Force Visitation?

[evilstep]

you're right...I do feel a lot of resentment toward the skids, and it has been building for quite some time.  I've seen this coming for over two years, and DH just kept his head in the sand and refused to do anything about it.

As for our son, he is only 2, so there are no "he gets more privelages..." kind of issues, and it's always seemed that they adored him.  But in the past three months, during the contact that DH initiated, they never once asked about their brother.  Apparently, his being a by-product of me makes him not worth their time, either!  (this is where BM would jump in and remind everyone that he's only their HALF-brother!)

I did not come into this situation feeling this way.  When DH and I got together, I was under the impression that I was unable to conceive, and I looked at this as maybe God's intended way of giving me children.  But, it has since come out, they hated me from the start, for no reason other than my mere existence.  I came into this ready to try; they came seeking to destroy things right from the start.

[evilstep]

Thanks for the input, it helps.  I have been talking to DH about forcing the issue, but for the time being I don' t think I should be here when his kids come, and I've told him that's how it's going to be.  On one hand, I want to hold my ground and let SKs know that they can't chase me out of my own house.  But on the other hand, this is DH's house too, and he should be seeing his kids, so if that's what it takes... I think it's hard for him, too, because they basically told him that he is an embarassment to them (because he's "just a truck driver") and everything he does for them isn't good enough for them, it doesn't meet their high standards.  That really hurt him a lot, and he's having trouble dealing with that.

Anyhow, thanks again for your advice!

[evilstep]

Thanks, that sounds like someplace to start; I'll suggest it to DH.

p.s.--I wish you were my skids biomom! :)

[evilstep]

Right on!  DH and I have been over and over this, and we figured out one crucial mistake that he has been making over the past almost-four years:  he's been confusing "fighting ABOUT the kids" with "fighting FOR the kids"!  By cowering down to his ex and not fighting, he assumed he was doing what was best for the kids; in doing that, he essentially stood by and watched her take them from him.

Thanks for your input.

[evilstep]

So much of what you said echoes things that I have said to DH!  I don't know what happens to parents during a divorce--they start out doing their job, then the divorce happens, and all of a sudden they're afraid of their own kids, afraid that if they say "no", the kids won't like them anymore!  But, just as you said, it's not our job to make our kids "like" us!

Thanks for your two cents worth!

[evilstep]

I think that she puts a negative spin on it no matter what DH does.  If he lets them skip visitation, she implies that he doesn't care; if he forces them to come, she makes him out to be the bad guy.

I've suggested to him just what you said, showing up at her door with CO and the sherriff, but he didn't seem to keen on that--he's worried about pissing off BM and having her pull him into court.  (I've told him he ought to worry less about her and more about his kids, but to no avail.)  Maybe when another three months passes, he'll be mad enough to do something about it!

Thanks.

[StPaulieGirl]

Hmmm.  My suggestion would be for your husband to show up at every court appointed visitation weekend.  Then document the refusal.  Document unanswered phone calls, or their mother refusing to put them on the phone. Remain calm.  Then when you have enough evidence, go to court.

12 and 14 isn't exactly old enough to decide whether to choose to comply with the visitation schedule, imo.

I'm a woman with sole physical custody.  My ex is not a nice person.  I handled my son's refusals to visit their father, by asking him to look out for his little sister.  She is now 10, and he will be turning 17 soon.  Now I'm hearing that he wants to take dad for everything he can get out of him.  Vile and disgusting.  This is not what visitation is supposed to be about.  This is not healthy or moral.

Personally, if I was your husband....I would have a talk with the kids and tell them how much he loves them, that they will always be welcome in you and their father's home.  They have a little brother, and that will not change, except in years wasted not getting to know each other.  Specifically invite them for whatever religious holidays you celebrate.  If they don't show up, don't buy them gifts.  Just send a cordial card marking all occasions, including birthdays.  Cold hearted?  Hey, they started it.  Let me guess that they know how to call him when they want something?

This is a real bummer for your 2 yr old :-(

[MixedBag]

And my answer to that is to let a friend come too.....

Let your child enjoy their friends at YOUR place just as much as at the CP's place.

They have to hang out somewhere!

[evilstep]

We've made countless offers to get his kids to invite their friends over; it's a 30+ minute drive one way, so we make sure to say that we'll provide the transportation, too.  No takers.  It recently came out that SD has dumped her friends from last year to follow the "in" crowd, and is having trouble fitting in with the rich kids.  Apparently, her father, being just a truck driver, is too much of an embarassment to her to bring her friends around.  Whatever.

[evilstep]

DH has had soooo many heart-to-hearts with his kids, to no avail.  BM, and DH too, have spent so much time catering to these kids (b/c of divorce guilt) that the kids are entirely self-centered--they KNOW that they're hurting their father and their brother, they just DON'T CARE!  As long as they get what they want, they couldn't care less how it affects anybody else!  I could go on and on with examples of their selfishness and self-centeredness, but their isn't enough room on this board!

I don't know what we're going to do about the holidays.  I suspect that we won't hear from them until Christmas, and then they'll only be coming because they're expecting presents!  DH says that he won't allow that to happen, but we'll see.  That's how it's been set up, though:  BM has phased him out to the point that he's nothing more than a checkbook.  As far as I'm concerned, if DH isn't good enough for them, then his money isn't, either!