BM wont talk to me?

[IPutMyGirlsFirst]

I'm a step mom to a 2 1/2 year old girl. Her mother refuses to talk to me or my husband. She hides behind her mother (literally) and lets her mother talk to us.

I think that she needs to be responsible and mature enough to do things on her own. By not doing so she's just hurting my SD.

Input?

[Peanutsdad]

First off, its dads place to be doing the communicating with his childs mother.

Any other input is really limited without further information. For all I know, the situation is volatile and emotionally charged and bm is keeping things calmed down by having her mother run interference, which IS better for the child. At least then , she not getting exposed to all the turmoil.

I dont know thats the situation, indeed, I'm not even suggesting it is, I'm merely pointing out how open your post is to interpretation. If you really want better advise,, give more info,, other posters and myslef will be better able to help :)

[joni]

As much as you may love your SD and your DH, you really have to take a back seat here...and I don't mean be a back seat driver.

It's difficult to do, I KNOW, when you care about your SD and of course, love your husband to not want to throw yourself in the middle of this.  But remember this, she isn't your child.  Everything should be between this child's mother and father.

I think the prior post hit on a good point, it's an emotionally charged situation and grandma might be trying to keep it from getting out of control.

Perhaps if you fade into the background, grandma might back off too.  And you'll get your time with the child at your own home and nuture her and love her and keep her safe.

Remember, your DH and his Ex have history here and part of that history has to go through re-learning how to interact with each other for the best interest of their child and to try to avoid reverting back to old ways that caused them to break up in the first place.  

It's going to take a long time for both parties to learn how to reprogram their thinking in regards to one another.

[sweetnsad]

Maybe the grandmother IS trying to calm the waters, but maybe not...BM might have a major jealousy issue going on as well...we don't know the situation and it's probably best to wait and see if she will elaborate on the poster further before we start making assumptions.  

Also, and this is JMO...but, if she is a step mother and the father is unavailable to communicate with BM for ANY reason, there shouldn't be an issue with dealing with her one-on-one....while I agree that it's more appropriate to have the father deal with BM, sometimes the situation doesn't always work out that way....and in the best interests of the child/children, all should learn to get along...and that means communicating effectively.

Just my two cents though...no one has to agree.

[Peanutsdad]

No arguement there sweets,, but sometimes it aint gonna be like that. I wish it was for us,, but bm froths like a rabid dog at the mere thought of sm.

In those cases,, best to leave the issues to dad&mom.

Besides,, I wasnt assuming anything in the post,, I simply offered a view that it was way too open to interpretation as it is.

[sweetnsad]

I realize that PD...I just wish that it could be easier...it makes it a heck of alot better for the kids if everyone gets along...especially if everyone has the childrens' best interests at heart...

[Peanutsdad]

Too true sweet,, and far too often,, it isnt like that. You,, are a good hearted person, and as such,, I bet you cant stand the conflict,, neither can I,, but its there.

[IPutMyGirlsFirst]

DH talks to BGma because BM is to irrisponsible to do so.

BM basically doesn't even acknowledge that I exist unless to say "she shouldnt be doing ___ with MY daughter." So I only exist if she wants to ride DH, through her mother, about his parenting, or mine.

The only time she pays attention to SD, is if someone's around, for the attention. All the other times her mom steps in as SD's "mommy."

My feeling is: YES there once was a relationship (if that's what you'd like to refer to it as), but that's OVER now.

DH and myself only want to communicate, for SD's best interest, to BM about SD.

BM doesn't do anything on her own. EVER. Her mother's there 99% of the time with SD, infact SD called her Gma "mommy," until she was over 2, and still may. The only time BM doesn't have her mom around, is when she's on the toilet. SERIOUSLY.

All I want is, RESPONSIBILITY, and MATURITY! Is that too much to ask? For the sake of her own daughter?

*sigh*

[Peanutsdad]

Look at it this way,,

You cannot control someone elses life,, count your blessings that there IS a responsible adult to provide care when BM has sd.

YOUR wants dont factor in even a teensy bit. Some people will never be responsible nor mature and all the harpy nagging wont change em.

Or,, you COULD talk DH into mounting a modification case,, whereupon, you'll have to prove where sd is living and with whom, is actually unhealthy for her. Is she neglected? or abused? in a way that can be proven in court?

If not, my best suggestion is let it go.  Focus your energy on your own home and make the best life you , your DH and your sd can.