need help here....

[too_short]

Background: 8 year old son, lots of behavior problems.  CP refuses to get therapy for son.  Applied for change in custody several months ago.  I live out of state.


I hadn't had weekends with my son in over 3 months.  Mother has told him that I'm trying to take him away from her, that I have my atty lie for me, that I'm a liar, etc...

When I go to pick up my son, they (CP and son) put on quite a show.  Son hides behind his mother and refuses to go.   I spend time trying to get him away from his mother by saying we just go for pizza (in walking distance) and see afterwards if he'll go.  At pizza, he's back to normal... laughing, etc...  And then when we come back, he still refuses to go.  When police are called he continues hiding behind his mother.

Mother's action in all of this:  she stands there doing nothing.   I'd prefer her not to be out there at all, because her doing nothing only encourages him.  Also, lots of eye contact between the two while I try to negotiate with son.  For example, when I mention let's go to the playground, he looks at mother, mother grimmaces, and he says no.

I don't know what to do.  I'm hesitant to force him to go; I'm sure mother will only use this against me.  Also, worried about his mental well-being.  Mother is trying to make this pickups as difficult as possible for me.

When at masters (I filed for contempt) Mother claims she does her "best to get him to go."  Our hearing date scheduled in late November.  

I don't want to force him and I don't want to go until late November with missed visitations.  What should I do?
Advice please!

[joni]

do you have specific visitation time outlined in a CO?  you need to either enforce them or you need to have her brought up on contempt charges...as many as you can...so she pisses off the judge real good by November.  if she is not complying with the court order, she has to be held accountable or your life is going to suck for the next 10 years and then some.  this will never get better and you need to make this stop here and now.

would you force your child to go to  school?  would you force your child to go to the doctor?  OF COURSE....an 8 y.o. cannot decide this.

you are enabling her.  stop.  you've got to lie down to be a door mat.  Can I call you Matt?  humor aside, and I mean no disrespect but you have to take what is yours.  and what is yours is your parenting time with your child.

I say this as a wife, who loves her husband very much, and a stepmom who loves her stepdaughter so much....do not allow this woman to disrespect you in front of your son.  

I know in Michigan, you have 59 days to file with the Friend of the Court for missed parenting time.  Maybe your family court system has similar assistance.  take the time to get very familiar with your family court system and use it often to your advantage.

in the new court order, you need to find an objective 3rd party for the drop off.  maybe an aunt or friend where the child can be dropped off, mom leaves, and you get the kid 30 minutes or so later.

in your new court order, this November, you need to have solutions to avoid this continuing problem.  you need specifics in the court order, you need sanctions for missed visitations.  you need to get all over this, GET AGGRESSIVE, like flies on honey.  

[wendl]

well it doesnt sound like your ex is encouraging your child to go with you, pick him up and leave SIMPLE.

Take a friend along with you, vidoetape it do something.

At 8 chlidren don't and shouldn't decided if they want to go with one parent or not. If you have a court order then go by it.

My ss used to kick and scream when he had to go back to his moms, his dad would put him in his moms car, buckles in up (all while he was kicking) and tell him he loved him and shut the door.

Sounds like you need to be a little tuffer here, she is using the child and she is walking all over you.

Once again, video tape and pick up the child if you have too, I remember many times when I didn't want to do something as a child, my dad would pick me up put me over his shoulder and off we went.

:)

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[nosonew]

Although you have the best intentions, you are going about it the wrong way. You cannot give in.  Those that PAS are needing you to do this for it to work.  Your ability to put your child's fears above your own needs is admirable.  However, you are only making your own situation worse by doing so.  YOU MUST STOP that.  

Regarding the behavioral problems.  My ss was a basketcase...diagnosed many things, ADD, ADHD, OCD, ODD, etc.... and guess what?  ALL DUE TO STRESS! He was 5 when first diagnosed!  

These kids are torn...completely!  They feel they must choose...

To help, you just state, matter of fact...WE ARE GOING, get in the car.  If she intereferes in any way to influence his choice, go to court like we did, get a c.o. stating she CAN NOT be present at pick ups!  HEY, how about you pick him UP FROM SCHOOL, and she isn't there?  Her influence is doing this.  

You need to stop being passive and start being proactive! Do yourself and the child a favor....MAKE HIM GO!

[Kitty C.]

I agree and also use a video camera and/or take a witness to every exchange.  The video will either show her true colors when you ahve to use it in court or for evals., or will make her straighten her ass out.

But be VERY careful of taking your child, putting him in the car, and buckling him up.  DO NOT DO IT unless you have a camera rolling.  Because the FIRST thing the BM will do is scream abuse if he's kicking and screaming.  If she screams abuse, tell her you'd be MORE than willing to give her a copy of the tape and that is SPECIFICALLY why you are taping in the first place, to remove ALL doubt of suspected abuse.  If you film from the start and have it on tape how the exchange progress, it will be obvious that no 'abuse' was inflicted on the child, just her warped sense of retribution.

[too_short]

Each of the times I tried to pick up son, mother will get tired of my efforts and
calls 911.  When police come, son hides behind mother and police do not enforce order.