A question about SM/SD 's (opening a can of worms)........

[shawneetears]

Ok,  I have my own opinion on this but I was curious about what others think.  All opinions are welcome even if I don't agree ( doubt you will change my thinking but you might make me think harder)

What makes a good step-parent?  What kind of role should they play in their SS or DD (steps of course) lives?  What if BM or BD is a decent person and on their own a good parent but unreasonable with the ex spouse (ie intent on doing anything to irritate them - not the extremes just generally being an pain in the butt anytime they can get away with it without the child(ren) getting wind of it short of NCP ratting the CP out...or vice versa)  How far should you go and when do you back off or do you?

Yeah I am opening a big can of worms here but conversation is good and the exchange of ideas is healthy.  Just play nice :)

Wish you all the best life has to offer! :)

[leftoverinmn]

Just MHO, the job of a step-parent is to be a good friend, and a good host.

(Maid was not included in my list)

[joni]

A stepparent's role is one of a mentor and a good life example.  

Stepchildren are not your children.  Regardless of the actions of the birthparents, it is not the stepparents role to be actively involved in the birthparent's turmoil.  A stepparent should be supporting, in the background, the birthparent they're married to.  Let the parents duke it out for themselves, it's their baggage to bear.  Practice at taking lots of deep breaths and biting your tongue.

I personally, am not involved in any of my husband's issues with his Ex wife regarding each other and their child.   I never have any discussions with the birthmother regarding her child.  It's not my business.

[stepmom]

But doesn't the issue become the stepparent's issue as well when it affects them also.  For example as hard as I try to stay out of the issues the BM constantly called our house even knowing her ex was @ work and always fought with me and wanted me to relay messges.  I know she was jealous and furious that her daughter liked me and I have my own 2 1/2 year old daughter that I do not want this to affect.  As an example the language that is used and the way she acts I don't want my daughter to witness that.  I don't have any control on how she acts around her kids but I'll be darned if my daughter will be subjected to that.

[joni]

Even more of a reason to disengage and stepaway.  Don't let the BM use you like this because she's too afraid to consult her Ex.

Don't answer the phone.  Get caller ID.  Don't engage this woman in her pettiness and disrespect for you and your own daughter.  You are absolutely right about that.  But engaging her like this will not put an end to it.  It only fuels her.

I understand your frustration and anger.  I share in it and have lived it for four years with my DH's Ex.  Last Christmas, I decided to emotionally disengage because I could no longer subject myself to the BM's direct assault and abuse on me.  It was ruining the quality of my life.  The only fights my DH and I had were over his friggin' Ex wife.  ENOUGH!

We took my 7 y.o. SD to airport  two weekends before Christmas last year.  SD was sobbing, didn't want to go home.  We were in the departure area of the drop off and I picked my SD up to hug and console her and to get her to stop crying.  My DH was getting her luggage out of the trunk.  That BM came up behind me and ripped that child out of my arms.

Could she be more jealous and petty?  The low self esteem she has that the jealously overwhelms her so much that she would rip a child out of a stepparent's arms instead of giving us one minute to finish our good byes at a respectful distance?  God forbid.

That was it.  I got caller ID.  I don't answer the phone when she calls the house (she's supposed to be calling my DH's cell but doesn't comply).  If I go to the airport with DH for the drop offs, I make him park in the hourly parking and he walks his child into the airport lobby.  I will not subject myself or my son to this evil BM's abuse.

[oklahoma]

I can't just disengage as a stepparent.  I can certainly avoid conversing or associating with BM, or at least keep it at a minimum--I've always done that.  My part in legal issues is almost non-existant.  But when I am not a PARENT to my SDs, my entire family is affected in negative ways.  There are many behaviors that SDs bring into my home--accepted by BM, not accepted by my husband and I--which my 4 yo watches very carefully and then adopts.  (For example, we have been dealing with OSD putting down YSD, speaking to her very meanly.  My 4 yo is starting to use those same mannerisms in speaking to my 2 yo.)  If I leave the whole mess up to my husband, who is not home all the time as I am, then I have an even bigger mess to clean up with our small children.

When I first met my husband and he first told me about having two daughters from a previous marriage, I was completely clueless about the impact that would have on our marriage and family!!  I considered some of the more obvious issues, like having to pay child support, having to see BM at special events, etc.  But even after almost 5 years of marriage, I am finding ways that BM somehow manages to intrude upon our lives (and I think most of the time she doesn't even realize it.)  Very frustrating!  But, my husband did not marry me just so that he could still raise his daughters by himself....  It's not fair to make him do so.

[joni]

I haven't disengaged from my stepdaughter.  Her and I are very close and I treat her the same as my own child.  In fact, SD once told me that I treat her better than I do my own child (my son was 2 y.o. at the time, you know how 2 y.o.'s can be!).  Many times my SD has told me she forgets I'm her SM and sometimes she thinks I'm her real mom.  The house rules apply equally to everyone who lives here.  Often, SD is solely in  my care due to DH's work schedule.

I've disengaged from my husband's Ex wife and their turmoil.  The decisions regarding their daughter is between them.  I would never give my DH's ex wife any opinions regarding her own child.  If you read one of the posts above here, the SM was stating the BM was trying to send message via the SM to the child's father.  That's wrong, wrong, wrong.

[4honor]

The most valuable thing one can give their step child (and I received this gift from my second SM) is to be brutally honest with a step child about their own life and to speak in nothing but generalities about their other parent (not the spouse) while supporting and loving their spouse.

For example. I messed up big. BM pulled no punches and showed me my own responsibility in the matter. BUT she never bad mouthed my mother. She promised me she would never tell me a lie or offer advice about my parents. She kept her promises. She loved me for me and we built our relationship on our own, apart from our mutual love for my father. She was a REAL PARENT, the ideal parent, not some mock old "friend". I didn't need a friend. I needed a parent who would do the right thing for me.

My father showed very little back bone after the divorce and my mother was queen PAS'er. But my step mom became someone I could trust, even when I was not sure I could trust my parents (after all, they had a vested interest.)

[First SM was avindictive evil woman who went after my father because her ex cheated on her... she ended up cheating with the (female) skank next door.]

My SM, Norman Jean, died three years ago and I cried harder for her loss than for my own mother's loss in 1987.

So, when I became a SM, I promised SS I would never tell him a lie and if he wanted advice about his parents he needed to talk to grammy. I love SS more than I hate BM for the torment she has put SS  and DH through. I parent him the way he should be parented. We build our relationship apart from our mutual love for DH. I see SS warts and all and love him because I chose to, not because I am supposed to. SS will leave the house without kissing DH goodbye sometimes, but he always comes back to hug and kiss me

...much to his mother's chagrin.

[Coty]

I think it depends on the situation, actually.  I am a csm with no contact from bm, and I have taken over as mom because ss had no other, and dh asked for my help.  

Before bm took a hike, I stayed out of their arguments, didn't go to mediation appts, kept my mouth shut, basically.  My input to dh was the only way I was involved.  

Like I said, bm has been out of the loop for years, and imo, has no rights to ss.  She has really done a number on him, and me and dh as well with her absence.  

[smtotwo]

to ask some advice.

I, too stay out of DH's and ex'sparenting.

But for me its gotten complicated.  A little background...when my ex and I were separated I wrote checks for groceries and school clothes for my children, my ex was supposed to turn over half of state and federal income tax checks.  Instead he signed my name and I had planned on using this money to cover the checks.  STUPID I know that, but at that time I was quite desperate.   I was charged for writing the checks and given probation until they were paid.

The problem we're having now is that when on probation you can be put in jail when ANYONE claims you've done something, while they investigate.  DH's ex found out that I'm on probation. Now every time she gets angry at him she calls probation and claims I've done something wrong.  In the past year and a half I've spent 20 days in jail (2 times 10 days each).  Both times her claims were deemed false.  But through probation I have no recourse.

I'm thinking that maybe I should file a civil suit against her, the most recent time was last week and I lost both my jobs.  And coincidently, her claims came just 2 days after stepson was punished for stealing at our house.
Any suggestions?  I'm to the point where I'm seriously considering asking DH to leave.  This affects not just me, but my 13 yr old as well.
Of course if we separate then she gets exactly what she wants, to make DH's life a living hell!!

HELP!!