Am I crazy?????

[Kitty C.]

I've got a potential situation coming up this weekend, and I'm not sure how I feel about it or respond to it.

SS is in Scouts and this Sat. is the day for the annual door-to-door food pick-up for our local food pantry.  The Scouts organization in our community is getting incredibly thin (and I've heard our community isn't the only one this is happening to), so they don't have many people to help gather and sort.  When BM gave DH a copy of SS's football schedule a few weeks ago, she also had a note with it about this event, asking us if we'd help!

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I read that!  It blew my mind!  But BM has been acting more 'cordial' to both of us lately, even to the point of her making 'small talk' briefly at SS's football jamboree about a month ago.  That has NEVER happened before!  I just went with the flow with that experience!

So even tho it appears that this is a genuine appeal for help (since we know the manpower situation as well), if I do this, it's going to feel REALLY weird!  Unfortunately, DH can't help.  We have a snowmobile that we really need to get sold ASAP, and there's a swap meet about 30 miles away at the same time that DH is taking it to, to see if we can get it sold there.  DH sold one there about 4 years ago, so we just don't want to pass up on this opportunity.

I just don't think it would be a good idea for me just to show up.  I think maybe it would be a better idea if DH would call her and tell her that, tho he won't be able to make it, I would be able to help (and I've done this a few times before, when DS was in Scouts).  I know how desperately they need the help, so if BM would say forget it, I would know that it's because of ME.  And it would also make me realize 2 other things:  she hates ME more than she hates DH (which I thought was more vise versa or dead even) and even tho it 'seems' that she's 'getting nicer', she still hasn't or can't overcome her jealousy of me.

Three years ago, she and I stood on either side of SS's desk, at a class function, and she NEVER once acknowledged that I was even present, even when I spoke directly to SS!  Now she's asking for OUR help and willing to work side-by-side?  Stranger things have happened, I guess.  And it's why this just feels SO weird!

If she is comfortable enough for me to be there, without DH, then I'm more than willing to go.  If for nothing else, for SS's sake, to show him that we CAN work together, and if we can do it for a Scout event, we can probably do it with him, too.  It would be a great lesson for him.  And if it makes her more comfortable around me and lessens her jealousy, that would be a plus, too.  I'm just not sure how to go about it!  

Any ideas, guys??????  

[purrrfectgirl]

I'd say go for it.  Worse thing that happens is she flips out and you can get in your car and leave.  If you don't go, she could always fabricate some story that you and DH hate SS and don't want to be helpful!  At least, that's exactly what my DH's ex would do.  And best case scenario she gets to know you maybe a little better and gets over herself.  Let us know how it goes, best of luck to you!

[Kitty C.]

You're right, I never thought about any backlash she might try.  I'm not sure if she would try, tho.  She is a wallflower of the serious kind.  She had a profound hearing loss with bilateral hearing aids and, as such, also has a speech impediment and difficulty in understanding others.  She does not interact very much with parents of kids involved with SS.  They know ME better than they know her, LOL!  

BUT, SF is also the Cub Master, since no one else would volunteer for it, so I don't know how she deals with it now.  Maybe it's helping her to come out of her shell.  I guess I won't know until Sat.!

[joni]

...we all know that.  What's going on with the job situation?

ANYWAY.....

I would have DH call her and tell her he can't be there and you're willing to help out because he knows they need the manpower.  Let it be her decision whether you're there.

As stepmoms, we have to respect the heirachy of the bio's relationship.  YOu know that, you've given that advice many times on these boards.  

Always be an arm's length away.  Don't get TOO familar or TOO comfortable or TOO close to her.  That's when the shit will hit the fan.   Remember....the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

If you do go at her invite, and I would go, don't be her buddy.  Be polite and cordial.  Keep your safe distance and stay way and fade into the background.  Be careful not to shine too much in her territory.  You wouldn't want to threaten her....

[Kitty C.]

Now EVERYBODY knows, LOL!

Boy, do I know about the three TOO's..don't even want to go there!  But I've got a feeling that I might have a problem of blending into the woodwork.  This is a VERY small town and EVERYONE knows me, especially since I'm on our local EMS unit.  Unless she's over it now (fat chance), she's going to really stew when people come up to me and talk or ask what to do or where to go.  She's not assertive enough herself to take the initiative on it, either.

And these boys bring in seems like HUNDREDS of bags of food, in cans, boxes, etc.  It all has to be sorted then stored.  If you don't have a slick system laid out on how to do this, it can take FOREVER.  (Hmm, maybe that's why she mentioned in the note that it did take that long last year!)

I was thinking of making some signs to put on the tables, to assist those sorting all the food, but I think I will just bring along a notebook and marker, and if the situation arises, just 'make a suggestion' about labels for the tables to assist sorting.

Cordial, definitely.  At arms' length, absolutely!  I plan on keeping it EXTREMELY business-like!


As for the job, had another interview Tues. for a position in the blood donor center, a place I am VERY familiar with.  I even have known the lady I interviewed with for quite some time!  And we're having a blood drive with them, sponsored by our EMS unit, next week, too.  Won't know on it till late next week.  The waiting is KILLING me, LOL!

[sweetnsad]

Kitty....I would do it, but only if DH calls her and explains the situation, just so she doesn't create a scene in front of your ss when she sees you arriving alone.  Let him give her the heads-up and see what she says.  The worst she can say, is no.

My fiance's ex has gotten pretty friendly with me in just the last year or so.  It blew me away, but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop!!!

Good luck!!!

[Peanutsdad]

But we love ya anyhoo ;)



Play it by ear ,, if shes receptive to you helping out,, go ahead and just watch for any tensions that may arise.

[Kitty C.]

Gee, tanks PD......I wuv yoo all too!  :*


DH did talk to SS last night and SS said that they had to wait until SF got home to ask him if they still needed help.  I'll probably find out tonight.

Luckily I know the way out, if need be.  And anyone there who knows me will understand if I suddenly 'bail'.

Just a 'weird' situation all around....one of those times that, tho well-meaning, raises the hair on the back of your neck!  I'll let y'all know Monday how it all went down!

[kitten]

Do it in a BIG way!  Be super stepmom, but be polite and cordial.  Minimal conversation w/BM.  It's your night to shine!  Do it out of love fpr ss and EVERYONE will see it.  You can do it!

[Kitty C.]

...Never happened.  DH called her Friday night and asked her if they still needed help and she said no.  But she already knew that DH wouldn't be there and was assuming he was asking for me, because SS had called DH Thurs. night and DH told him there that he was going to be busy Sat.

Oh well.  I got a chance to go shopping instead!  I have no idea how long it took them to get it done, and I don't care.  To top it off, this is the FIRST year we didn't get a bag tied to our door for the donations!  In fact, our whole development got 'missed'.  Gee, I wonder why......  ;-)