Father wants more visitation, mother said father's don't get more time

[roch]

Father had informal arrangement to get 5 year old daughter EOW and one day a week.  He requested to increase to two days a week.  Mother said that father's don't get that much time and if he didn't like it to get an attorney.  So now he is in process of taking her to court.  Child used to say she wished she could spend the same amount of time with both families (as she refers to each of the sides).  Since filing for custody child now says she doesn't want to visit dad anymore, she hates him,  and that she loves mom's side of family more.  She has ADHD and her child psychologist supposedly said that because of child's current clingy behavior to mother it would be detrimental to give the father any more time.  He has supposedly written a letter for court to that effect.  (The psychologist has had only a few brief meetings with both mom and dad present to discuss child's ADHD and treatment and dad didn't talk much.  The psychologist has never talked with us, father and I (stepmom), about what our home life is like.  He has been interacting with mom's side of family and child for two years.  Dad had no formal custody rights and no access to medical records)

What are common visitation arrangements with very involved fathers and will the psychologist's recommendations be applicable in court?  Also, the fact that the child was well adjusted and wanted more time with dad before the filing of the custody papers be a factor?  I'm worried we are going to lose because of this "doctor's" bias opinion.

[MYSONSDAD]

My opinion only, but this sounds like PAS may be in the picture. Very common for the child to be programmed just before court hearings.

http://www.rgardner.com/refs/

http://www.helpstoppas.com/

"Children learn what they live"

[roch]

Thanks for replying.  I've thought so as well but everyone looks at me like I'm crazy when I mention PAS.  It wouldn't help our case anyway because the recommendation for mild to moderate cases is to stay with the alienating parent.  Isn't that lovely, screw up the child so it is in their best interest to stay with you.

Is it so unreasonable to want 50/50 time with our daughter/SD?  I told him he waited too long to get this formally resolved but he was so sure they could "work it out" and we couldn't afford an attorney.  No use crying over spilled milk.  So now we have to deal with the current circumstances.  I just don't understand why a mother who is lucky enough to have an involved dad that always pays child support and actually WANTS his child would not share them equally.  She says she doesn't want to miss out; like he does.  Sorry to vent.

[MYSONSDAD]

Oh how well I know. Your case sounds very similiar to mine.

People look at me that way when I mention PAS, all but the folks here. Most of us are on the receiving end.

One thing you could mention to the attorney instead of PAS, say the ex is "exhibiting alienating behavior". That would come off better if it is moderate PAS. Many attorneys have never heard of PAS. But there is caselaw on it.

Continue to educate yourselves. There is a search engine here and many very good articles. The more you learn, it will give you a heads up on what is down the road.

No, it is not unreasonable to want 50/50. Many here advocate shared parenting and are fighting the bias in the current court system.

I often wonder the same thing. Some parents do not become so interested. My ex should be so lucky to want total involvement of our sons father and her CS payment every week. And there is no reason to keep me away. Found fit by the judge and evaluator. And yet they hand her total control.

It does help to vent. Many good people here to help you along the way. All with different views, just pick out what works for you.

The first thing you will hear is DOCUMENT, keep very good records, build a paper trail. If your having problems at the exchanges, bring someone who will witness. Hang on to telephone records. If exchanges are in a different town, get a gas receipt.

"Children learn what they live"

[roch]

Can the psychologist's letter/testimony be used against us in court?  I might add that the psychologist hasn't heard the entire truth.  We all met for one meeting to discuss effective discipline for the child (since we are suddenly being accused of being too liberal with the timeouts.  I don't think a five minute time out for back talking is liberal.  If she back talks three times a day, she gets three time outs a day.  Sorry if that is too much discipline).  Well the mother said that she has been doing exactly like the doctor said with positive reinforcements primarily while we only use time outs (TO).  

First it isn't true that we only use TO, we also set up a reward system.  Secondly, the BM had told me not three weeks before that they were no longer using TO in the house because it wasn't working anymore, they had gone back to spanking.  She said she knew father didn't like spanking but nothing else was working.  Then she sits there and tells the psychologist they only use positive reinforncement!  It was complete BS.  I innocently turned to her and said - I thought you said you had started spanking again.  The doctor looked shocked and said - Oh no, never  spanking for this kind of child.  To which the BM replied - well it didn't work and was short lived, just like TO's don't work.  

By the end of that meeting the doctor looked a little dumbfounded, like he wasn't sure what to think of a situation he was so sure about... I feel bad for him - he's been trying to treat a little patient for 2+ years and has only gotten "mother of the year" feedback from BM.  The truth would have been more helpful.  Regardless, he had written the letter before this meeting.  So can it be used to limit our visitation?  How can we protect ourselves?  Should we try to meet with him?

[boysmom1]

I will add this as a divorced mom, not everyone's situation is the way it seems.

I'm not saying this about anyone on here at all. What I'm about to say only reflects my situation.

I got divorced in 03. Trying not to run my ex through the briars, I didn't want everything brought up. I wanted to try to have a workable relationship with him. Above all else my son needed to have his father, but definitely didn't need to spend a lot of time with him.

So I agreed to joint legal custody as long as I had primary physical custody. After all, this is his child also and he should be included in the decisions of his life. We agreed on EOW and 1 day per week. Since we've went to court his work schedule changed and he is only able to get him 1 evening every other week. I allowed phone calls whenever in the beginning. Then it became to where he was calling every night, asking my son if he'd rather live with him and just genuinely upsetting him. He would cause my son to cry everytime. So I didn't totally cut off phone calls, but I started ignoring some of them. I had spoken with him before I did this and asked for it to stop. Explained that our son needed encouragement during this time, not a parent who was encouraging problems.

During the divorce he sought to have joint physical custody also. I said absolutely not. Not that I didn't want him involved in my son's life, but there was a history of abuse, anger management issues and alcoholism. Basically my ex is a loser. I wanted to limit the amount of time he spent around my son. I didn't want to bash my ex. He has every opportunity to improve and if improvements are made then his influence on my son will be increased. He thought I was the most horrible person in the world! Thought I'd taken away all of his rights and still forced him to pay. Threw a fit. Of course in his mind he has no problems. He's great with my son, I'll give him that. When he focuses he's a great dad. People called me names and thought I was horrible for not giving him joint physical custody. But no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

3 months after I left, he was drunk and totaled his truck and ended up in the hospital. I explained to my son and made sure he went to see his dad. Then my son started coming home talking about daddy being drunk. I called and stated that it needed to stop. That he only had our son 2 out of 14 days, surely he could stay sober around him. Once again I was the horrible person, because he wasn't drunk. His family threw a fit, well most of them are drunks too, so no wonder they couldn't see it. Then he started to clean up his act. He started dating someone and he was getting better, so I thought. When he'd ask for additional visitation with our son, I'd try my best to make sure it could be done. Then the Friday after Thanksgiving, he proceeded to drink a pint of vodka and choke his girlfriends stepdad. When they tried to make him leave the house he went into a rage b/c he wanted to take our son. They refused. They told him to have a sober family member come and get him but that he wasn't driving with our son. He ended up busting his girlfriend's head open and going to jail. All in front of our son. Now his family and others started to realize I might not be so bad. They tried to hide it from me but some of his family and friends still contact me. Otherwise, I would have never known. Our son hid it for almost a year and wouldn't talk about it. I never pushed him to talk. When he did, he said that he was afraid to get his dad into trouble. UGH! that isn't a 6 yr old's job to keep their parent out of trouble. So we went back to strictly by the court order. He went to AA and anger management, started doing better. Visits started to get more lenient. I might add that any time his parents or family request to visit with our son, I do my best to make it happen. He totals 2 more vehicles. I'm leary. I don't yank visits but I watch closely. Then he gets drunk with my son there again and the cops get called again. I called him and told him I knew this time, I told him that I was taking our son that week and he would have to reschedule his week visitation. Side note, he's entitled to 4 nonconsecutive weeks throughout the year and never requests them. I had planned to go on vacation and had asked if he'd like to keep our son. I told him that if one more incident happened I would go for supervised visits with no over nights. I was protecting our son. I could go for worse, but our son loves him and deserves to see him. So far, so good.

So I'm one of those moms who refuses visitations and limits the time and doesn't let him have 50/50. I just ask everyone out there to remember that there are 2 sides to every story. Not every mom is denying the dad out of spite. Do they do it - yes - everyday. I'm dealing with one myself. But before everyone thinks that the mom is poisoning the child I ask that they remember that there are two sides. I have never told my child what his father has done. I do encourage him to love his dad and talk to his dad as often and as long as he wants. If I'm unable to keep him, I try to give his dad first opportunity, not everytime, but most.

Just try to remember, a bad parent will never tell you what they've done wrong, because it isn't their fault.  

[MYSONSDAD]

Yes, it will hurt you in court.

On my evaluation, I was found to be a fit parent. But, so was my ex. The person was bias from the very beginning, she even admitted to it. Listened to hearsay evidence from my ex, took it as truth. I brought in every document I could get my hands on, to disprove the hearsay. You know what got it for my ex? She removed our son from his home and hid him for 3 months. The evaluator must have thought, that is what the better parent does. I call it kidnapping.

Bottom line, in my case, I was not the correct gender.

You might want to start a paper trail, if you haven't already. Disprove her so called theories. I would also do some research on child behavior and what works, pros and cons. It might come into play later. And you will find other approaches to how to handle different situations. Taking a favorite pass time away, giving them chores.

Since this letter was written before this meeting, would it be possible that he wrote another, after this meeting? If he is testifying, it may come out then that he has some misgivings on what is going on. Again, get that paper trail ready, research. Use respected websites that have alot of credibility.

"Children learn what they live"

[MYSONSDAD]

Nice for you to share your story. Now, I will share mine.

I have worked full time since the age of 16, bought my first peice of property at 15. Got good grades in school, very active in sports, pay my bills on time, have very good credit, have never been late on child support, have never missed time with our son, other then the several denials from my ex. I do not drink alcohol, I do not smoke, I do not use drugs, I have no traffic tickets and I do not have anger issues. Every step I take is with my son as the priority. Anything that could reflect poorly, I will not do. He is my life and my heart.

Only thing I did was trust a PBFH.

From the many NCP's I know, not one of them is an alcholic with a bad temper. What they ARE is loving, caring, nurturing people who want to remain in their child's life, play an active role in being a parent.

Yes, there are some NCP's that walk away, but their not the ones asking for more time. And they are not here on these boards.

Your post has nothing to do with the original poster. They were asking for advice, not critizism. And as far as the programing, how wrong you are.

Your ex may have a drinking problem and anger issues because he is being treated like a second class citizen.  

Your words, not mine

Not all NCP's are bad parents. Maybe in time, you will learn the rights of good parents are being violated on a daily basis.

From the way I am reading your post, we are all in denial here. Can't accept how bad we are.

Funny, you say nothing of your misgivings. Must be hard to be perfect.
Hope your pedistal doesn't crack....


"Children learn what they live"

[YahYah]

>Child used to say she wished she could spend the same amount of
>time with both families ... Since filing for custody child now says she
>doesn't want to visit dad anymore, she hates him,  and that she loves
>mom's side of family more.  

Been there! ... DONE that!!   Mom's working overtime on the kid, and the kid is buying it, hook, line, and sinker.  My ss was 6/7 when it happened to him, and he reacted the same way.  This same kid who'd been saying, on his own, that he wanted to live with us, since he was 4 years old was now saying, at age 6/7 that he ... eh hemmm "never want to come see you again, not even 'til I'm big, and I told my lawyer that too", then he told us he'd need to be gathering up all his toys and clothes and stuff so he could take it all back to his mom's house... sheah.  He told his guardian ad litem this little ditty as well.  WE hired the GAL, INSISTED on the GAL being appointed because we knew ss was being alienated (among other things) and still, even when the kid told the GAL this, it still didn't ring a huge bell for the GAL (I really have nothing good to say about this woman).

We knew that if the GAL didn't admit what was going on in front of her eyes, that the only person we could appeal to, was ss.  So we told him what was going on with HIM.  Not between parents.  

He was getting all sorts of new clothes, new toys, which - at the time, Star Wars Episode 1 and Pokemon were "big" deals.  His mom, who, until that time, spent a lot of time/effort complaining to us about how poor she was and how she NEEDED the child support and how %50/%50 custody would work but only if we signed a child support order paying her MORE than what we would have paid normally if we'd only had Every Other Weekend visitation... She's a real peach, but I digress...

She was spoiling him with new shoes, new clothes, pokemon cards left and right (at that time they were upwards of $5.00 to $7.00 a PACK), Star Wars Ep. 1 toys - which are still expensive, movies (she NEVER goes to the movies), candy, soda (frequently letting ss drink a liter bottle of Mountain Dew or a can of Jolt right before his visitations with us, but surely no soda while at home with her, as she believed it made  him too hyper, but why the heck not spoil him right before he leaves her, eh? Give him a "special treat" of Jolt before he goes to daddy's house...)  

It was really amazing.  And we approached it in the only way we knew how.  We told him he was being treated great right now, but when the GAL is gone and court is over, things are almost assuredly going right back to the way they were... when he had no new toys, no candy, no soda all the time, no movies, no... nothing, and he had to realize that.  We didn't want it to come as a shock to him, but he had to know that he was being paid off... bought to say the things his mom wanted him to say.

He was saying, often, that he didn't want to be with us - neighbors were telling us ss's mother was putting on "shows" for witnesses to see... setting ss up to throw a fit before he left her apartment/car - crying, throwing a fit because he didn't want to come see us on our weekends.  (We lived VERY close to ex-wife, in the same apartment complex.  It was huge, but still, we had similar neighbors.)  She'd set up ss to know that she was doing something that weekend, something special, and he'd cry because he dind't want to go with us, he wanted to do what she was doing that weekend.

During this time, my ss, who's a boy with a lot of "troubles" emotionally and behaviorally... could do no wrong.  He was lying, cheating, stealing, physically abusive and violent with other children... and whenever someone would bring it to his mom's attention, she'd play it off and not punish ss.  There were so many issues the apartment complex manager had given ex-wife "warnings" for her son's behaviors (like the time he was caught urinating right outside in public view, or the time he threw rocks and cars, or the time he threw rocks at windows...)  Ex-wife did nothing other than tell ss he had to stay inside for a while because the apartment manager was mad.




> She has ADHD

Yeah (and I scoff)  So did ss... sheahright.  Ss had symptoms of ADHD but did not have ADHD.  He was a child with ADHD symptoms -

1.  Often fidgeting with hands or feet, or squirming while seated.

He was a 6 year old BOY with a lot of energy, who was living with a woman who has/had NO concept of how to parent and set limits and boundaries.  YES he fidgeted and squirmed while seated.  Did anyone bother to ask WHY he was fidgeting so much? DId anyone try alternative therapies to see if he could learn to sit still and learn that sitting still in certain situations was appropriate behaviors?  No, they drugged him first, and ... asked questions later? no one asked questions until my husband threw a huge hissy fit... but that's another posting.

2.  Having difficulty remaining seated

Show me a 6 year old boy who doesn't and I might fall out of my chair.

3. Being easily distracted by extraneous stimuli.

Personality.  My ss is a very intelligent boy with a lot of energy.  He loves to see how things work (by taking things apart ... aka "BREAKING things") he's also a visual-spatial learner, which, by nature, is all about the eyes and less about the ears.  When I say he's a very intelligent boy, I'm not just being flattering.  He tested as "highly gifted" at age 8 years.  He just needs to see everything around him and know all there is to know about it.  Doesn't make him ADHD.

4.  Having difficulty awaiting turn in games or group activities

We never saw this problem.

5.  Often blurting out answers before questions are completed

Never saw this problem - but if a kid does this, maybe it's because they're freakin' BORED and already KNOW the answer... if they're super smart, it's their way of telling the adult "Move on, let's get to some HARD stuff!"  (I taught in classrooms with some super intelligent Asperger's kids, lol... I loved'em, if anyone was to the point, it was definitely my AS students, but they taught me a LOT, this being one of them.)

6.  Having difficulty in following instructions.

My ss is a visual spatial learner, he does NOT do things in order.  Visual Spatial Learners do NOT think in linear sequences, meaning... "order means nothing".  A classic example, for him, is when doing an incredibly complex math problem at age 7 (before we realized something was "up" with his brain power)...  I showed him the process... he was NOT paying attention to it, so I lost my patience and said "fine, you do it, and when you get it wrong, you'll be asking ME how you do it and I'll be less than pleased to have to repeat myself..." reminding him he was NOT to get up from the table until he had it completed.  I was sure he was not going to get this problem correct.

Sure enough, a few minutes later he presents me with the answer.  No writing, no scrap paper work, nothing.  The answer was correct.  I asked him if he cheated or something, because I couldn't figure out how he came to the answer... so I asked "HOW in the world did you do this?" and he explained it to me... and it was far more complicated, to me, than I care to write here.  I'd have done it in a sequence of "the process of finding the answer to the problem" but he? he was ALL OVER THE PLACE in his brain... multiplying numbers I never would have considered, adding in places I wouldn't have thought, and since he hated division, he worked around it.  I was stunned.


7.  Having difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities. Often shifting from one uncompleted task to another.

Because he was not taught to apply himself!  If a child is not taught to do these things HOW can they LEARN to do these things? Some kids just "do", other kids just "don't" and you have to teach them.  When you have a highly gifted kid who wants to learn everything about everything and who fills in the blanks of what they do NOT know, with their own logic and reasoning, if not simply so they can move on to the next unexplored adventure... y'know?  I mean, that doesn't make them ADHD, it makes them curious and thirsty for more information and new things to sink their teeth into.  Guidance and direction are needed, not medication and labels.  (can you tell I'm a bit of a fanatic about this subject? because ADHD was also used against my husband when considering the custody situation)


8.  Having difficulty playing quietly.

C'mon.  I mean really.  6 year olds playing "Quietly"?  Kids don't play quietly until they're adults.  My mom had a rule at the apartment complex she and my dad owned back when I was a kid, ok? lol.. the rule was "NO NOISE BEFORE 9:00 AM!" and she was VERY disdainful of kids being outside, playing, before 9:00 am because ... Kids - can't... play... quietly! lol ;) Y'know?

9.  Often talking excessively

Yeah? well gifted kids often talk excessively, and if you have a kid who has a verbal processing issue, who has ONE thing to say but can't get it out, then you see the kid talking in circles trying to say what they really want to say.  FOr my ss, a visual-spatial learner, he does NOT have a huge vocabulary, so he can't use 1 or 2 strong vocabulary words to wrap up an entire sentence.  He needs to speak in very juvenile terms, he just doesn't pull into his brain, those big words, to express himself.  He'll put you to sleep in a matter of minutes.  It's sad, and it's annoying, but it's a part of life.  Does it make him an ADHD candidate?  No, it makes him a kid who would rather draw you a picture ot express himself than to use $2.00 vocabulary words he "SEES" rather than "hears".

10.  Often interrupting or intruding on others

And doing these things could be a sign of a child who hasn't been taught proper social graces.  My ss interrupts - less now than before, but this was definitely a problem for him.  However, when considering the source of his parenting at the time, it was not a wonder at all.  The problem was, when considering the ADHD diagnosis the only person that was looked at was ss.  His family? the way they lived, the things they did, the expectations they had of each other?  NONE of that was considered... and so? he was put on drugs, because HE was defective.  I could get into the dispicable nature of his mother, but I just won't go there.  (I may sound as though I'm coming down too hard on her, so I'll say that we got custody of my stepson due to his mother's abuse and neglect of him)

11.  Often not listening to what is being said.

My ss also has this issue, but he's also highly manipulative and makes it appear he's not listening, when he really is.  Again, it's the parents responsibility to teach their kids HOW to listen.  Teach them eye contact and an opening of the ears and a closing of the mouth.  If there is doubt the child is listening?  THe child should repeat back to the parent, what the parent said, or asked.  (For kids with bona fide ADHD, this is a hard issue for them, and I *do* completely sympathize)

12.  Often forgetting things necessary for tasks or activities

If you have a visual spatial learner, they will do this because they don't think in sequences.  If you have a gifted kid, they may do this because "hay, I can do it without that" ;) lol.. it's entirely frustrating for the rest of us... eh hemmm "NORMAL" folk.    I swear it, my ss could be a McGyver in the making.  He could make an atom bomb out of a toothpick and a stick of gum.  

13.  Often engaging in physically dangerous activities without considering possible consequences.

Again, visual spatial kids don't think in sequences... "If...then" statements may not apply so emphatically because that would be sequential ;)  "If I touch the hot stove, then I will get burned".  They think "If I touch the stove, which is white, and the burner is red... why's it red? oh, and it's a circle too, isn't that neat, there are FOUR circles but only one's red... the knobs are red too !!!OWWW I BURNED MYSELF!!!! "  y'know? lol  They aren't necessarily higher risk takers, but then again, some are.  My ss would have jumped off the roof of a building with nothing but a blanket as a parachute, as a kid. Now?  He rarely risks much of anything.   It could just be personality at that age.  Point being, long term consequences, or consequences which are NOT immediate, to some kids (like my ss) aren't necessarily as impending as they should be because the risks are worth taking. They don't think of ONE final consequence, they think of FIVE POSSIBLE consequences and it's worth the risk that he won't get the WORST of those 5.  It's a far more complex way of approaching life, which is what makes it so frustrating for us, adults, at the time, and which also makes it look like - to us - that he doesn't have any control over his decisions or he doesn't think about the consequences... that he's without the ability to do so in OUR TERMS... making him appear ADHD.  (when in fact, he's "gifted" and gifted kids learn in completely different terms... their own.  We just... watch... and hope they don't break something or hurt themselves, or gawd forbid, "have pieces left over, dangit". ;)  )





>and her child psychologist supposedly said that
>because of child's current clingy behavior to mother it would
>be detrimental to give the father any more time.

The problem I have with this is, this is the child's ADHD psychologist?  The psychologist should be a separate individual, who is a FAMILY counselor, not a counselor who's begun counseling for a different reason relating solely to the child's ADHD and "Ohh we'll just keep going and go the route of family counseling now..."  No.  A new, UNBIASED counselor should be considered.  I would motion the court for such a counselor, asap.  




>He has
>supposedly written a letter for court to that effect.  (The
>psychologist has had only a few brief meetings with both mom
>and dad present to discuss child's ADHD and treatment and dad
>didn't talk much.  

ADHD and that diagnosis has little to nothing to do with family dynamics in terms of parenting time.

There's a pretty significant amount of data out there that shows that children without father's in their lives tend to show symptoms of ADD/ADHD more often than those who DO have their father's in their lives.  Girls without dads are more likely to become pregnant as teens and boys without their dads in their lives are more likely to be violent/aggressive and show signs of ADHD/ADD.


>The psychologist has never talked with us,
>father and I (stepmom), about what our home life is like.  He
>has been interacting with mom's side of family and child for
>two years.  Dad had no formal custody rights and no access to
>medical records)


Based on what you said, I would motion the court to appoint a non-biased NEW counselor.  Ask the court for a list of court approved counselors who none of you are associated with, in any way, and for the court to also ORDER both parents to attend family counseling.

I would also motion the court for shared legal parenting with visitation.




>
>What are common visitation arrangements with very involved
>fathers and will the psychologist's recommendations be
>applicable in court?  

The psychologists recommendations COULD be taken seriously by the judge if you do not bring it to the judge's attention that this counselor is the child's ADHD counselor and NOT the "family" counselor... I would motion the court to allow the choosing of a new counselor, a "FAMILY" counselor, which is a non-biased party which neither parent nor the child, are familiar with, so you can ALL start fresh in determining what is in the best interests of the child in terms of parenting time.  


THe most common visitation arrangement you'll see is, "every other weekend with one night on the off week and..." a split of holidays, summers, birthday, mother's day, and father's day.  All of the non-every other weekend and one night on the off weeks' are really specific to the indivual cases.  Not everyone has the same visitations outside of the every other weekend with one night on the off week.

Generally, I'd say this is normal.

Every other weekend, One night on the off week. (1st and 3rd weekends, and months with 5 weekends, the 5th goes to the NCP)

Dinner night on the off week is right after school until 1 hour before bedtime.  (Unless you are close enough to have it be an overnight, then SOME people get the overnight, but NOT all, not even the majority)

Long weekends, if NCP's weekend, the NCP gets the Monday holidays.

First Right of Refusal - meaning, if the custodial parent at the time of visitation or custody, can't watch the child, the other parent will be asked BEFORE a secondary care provider is sought.  The child may be left with stepparents without being in contempt of the First Right of Refusal.


Christmas Holiday - if you are close enough, split the day right in half.  If you are not.  One parent gets Christmas Even, the other Christmas day.  Alternating years.  If you are REALLY far away, then you split the weeks, or you alternate the entire break year to year.

February break -  Either split in half OR, one parent gets it one year, the other gets it the other year.

Spring Break -  Same as Feb. break, only NO parent gets BOTH in the same year.

Summer vacation -  Week on, Week off,

We also had a random vacation clause which said that either parent may have 2 weeks of vacation time with ss IF that parent is leaving the state or otherwise "going away from home".  




>Also, the fact that the child was well
>adjusted and wanted more time with dad before the filing of
>the custody papers be a factor?

Been there, done that.  My advice would be to appeal to the child's sense of self, and right/wrong.  If she's a smart cookie, she's going to grasp the sense of justice and injustice, and you may lose this battle, like we did... but when she's on the arse end of the sh*tst*ck, she's going to remember who was up front and honest with  her, and it  will NOT go unnoticed.  She'll know who to turn to when a good dose of reality's in order.



> I'm worried we are going to lose because of this "doctor's" bias opinion.


You very well could :(  Sorry to be so black and white, but if you don't play your cards right, you very well could.  There's more than just the psychologist as well, there's going to be a whole lot of mediating through all of this, and I'd certainly work that angle as MUCH as I could.

[boysmom1]

I first off, didn't say or intend to make my post sound like I was perfect. I also took the time to disclaim at the beginning that I was in no way insinuating that the people who post here were like my ex.

I know, first hand that not all NCP are bad. My boyfriend has 2 girls and has been denied visitation with them since November of last November. All because she wants more money. He'd love to have more time with his children and are great with them. But she is the example that sets all birth mothers in a bad light.

I did not intend to criticize the original poster. I wasn't trying to. I apologize if my post came off as such.

My ex had a drinking and anger problem before he became my ex. For as long as we were married he had the problems. They developed within months of us getting married. He was an abusive ex. When a man throws a punch at your head to see if you will duck and then laugh because as he said, "I have the power to make you do anything I want", that isn't the programming. Its someone who needs help. I tried everything I could for 5 years to get him that help. Have still helped him get help since we've gotten divorced. Because our son deserves to have a father who's alive and well, not dead because he was driving drunk.

My misgivings are as follows: I do smoke cigarettes. I smoke outside or if I am in a car I smoke with the window down. I am unable to buy all my son would like but he has plenty and has what he needs. I tend to be strict on my son, I'm learning and trying to do better at this and let him be a child. My father was very strict on me, I'm trying to break that cycle. I do not beat my child, but I have spanked him on a rare occasion. I used to drink socially on occasion. My son has seen me drink one or two beers, never when I will be driving with him. I am now considering living with a man whom I've been dating for approximately 1 year. He has asked me to marry him, and I have went to my ex husband and asked his opinion regarding our son and the living arrangements. He didn't see a problem with it. I explained that I would like his honest opinion. Had he told me he didn't think it was right for our son, I probably wouldn't still be considering it. But he stated that he didn't see a problem with living together.

What I'm trying to say by this post is yes, I have misgivings also. You are correct. I didn't have the opportunity to finish it yesterday. My ex's misgivings put my son directly in harms way. Not every NCP is bad. But neither is every birth mom. He would gladly get on here and tell you what a witch I am, but never tell you why I've had to protect my son time and time again.

I ask that you NOT judge all bm's based on the posts and blast the bm. She may have justifiable reasons.

I even stepped back and looked hard at my boyfriends situation before I took sides. I still give her credit when it is due. I still try to remember what she is going through.

You are absolutely right that not all NCP are bad parents. I totally agree with that statement.

I in no way shape or form meant for that post to sound like I was lumping everyone in one category. My ex loves his son, my son loves his dad. I will do everything in my power to encourage that relationship, and I do. My ex got my son Wed and is keeping him until Sunday morning when I get him for Easter. Then my son will go back Sunday night and stay until Monday night. My ex's "court ordered visitation" is Sat 9 am - Mon 9 am with holidays taking precedence over all other visitation. My son is on spring break and his dad wanted him. I'm working, there's no reason whatsoever that they shouldn't get to spend the time together.

I am not saying that everyone here is in denial. I know that rights are violated everyday. I've seen it first hand. And believe me, I'm here to fight for those rights.

All I ask is please, don't lump all birth moms in the same category either. I won't lump all NCP's either.

Truce?