Longer summer visits

[pw7285]

I have been separated for about 3 years now and aside from the first year my relationship with my ex has been OK.  Our daughter is now 7 and lives in Iowa with mom.  I live in Az and see my daughter every 8 - 10 weeks religiously, always have.  We talk almost everyday and have a great relationship.  In our original plan we agreed on a schedule that for the most part has been followed.  Mom is in school and has not worked (at a place of business) for 7 years.  I make a healthy CS payment every month, pay for all of my travel, hotel, rental car and for daughters as well, I refuse to let her fly alone.  Our daughter is ill a bit more often than other kids due to what is believed to be an immune deficiency.  She has never been officially diagnosed but her Allergy/Immunologist thinks she may have a slight case of an IgA deficiency.  She gets sick several times a year but less in the summer months.  At times after my visits she gets sick and of course the ex blames me and becomes very hateful because now she has to take care of her.  Anyway, that is a different story.

I want to revise my visitation schedule with her to have my daughter longer in the summer.  Daughter wants to be with me longer but mom feels it is "too stressful" for our daugher and "takes her out of her routine".  Because of this I am limited to 14 days at the start of summer in Az and ~12 days at the end but mom prefers it to be in Iowa.  In the original decree is clearly states that I would have her with me for all but 2 visits a year in Az.  I would much rather work this out with the ex outside of court but I don't think it will be possible.

Question - Is revising a visitaion schedule an esay process through the courts or is it pretty involved with hearings, lawyers etc...?

Thanks

[mistoffolees]

The overriding principle is what's best for the child(ren). You would need to make a case that it's better for the daughter; whether it's better for you is irrelevant. On what grounds would you argue that it's better for your daughter?

The second issue is that the courts are generally going to want to see a significant change in circumstances before they'll revise the decree. I don't see anything that sounds like a change of circumstances.

Even if you can show a change of circumstances, and believe you can show that it's better for your daughter if you have more visitation, if your ex chooses to challenge it, it's going to be  messy and involve courts and lawyers.

Best bet is to try to work it out.

[pw7285]

Thank you for your reply.

My motivation is simply that now that she is older, I have read that after 6 years old long distance visitations can be extended to 30 days in the summer.  I get that I guess, give or take a few days, but I want to try and get it either consecutively or all with me in Az.  We have joint legal custody with mom of course have physical but I dont't feel that the ex should dictate where I spend my time during my visitation.

Thanks again.

[mistoffolees]

I'm not saying that it's impossible, but if she really makes an issue of it, it's not going to be a slam-dunk, either.

Typically, I don't think the courts consider the children's aging as a change in circumstance - since that's expected to happen in every case.

My preference would be for custody agreements to have timing triggers in them. For example, visitation might be EOW and one evening until age 6, then three weekends a month and two evenings until age 12, then ........ In that scenario, the summer vacation might start with several 2 week periods when the child is young, growing to perhaps all summer by the time they're older. Of course, by the time they're teenagers, summer jobs enter into the equation, too.

That doesn't help you, of course. You're stuck with the agreement you have. If it looks like you can get agreement, you'll still need to get the court to approve anything you and your ex agree to, but that's pretty much automatic. If your ex doesn't agree to a change, you'll probably need to consult a lawyer to see what your odds of success are before moving forward.

[Kitty C.]

'In the original decree is clearly states that I would have her with me for all but 2 visits a year in Az.'

If that's the case, then take her to AZ for your visitations in the summer.  There's not a thing that your ex can do about it and if she does have a problem with it, she will have to take it up with the court to try to get it changed.  

I'm in IA also.......just out of curiosity, what part of the state is she in?  And you didn't mention which state has jurisdiction, either.  Contact an atty. in the state that has jurisdiciton and make sure you're reading the CO right, in that you have the right to take her to AZ.  As for extending the summer visitation, I agree with the other poster........you would probably need a change of circumstance to warrant the increase.....extremely hard to do with issues like this.  In our CO, we graduated the time that DS went to see his dad in CA, till it was one week after school was out to one week before school started, something that has become more of a standard in LD arrangements.

[pw7285]

Thanks for the reply.

They live in Davenport and Az is the state with jurisdiction.  So am I to believe that when the original CO was written for visitation that this is how it is going to be forever?  Our schedule is clear, I wrote it up in Excel, we all signed it and the lawyers put it in our decree.  It also says, " Father would like to see daughter on additional days with the approval of mother in the event the opportunity arises".  For the most part this has been the case.  The problem is that when I say that I can take to to Az as per the schedule she will revert back to this statement and I will then get less time with my daughter.  She can be very vindictive and spiteful if she feels she isn't in control.

Our daughter has expressed MANY times that she can't wait until she is older so she can live with me.  That makes me feel great but also concerns me.  I know she loves me and misses me but is there something else?

Thanks again.

[mistoffolees]

>Thanks for the reply.
>
>They live in Davenport and Az is the state with jurisdiction.
>So am I to believe that when the original CO was written for
>visitation that this is how it is going to be forever?  Our
>schedule is clear, I wrote it up in Excel, we all signed it
>and the lawyers put it in our decree.  It also says, " Father
>would like to see daughter on additional days with the
>approval of mother in the event the opportunity arises".  For
>the most part this has been the case.  The problem is that
>when I say that I can take to to Az as per the schedule she
>will revert back to this statement and I will then get less
>time with my daughter.  She can be very vindictive and
>spiteful if she feels she isn't in control.
>
>Our daughter has expressed MANY times that she can't wait
>until she is older so she can live with me.  That makes me
>feel great but also concerns me.  I know she loves me and
>misses me but is there something else?
>
>Thanks again.


The document the court signed is the relevant document. Anything you agree to outside of that doesn't count. If the document says that you can go wherever you want for visitation, you can. If it restricts you, you're restricted. It's that simple.

As for the 'approval of the mother' clause, that's worthless. If you can get extra days, be happy for them, but there's no way to force her to approve - which is why clauses like that are useless. If she wants to refuse to allow extra time when you exercise your rights under the agreement, there's nothing to stop her.

Could you go to court and win more visitation? Possibly, but you're going to have a very hard time convincing the judge that there has been a change of circumstances sufficient to justify the change. I'm sure not convinced.

All you really can do is make the best of the time you have and try to be nice to your ex to try to get her to be flexible on allowing more than the required amount of time.

[pw7285]

When will good fathers have rights?

It is so frustrating that no matter what we do we always get the short end of the stick.  So basically, keep kissing her a** if you want to see your daughter more cause she is in control.  Nevermind that she doesn't have to pay a dime for anything.  She doesn't work, I pay more in CS than probably most fathers do in the the entire state of IA, I am more involved with her from 1500 miles away than most are in the same state, I help the ex with bills at times, give her $ every year during taxes because she can't claim our daughter but I want a few extra days and I have to jump through hoops to prove to a judge that my daughter and I want to spend more time together during our visits?

Our court system really s****.

[mistoffolees]

It's not about rights. It's about the agreement you signed.

In my part of the world, when you sign an agreement, you're expected to abide by it. If you're asking for more than the agreement says you're entitled to, it's called a 'favor' and the other party has no obligation to grant it.

If you didn't understand what you were signing, take it up with your lawyer.

[HelpingHands]

What about using up your TWO in state visitations PRIOR to Summer visitation time, that way she can not say : you must keep her here, when in fact, you've already fullfilled your 'required two in state visits' with her? Document that you have already fulfilled those visitations. When she denies your right to take your daughter for the summer, you contempt her.

Why continue to support the mother financially, any more than you have to? Quit being mr nice guy and getting screwed over because she thinks(and has been successful) at playing you hard.

Usual long distance summer visitation is 6wks in summer, either straight or split in two segments. If you bring the contempt in front of a judge, file a show cause for change in circumstance(her failure to adhere to court ordered visitations) and ask that you be granted additional summer visitation, weekend visitation- provided you give mom 7 days notice(in writing) and whatever else you are looking for. After all, more time with BOTH parents is in the best interests of the child, unless there is clear and convincing evidence that it's not.

Remember, the court doesn't know there is a problem unless you bring it to their attention.