Been a while, but I have a rant/vent!

[lucky]

x(   Background leading up to today's thing:  dh and pbfh#1 have three kids:

18 yo osd who is living w/us again since her ex-bf kicked her out -- only till she gets on her feet, a couple months probably since she just got a job on Tuesday.

16 yo oss whom pbfh#1 has custody of due to increasing violence here.  I kicked him out till we got therapy when he tried to push me down the stairs, he refused therapy the day of the appt. after 2 weeks of promising dh and I he'd go.  Since that date, the violence has only escalated to the point that the next time something happens we're calling CPS and the police -- they're both violent now and oss ended up with a fat lip the other day.  We did call the police yesterday and were told that since it had happened the day before, social services needs to take care of it.  By the time we got that info, soc. serv. was closed for the holiday weekend.

13 yo ysd whom dh has custody of.

Note:  since last April, things had been going very well till about a month or so ago when pbfh#1 lost her job and began hanging around her sisters a LOT more.  Since then, she's become argumentative with us (you know -- we say the sky is blue and she says it's green kind of thing) and has begun badmouthing us again, not much yet, but as time goes by, it's getting worse.

A few weeks ago, pbfh#1 called ysd and ripped on her because pbfh#1's sister (AFH1 - auntie from hell) called pbfh#1 and told her that ysd had made AFH1's dd upset and cry because ysd had told her cousin that she felt bad when pbfh#1's side of the family made plans and excluded ysd.  AFH1 informed pbfh#1 that "she'd better have a little talk with ysd so she doesn't do that anymore".  Ysd was trying to defend her actions to her mother, but couldn't get a word in edgewise and pbfh#1 was SCREAMING at her, ysd was crying her head off and finally hung up (neither dh nor I were home until the very tail end of the "conversation" to tell her to just hang up).  I stuck my nose in it and called pbfh#1 and told her that she owed ysd an apology for doing what she did because (at 13 yo) its perfectly appropriate for ysd to talk to a cousin about her feelings and if the cousin felt bad about it perhaps that's because they are guilty of doing the things that make ysd feel bad.  Pbfh agreed that they DID do the things, but AFH1 "was just protecting her dd".  What about pbfh#1 protecting HER dd??  Upshot was that I made pbfh#1 feel bad and she agreed that she was out of line, but ysd refused to talk to her that day even when pbfh#1 wanted to apologize.

On Monday, ysd had a school concert -- worth 100 points, a HUGE part of her choir grade.  The same cousin didn't show and afterward ysd called her to find out why not -- she did the same thing last year when the cousin didn't show.  The cousin and ysd talked a little bit and ysd reminded her that she'd need a note to be excused from the concert or she'd lose the points and the call ended.  During the whole conversation, osd was near ysd.  The next day, pbfh#1 called and osd answered.  Pbfh#1 wanted to talk to ysd but she wasn't home, so she told osd that AFH1 had called and said that ysd was extremely rude to call the cousin like that and that she was no longer allowed to call AFH1's house.  AFH1 had also said that she'd have called ysd back herself the night before, but she didn't want to deal with dh's and my s**t.  (My thought was good, because I would not have allowed her to talk to ysd -- I despise her -- she thinks the world revolves around her and it's her way or the highway, no wonder she can't get a job or a man since NOTHING can meet her "standards".)  Osd defended ysd and pbfh#1 backed off because ysd WAS NOT rude in any way, shape or form.  Then pbfh#1 tells osd that they are going to AFH1's house for Thanksgiving.  When ysd arrives home and finds out what AFH1 has said and the plans for Thanksgiving she is not happy, but basically sucks it up (I think that osd did some white-washing later on).

So, at 6pm last night, ysd goes over to pbfh#1's and she is to be back (per CO) at 7pm this evening.  Last Saturday, pbfh#1's entire family got together for Thanksgiving at the skid's grandparent's place so they HAVE already celebrated w/the family.  I went to bed about 7:30pm because I get up for work at 4am (and it's been nuts for weeks with a huge project to be completed 12/13).  At 8:15pm pbfh#1 calls (from AFH1's cell phone cause pbfh#1's phone got disconnected for nonpayment yesterday) and wants to know if ysd can stay till Friday sometime since they're eating dinner late (6pm).  Dh said he needed to talk to me before answering.

Our plans for the weekend are this:  Thanksgiving - lay around home, watch movies [em](me, dh and ds -- who we get for a visit from his residential treatment program from Thu. morning till Sat. eve, but our overnights have been cut short in the past because his behavior has been escalating and then we have to bring him back early so I planned accordingly just in case)[/em] get the Christmas decorations down from the attic and test the lights, etc.  Friday - dh and I take the kids to cut our own tree and get it in the house, late morning & early afternoon dh and I have a couple appointments, but while we're gone the kids can make Christmas cookie sandwiches (they've been begging to do it!), then when we get back we'll decorate the outside of the house -- we're going all out this year.  Saturday - decorate the tree and the inside of the house.  We do this every year.  When we first got married we did all this beginning Saturday, but some years the skids didn't get to participate because they are at pbfh#1's for her weekend so we switched to Friday so that they could be a part of it.  I specially asked for the days and times with ds so that HE could also be a part of it.

Who KNOWS what time ysd will get back on Friday given that pbfh#1 doesn't drive and besides, knowing what I do of AFH1, she knows that the CO says 7pm and she deliberately planned dinner at 6pm KNOWING that ysd couldn't be home by 7pm then.  She has, in the past, stated that she isn't going to be dictated to by dh and lucky.  Funny, but I remember the CO coming from a stipulated schedule AGREED upon by dh AND pbfh#1.  

Anyway! I told dh a few things based on my dislike of AFH1 and my frustration with pbfh#1 for playing the games and with dh for dumping it on me.  My final recommendation is that she be back right after dinner (they're spending the whole day there so it wouldn't necessarily be cutting the day short) and that if AFH1 doesn't want to bring her back, to call us and we'd go get her.  Or, better yet, if osd DOES want to go (she hasn't decided yet) we'll let her take the truck and she can bring ysd back with her after dinner which I know osd will do because SHE'S tired of the games that AFH1 is playing and the fact that pbfh#1 is beginning to play those games again now that she's hanging around with AFH1 & AFH2 a lot again.

And as far as giving extra time, pbfh#1 lives 1.5 blocks away.  Ysd sometimes spends the whole day there on OUR weekends and some evenings during the week depending on if she gets her homework done, if she has confirmation classes, etc.  Pbfh#1 DOES get extra time and we NEVER ask for any time on her scheduled time because ysd lives with us, we just plan for when we know we have the kids.

What do you guys think?  I know a lot of you probably won't get this till late today or tomorrow or later, but I needed to get it off my chest!  What a way to start out a day to relax, huh?  :(

[wendl]

Poor Lucky,
I liked the idea if the older one goes to let her drive so she can return herself and ysd when dinner is done. I also agree that they are with her all day so I see no problme with leaving after dinner, lol most people are to full to do much but lay around.

I hope your day goes better and try to have a good one.

Enjoy your holiday decorating.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[poohbear]

As a stepmom, I see many, many issues in your post. I realize you don't know me from Adam :) And that's ok. Take it with a grain of salt if you wish.

First, I would not be so involved with the kids' relationship and their mother. The kids are you are involved with aren't little...they're teens.

OSD isn't an issue at all, because she is a legal adult. YSD is an issue to some extent. However, at 13, you should do more to guide the child personally and less confronting mom about where she's wrong.

As for Thanksgiving, I would say that if YSD wanted to stay...it should be ok. She knows what your plans were for Friday, and if she wanted to stay with her mom, then so be it! At that age, I think it's perfectly ok to let the kid have some say-so. I realize that BM called you and not the child, but your dh could have easily spoken with his daughter and let her know it's alright.

Yes, you have to deal with the ex for a while yet....but the way you deal with her is up to you.

I'm not saying this as someone who hasn't been there...believe me I've been there and worse. However, within the last few months, I've come to see things differently. My change in behavior and attitude has done wonders for my SS's relationship with my husband...and with BM's reactions to different situations. Take the high road, put your own pride and control issues aside, and watch what happens :)

Realize that my response is based solely on what you've provided. If there are other issues, I'm unaware.

[lucky]

[em]I'm not saying this as someone who hasn't been there...believe me I've been there and worse. However, within the last few months, I've come to see things differently. My change in behavior and attitude has done wonders for my SS's relationship with my husband...and with BM's reactions to different situations. Take the high road, put your own pride and control issues aside, and watch what happens[/em]

If only it were that easy.  We're talking about 7 years of marriage and 12 years total relationship.  We've tried it all.  We now stick to the CO when mom asks whenever possible.  I try to stay out of things as much as I can -- we changed our cell #'s so that she can't call me all the time anymore.  And in my initial post I did say "I stuck my nose in it", my usual response to the kids is "I don't know what to tell you.  You'll have to talk to your mother about that." and I know that they can't because she refuses to hear their side.

Thanks for responding though.
[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[dsm]

Hey.  Long time no chat.  Sorry to hear that PB#1 and her sister are up to their old antics once again.   Just when you think things are starting to go peacefully, it all gets thrown helter-skelter....  

I am glad to hear that OSD is doing well with you.  Sorry to hear of OSS, but I think that too will pass in time.

Now, with YSD and PB asking to keep her later....I agree with you - if they wanted to keep her til after they were done eating, fine.  It's not like this is hours and hours away that they live from you.  But with all the other family stuff planned this weekend I would have insisted that she be home for all that.  And your DH should not have tipped the buck to you - that's something he should have just stepped up and said.

But this is now Saturday........what happened?   What did y'all decide to do?  Did your time go well with DS?

==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 8
BB - 18 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[lucky]

Hey, dsm!  I'm hoping that she doesn't get too bad, but she spends a lot of time every day with her sister again.

Osd went as well and dh called and said 10pm that night and that osd would be bringing ysd home.  And she did.

As for the time with ds, well, it's been pretty good.  He's off the Ritalin now so he's more hyper and less attentive, but all in all, he isn't THAT bad.  I'm now working on getting him off the Clonidine as well.  He has a few tics yet, it doesn't seem as bad to me as the staff are saying it is, but the Dr. wants to put him on another med.  We are refusing, however, as we're still planning on going the homeopathic route as soon as the assessment is done at the end of next week.  We'll find out later this week what the recommendation will be.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[dsm]

Drop me a line and let me know how it goes, k?  I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!!!!

How does the house look?????   We didn't get to the decorations this weekend - time flew by too fast.  It really sucks that there's no snow - it's hard to get the right frame of mind that Christmas is only a few weeks away....

Keep your chin up my friend!  :)

==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 8
BB - 18 months
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[lucky]

Yeah, no snow.  You should cut a Christmas tree down in the sleet/rain!  We did.  The first time any of the kids ever cut their own and it was WET!!  lol

But the tree is gorgeous and so is the house -- inside & out.


[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]