Stepmom woes....

[dipper]

Hi all,

I have been a stepmom for seven months.  I had known my stepchildren for two years before marrying their dad.  I also have two girls of my own.  

My yss lives with his mom.  The oldest stepson lived with his dad, then after we married, moved out, but has lived with us for the past five months and is getting his own home.  Okay....I knew yss had problems - adhd, stealing, fighting, even stabbed someone's tires.  After we got married, an incident happened in which he fondled my daughter who is around his age.  He is now 13 and she is 12.  They had been playing truth or dare and I think he acted out more in frustration than sexual perversion.  To spare my daughter having to talk to others about this as she would get so upset, and to spare my ss from being labeled - I got counseling for my daughter and my dh and I asked ss' mother to do same.  She didnt - we had to make the contacts, even though ss lives 2 hours away.  Then she took over.  

Now, they moved 2 hours away right before we got married.  SS was adamant that he wanted to live with us.  She got a lawyer and fought this.  DH couldnt afford one.  Since they have moved, everything has been a struggle.  The order was not specific so she demanded all control over visitation and when he would come, when he would be picked up, etc.  She never informed dh of anything - so he contacted school  himself.  To this she wanted to know who he thought he was to talk to ss' teachers and such.  Now, granted, this was no different than the other three years of their divorce.......

Okay....so, she got two of her workers to start keeping ss.  One had a child - they are 'partners'.  the baby was taken away - why,  I really dont know......  SS was spending evenings riding around, at the mall, and having fun - not ever doing homework.  Still said he wanted to live here.  WE hired a lawyer.  Three weeks before going to court, his mom gets her 20 year old male employee to start spending time with ss.  SS for the first time ever, refused a visit to see dh - he had been told he and this guy would spend time together and promised a cd.  

DH would get after him for not behaving in school -  her friends gave him expensive gifts for being so good in school.   DH took him to a psychologist (counselor wasnt producing changes)- bm tells him that he doesnt need counseling.  Dh got after him for not doing homework, she said she didnt have time to be helping him.  SS is learning disabled.  

Her employees/buddies begin to take him out all the time, buying him gifts.  WE go to court with him still saying he wants to live here......SS is telling us how the next day he is getting a big sword to go on his wall, and a new cd he wants, and the weekend they are going on a trip to his mom's friends........and he goes and tells the judge that he doesnt care where he lives.  

BM lies about everything on the stand.  

Okay......I resent it all.  We had to borrow money for this lawyer - the entire time the child saying this is what he wanted.  I feel he just did it for goodies.  Now, he is rude to dh on the phone.  Acts like he doesnt care if he ever sees dh again.  

SS was the one who was after dh to date me.  He used to think I was cool......For three years, bm didnt do anything for him other than the basics - no goodies of any kind, no trips anywhere, no movies, nothing.  His dad bought any toys he had on holidays or birthdays.  In three weeks, bm and her buddies completely bought this child.  It's like he doesnt care about us at all.  

He told oss that this 20 year old guy has wrecked three cars - and ss rides around with him.  He also told oss that this guy smokes pot.  I am extremely concerned about why a 20 year old is hanging with a 13 year old to begin with.  He called dh the other night - and his cell started ringing, the 20 year old calling to see what he and his mother are doing.  His mother is a manager of a store and all three of yss best buddies are her 20 and 30 year old employees.  they have no lives outside of her and ss.  They work and then spend time with him...or are calling to see what he is doing.  Why would a 20 year old be spending all his extra time with a 40 year old woman and her 13 year old son.  

My oss is 19 and I cannot see him hanging out with a kid all the time.

I have been very angry over having to deal with all of this.  I am stressed to the gills........

Today, I told dh that I resent yss.  I resent the impact his bm and him have on our lives.  Our only fights have concerned yss - and the fact is there is nothing either of us can do.  BM calls the shots.  WE just get stressed out.  I feel that the only way I can cope is to simply not care as deeply where yss is concerned.  I will treat him with love, but I will not get involved with his failing grades.

I am just so frustrated.  All he talks about with dh is his new buddies and his new gifts.  And he treats dh like bm does - like he is a second class citizen.

I really dont understand a 13 year old boy choosing to live with his mom.  HE and dh have been so close.  And within weeks, all he cares about is her and those buddies......

[4honor]

 are grooming SS. (nm)

[dipper]

Yes, they have him completely snowed.  I am really concerned as I do not believe they are good examples - and....he is 13.  He should be hanging with children, not adults.  He thinks its cool of course.

He called last night and was rude to dh again.  Then talked to oss - turns out he was asking oss if he could stay with him Friday night.  Doesnt want to be here because my daughter is having a sleep over.  He should have asked his dad first.  And anyway, oss is hoping to be in his home.

BM was in the background telling him things to say.  It seems she is listening in on every conversation lately.

Seems as if all we can do is wait.  Oss has met these 'buddies'.  He says they all seem like a team of misfits - probably why they have no friends or family outside of work.

DH has been so hurt.  I have been too.  That is why I feel I need to step back from it.....

[speciallady]

Oh my gosh, hon, he's going through what is known as the "terrible teens"---sorta like the "terrible two's but with more involved than just saying, "NO"---

Not to make light of your situation but I'd not take him so seriously--or take what he says from one minute to the next to heart---it's a hard time of adjustment for all to go through.

Let mom and dad handle him---and hope the Big Guy upstairs is around for him too.....

Any way to put a bug in his ear to maybe get him involved in sports or something like that? Keep him unavailable for the following he seems to have?

just an idea

[dipper]

I had thought of this - that and the fact that he knows he can play the parents against each other.  They hate each other.  And ss used this big time - he was telling dh one thing - and probably telling her another...and had them in court fighting over him.  I told dh tonight - we would probably be surprised at what he has told her, and probably shouldnt tell everything he tells us as true.  However, I do know her well enough to know she will do anything to destroy dh...

In over two months, dh cannot even talk to ss on the phone without her listening to every word from ss' side.  And she butts in....

I worry about ss - he has ADHD/learning disabled and he has behavior problems.  It would be so easy for him to slip to the wrong side.....which is what I feel he has done.

But, the last few days I have been trying to detach myself emotionally from what I cannot control - and I have felt so much better!!!  I feel giddy in love with my husband again instead of stressed out....

:)

[speciallady]

detaching and knowing you can't control everything....
Your ss's story sounds like my husbands son at that age--and dear ole mom let this child know wayyyy too much about court things--
for example-
in court papers, neither parent (her--she has son taken away for abuse at one time) is to use corporal punishment...

ss told me one time, being a smartbutt and teasing said, "hey, no one is allowed to hit me--hehehehehe!"
Now tell me that didnt give him total control over both parents!!! Not that I believe in physical  punishment but does a child NEED to know that???

I detached years ago~

[jc]

To what extent was your daughter "fondled"?  How does she feel about him living in the home after what has happened?  It sounds as though you have minimized and excused his offense.

I am not saying that's the case, however, that is the interpretation I get from the email.  

Maybe refocusing your energy on your daughter would be energy better spent.  One thing you know for sure..............she will always be your daughter.

Best wishes

[dipper]

No, I havent minimized the events with my daughter.  Her counselor heard her side of the story - and was not concerned with ss being in the home on visits.  Ss' counselor heard from us first and then ss - and she did not express any concern about the visits.  My daughter's counselor told me that she was adjusted, had made sense out of what happened, and how to avoid it in the future, and that I had given her a strong sense of self and family, and stability.

There were 3 children playing truth or dare - and my daughter was dared to hit ss between the legs - and she did so....it hurt.  It was after this that he held her down, bracing her legs with his own (and he is a big boy for his age) and rubbed her between the legs.  He did not enter inside her clothing.  He did threaten to beat her if she told - and we were not told until the next day......  I tried to do what was best for both children.  My daughter would feel anxious as if her heart was going to burst out of her chest when talking about it - I tried to protect her from this........looking back, I wish I had called the police immediately.  That way things would have been taken care of and no one could have hindered it.....I did give ss the doubt that he is learning disabled, adhd, and may have reacted with frustration ................I also did not for one minute ever say it was anything but sexual assault and that it was serious.  SS knew that I did not want him to come back ever in the beginning...........................

SS was suspended yesterday for four days - hitting.  He needs help, but there is nothing we can do.

[4honor]

Sounds like BM's buddies are grooming SS -- like a pedophile does.

[dipper]

OH!  I get ya now - and yes, we are very concerned about that.  IN fact, the young man is not 20 - he is 26!  My stepson thinks he is cool because he has wrecked three cars, and he plays video games, and he calls ss so much and spends so much time with him.  SS has had close to 200 minutes on his cell - and this young man is mostly the reason he has six left.   I for one do not believe this is a healthy or innocent relationship...................

The other women involved - one was arrested for grand larceny in early Feb - her third offense.  Come to find out, she had been fired from his mom's store before we ever went to court - and his mom had testified that she trusted these people completely.  The other woman was fired recently - regional manager found out she lied on her application and had also been in jail for a felony before...................

My oldest step son told us today that his mom is taking ss to her part-time job now - at a restaurant and she was working at 9:45 last night - another worker told him yss was 'working' as well.............

YSS was suspended last week for fighting - and his punishment was not watching TV in his room - but he can watch it with her....and he cant have the shoes he wants - but they did go shopping and bought them, he just cant wear them right now - and he did get other new clothes.   No, he didnt need new clothes, but they were stylish.............

I cant think of anything my dh can do about all of this no matter how much he hates it.........