Ahhh, the holiday's

[Sunshine1]

Ok, Ok, I gotta put my 2 cents in...

We never allow big items or expensive items to leave our house to go to BM's...simply because it is a free for all there and every kid in the neighborhood walks in and out of her house.

Perfect example this week.... Older SS got a Nintendo DS for his birthday earlier this month from BM.  Not cheap, but she let him bring it back...normally this is not something she allows.  I make a point of taking care of their items from there because I sure as heck don't want to replace it and or hear from her about how careless we are.

Younger SS got a drum set for his birthday ( did not come to our house which I am thankful)

They go back for their visit and in one weekend some kids she was babysitting for trashed the drum set and broke it and the DS came up missing and the game, along with their rooms totally overturned.

Prime example why I do not let anything of value go to their BM's house.  I can't even trust clothing, it either gets trashed or some kid she doesn't even know ends up with it.

So in certain circumstances I believe that the kids things should not travel back and forth....but if they bring things I don't say you can't play with it...geez, that is just mean, because seriously how many times are they going to get to play with it at the other house?

My ex did this to our son as well.  After not seeing his kids for 9 months there was this big reuniting Christmas with them and his new wife and children, so BF runs out and gets our oldest the thing he has been dying for all year, a bow and arrow.  His dream come true.  Well that was roughly like 2 1/2 years ago and he hasn't seen it since.  MEAN!  Why do people do that.  My feeling was that it wasn't that he didn't trust it to come to our house, it was his "lure" back to manipulate him into loving it there...needless to say it didn't work.

Kitty is right, it goes both ways, BF's do it too, and it only makes the kids hurt; somehow he thinks I am sad that he didn't get to bring his bow and arrow home.....huh?  whatever.  People play weird games.

[Mamacass]

We have a tough time with the back and forth of stuff.  When it comes to clothes, we will not send over anything we really like for SS.  this is because anything that is nice never comes back.  Or at least, not while he can wear it b/c he does come home in a lot of the clothes we bought him last year (all too small for him by now).  It was tough when we were NCP's and its even worse now that we're CP's.  I swear, we spend twice as much on clothes and shoes for my SS than we do for our children who live with us all the time, b/c we have to provide a wardrobe at the beginning of each season.  Then we have to replenish SS's stuff all throughout the season since he can't wear any of the stuff he wears home from BM's

As far as toys, I'm torn.  BM is mean enough to keep anything of value.  Once, we bought SS a movie, and he didn't have time to watch it, so we told BM she could "borrow" it at her house.  When we asked for it back, she told us that she thought we bought it for her to keep at her house.  WTF?  What it comes down to is that we can't afford to buy two houses worth of toys and clothes.    

Also, BM bought SS a gameboy last year.  A few times, she allowed SS to bring it over, but it started more arguments than it was worth.  When his younger brother would ask to play it, SS would throw a fit.  I didn't feel comfortable making SS share it, b/c it was his from his mom.  However, when he would throw a fit and get really mean about it, I would put it up.  
Then, BM sent it with SS when he stayed with us over the summer b/c he was allowed to bring it to daycare.  One of the rules at daycare is that they were not allowed to share gameboys or games- AT ALL.  This was a rule we went over very well with SS but twice I caught him trading games.  Then there was the day he wet his pants at daycare, because he didn't want to pause the game to go pee.  
So what it came down to, was that he was told not to bring his gameboy.  SS was told that since he couldn't follow the rules or be responsible with it at daycare, and he couldn't be nice and share at home, it was not welcome at our house.  It came back once more after that rule was made, and I put it up as soon as he walked in the door.  

So we don't really do the back and forth stuff too much.  It just doesn't work for us.  

[gemini3]

123

[wysiwyg]

I got a good one on this, although I have plenty of stories on clothing and toys, (court stories) we got a letter from BM x mas day, she wants us to turn over all money from now on that the child gets for gifts from BF family to HER!  Why?  The child id 15 and going to take Dr ed, so she wants money for the course, her insurnace and a car for childs use.  I dont believe it is our responsibility to pay her car insurance nor agree to a car for this child, and belive that this is coveed under CS.  There is no court order otherwise and BM has sole legal and physical cusotdy.  

[gemini3]

123

[lucky]

My point of view:

First:  ANY monetary gifts given to the child(ren) by either family belong to the CHILD and the spending of said monetary gifts is at the discretion of the child with the supervision by the parent (i.e. not allowing a 13 year old to buy rated R movies or rated "M" music/games, etc).

Second:  Learning to drive is NOT a necessity.  It is a privilege that is earned.  In our home, part of earning that privilege includes coming up with the money required, but the child gets to choose whether or not to pay for it.  If they don't pay for it, it doesn't happen.  My ex and I disagree on this so I told him if he didn't like our rules (I was CP) he could pay for it -- he chose not to.  However, he would have blown a gasket had I demanded the money his family gave to dd as gifts to pay for it, and rightly so.

Quite frankly, if I give a child a monetary gift, it is my expectation that the child will decide what to spend it on, not the child's parents (within reason of course).  If that EVER happened, the child would NEVER receive a monetary gift from me again as I don't give gifts to people so that other people can decide what to do with them.

JMHO

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[wysiwyg]

"She's not asking YOU to pay for the car or the insurance, she's saying that she wants to use whatever monetary gifts that are given to the child for it."


I apologize for not adding this in when "venting" - yes she is also asking us to pay for the insurance and a car and the course for the child.  Yet in her letter she never once said she would assist in teaching the child to drive.  

[MixedBag]

Did you REALLY say this?

"If she has sole legal custody of a minor child, she has control over monetary gifts that child is given. I don't see what's wrong with her request. "

So if the NCP wants to buy the child something, the NCP should turn over the money and ask the CP to buy it.

Sorry, I see way too many problems with this philosophy and how it can totally go overboard in the long run.  Just where does it stop?

It stops with decisions that are made in the NCP's home.

Sole custody (IMHO) doesn't give the CP the right to overstep boundaries.

My EX has the right, for example, to make the final decision with regards to our son in all areas except transportation arrangements.  We have joint, but there's an extra sentence in the decree that goes one step further.

BUT I don't think a judge would agree with him if he started to tell me how to parent our son in my home.  (BTW -- EX is printing this post off as you read this -- if he hasn't already printed it off before you read this.)

gotta run to the airport right now, but this deserved a response because I think (respecttfully disagreeing) your line of thinking is out there.

 

[Mamacass]

So SS came back today after spending a week with his mom.  And as I said in my last post  we have a problem with clothing.  A few weeks ago, we let SS wear a jersey to school on a day his mom was picking him up for dinner.  Not a big deal since he would only be over there for a few hours, but for some reason SS wore a different shirt home.  This is the 3rd time he has gone over there after school and worn home some junky clothes.  She's been known to change him into his junky "extra clothes" that he keeps in his backpack for "just in case" and keep what he wore to school.  She also has sent him home in a sweatshirt b/c he got too hot in the short sleeve shirt he wore to school.  I have a hard time not rolling my eyes at the excuses she tells him to give us.    

Anyhow he comes home today in a pair of pants that are literally falling off of him, a long sleeve shirt and no undershirt or coat.  I don't know if BM noticed, but it is the middle of winter.  Also, no jersey, even though we asked that he wear that home.  SS tells us that they couldn't find the jersey.  I'm sure in another year or so (when its too small) the jersey will resurface and he'll wear it  home.  The pants at least are his size (for the first time in months), but we have sent 3 belts over in the last year, so its not like she couldn't send him back with a belt.  

[MYSONSDAD]

I agree, think it is negativity reflected on the child. Doesn't matter what parents are doing it, the children feel the results.

When a child receives a gift, it should be THEIR gift. If our son wants to take it with him, I remind him of all the fun we had playing with it while he is with me and that when he comes back, bring it with so we can play again. Now that he is older, he understands what games BM is pulling.  Ex refuses to allow him to take things with him. I think it is his and he should have the choice.

I think he is also getting to the age of being shown responsibility on bringing things back when he comes  to my home. Of course, this depends on how ex handles things. Since our trial is now over, things have gotten somewhat better. But she still does some stuff that I feel is very wrong and sending the wrong messages.

I let our son know, it is not mine, it is not mommys, it is yours. How can a child learn self worth/respect if everything he has needs to stay at either mom or dads?

We have had some rough moments over how he is clothed. Mid winter, 10 degrees, she sends him in no coat, no hat, no gloves and sometimes no shoes. Have had to convince him it was okay to wear things from daddys house, get told 'mommy won't let me wear it to her house'. She has even stripped him outside the door and left the clothes behind. THIS IS ABUSE. I dress him for comfort, using clothes he is about to out grow, things seldom worn or just keep some extras from K-Mart or Walmart. Don't get it back, it's no biggy.

This is just senseless hate aimed at getting to me and using our son as a pawn. He is the victim of this abuse.

Children need to learn responsibility for their own belongings, monetary gifts. Things won't always be handed to them, they need to be taught anything worth having is earned and should be taken care of.

 
"Children learn what they live"