UGGGGGG!!!!!! X isn't being cooperative now!!!!!!!

[ksmomof2girls]

My Mom just called to inform me that she may not be able come into the city I live in tomorrow to pick up the girls for me.  

She called X so I wouldn't have to deal with him.  Well he called to find out what I was going to do about it.  I asked him if he could drop them off for me.  He said no,because he has a lot of limbs to pick up. ( we had an ice storm a couple of wekks ago.)  Not only that, he had Sunday to work on it!!!  

It would only take about 20-30 mins round trip to drop the off.  We live 9 moles apart 1 way.

My SO can't pick them up for because he has to work until 7pm.

My X knows I can't drive because I just had surgery on my shoulder last Wednesday!!!!!!!   He even said he knows I can't drive.

He has always been nice about dropping them off for me when my shoulder really hurt me to drive.  And now since I can't drive,he's being a total jerk!!!!!!


Sorry just had to VENT!!!!!!

[joni]

Relax...give and take....give and take.  Reread your other posts, he did some very nice things and cut you a break.  Cut him a break now.  Sounds like he really can't do it.

You're only a few days out of surgery.  REcovering from surgery and the pain surgery is really going to take a toll on your patience.  Don't take it out of him.  You don't want to foil the nice progress the two have made since your birthday???!!!!

[cathy]

You don't like your ex - that is why he is your ex!  But he does have a life too.  I think it might be helpful if you didn't take everything he does so personally.  He may have things to do.  He may not be able to accomodate this change.  It isn't always a plot on his behalf to make things difficult for you.

Stop and read your post.  Let's see - - your mom can't do it for some reason, you can't do it for some reason, your SO can't do it for some reason.  All of these are ok with you - - BUT your EX can't do it for some reason, and he isn't being cooperative, a jerk.  Huh?

This isn't to say he isn't being a jerk.  All I'm saying is that it may help you if you stop and look at things a little differently and not automatically assume that every thing on your EX's part is an overt attempt to screw you over!

[ksmomof2girls]

Well, I'm not getting our girls tonight, because I noone was able to help me pick up our girls for me.

I told my X that we would get together to decide on a make up day. He said, "o.k."   Realy not agreeing to it, but we did agree to make up time though.

I actually don't believe that he is going to br very cooperative even with everything we agreed on.

[cathy]

It is a shame that you will not get to see your girls - but you can't blame that on your EX.  If I understand correctly, it was YOUR responsibility to provide the transportation, to get your girls.  Unfortunately, that didn't seem to work out this time.

Really, your EX is probably under no obligation to make this time up.  His obligation, to have the girls available for you to pick up, was fulfilled.  The fact that he seems to be agreeing to make up this time IS cooperation on his part.  Be grateful for that - it is more than a lot of people get!

And as you said - he has been nice about dropping them off in the past.  Be grateful for that, rather than calling him a jerk and thinking he is being uncooperative because he can't accomodate you this time.

[ksmomof2girls]

Really, your EX is probably under no obligation to make this time up

Per the agreement he is under obligation to make up the time!!!!!!!  We have 60 days from the missed parenting time to make up the time.

There is NOTHING stating about transportation, because that was the ONLY thing we got along about.  I usually was the one who picked up and drop off our girls.  Until about 2 mos when HE deceided to chane the ending time of mty parenting time without discussing me, he was picking up.

Its whatever is agreed by us.  I would think that anyone would be willing especially a CP to be nice to the NCP who just had surgery....and KNOWS that the NCP is unable to drive, and to make sure that their children got to spend their scheduled time with the other parent, when the CHILDREN know that they are supposed to go to tthat parents house.  

I guess I'm wrong.  And I guess that none of you who have replied to this msg would be nice enough to your ex in doing that for them if they were in the same situation?


He has had 2 wks to deal with the limbs in his yard.  He had all day Sunday to do it.  He has a wife and a stepson to help him.   Plus, he has this weekend to work on them also.   He could've given up 45 mins to make sur that our children got what they were entitled to.  A mid week overnight visit with their motther.

Everyone talks about their Psycho Mom...........well, I'm in the same boat really, but I have a psycho dad.  Just because a Father got custody, doesn't mean that they are all nice.  Some of them can be just as mean as Mom's who have custody!!!!!!!!!!

[ksmomof2girls]

Should my Mom have to drop everything she was doing and drive 60 miles round trip to pick up our girls for me because X won't be nice?

NO   Plus, she had limbs on her roof, causing damage to it, where his was just laying on the ground!!!!  And she had to be there to make sure that the workers wouldn't tear up her gutters, or hit the glass on the solarium and break it.

[cathy]

Stunning that you have nothing stated in the agreement about transportation.  Since you don't, then he is under no obligation to provide it either.  If he elects to, that is nice on his part.  From what you have said, he HAS done it in the past....but he can't this time.  Maybe you should see about having something nailed down.  But really - in this case, it would seem you are at least equally responsible.

You have no idea what his obligations are and have been for the past 2 weeks.  It is rather presumptious for you to say he had 2 weeks, and all day Sunday, to do yardwork.  That is HIS choice.

And it seems like you said the plan was for your mother to pick them up, so it is perfectly reasonable that he had plans for that time.

From here, it really seems you are expecting quite a bit from your ex - and getting very angry when he doesn't do as you want.  

[cathy]

The implication is that she had offered and had to back out at the last minute.  

In answer to your question, no, your mother should be expected to.  But neither should your EX be expected to unless it was agreed to previously.  Just like your mother had something come up where she couldn't, maybe your EX had something where he couldn't.  (And yes, picking up limbs count as well.  He really doesn't owe you an explanation).

[MixedBag]

I have her proposed parenting plan as recently verbally ordered by the judge in my hands.  Yep, she e-mailed it to me for constructive criticism.

She just went from "reasonable visitation" to an extremely detailed plan that the judge ordered verbally and has yet to sign.

Transportation isn't addressed in this new order.  But it does say in paragraph 23, that all prior orders entered herein which are not inconsistent with the above shall remain in full force and effect."

So LaDawn, pull out your original divorce decree and see what it says in there for transportation, and that's what you do.  (or that's who is responsible.)

If nothing is there, there's still maybe time to contact your attorney and say "Hey, I just realized that an important piece is missing and can we just say that the receiving parent has to pick up the kids?"  Keep it simple, and those words share transporation 50/50.

I also think that you need to "learn" not to think the way you are about whether or not the EX could be doing this or that or whatever (about those limbs -- forgot exactly what it was) and try to set his priorities during his time.  I think that's the point (or at least part of the point), joni and cathy are trying to make.

If anything, maybe this incident has pointed out that there is still a missing piece to the order.  I know, just when you think "I've got it covered" something else pops up -- in this case, transportation and who is responsible for what.

Trying to help you pick and choose your battles....

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I just read all the other posts.  I am sorry for your pain with your recent shoulder surgery.  

Being incapacitated can make one very vulnerable.  I am sure you were looking forward to seeing your girls.  I am also well aware of how much it hurts to realize that you will miss a visit.  I suffer chronic back pain and just went on disability this past July.  Some days the pain makes me crazy!  I just want to lash out at anything that moves.  That is why I practice self hypnosis.  It keeps me centered and in control.

I do not find it surprising that you are so angry with your ex right now.  It seems like such a simple thing and it would make you ( and no doubt your girls) so happy.  I do not know how long you have been divorced but there is that stage we go through when we realize that our relationship with our former partner has changed forever and irretrievably.  I still remember the exact moment when that happened for me.

We were in mediation and some point or other was being discussed.  My ex was not agreeing with me and was not willing to listen to the mediator.  He was making it clear that these kids were gonna be raised in a "on my time/ on your time" fashion.  We didn't have an especially happy marriage but one thing we could do was work together.  We had bulit a house that a lot of people said we would never build.  But we are both bright, hard working people and we did it.  It seemed that no matter what the state of our union was we could always accomplish things.  Any way, that day in mediation was when I realized that that had come to an end.  There would be no more "joint ventures".  I now know it is a normal part of the separation process.  But on that day the pain of the realization was visceral.  I had to end the mediation session early and I cried for hours.  I think that is actually the day my marriage ended.  

We have to learn to create boundaries for ourselves.  If not how would we ever stand the pain of dealing with people whom we once loved on an every day basis.  Your ex now has a life of his own to lead,  just as you do.  You no longer hold the same priority for him that you once did.  Yes his doing the transportation would have made it easier on you, but as the others said,he's not gonna do it this time.

It seems he has made some attempt to make up the time or at least said he would.  That is good.  A lot of ex's would not.  At any rate, you aren't getting your visit this time.  Yes, it is painful.  But to live well you must aknowledge this pain and then move on.  Maybe the answer lies in enlarging your social circle so that you have more support on which to draw.  Maybe the answer lies in nailing down the transportation part of your order

Whatever you decide to do, please remember that if you allow yourself to be consumed with anger it will eat you alive.  It seems like you have much to be thankful for.  You have kids that you get to see.  Not everyone does.  Your shoulder will heal and give you less pain.  Your ex is at least some of the time willing to compromise ( what I wouldn't give for that).  Count your blessings.  And live well, you deserve it.