Ex-wife wanting to use our disabled son as a meal ticket...

[Akashan]

  This is a long and incredibly sad story, but I will attempt to keep it to the point as much as possible. Your interest in my story, as well as any help you can offer would be incredibly appreciated.
   I am a 38 year-old father of a 7 year-old boy with quadriplegic cerebral palsy. I met my ex when I was young and very insecure. Our marriage was doomed from the beginning, but I allowed myself to be kept on a very short leash and also allowed myself to become as a slave to this woman on so many levels. When our son was born, I went from feeling very trapped to appreciating the kind of woman she was with our son. She was a good mother, until he got older.  She did not do much aside from our son, however. In fact, she discontinued all of his therapy because she feared he would be taken from us due to her lack of housekeeping.  I worked all day outside the home, and when I came home tired and couldn't get right to giving her attention, she would use my son against me, saying if I didn't put more into our relationship she would take my son away where I would never see him again. I tried hard to please her, but it never seemed to be enough. I spent most of my life drained, which might be why I seemed so aloof.
   She met a Native American man who claiming to be a "shaman", offered us marriage counseling.  He even signed an agreement to become our marriage counselor.  She began to spend and a lot of her time with this man, and seemed to become a happier person.  It seemed a bit odd, but wanting to please my wife I indulged her, as I did most everything, but at the same time was not completely sure if I could trust what was going on.  She had given me reason in the past to suspect her of not being as honest as she could be.  I was right to be suspicious.
  While planning to divorce me, she talked me into purchasing a larger home. When I bought it, 100% paid off, she asked for the divorce.  I had made the decision to place the home in my mother's name, just in case. Thank God I did. She was furious when she could not have the home we had just purchased.  She carried on with the divorce and took everything.  She took not only her jewelry, but mine, including valuable family heirlooms she had no right to.  She took every CD she knew I liked, even if she didn't. She even went so far as to take back every birthday and Christmas gift she had given me.  Along with these she took our son, and almost $20,000 (which was all I had), along with the van needed to transport a child in a wheelchair. I allowed this, without fighting it at all, because she was, after all going to be the custodial parent of a child who does require a lot of care. She left and went to her new boyfriend, our marriage counselor.  
   She had no job, but I did, which is how she was going to be getting quite a bit of money for child support.  My days off were Sunday and Monday and I asked her that my weekend visitations be from Saturday night until Monday night, rather than Friday to Sunday. It was easy for her to accommodate, but she just smugly looked at me and said, "You need to learn to be responsible as a father." You will understand how incredibly ludicrous that statement became as you read on. Fortunately, my job allowed me to bring my son, but I was fired from the job, due to the amount of angry phone calls from my ex on a consistent basis over how unfair I was as a husband.
    Less than one month after taking my son, prior to the divorce being finalized, she calls me up one day and says she can no longer handle parenting our child. She said her back hurt and he was too heavy to care for and that she was self-admittedly too mentally inadequate to deal with him. She admitted to leaving him in a room alone for long periods of time, and that if I did not take him immediately, she would turn him over to social services.  She returned him to me, minus the money for his care and his van.  I was suddenly a jobless single father, with a child who requires incredibly expensive childcare. I found a job, briefly, that paid enough that I could pay a sitter willing to care for him. It was only a temporary job, and the sitter hired was not very good with my son.  He did not like her at all.  My ex-wife did not contact me about our son in any manner for at least a month after dropping him off. Keep in mind; she only lived only 5 miles from us, with her boyfriend. Still, even when she began visiting him, it was incredibly sporadic and I had to bring our son to her and come pick him up.  She began treating me as if she were an occasional babysitter I was abusing, by asking her to take him every other weekend. She took him about once a month for a mere over night visit.
     After my divorce was final, I met what would become my future wife. She was accepting of my situation.  Being disabled herself (narcolepsy), she was incredibly understanding.  She even assists with my son quite a bit, but with narcolepsy, she can not be left alone with a child who requires constant care and is completely helpless. I was still out of work, doing odd jobs from home to get by. One night I made plans when my ex was to take our son.  She calls and cancels saying, "I need a night off once in a while". It was ludicrous. The next time she had him, on the day I was to pick him up, I fell on the ice and was injured enough to need a prescription for a pain reliever with a narcotic.  I felt much better, but driving was not happening.  My girlfriend, having a sleep disorder, does not drive.  So for once, I asked my ex to bring our son home, or I would come and pick him up the next day.  God forbid, she keep her son two full nights, she brought him home.  She brought him in, explained a bit on what he did that day and left. It seemed pleasant enough, until 15 minutes later she calls yelling at me that I did not even bother to thank her. I was in no mood for it, and told her I was not going to speak to her any longer.  She called back 10 times total until we took the phone off the hook. One of the calls, my girlfriend answered, thinking she might be able to intervene to calm her. Bad idea. She went hysterical. My girlfriend asked her why she was speaking as if she were no more than an underpaid babysitter.  She yelled about how good of a mother she was for 5 years. My girlfriend asked her why then she was behaving this way now. She answered how I mistreated her and made her neurotic.  After this conversation, she disappeared from his life for a good few months. It was her boyfriend who contacted us and asked that he and my girlfriend acted as intermediaries, due to how neurotic my ex got when even thinking about me.  We made the decision that I would no longer transport our son for her. I had done it only out of kindness and since it was thrown in my face, followed by complete abandonment I was not feeling so giving. One visit went well. I was not even there when she picked him up. The next visit (she came early and I had not left yet), she shows up and out of the blue says that the next year she will take back my son full-time. Well no need to point out the obvious to how I felt about that. I was not cruel, in spite of the fact she would have deserved it, but told her she was being irrational and should think about what had just occurred and that this was only her second visit in months (still she was only taking him for an overnight visit and not even a complete weekend). She began yelling at me about things I supposedly had done to her years ago, and how I was not a good father.  Maybe I was not as attentive when I was married to her, and working long hours, but as a mostly unemployed single dad, that I was at that time, I was never away from my child aside from the few overnighters she bestowed us with.  Maybe I should not have, but without my son present, I called her a slightly derogatory name and asked her to leave my property.  About a week later, two days before mother's day, she writes, hand-written, an attempted formal letter as if to the court, asking to let go of any visitation rights with her son because of my harassment.  There were witnesses to our interaction that know this was certainly not the case.  I wrote her a letter and told her if I was her only issue I would arrange to never be present when she picked him up. She still did not respond and paid no child support for quite a few months, saying I owed her money for the one ring she returned to me after I begged, that was not hers anyway, and we had no contact with her for a long time.  She sent no card or gift for his birthday. She also made no contact that Christmas.  She eventually began sending $50 a month.  I was irritated to say the least. This woman, who had begged me to have a child with her, only to abandon him, I came to find out she got a job, and was still only sending me $50 a month to care for a severely disabled child.  I took her to court. While in court, I discovered she had quit her job.  The court did not increase her child support.  However, she pleaded with me forgiveness for her actions, and asked to once again see her child.  Knowing how badly my son missed his mommy, I caved easily and was ready to believe in her.  
     I had found a caretaker for my son that was generous with his time and allowed me to work part time.  He also delivered our son to a location where my ex would meet and pick him up. She also began taking him for an entire weekend.  This lasted for three visitations, when she began making excuses again. Every other weekend became once a month. Out of the blue she requests that the following summer she wanted him for those months he was out of school.  I did not say no to this, but did ask her to perhaps take him over Christmas vacation and see how that went before making plans so far into the future.  From there we would discuss the summer.
    Christmas came and she did take him.  Almost a week past had past since she picked him up. I was very pleased she had not called to return him and for once things seemed to have finally normalized.  The day before Christmas I got a letter not from her, but from her unemployed boyfriend.  He says, "Your son would like to stay with us on a permanent basis. We will talk later and arrange child support".  I was horrified!  She even told my son custody would be transferred. I told them it was not happening, and if they wanted to think differently they could take it before a judge.  So many times she had caused my son emotional pain of leaving him and now this.  
    Unfortunately, the story does not end here. My son was frightened by the experience, expressed annoyance at being at their home due to their chain-smoking, and was acting out in ways he did not before.  
    Now before I go on, I should mention the other element to this story.
My child is in the condition he is in because the hospital ignored our request for a c-section after we noted meconium when my ex's water broke. They refused noting, "We don't need our c-section rate going up" and "you should trust us".  They forced her into a 12-hour labor session that ended only when my son's heart stopped.  There has been a lawsuit pending for sometime.  Many times a court date has been set only to have it postponed once more. If there is mercy in the world, he should get enough to pay for his care and equipment he will need all through his life. With that said, I will go on.
    She saw our son for two more visits when she called me up and cancelled.  Her reason this time shocked me.  I had in the past offered her flexible visitations on any days that were best for her, as long as it was equivalent to a few days, twice a month.  I asked only that it be a consistent schedule and told to us in advance.  She said, she was going to start working weekends at gun shows and could not take our son because she had to act sexual with men.  These were her words. I am not sure, but I think it was a foolish attempt to make me jealous and see how I would react. (I did hear a rumor from her family members that she eventually thought she would get me back after she taught me some kind of lesson). She followed this with informing me how after the trial (which at this time was scheduled for about few months following) was over she wanted half custody since she would have money to have someone help her.  She even stressed how much child support I would be required to pay. I was so in shock, I could not even answer. This conversation was beyond low, even for her. I listened to her go on and on about what she would do with our son's money while canceling visitations for such a ludicrous sick reason. Just when I think she can't go any further, it gets even worse.  Even though I had not told her no yet, because I was honestly, completely lost for words when we spoke, she wrote me an incredibly threatening letter.  I had not written back quickly enough for her, a mere 48 hours later. She said since I was obviously not considering half custody, she would no longer visit him at all.  It was insane. Since Christmas, we had once again made amends and she promised she would not do anything like that again if she could have him for the summer.  I admit I did like the idea of a break, even though I was reluctant to allow this. I wanted the time to spend with my girlfriend so we could really get to know each other, just the two of us.  We made a lot of special plans.  She cancelled.  She said in an email (proof if we need to go to court) that she would get even.  
     It actually gets worse. I decided to move closer to my son's school, and being incredibly kind, my child's caretaker offered that since his children went to the same school as mine, he could take him on for a few weeks giving me time to pack and move.  By choice, he was living with what some would call primitive conditions.  He had no T.V. and wanted his children to appreciate more simple things in life.  They went to a well for water, emptied a tank on a regular basis at a local sewage dump, and daily visited a shower house put there for the many people who enjoy camping as a way of life in the mountains.  Nobody at the school district that he was working for even knew that he lived this way, because his children were clean and happy, and more well behaved than most. I didn't mind at all my child staying there and my son was happy at the change in atmosphere with the only exception being that he missed the few games he is able to play on Play station.  
    My ex found out through a family member that he was going to be staying there. She knew how he lived as they befriended during the times he transported our son to her for visits.  We cannot prove it, but do have enough evidence to point to her being responsible for our entire life being investigated by Child Protective Services.  Though they had no case at all, they threw him out of his home stating children have to live in a home with running water and such.  We were fortunate in that we had our new home and were almost completely moved in.  I had to give his family a place to live for a while because of this investigation.  CPS was actually quite apologetic about the situation once they realized what had occurred.  They could not tell us who called, but you could see it on the man's face when we told him the story, that he felt bad and knew exactly what had happened.  I wrote her a letter, never mentioning any of the hell she caused us (I didn't want her to have the satisfaction of knowing anything had occurred), but asking her that if she wants any visitation in the future to do it through a judge, because I would no longer deal with her threats, or the mental stress she put on our son when I had to explain why mommy disappears again and again.
     The personal injury trial was postponed again until October.  We heard nothing from her for over half a year.  We got a $50 check every month from her boyfriend for our son's support.  She never asked about him in any manner until last month. Since she is kept updated on his trial, being an obvious key witness, I kind of expected her interest to peak once more when those dates arrived.  I had begun relating her interest to our son to correlate with trial dates.  She wrote a short letter on a memo type paper that briefly asks how our son was doing and that if money and time permits she will take him once a month.  She asked me to respond to her through email.  I wrote her as kind of a letter as possible, but bluntly explained my position. I told her I did not trust her for good reason, and that her son needs more than an occasional sleepover.  I reminded her how she stole $20,000 from him that she used to pay for her boyfriend's truck, sold his van to live off the money, and proceeds to return only her son, even threatening Social Services if I didn't take him immediatly.  I explained how much she hurt him.  My child even had to get on medication to deal with the stress of it all.  Already having Cerebral palsy, and being stuck in his body, he could throw some huge fits, when the woman he knew as his mother threw him to the curb time and again.  I told her that if she is ever permitted visits or custody and harms our son, he will never be able to come back to me and ask, "With all she did to me, why did you not protect me?" He could blame only the judge.  She asked me to respond through email, which is where I sent the letter.  I don't know if she received it, but I got another handwritten letter today, that says she has gone to an attorney and wants to see him.  After all this time she added angrily, "...and I have that right". There was no kindness or apology, but only a very threatening, "You have two weeks to respond or else".  
     Two months prior to her having remembered she has a son once more, I had made the decision that I wanted to do something special for my boy.  He began to develop hip dysplasia, (a common occurrence to people with cerebral palsy), and the pain became terrible for him.  Even the more simple things he was able to do have become difficult.  There are things we can do for him, but the only thing my insurance will cover is hip surgery. I want to take him to a doctor in another state whose work resulted in a little girl we know with the same condition to now be able to walk with a limp. It is a less-invasive technique than full surgery and I don't want my son to have to suffer through a surgery that could result in him never walking if something goes wrong. Being very smart and having an electronic speaking device, he was in regular school with all the other kids the past year, but I knew this year would be hard.  With the medicine he has to take now for his muscle cramps and nerves, he is moody, groggy, and often has explosive accidents in his diaper that require clothing changes.  I knew going to school would mean putting him in the special education class where most children are there due to mental issues rather than a physical one, like my son. Also, for the entire month of October, he would have had to be out of school to go to another state for his trial. Having gotten married, my wife and I decided we would sell our home after completing our 40-foot RV with a wheelchair lift we were blessed with, through the generosity of family. It needed some work, and I put a lot into it.  It is very nice.  We decided to home school him for this year, and slowly drive across the country visiting family, seeing a specialist, and viewing various tourist attractions along the way. Most children never get to do such a thing, but having the opportunity to do so, we thought it would be wonderful for him.  He has been very excited.  We were even going to stop and visit a family member for a few weeks who is ill and help her fix up her home. We made these plans before my ex ever wrote again, and with her having abandoned him, I don't see where she could have any say so in altering our plans. We have yet to tell her we are leaving.  According to even our original custody agreement, prior to her written statement of relinquishment, I had a certain amount of days before I had to report to her my location in the event of a move. She said in her letter we have two weeks to respond to her.  We have been planning to leave in a little over one week from now.
    I have yet to do so, but I decided to respond by stating she can give me her attorney's information and I will put my attorney in touch with hers.  I don't have an attorney retained and I doubt she has either, but I don't put anything past her.  At this point, before I respond to her, can anyone tell me if there is any more damage this woman can do if we tell her we are leaving?  Is there anything she can do legally to force us to stay?  I read on this site that a parent's rights can be terminated for some of the very things she has done.  If I were to pursue that option, will it hold up a long awaited adventure this boy deserves so badly?  I cannot handle the idea of him missing out on something he is looking forward to so much, because of his mother. She has done enough.  I know all to well that if he loses this trial we are unlikely to ever hear from her.  However, if he wins, she will stop at nothing to get whatever she can from him, as she did to me for years.  She tended to like me only when she was well supplied in material possessions and in spite of warnings of friends and family, I was blind to it for a long time.  If my son is fortunate enough to win this trial, that money has to last him the rest of his life, so when you consider how she took $20,000 and spent it in a month, stealing even his van, you can understand why I am frightened.  
     I am fortunate that most correspondences with her were emails and the insanity of her words can be shown to a court, but I cannot help feeling nervous.  I left out the many things she did to my life, aside from what she did to my son, and I know what she is capable of. If anyone can offer any input or any attorney might like to correspond with me that specializes in this kind of case who lives in Colorado, and might like to be considered for a retainer being put down, feel free to write me.  I cannot afford another huge expense with the trip I am taking, and the uncovered medical treatments, but would highly appreciate someone coming forward who can be fair and reasonable and would want to help protect my son.  I am not sure what steps to take next and would appreciate an attorney that will take on this case, if needed, and treat it as more than another job.
     I want to say thank-you to everyone who has taken the time to read my story.  My son and I appreciate it.

[TPK]

Whoa!, your post might be the longest I've seen.

If your court order states you must inform the other parent in a certain amount of time before you move you better do it. She has the right to try and fight it, and you could be held in contempt for not informing her.

If I'm reading your post correctly, you're saying you're gonna sell your home and live in an RV? I don't think a Judge would side with you on that.

Terminating her rights will be very difficult to do, even with her irrational behavior. She'd literally have to sign her rights away, you cannot ask the court to do it. Short of you being married again, and your new spouse willing to adopt your child, I believe you won't get her rights terminated.

It sounds to me like your ex-wife is Bi-Polar or has some other form of mental illness.

[lucky]

For me it was too long.  I couldn't make head or tail of it.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[4honor]

on what your original order says and what your current order says. With more than one custody order/parenting plan in place, the currents orders are often a combination of all orders (what is not addressed in subsequent orders is not changed).

Look at all your orders on a point by point basis. If the first one says something about moving or transportation then look at the next one to decipher if it changes, Etc. So what changed when custody changed (does the order say you get what she had and vice versa?)

If a current order is silent on a matter that is addressed in previous orders, you may be stuck with what the previous order says, OR you may be subject to a change in state statute (Move away laws are becoming more and more prevalent, so look at CO laws.)

You may get a clearer picture after doing this, or you may have more questions. Many Attys will do an initial 30 min phone session for free or a reduced price.

Continue to do what is best for your child. Remember your child may hate his mother's home, but he still loves his mother (whether she deserves it or not.) You have the unenviable position of trying to balance his need for BOTH parents with keeping him healthy and safe.

In my state, the only true defenses to Contempt are that the person did not know of the order, OR they believed they were protecting their child from physical harm. So if you deny visitation (go by the order only) without good cause, you can be held in contempt. IF no order is in place, offer specific dates and times for the ex to have contact.

Check your state statutes for length of time for abandonment. The pittance of $$ she sends is enough to avoid that in my state (one year no $$, no contact).

Alot of what you wrote will mean NOTHING to a judge (that's the way things are) and you may be hurting yourself by going on the road (clandestinely) in an RV with no home of record. Imagine Middle America hearing about a father taking his severely disabled child on the road in an RV with no real plan in place and no home to come back to. What are they going to say? that is probably the position a judge is going to take... it will take serious lawyer bucks to overcome that position. I suggest you do this for the least amount of time necessary to get your son treated and then return to the area you left. Other wise it will look as if you are trying to interfere with your child's access to his other parent (a mother no less) and can get you in serious trouble with the courts... she could get a "free" lawyer through the legal aid... and they will go for the throat... especially if she lets on that there is a pending multi-million dollar law-suit attached to the custody of the child.


On another note, I have seen a house purchased with a child's lawsuit settlement and put into the name of a trust specifically for the care of the child... so it will continue after the parents are gone. You might look into that -- creating the trust for the child I mean.