Overnight visits with 2 year old?

[FirstTimeMomCA]

My baby is going to be 2 years old next month. My ex and I were never married, and we went to court to establish visitation when the baby was 6 months old (he did not see the child before this time). Ex lives out of state and we agreed to visits of a few hours daily (supervised by me until baby was 1 year old) while he is here. He has been exercising his visitation every 6 weeks or so, sometimes for the 3 hours daily, sometimes for only 45 minutes. (Most of the time he is with me, in my home, as he has not taken the baby anywhere or cared for the baby by himself). However, at the end of our order, it also reads that "overnights can begin at age 2". (It has no other details about how, when, where, etc.) Before any overnights take place, I would like to start a gradual visitation schedule that slowly increases his time from a few hours a day to a full day visit with no overnight visits until later.

Can I go back to court and modify a stipulated order requesting this or will we have to go through mediation? How do I do this?

(And please, I really want our child to comfortable with my ex. This is not about me not recognizing my ex as our child's father or me trying to keep him from our child.)

Thanks.

[junglechicken]

Has he been making comments like "Pretty soon (child) can stay with me overnight" or to that effect?

Have you proposed your idea to him?

[FirstTimeMomCA]

>Has he been making comments like "Pretty soon (child) can
>stay with me overnight" or to that effect?
>
>Have you proposed your idea to him?


Yes, he has been, and him staying with friends or shady motels to save money is not my idea of a safe place for our 2 year old.

I haven't proposed the idea of waiting yet because anything I propose he shoots down simply because I propose it. It doesn't matter if it's the right thing to do for our child; it has been that way since the beginning. It's all about "winning" and him being "right" and me being "wrong." It's frustrating, but I am trying my best for our child's sake.

[BecauseIJustDid]

You need to go to court and file a declaration stating what you know. You need to file a request to modify the orders. Maybe you can enforce visits be at a nuetral location. A grandparents home avail?

[Gestalt]

I think the gradual schedule is very reasonable, and in dad's defense, just because you have been providing all of the child's day to day care does not mean he is incapable of doing the same. Every parent is a first time parent at some point....I came home one day and dd was wearing a diaper backwards.....dad didn't quite know how to put it on LOL....they figure it out, and maybe as part of the gradual schedule you can help him (nicely)with anything he is a little unsure of......

[BecauseIJustDid]

According to the co-parenting class I voluntarily sat in on the other day, overnights are viewed as the sooner the better now in our CA court systems. They would enforce a step-up plan I think. It's best to start off slow.

Also, the judge might snap at you if you continue to refer to the DLO as "baby" he's 2 now. Yes, he's YOUR little baby, but court won't care either way. I have seen plenty of parent's make the foolish mistake of trying to make their child younger by quoting their age in months or even weeks after the age of 2. But, 2 is 2. The court see's this as the perfect time for overnights to begin.

Most NCP's try to see their children for a considerable amount of time BEFORE they resort to going to court. I hope that's not the case, but if it is, I could understand the frustration on both parts.

You can request for a modification of the visitation schedule by filing for an Order to Show cause. The local family law court should have a family law assistance center you can access, most of us aren't rich so fee waivers cover the cost of this wonderfully priceless help.

The judge MIGHT not approve of a step-up plan without you being able to prove the child would be harmed by being with the father. Most courts honestly do not care if the NCP has ALREADY been in contact with the child in visitation.

[gemini3]

Yes, he has been, and him staying with friends or shady motels to save money is not my idea of a safe place for our 2 year old.

Just a thought - traveling out of state on a consistent basis can be pretty costly.  Why would your ex bother spending a bunch of money on a super-nice hotel that you would deem "appropriate" if he isn't able to see his child anywhere but at your house under your supervision? 

I can see why your ex might be frustrated - how would you feel if the tables were turned?  The only way he can spend time with his own child is to be supervised by his ex.  I can see why he might interpret it as you trying to keep him from the child.  Haven't you ever left him alone with the child in a year and a half?  It seems that would be something you would want to do so that he can relax and enjoy his time with his child without you hovering over him.

Do you work?  If so, you leave your child alone with daycare workers, but you won't leave him alone with his father?

I'm not trying to attack you - it just seems a little funny that you would have never left him alone with the child all this time.

[[email protected]]

I completely understand how you feel.  My ex had supervised visitation with me in the home and anytime he was with our daughter, he would show no caring for the child.  Would not change diapers, feed her, etc.  Said those things spoil a child.  I was and still am a stay at home mom, but there is a difference in situation there.  If you leave your child at day care, you are paying someone with clean backgrounds and who has been trained and told by you how to care for children.  The daycare workers are supposed to listen to your instructions and abide by them.  In this situation, there is no guarantee on any of these situations.  You people need to sit up and remember how you felt about your children when they were young and could not communicate fully to you.  People here are looking for a shoulder not someone telling them off. 
Sorry, but with my daughters father, the courts did not care about him not changing her, or any of that.  He was the father and got visitation immediately.

[ocean]

A father should have the same access to his child as the mother "immediately" . Why should the father have to prove anything when you as the mother just get child automatically without any court questions? A child is from BOTH parents and the courts are starting to come around to allow fathers the right to be in their child's life. The fact that the parents are not living together should not matter. Married couples have issues with how the other cares for their infants.

You may not like how he parents but I'm sure he has issues with you too. As long as the child is getting changed and fed, parenting styles do not matter in the courts and shouldn't.

[[email protected]]

The difference is if you were together there would be agreements made.  In situations where parents are not together too many times the NCP does not believe anything the CP says and has to prove them wrong.  Why is that???  Fathers do need time with their children, but when the father won't spend the time with the child to get the child to know them and automatically want to seperate them from all they have ever known is wrong.  We need to stop looking at the best interest of the NCP and look at the best interest of the child.  The children have become lost in all of this mess and in 20 years we will look back and say "we should have done things differently".  We need to look at the children and their age and what psychiatrists are saying today.  We need to give these children time to adjust to a situation in which they did not choose to be in.  We as parents need to try to do everything for our children and not for ourselves. 
Too many people on this website are too caught up in their hatred and not interested in the children.  That is where we need to go back to, the children.