What do we do???

[DMcD]

OSS ran. We reported him missing but the police can't do anything to him because they say it's not a crime to run away. He needs a big dose of reality - fast. He thinks he's all grown up. I know I did, too, when I was 14, but at least I tried to show my parents some respect. I don't even want to think about what he'll be like at 16 and 17. OMG. If he keeps down this path, he'll be lucky to get shipped off to the military academy. I will definitely look into it, though. DH is in the Nat'l Guard here in CA, so he should be able to find out the details with no problem. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll get DH started on it in the morning. Hopefully we can find him and get him there before he does something that IS illegal and he gets locked up. This has not been a good week at all.

SD was admitted to the Mental Hospital this afternoon with severe depression and (I suspect) suicidal thoughts. She is so over protective with her little brother (OSS) that I think seeing him cracked down on, no matter how appropriate, put her in to mega-hyper-stress mode. DH is in tears and thinks he's just about the worst father in the world. I try to tell him that SD needed help 6 years ago when the court told BM to get SD counseling. I told DH that BM has been far to lienient on OSS and he followed her lead, so yes, he is part of the problem but he has also been trying to be part of the solution. The kids came to us with MAJOR issues. Any emotionally healthy kids wouldn't have gotten this bad in six months. He doesn't want to hear it. He just thinks he's a bad father.

Please pray for us. We need all the help we can get. The kids need all the help they can get.

[sweetnsad]

D, I am sooo sorry for all that has been happening to you and your family....you are in a situation that I can see us being in, in just a few years....My SO's kids are going to be a real handful and they are only 7, 6 and 4!  The four year old has already been kicked out of her daycare for kicking and biting the teacher and grabbing her by the breast!  Can you imagine??  There is no doubt in my mind that PBFH will send them to us once they become too much for her....

My prayers and thoughts are with you....keep the faith...don't give up...they need you.
:-)

[Kitty C.]

D, I'll be praying for your family!  I'm so afraid that something like this will eventually happen with SS, too.  Mind you, we live in a very small town (2400+) and in an Amish community (horse and buggies).  And SS is 10 years old and in 4th grade.  But he told us over the weekend that PBFH said he CANNOT walk to school until he's in 6th grade!  In this town it's PERFECTLY safe for Kindergarteners to walk to school and they do.    So it makes SS feel like a baby with such restrictions.  It's only 6 blocks and there's a crossing guard at the ONE stoplight in town.  But you know what she's afraid of???  Snipers!  Quote SS!  Her warped mind thinks that Columbine WILL happen here if she allows him to walk.  She's also afraid that we would try to pick him up, but DH and I are both out of town at that time.  How could we??

He's even begging to ride his bike to his TKD class (3 blocks) and she refuses!  This kid is already chopping at the bit, sees how ridiculous his mother is acting, and is getting madder by the month about it.  I told DH a long time ago that we'd eventually have custody of SS, but ONLY after it got to the point that she can't handle him anymore.  Looks like she's doing a damn good job......

When that kid turns 18, he's gonna tell her to kiss his ass as he's walking out the door, I just know it.......  

[DMcD]

I know that over protective parents get highly rebelious kids. BM wasn't over protective. My SIL said it best, "They were under the radar. No one knew what those kids were up to sun up to sun down. You (my DH) care and you are being a father. You know you're doing the right thing, no matter how bad it might feel right now."

I think OSS got into trouble and that BM couldn't control him but she never said anything to DH in fear that might give him cause to change custody. All I know is that she always said their behavior and grades were fine. I know for certain their grades always sucked. She always said that SD didn't have any emotional issues and cited that as the reason that she never took SD into counseling. I know for sure that SD wasn't a "normal happy little girl" and hasn't been for a long, long time. I have to guess that OSS' behavior wasn't "fine" like BM claimed. BM put the kids in the church school partly because she was concerned that OSS was getting out of hand in the public school. I can see why she made that choice. Had she talked to DH and told him the real deal, he may not have felt it was a poor a choice as it looked.

The problem is, BM didn't get home from work until after 6 PM and had them in bed by 9 PM every weeknight. From after school until BM got home, they had almost no supervision. OSS could very well have been into smoking pot long before he got here. He could have been drinking or hanging with gang members. In Long Beach "gang" is a real thing, unlike here in Sacramento where it is a kids game more often than not.

All I know is that BM has prevented all of our attempts to get SD the help she needed and has had a breakdown. All I know is that OSS was problematic, if not completely out of control, when DH got him. YSS seems to be taking this fairly well. Of course, he is worried about his sister and angry at his brother's behavior, but he is not an emotional wreck, so that's more than I would have expected.

I am so scared. DH is right when he said that this is not going to look good in court. Frankly, I don't give a crap what the court says. Either they let us deal with the kids in the manner we see fit or they put them back with BM so we can all support my SD while she's on welfare as a teenaged mother and my OSS while he's in jail.

[DMcD]

Thanks for that. I really need some support. It's morning and OSS didn't come home last night. I am just trying to hold myself and DH together until we can get this dealt with. I needed some kind words. :)

[Kitty C.]

I hear ya, D.  Your SIL is absolutely right.  And I know how hard it is to listen to all the positives when YOU are the ones living the temporary hell.  And you can't let the aspect of what this will look like in court to cloud what you need to do NOW.  You're right, the heck with what they think, you have a kid's life to save right NOW!

But I'd still be leary about the gang thing.  I know the general area you live in and there are places in Sacramento that can be almost as bad as LA.  Even 11 years ago, there were certain places I'd avoid like the plague and when I stop and think back to situations I had been in, I just shudder that I made it out of that unscathed.

We're all here for you and your family, D!  I know what a HUGE struggle it's been for all of you even up to this point.  I will be praying that you find him him safe and sound VERY soon!  Keep us informed!

[DMcD]

We're not in Del Paso Heights or anywhere near there, so the "real" gang crap is far, far away from us. Even then, my skids said that they heard gunshots almost nightly and there was a drug dealer who lived a couple houses down from BM. It is VERY real down there. Tupac and Snoop Dogg glorified that lifestyle right there in Long Beach and Compton. When you hear LBC in their songs(?) it's Long Beach city. Gang involevment is a sign of masculinity and maturity in those places, not the dumbest decision a person could make. All those kids running around without parents, without guidence, without morals. No wonder OSS thinks he's not doing anything that bad. In comparison, he's NOT. This is just totally screwed up. Thanks for your prayers. God will take care of us and OSS. Perhaps we can reign him in before it's too late. If we can't, I'll have to trust God to take care of him.

[Kitty C.]

I lived in North Highlands BRIEFLY before DS was born, that was scary enough!  What pushed me out was the nightly helicopter lights shining in my room!  And I still didn't like listening to them every night when we lived just north of Sunrise Mall, but then I'm just an Iowa farmer's daughter........

DS's half sister lives in Long Beach, but I know her and trust her.  DS will be out there for a week to see her this summer, after spending 2 weeks with his SM.  I know that she'll keep an eye on him.

I think your take on the situation is exactly right on, he's playing it cool in Sacto compared to LBC.  Still doesn't make it right and I'll keep praying that he comes back to you safe!

[rachaelmomma]

Pack his suitcase and ship his bad ass off to boot camp!  I agree that he needs some tough love and have seen it work wonders.  They go away hating your guts but 9 times out of 10 they come back with a whole new attitude.

Good luck and god bless.

[nosonew]

Just wondering if he skipped and ran to moms house.  If he did, would she even tell you?  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  We had a situation similar to Kittys, completely overprotective mom, and yes, son rebelled and now lives with us.  Only problem now is grades, he doesn't know how to do homework, she always did it for him!

Thoughts, prayers,  and good vibes going your way!