If this isn't a form of PAS from the Bio Parent..CP I don't know what is

[ksmomof2girls]

Ok..I've posted my request for getting OUR girls when they are out of school, and when its my weekend.  Here is the email I sent him, his reply and another reply he sent me.  IF this isn't a form of PAS by him, I don't know what is. And a form of him trying to get me to just give up, on the whole parenting time, custody thing, and not be a parent to OUR girls anymore.

X,
I am giving you reasonable amount of time for the request that I am making.
 
   Per the Usd259 school calendar, our girls are out of school on October 21st(Thursday) and 22nd(Friday). Friday the 22nd is my weekend on the verbal agreement you said to me was my weekend( every other weekend).
   I would like to pick up our girls on Wednesday October 20th, at 7:30pm.  
 
  Page 6 section 9 of our divorce decree, it states" The parties shall have joint legal custody of the parties' minor children,with the Petitioner maintaining the primary residence and the Respondent having having REASONABLE  parenting time with the said children as the partiescan agree and in accordance with the BEST INTERESTS OF THE SAID MINOR CHILDREN."
 
I am very reasonable with my request and it is in the best interests of our girls as they should be able to spend extra time with their MOTHER when they are out of school on her weekend, instead of with their Stepmom.
 
I am giving you until Monday September 20th, to decide.  I am giving you a months notice of wanting the girls.  If I don't an email reply from you by Monday, I will take it as a Yes.  If you say no, I would like a very detailed explanation as to why it would not be in the best interest of OUR girls.
 
ksmomof 2girls

 I don't need to do any explaining to you. If you remember I am no longer
married to you. Your answer is no you can have them Friday at 7:30pm and we will
drop them off for you. In the future do not assume that if I do not answer the
answer is yes. I don't always check my email or sometimes your question just
doesn't deserve an answer.

X

ksmomof2girls,
I have been thinking about your e-mail and decided I would give you an
explanation of why it is not in the best interest of the girls. The one line in
your e-mail "instead of their step-mom" is why I made the decision that I did.
First of all they would be spending their regular time with me, their father,
the man the courts decided was in the best interest of our children to spend
residential custody. Secondly, your constant "put downs" of their step-mother is
detremental to their mental health. So the less time they have to hear it, the
better off they are.These children spend the majority of their life with their
"step mother", who loves them, cares for them and goes out of her way to make
them feel loved at all times, no matter what they have done or whether they are
with her and I in their home or with their mother. LaDawn, this is what adults
do. This is how children are supposed to be cared for. They are getting to an
age where they are very aware of what the adults around them are doing, saying,
and what their actions are saying. By saying "I am their mother" and telling
their teachers untruths, you are putting your children in a situation they do
not deserve to be in. So in the best interest of OUR children...They are best
served by being with adults who act like adults and do not feel as if they have
to choose one parent above the other.
X

First off, he does not have any proofs of anything he said, that he has accused me of doing or saying.
Secondly, I am their MOTHER......SM didn't give birth to them, and I sure in the HELL haven't signed over my rights and don't ever plan on doing so.

I'm having to do this on my own. I'm going to email an attorney to see if he will take my case pro bono, as I can't afford  one right now, and I'm tired of his b.s.  

Thanks for letting me vent.

KSMOMOF2GIRLS

PS...My girls love me.....and odd wants us to move closer so she can spend more time with me.

[Kimberly9]

And be thankful that you have it written in an email to prove that he is purposely trying to withhold time from you.

Please email me.  I have wording of a petition in KS to file a "Motion for Specific Visitation" that I would be happy to email you.  To me it seems like your first problem is the "reasonable visitation" that you have been awarded that doesn't spell out any details and leaves it to a controlling x.

I am sorry.  I know it must be heartbreaking.

My email is [email protected]

[Ref]

 I don't really see a problem with his first email. Nobody likes being bossed around, especially by an ex. I am not putting down your original letter, it lools a lot like the ones my DH used to have to send, but it is easy to see why your ex (and DH's too) would go on the defensive.

 The second email has some shady parts, but I still don't think it qualifies as PAS. He can call you all sorts of names and be petty with you, but as long as it isn't around the kids, it is not PAS. If he is turning down one day of visitation but 99.9% of the time he allows it, it is not PAS.

It seems to me your problem is a legal one. He states that it is his legal time with the kids and you can have them when it is yours. It would be nice if you could have the kids,but he is not denying you any of your rights. Legally, you need to get your visitation spelled out so that you can say "this is my weekend" and not have his premission. Now, you are screwed. Dh just got done with changing his visitaiton from "reasonable" to a specified schedule. He went from having 30 days a year (what BM deemed reasonable) to 90 days. We are very long distance, so this was a great victory. He doesn't have any petty bickering about details anymore and if there is, he can take her butt to court for contempt. Right now, you can't even do that. You NEED to get your visitation spelled out.

 The main PAS I read in your post is what your ex is accusing you of. DH's ex accuses him of a ton of things that are untrue, so I will guess that that is the same for you.

 Good Luck to you and your children

[nosonew]

ks....we have met and I know how much you love your girls.  I thought you got all of this spelled out in the orders?  

Being both bm and sm...when I read your email, I saw a read flag immediately! It was the part that pissed him off, about the sm.  YOU may not like her, but the girls do like her, and your ex loves her.  Simple as that.  You cannot  put this woman down and get something!  You need to play the game if that is what you want to call it....by biting the bullet and trying to get along...not just pretending to do so...but by NOT putting in comments YOU KNOW ahead of time will set him off! What were you thinking?????

Hun, I only wish you the best and I know you are a great person and a great mother...and to stop the turmoil in your life and your GIRLS' lives, you have to make a few sacrifices (besides those already made for you by a judge), and bite the darn bullet and do EVERYTHING in your power to get along with your ex...and if that means NEVER, EVER saying another nasty word about his new wife...so be it.  

Not all sm's are evil.  Many get all the blame for bad situations...unfairly.  I can't judge your situation, I don't know everything.  However, what I do know, can hardly justify your hatred towards her.  You are PROJECTING your anger at the situation to her...

I know how hurt and frustrated you are, and have been.  And many, many hugs to you, but dammit, you have to play nice all the time now!  Otherwise, you miss out on the girls and they miss out on you! If you had not put the sm info in your email, would he have let you have them?  Who knows?  BUT if you hadn't, what excuse would he have then?  

Keep your emotions out of of the emails and all other communication...you know that!  Hugs, noso

[ksmomof2girls]

 I don't ever remember meeting you before.  I haven't been on here for a while.

 Their step mom used to be my best friend from high school.  Our girls are always spending time with her on their days out of school. When I have requested before and hadn't put that line in there, he still said no. The ONLY time he allowed me to have them was on my birthday when they were out of school.

  He doesn't communicate with me at all, unless I intiate what is going on. This past Labor Day was supposed to have been mine. By how he had done things in the past.  I didn't know until Friday when I got an email from him stating that I couldn't start getting them after school on my Friday's. So I called him to find out why he wasn't letting them come that weekend.
 Here is exactly what he said. " you had them Memorial Weekend."  I said, " No, I didn't you did."  X," Regardless, they are going with me this weekend."  X hung up.  NO, I didn't get it taped.  But I remember everything that I have said.

  By him saying that I shouldn't tell the teachers that I am their Mother, is very stupid, because I am their mother, and I'm not lying about that to the teachers.  

  I believe that he is making the girls choose between us.  I don't mention anything about either one of when they are here.  When I have something neg to say about either one of them, I say it to my SO in our bedroom, or in a place where our girls can't hear me.  They are old enough to start making their own decisions about how to love and to choose which parent they would rather be with.

  My odd is sooooo adminant about telling us about places to rent close to them, so they could come over after school, and spend extra time, if they could walk there.

   She asked me one day in the car, ODD," Mom, would you have to go to court or would you and Dad have to agree to it, where we could come over after school for a visit?"  I said, " I'm not trying to put your Dad down, but you and I both know that he wouldn't agree to it, so we would have to go to court."   She already knows that if THEY want something, he won't let them do it.  He has already told them once that they couldn't stay until a certain time on a Sunday, when they called him to ask him. It was during the summer. It was before he started to let me keep them until Monday mornings.

  I am having trouble getting my ydd to bed now on Sun nights, b/c they know that they have to go back to Dad's house.  They also don't like going to bed on Friday nights, because they want to spend as much waking time with us.  Of course, if I tell him that, he would think, I am just saying that, to try to get more time.

Ok, I'm done trying to explain myself.

I am working on a parenting plan. My attorney quit. He didn't want to do anymore revisions, and didn't put in hardly any of the things that X agreed to on the one I had done, and he reviewed.

I haven't been able to work on it that much this summer, as I have a partially torn rotator cuff, on my dominant side, and I'm just now able to start using that arm on the computer again.  not for very long periods of time either. That's also why I haven't been on here very much lately.

[Neversaynever]

I see "OUR" and "MOTHER" making some kind of a point.   I don't post regularly and haven't had much time to read posts, but I'm sensing that there's a step-issue here.   No offense sweetie, I've got my own set of issues!  

I agree too that you have to make nice with her, for the kids' sake and for your own peace of mind.

You definitely need to have a more specific visitation worked out.  Maybe that would be a first step for the two of you.  Again, I don't know your situation.

I wish you and yours the best!

[mango]

I am a SM and BM, and my first response to your first letter was "ouch" to the statement "instead of with their Stepmom."

It seems to shows jealously on your part, and it appears as if you have issues with her. I do not know if it is true or not by the second letter from your X that you "degrade the SM", but it is almost believable by the tone of your initial letter.

I am a SM that loves my SD and is constantly put down, and set in my place by my DH X (BM). She tells my SD I am NOT her mother, and not listen to me, and I have also received my share of letters to "butt-out" of parenting, and be a friend only. According to her I am not allowed to help with homework, go to open houses, teach personal hygiene or anything to my SD. Basically she doesn't want me to parent her at all, to disappear into a closet when SD is in our home.

My thoughts are simply, "Why can't this BM just be happy that I love her daughter and give her a happy home and care about how she turns out? Its better then ignoring her, which is what she wants me to do."

Having kids of my own, I am confident enough to know that my kids love me as a mother and nothing can threaten or get between that. I wish my SD's BM could be as confident in herself as I know she should be.

I know my SD loves me, and she loves her mother very much, and nothing can ever replace that, (nor would I want it to be any other way), but there is room to love both, and the more parents that love and care for the child the better off they will be in the long run.

If it's true what the father writes that the SD cares for the kids, then be happy the kids are loved and not treated badly over there. The kids love you as their mother and it doesn't need to be spelled out "REAL mom"– They know.

It's so hard, I know, but be confident.

Just my opinions.....

[MixedBag]

My EX could have written the same thing...it's NOT PAS

My EX doesn't understand or believe in the fact that the more time is split closer to 50/50, the better off our son will be.

I too have taken the stand that time with me should come BEFORE time with Step-mom (in my case a fake-wife)....and he doesn't like it.

I too have a line in my decree that I can have additional time if both parties agree -- he simply never agrees.  

I too have had weekends where the kids were out on Friday or Monday and that particular DAY doesn't get added on to the weekend with me.

I've gone back twice and asked for a detailed/specific parenting plan with no success.

Girl, stand your ground as to what your rights are.

Right now, my EX doesn't seem to understand that I get "one weekend a month given 2 weeks notice to him" -- he STILL thinks he can choose and dictate.

Keep it short, and simple.  Leave out any references to the step-mom -- like he's gonna take your side vs. supporting her no matter what she does -- NOT!

He knows your opinion of her and you know what?  He doesn't care.  Alls he cares about is himself and his current family -- you come second.  Believe me, I know -- and it's not right.

Stick to telling the kids the truth -- my son knows what's going on.  He can figure it out for himself quite easily.  

One day, DAD will wake up (by himself) with no child there because of his own actions.....

[nosonew]

As both a bio mom and step mom, I have been (and currently am still) in both situations.  I happen to have a good relationship with biodad to son, which works great for all of us.  I also love his new wife.  I respected her from day one and she respected me from day one.  Takes two to do that, I know.

I agree, to a point, that biological parents should have the time with the children over the step-parent, within reason.  Keep in mind, the step-parent is also needing to build a bond with the child for the sake of their own family unit, as well as for the other children (step or half) that may also be in the home.  It really is unfair to US, the sm's to be told we don't mean diddly squat.  Especially when we give 110% to these children, and treat them as our own, have no rights regarding anything, and are treated like sh!t by their mothers.  WE are NOT trying to take your place, we are just trying to do our best in an awkward situation.  These kids don't deserve all of the negativity that is spilled out, as they have no choice but to react one way or another.

I agree that if ksmom keeps referring to sm as the evil stepmother, it will just do her in.  And your statement that he doesn't care about anyone but his own current family is partially correct.  Of course he is going to take his CURRENT wife's cares and concerns over his ex-wifes cares and concerns.  However, he is going to also care about his children, but that doesn't mean he will be her slave to whims on her part either.  That surely isn't fair, is it? He has a new life, with a new partner, which also includes his children.  The first wife should come second to the second wife, always.  I firmly believe this.  

Mixed bag, you have had alot of great posts, have been alot of help to others.  I certainly mean no disrespect.  I just don't agree.

I do wish you the best however, as I do know all situations are never alike.  

Best always, noso

[MixedBag]

You have a PM in which I elaborate on this subject even more.

I agree too that if ksmom keeps referring to SM as the evil stepmother, it will do her in.  Fake-wife does herself in, in my situation.

Point is that there is an order and she has rights....just like any NCP who is a dad.

Yep, Dad has a new life and a new wife, but the child doesn't have a new replacement mother -- only an additional mother.

With regards to the child, Mom and Dad come first -- then the rest.