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When NCP can't be there for parenting time...

Started by Crockpot, Oct 03, 2007, 06:01:39 PM

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This is for now a hypothetical situation, but I'd like to get opinions on it.  I've heard the argument from CP that if the NCP can't be with the children during NCP parenting time that the children should just stay with CP.  

DH is NCP and shares legal custody.  In his opinion even if he's not going to be home he'd rather have his girls spend time with me (SM) at our house than to be with CP.  He does not believe she's a good influence on them and wants them at our house as much as possible, even if he can't be there.  Since they share legal custody, doesn't he get to make this decision?  


I guess that is the question. I guess the answer is that if it isn't in part of the agreement the NCP can do whatever he wants during his time.

Morally, I would say it depends on the situation. IS NCP gone for days or is he at work and you stay home during the day and care for the kids? IF DH was not around for days, I would say the kids should probably stay with the BM. If it is part of the day, he should be able to make the decision.

What do you mean "bad influence"? IS BM feeding the kids sugar cereal for breakfast instead of cherios or is BM feeding them booze instead of juice? If it is the former, then I would say that for long times away, he should let the kids stay with BM. If it was the later, I think you should keep them and got to CPS.

My 2 cents


When Dad works a shutdown, he works some 14 hour days..and yet, the kids still come over. Now, I don't really mind, as our sons are very good friends. But part of me thinks that maybe he should trade weekends with BM, so he can have the time he deserves with them..or perhaps tell his work he simply cannot work when he has his boys...(not like he gets the money anyway. She gets 30% of his gross OT, about 40% goes to taxes, so why bother for 30 cents on the dollar???)

He claims he has no choice and while I feel he does, he choses not to ask.  Not my battle...

Anyway, I told him if he was going to continue to work the shutdowns, he should reschedule his visits with his sons.  It's a lot of work on me to keep two 12 year olds and a ten year old...along with their friends!


I have watched SD when he had to work the day shift then he would come home and we would have family time. Kids want to be playing anyway with their sisters or friends on their block.

If it is just a day shift then I would just keep it as it is unless she brings it to court. If it is going to be an every week thing then maybe change the visitation to a better alternative.


This hypothetical became reality sooner than I thought it would.  DH is trying to get BM to agree to let girls spend mid-week visit overnight at our house.  Oldest SD (8) has been asking to spend more with us.  BM agreed to try it – mostly because it meant she didn't have to get out of bed.  

DH works a 9-5 job, but has to go into work before the girls start school.  So I dropped them off at school.  My job is more flexible and it's on my way.  BM found out and told DH that unless he drives girls to school they can't spend the night (she really doesn't like me at all).  Mid week overnights are not CO so we can't force it, but it was obvious the girls liked the extra time.  I agree if DH is gone for days they should stay with BM.  Although, honestly I think they'd prefer to stay with me.    

My comment about BM being a bad influence is all our opinion and not enough for CPS, at least not yet.  She smokes in their small apartment, youngest has asthma.  She has male overnight guests, her house is filthy, she feeds them crap to eat, etc.  We live in the upper mid-west and she's sent them to school without hats or gloves (temp outside was below zero).  Not child abuse but not good parenting in our opinion.  She also been known to get high while the girls are there, but we have no proof.  So, DH prefers them at our house.  He's with them when they are here, but can't get them to school in the AM.

We're hoping she'll get over the drive to school.    


There's probably nothing you can do. Either you agree to her terms or don't get the extra time.

The only way to change it is:
1. If you can show that she's creating a harmful situation. If there was evidence of drug use, you could ask the court to order a drug test, but by the time they got around to it, she'd probably be clean -- and you'd never get any favors later.
2.  If you can demonstrate to the court that there has been a significant change in circumstances sufficient to change visitation. I didn't see anything in your message that indicated that.
3. When the girls are older (MUCH older), if they still want to spend more time at your house, you can petition the court.

Until then, your only option is to convince BM to let DH have the extra time - either because it's in her best interest or because you can offer her something in return to 'bribe' her to go along.


How long have the mid-week vistitations been going on already?

If I were you this is how I would proceed. If the visitations have been going on mid-week for 6 months or so, I would talk to a lawyer about getting it put in your agreement. She has already agreed to it long enough at that point to establish a status quo.

If they haven't been going on for a long period of time, I say have DH tell her (don't put it in writing) that he will be the one to drop the kids off to buy some time. Then after a couple of months, you can slip back in there and drop them off OR have a car pool for a while with other kid's parents and then it will mix things up enough to buy even more time. After a while you can ask for the change as I stated above.

Just an idea. Good luck. BMs can be so possessive of the love of their kids...



Thanks for the suggestions.  The mid week visits have only been going on a few weeks.  We were doing it off and on in the summer too though.  BM has told DH she's not going to let the girls spend too much time with us, because she knows we can use it to try and get custody.  But she seems more open to it lately as long as I'm not too involved.  So, I'll stay in the background for a while and if we're still doing it in six months we'll approach DH's attorney.

Ref, I like the way you put it, "BM's can be so possessive of the love of their kids."  You've hit it exactly in this case.