When do you just throw your hands up?

[autandwynnie]

Long story, but I'll try to sum it up as short as possible.

BM had a CO done back in March granting her temporary custody.  She had her lawyer go in & say that BD (my fiance) was a kidnapping risk because he picked OS up from school without her knowledge.  It didn't happen that way.  He called her an hour before school let out & her friend that no normally picks up OS was there on the phone with BM & she told DF that she knew that he was picking up OS.  Not to mention DF is in the military (career), so kidnapping isn't something that he would do, imagine the reprocussions.  Also, in the CO it was stated that the kids can't stay overnight as long as he's cohabiting with a member of the opposite sex, even though BM was allowing it.  Anyway, the CO was March 23.  He was getting EOW with the boys.  March 24th comes, it's DF's weekend, BM still sends them, we all went camping for the weekend.  All the kids have a great time, BM gets mad, cuts of visitation.  They go to mediation, BM allows DF to have kids EOW from 9am-2pm on Sat & Sun, which they are allowed to come over to our home.  It's now July, the boys were allowed to go to the fireworks with DF, me & my 2 girls.  We had to drop them off to her after we tracked her down at a friend's house where everyone was drunk/stoned.  Nice, huh?  These are all parents in their 30's!  We had no choice because of the CO & the Sherriff would do nothing to help DF.  Well, then BM's car got repossessed, we saw when it happened as the private investigator contacted DF to find out if he knew where the car was.  So, DF is talking to her as the man is loading up the car & she suddenly says that the boys can start coming for overnights again as long as they don't sleep in our room.  Fine, not a problem.  They came EOW up until Sept when DF was relocated about 700 miles away.  Fast foward to 3 weeks ago.  DF calls BM tells her that he's going to pick up the boys for Christmas at 2:00 Christmas day as she has stated in the order.  BM says no, that she has plans for Christmas.  He says fine, I'll pick them up on the 26th & bring them back on the 2nd.  She says "ok".  Then she called a couple of days later complaining that OS has to go back to school on the 3rd & that he needs rest so he has to come home on the 1st.  DF said he can rest in the car, it was never a problem before when they would travel to see her family.  Well, their property hasn't been settled yet & low & behold he gets a call from his attorney yesterday saying that BM wants a quit-claim deed signed.  DF refuses.  BM also wants the visitation agreement drawn up allowing for 5 weeks in the summer, which she's requiring that he take leave (and he can't since he's in training) because she doesn't want them left with me until we're married.  DF says the boys have no problems with me & that there's no reason that I can't watch them because I'm home all day anyway.  She says that she knows that, but she has a problem with me therefore, I can't watch them.  She also said that she doesn't have to let them even come here as the order states that he can't cohabit with a member of the opposite sex.  But, before we moved she knew we lived together & still allowed them to stay overnight, when she agreed to Christmas, she knew we live together. She says the same rules apply to her & that she follows them.  We know that's not true because OS told us all about he BF staying over night & sleeping in mommy's bed with her not to mention that my best friend lives right around the corner from her & she sees the BF there all the time.  Anyway, DF isn't agreeing to the terms of her visitation either.  We had used to PP from here for the military & had just sent it to his attorney yesterday when this bomb shell got dropped.  BM is also PAing OS.  

DF is at the point where he wants to quit fighting.  The divorce has ruined him financially & it's going to get worse with the house & her lawyer fees.  He's done with her controlling his life.  He can't afford to keep fighting this, not to mention that he can't be in court because of military committments.  Yes, we know they have to let you go to court, but when you're in training, the rules are different & regardless, he falls under the Soldiers & Sailors Relief Act & that is supposed to automatically defer any court proceedings when in training or on a mission.  So, she's getting nasty, using the kids as pawns, all while denying it.  DF is emotionally spent & broke.  So when is it OK to just cry uncle?

~M
Dedicated Fiance to ~M, loving mother to 2 beautiful girls & future SM to 2 wonderful boys.

[Ref]

Are DF and BM divorced?

If I were DF, I would conceded that I only had as much as the temporary orders allow. It sucks. You are breaking the rules about cohabitating so you have pretty much started out in the hole. She can refuse to give the kids over for overnights because of this. Df could fight it, but he is the one that agreed to it.

It sounds like his CO says nothing about his parenting time. He needs to get on the ball and get that stuff drafted up. Do you have a court date to determine custody and child support? Many courts allow for telephonic attendance, so your DF can appear over the phone. Is he paying support?

The first step for you is to do a google searvch for standard parenting plans for your county(the county the kids live in). Many times itis on the clerk of the courts webpage. See what the standard is and at the least, ask for that to be the agreement. It will fly through the judges hands once it gets to the point, because  it is what they default to if the parties don't agree. Then you will never have to worry about if she will "allow" DF time because it wont be hers to "allow".

Don't give up. If this woman is as nutty as you say, you can't let those kids only have her as an influence. It will get hard. All you need to do is support DF and be the best SM as you can. All DF needs to do is make sure he follows the letter of the Orders so that BM has no ammo.

If it wouldn't be a hardship for you guys, I would run to the courthouse and get married ASAP. That way BM loses that control issue. You can always have a big ceremony later. (Thats what DH and I did and it was soooo fun).

Best wishes
Ref

PS you may want to break-up your posts into shorter paragraphs. It would be easier to read.

[autandwynnie]

That's the thing, he wasn't even notified of the hearing when it the order was done so he didn't agree to any of it.  It's also stated that DF is "not fit" to care for the children, yet doesn't mention why.

Apparently, the offer that she made for visitation is what is the "norm" for that area (SE North Carolina), but that's why we did up a different parenting plan, one more condusive to someone in the military.  But I will Google regardless.

Support was done then also & he pays that to CSE at the rate of $1180 a month.  She's not threatening to go back for more even though the court followed the guidelines & the worksheet was done up by her attorney.  

His divorce isn't final yet.  In NC you have to be seperated for a year & they were as of August, but BM went into the court in March got granted a divorce from bed & board with the date of seperation being November, even though she moved out of the marital home in August to Ohio.  DF argued the date, judge wouldn't hear it.  She moved back to NC in January when DF filed for divorce in OH & then she had it thrown out with arguments of residency even though he was entitled to file as OH is his permenant residence (more complicated military rules).  BM has just been served again with her dates, but DF was told that BM is going to delay it 60 days because she can.  That's what her attorney told his.  So were looking at February at best to get married.

The thing is, she knows what is in the order, but despite that, she allowed them & is allowing for Christmas , them to stay at our house, so wouldn't she look bad in court for not following the order herself?

As I side note, my ex is also military & still in NC.  I would never do this to him even though I do have sole physical & legal custody of the girls.  This was something that we agreed on because he deploys so much & it's nearly impossible at times to get in touch with him.  Makes me really glad to have had an amicable divorce.


ETA:  DF just called.  New court date is March 5 & he can make that one.  So, if all goes well, divorce will be final & we will be married before the court date.  Of course I told him that she won't find that out until we are in court.  There's at least a sliver of light.

[CGS]

Do you have tangible proof that she "knew" at the time of each visitation that you were cohabitating?

That is almost impossible to prove, so your argument isn't very strong.  She can simply say she didn't know, and that as soon as she found out she suspended overight visits.. it will be up to your DF to prove otherwise.

As for her bf staying overnight against the cohabitating clause.. again, do you have tangible 3rd party proof? The odds of a judge asking the kids is slim, so that's out. And your 'best friend living around the corner' could be seen as biased.  
 
Your DF needs to focus on obtaining tangible 3rd party proof or his arguments that "she knew" and "she does it too" won't hold much weight in court.

Good luck.

[autandwynnie]

She knew.  He used my home address, she & her friends had driven by the house countless times, the kids told her, I told her, she even called my ex-husband trying to start stuff since he was paying for my house.  So, there' s enough proof that she was completely aware of it.  

DF is considering a PI for the proof about her cohabiting.  Also, she did take her boyfriend home to OH with her in Sept where he slept in the same room as her, the boys & his son  All this admitted by her to DF's mom.  I can see how my best friend & even DF's mom would be considered biased, hence the possibility of the PI.

[Ref]

She knew she knew but how are you going to prove to a court that she knew. All she needs is to deny and you are back to square one. BM boldfaced lied in court. DH didn't even respond to it because it had very little relevance to the case. You really need to learn know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.... Sorry. I'm getting a little silly.

Honestly, many of us start out gung-ho like you. We yell about what the truth is and what is just and the best thing for the kids but what it comes down to is none of that matters. Everything you do needs to be looked at with a CYA mentality. Follow everything to the letter of the agreement and keep proof.

When I say proof, I mean certified letters, photo evidence, emails, letters from the STBX, non-biased witnesses (police or store clerk). Your sister, your mom, and especially your skids will NOT do.

Hiring a PI to prove that she violated the same thing that you are guilty of seems silly. I wouldn't even bother with that expense. I don't think a judge would do anymore than not allow overnights until you are married. Seeing as that you are expecting to do that soon, it really wont matter.

Until then, why don't you visit with your family on some of the nights so that DF can have them stay over? It is not fair, but you really need to play the game. This is only temporary and if you make it a treat for yourself and let the kids (i.e. BM) know it, it will take some wind out of her sails.

Also, hiding your marriage will not help matters. If you prove that you showed that you were married to BM, she will have no more excuse to deny overnights until the hearing. Have DH write her a certified letter stating that as of $$/$$/$$$$ you are legally married. Try to be nice about it. Even the kindest ex's have issues with remarriage.

Good luck
Ref

[gipsy]

I'm Going to Be Blunt ,  And according to WAshington state .
    Your Post Is a usuall And Ordinary Drama scene that Atty's love to use too suck the money right out of You
    Washington Is a no fault Divorce State , And This  Opposite Sex Sleep Overs would get laughed Out of court period , I Never heard Of it holding any water here ,
   Here's What You Need to consider :
      They are not divorced , So nothing Is final , Look At the Parenting Plan ,See if it  say's TEMPORARY PARENTING PLAN : Then Realise that You DONT Give Up now, Just go to court And get those things changed , YOU ARE GOING NUTS !
    I did Too , PLEAEAEAEASE  take a deep breath and read the Order And get Back Here an tell us If this is Just a Temporary Parenting plan , Or orderes etc ,
   If the Divorce Is not final Get it fixed at trial , Untill then Quit wasting Time and money on the Issue , I fired two atty's till i got one that explained the Temp order thing to Me then i went to trial And It was done And I got More time with My son , Then Just go by the order Period ,Untill It's final Quit freakin!!!

[autandwynnie]

It is a temp order that was set back in March.  The new court date is March 5, so it will all be done then.  The divorce will be final (finally) before then, so we should be married before the court date, then it all becomes a moot point.  Regardless, BM is allowing them to come here, 700 miles away to spend a week with us next week.  

[Ref]

You will find that things do USUALLY find a way of working out. When you begin having to deal with all of this crap, it is really easy to work yourself up by worrying about what might happen. Eventually you burn yourself out and you stop worrying as much.

It is good to anticipate what craziness you might be walking into and prepare for it, but don't let it worry you too much.Just CYA and be the best stepmom and wife that you can. That is really all we can do.

Happy Holidays!
Ref

[autandwynnie]

She finally picked up the certified letter yesterday confirming the visitation.  We're also doing the exchange in a public place & having the local police on the side to witness, just so she doesn't attempt the "kidnapping" angle & the fact that we expect her confrontational friend to be with her.  Same with the return.  At least we know that we'll be covered.  :)