Ahhh, the holiday's

[gemini3]

123

[MixedBag]

and no I didn't attack you, I discussed back.

Attacking is when you call the other person names and start cussing at them.

If you take a look at my original response to this thread it was to point out that Moms and Dads can both be guilty of this -- not just BMs.

That was my main purpose of responding.

And yes, I struggle with the right answer too because yes, it belongs to the children.  And when the stuff is always on a one way trip to the other house, it doesn't seem totally right so as a parent, you gotta find the right balance.

[gemini3]

123

[Mamacass]

I agree with your last paragraph.  For us, we can afford to replace all the lost clothes, however, we wouln't be able to afford all the "lost" toys.  Since we have SS 90% of the time, it would be a shame for him to miss out on the stuff that his mom would keep and he would barely see.  
Also, we have to factor in that there are a lot of toys that belong to both SS and my son.  It's not fair if he brings something of theirs to his mom's and it never returns.  Until he is responsible to take care of his stuff, I can't support him taking toys out of the house to a place that I miyself can't keep track of.  So that means, no toys to school, daycare, or BM's.  
Right now, I'm working with SS on what clothes are appropriate to wear.  His mom wants to be a brat about it, b/c she knows we won't allow SS to wear clothes that are too small or are full of holes.  We've even offered to buy clothes for her house, and sent several bags of clothes over there, but still she sends him back wearing junk.  So I'm trying to teach him to stand up for himself and pride in how he looks.  Maybe if he starts telling BM to stop dressing him like an orphn she'll realize that her games are stupid.  She may win the battle with us, but she'll lose the war in the long run, b/c SS will see her actions and realize what she really is.  
Until BM can act like an adult we have to protect SS as much as we can and that includes his belongings.  

[MixedBag]

although it won't happen in my family, it did happen on occasion when the family was bigger (but thanks to pending Divorce #3, family shrunk)

Anyways, your good point is that sometimes gifts are "joint" gifts that are meant to be enjoyed by a step-child and a bio-child jointly.

THEN what do you do?

I know, cut it in half with a chain saw....or count out the legos and send half the box with each child.

Just kidding, but that's a good point.

[mistoffolees]

There are always exceptions. I wouldn't let a very expensive toy go to stbx's and if a toy was jointly owned by both kids, I would make sure that both agree before it leaves the house.

But I still stick by the general principle - that as much as possible, the toys, etc belong to the kid and they can take them where they want and as they please.

If there are problems such as clothes always disappearing, I'd have the discussion with the other parent, and if necessary, don't send nice clothes over, but please leave the kid out of it. As for things from the other house coming over to my house, unless it's hazardous or just plain not acceptable, I would refrain from saying 'no'.

[Mamacass]

So I re-read my post, and it kind of came out wrong.  What I'm teaching SS is that if clothes are too small to speak up and say so.  I don't want him to wear clothes that are 2 sizes to small when I know that he has clothes to fit him.  I'm also teaching him that while it is ok to have play clothes that have holes in them, it is not ok to wear these junky clothes to school or church.  And I'm teaching him that during the winter he needs to wear an undershirt, a long sleeve shirt/sweater and a coat when he leaves the house.  

The way I figure, someone needs to teach him how to dress appropriately.  I only hope that in turn he can speak up for himself and his mom will realize that she is only hurting him by the way she is dressing him.  And hopefully, when he is at her house he will remember what I've taught him and ask for a coat before going outside, b/c she won't tell him to put one on.

The problem is not that he doesn't have clothes that fit him .  The problem is his mom won't put him in appropriate clothes.  I have thought about sending him back in whatever he wore to our house, thinking that then she might might stop dressing him in junk.  However that doesn't teach SS the proper way to dress, and it isn't fair to him.  

[mistoffolees]

Sounds like a good approach.

I hope that he can speak up to the mother. Sometimes that's hard for a kid to do.

[Kitty C.]

....most of these BM's are so stupid, they don't even realize the ONLY person that looks 'stupid' is them!  Back in the beginning, BM used to do that with SS, sending him in rags to make DH look bad.  Unfortunately for her, this is a very small community and everyone knew that 'she' was the one behind it, without us even saying anything.  Now that she's in her second divorce, she's finally wised up and SS's halfbrother is properly clothed for any kind of weather when he goes to his dad's.

[wysiwyg]

Yea we get alot of clothes issues too.  Like when SS was to participate in a wedding on our summer vacation, BM stated in a letter that the child only owns a pair of brown shoes and nothing else so if we wanted him in formal attire we could buy it, and she only allows thie child to bring over 1 change of clothes for a weekend stating that on Saturday we can wash Fridays clothes and on Sunday we can wash Saturday's clothes, and most recently gave the child only 2 changes for a week.  As he says he is allowed to take more clothes to visit friends for a weekened than he is to come to our home.  Since he is 15 I showed him how to use the washer and let him have a go at it.  I figure he is old enough to leanr to wash clothes and when he gets tired of washing then he will stick up for himself and bring over more clothes.  I figure she gets cs and should be clothing the child, mind you he has a few things at our place he can wear and knows himself if he wants them to wear then he laves them there, we have not said anything to him, we let him come to his own conclusions.  THe next big issue is a formal winter dance at school next month that he needs a suit for, I am prepared for hiom to come out the door without it and a note delivered from hoim mother thru him that we will need to go and buy him a suit for the dance that night. Not sure how to handle that when the time comes..........any thoughts?