sick toddler

[Gram]

My grandchild is under 2 and the BF is supposed to have visitation but the child is vomiting, running a fever and has been since last week's visit. What is the norm for visits with a sick child? I know that the BF needs to know how to care for him, but I don't think the child should have to be taken out when so ill. We've offered to allow the visit to take place here, but the BF doesn't like to do that.

[Giggles]

nm

[ocean]

Offer make-up time but if he wants the child and it is not a far drive, I would let the child go. Fathers can take care of their kids too (even when they are sick :)  )

[Pixie]

Ocean I have to disagree just a bit.

Although yes father could care for sick child, it isn't in the childs best interest to take a vomitting child w/ a fever who feels bloody aweful and is under the age of 2 and ask the child / aka toddler to move to another place to continue being sick.

My experience is most little ones want to stay w/ their mama when sick and vomitting... but that is just what I have learned w/ my two kids.

I think make up time is a good idea, but keeping in mind teh age of the child (under 2) and that the child is vomitting... a car ride isn't a great idea. :(

[wysiwyg]

In my opinion, if the child has been sick since last week, has the child been to a doctor?  If so then gram can ask the Doc his professional opinion if the child could go out and be nurtured by dad, or if the child should stay home.  Gram should offer the docs opinion to Dad and Dad can make the decision if he thinks he wants to or better not to have the child while ill, or in the event dad feels it better to leave the child in his current environment to recouperate, then gram and dad should make an agreement to an alternate weekend when the child will be well.  

The last poster said her experience has been that kids want their mothers while ill, I wonder why then Gram is taking care of this child, I would think the child should be with his father.

Just my two cents.

[Ref]

That was my first thought. Maybe it would be better if the child is taken to the Dr. by the dad if the mom hasn't bothered to do so already.

A week of this for is 2 year old is way too long. If the baby is too ill to see dad, obviously it is serious enough for medical attention. If you don't agree, maybe you should question your motives.

Ref

[Windd]

Father's can take care of sick children also. There are male and female doctors.

I think the father should be allowed to have his time if he wants it.

If the child got sick while with the father shoulld he then stay with the father until he got better? According to your argument he should not be moved if he is sick.

[Gram]

Thanks for all your input. The child has seen the doctor, twice in fact. The BF does not want his time when the child is sick because he really doesn't know what to do, and doesn't want to deal with it. The baby was never too ill to see dad. I just didn't think it was good for a sick child to endure a 45 minute car ride (each direction) and wondered what other people do in this situation. The BF did not want to come here to take care of the child. His next scheduled visit is tomorrow, and the baby is better now, so is make-up time for the 2 hour midweek visit still necessary?

[Ref]

but a matter of what a good person would do. I think it would go a long way with your relationship with BF to at least make the offer. You may see it as ONLY a 2 hour visitation but that might mean much much more to the dad.

Good Luck
Ref

[wysiwyg]

nm

[Gram]

Poor choice of words on my part. Thanks again for your advice. We're just getting tired of rearranging our days to accommodate the BF whenever he's sick, out of town, hungover, or doesn't have his mother available to help him with his child. Now the baby's been sick, we offered a visit here, he doesn't want to deal with vomiting, etc. But you're right...we do need to improve our relationship with him, and even if he doesn't take us up on it, the offer could be a positive step. So thanks. And in case you're wondering why I'm the one writing, I do all the daycare for my grandchild while my daughter, the BM is at work. They've lived with me since the baby's birth, and I'm unavoidably enmeshed in their lives. My purpose in participating in this forum is to get a more objective look at both sides of the picture.

[Ref]

on behalf of BM. I am SM and write on this site on behalf of DH all the time. I don't think he has every posted on this page.

I know it is annoying, but if it doesn't put you or BM out a ton, you might as well offer make-up time.

Good Luck! This is really not an easy road to travel.

Ref

[wysiwyg]

I understand your frustration, but rearranging your schedule to accomodate - is going to always be someone and not just dad.  You are providing day care for your grandchild, so you understandably have adjusted your daily routine to accomodate that while your daughter works.  

I am sure it is difficult for you to be in this position - a parent seeing their child going through a tough time and your grandchild also being ill.  However, nothing can change the fact that the child has a dad.  It seems to me that your relationship with dad is strained at best which is why he might not want to come by to visit his child in your home.  THis is where Ref I am sure menat to improve this relationship, for everyone concerned.  

I agree that offering dad time with his child, whether it is court ordered or not (why limit the time?) will tremendously benefit dad and the child. Why can dad not see the child for 3 or 4 hours or 2 or three times a week? That would also help to lessen the daycare you provide and give the child time to bond with dad.  Perhaps dad needs to feel needed by his child as well.

Two hours that dad can hold a sick or sleeping child will mean a lifetime to him.  Some of my best memories with my dad are the few hours we spent putting pennies on the train tracks and watching the trains run over them.  

I jsut read an article on the Fathers Issue forum and the last papagraph states "A society in which women are alone, men are lonely, and children don't have fathers is nothing to celebrate. And a future world filled with fatherless children -- bereft of half their identity and robbed of a father's love, discipline and authority -- won't likely be a pleasant place to live."

I hope this helps.  I am soon to be in your shoes while my husband and I still fight to see his son.  My daughter is in the millitary and headed for divorce with a small child.  

[Gram]

There is no doubt in my mind or my daughter's that my grandchild needs her dad. I've watched enough TV shows with adults trying to find or get to know their biological parents to understand how important this is. The BF has 8 hours of visitation every weekend plus the midweek 2 hour visit. Our problem is that the BF is not at all able to take care of a toddler. He relies on his own mother's help. When the child is sick and his mother is not available, he calls my daughter, the BM, to help. I think it's great that he does this, so the child's needs are met. Also, the bioparents get along better at the time. There's always a problem though when the paternal grandmother gets involved. This is her only child, her only grandchild, and frankly I think she's jealous of the relationship I have with the baby. Neither she nor the BF can provide the daycare, as both have jobs with hours similar to those my daughter works. When she's not working she's with the baby. I'm very lucky to be retired and able to do this. It's not easy, but I love this child and my daughter so much and want to do whatever I can to help. Anyway, thank you for your input. It really is helpful.

[wysiwyg]

Good luck Gram, I wish the best for you and the family!