I am nervous - VENT

[Ref]

You would think after 10 years of dealing with this crap, I wouldn't be such a wreck everytime I know BM is going to be pissed. I can't help it though. She is a mean person and doesn't care who it hurts, including SD, as long as it means that she will hurt DH. I hate how much of a cancer she is to the people I love most.

She wrote a letter to DH at the beginning of April. DH has been putting off talking to her, because he knows what a mess this will start. Now he is responding to her in a letter to be mailed, certified, tomorrow.

In the letter she accuses him of embezzling and extorting money from her. She was found in contempt, and the judge ordered that she reimburse DH for $250 last year. She also is supposed to pay for half of all unaccompnaied minor fees incurred due to visitation based on a parenting plan that she signed last year. She owes DH $250 for that as well. These are the reimbursements that she was supposed to make that she is referring to as embezzlement.

She wrote this whole thing about how she will deduct several items that he owes her from her debt. First was half of the flight costs for SD to fly to Florida for July 4th weekend and half of the unaccompanied minor fee.  Problem is, BM is only to have weekend visitation in PA when SD is here, so no unaccompanied minor fee. She wants half the flight costs because DH has it deducted from CS because SHE moved her and SD away. So she will not get that either.

The next thing she wants is half of the $50 filing fee for CS modification. DH paid the $50 fee for visitation mods, and she didn't offer to pay half of that. So he will not deduct that either. She also wants half of the $10 fee to get CS mod packets that she could have gotten for free off the internet.

She wants DH to pay for the copay fo SD to go to a social worker once a month ( and not even that often). SD has no diagnosed issues, that DH is aware of and he has not heard anything about her requiring treatment while with us duing the summer. DH thinks that BM is doing this to make him pay for more things as a get back for the modification of visitation. BM is getting her masters in social work and for all we know, SD's councelor is a friend of hers. DH has to pay for all reasonable and necessary medical expenses. DH feels that it is not necessary and it is not a medical expense. (Florida differentiates between medical and psychological care in many of its forms).

She also wants him to pay for half of a school trip that SD went on. He sent the school over $100 for the thing, to try to help SD, now BM wants more. $$$

She dwindled all of what she owes him down to HIM oweing HER $0.66, but she was kind enough to say she doesn't want his money.

Now DH has to threaten to take her to court for the $500 and she will tell SD and SD will be pissed and probably not want to see DH because her mom is a VICTIM of extortion by her dad. BM already told SD that she HAD to see DH or he will take her a$$ to court. BM actually told DH that in a phone call.

Anyway, I have to not seem worried about any of this infront of DH because that upsets him more. It is so hard when you have to keep such upset from the person you confide EVERYTHING in.

Thanks for listening

Ref

[dipper]

I know how you feel about being nervous.  I am sitting here nervous now as dh went to take yss to meet bm halfway and they are bound to exchange words.

Why do these women seem so intent on hurting the dh's again and again?  And its like you said, they dont care how much they hurt the children in the process.  

I dont have any advice - this life of bm's lies is not what I expected when I married.  Sometimes its overwhelming.  But, then to let everything go because of her antics is not going to happen.....she is a jerk.  

Somehow we need to find a way to just say - she is stupid - whenever she does something and not let it take over for a time in our lives.  

Just take deep breaths and focus on something positive.  Meditate, pray....find your peaceful place and hold onto it!

[wendl]

Gotta love these woman all about the money and not the kids. I hate woman like this, I know a few. Hell I moved 500 miles from my ex I PAY for the travel expense, I offered to as I was the one that moved away.

I hate these woman that play oh poor me and get the kids to believe their bs.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[4honor]

1) Stay as succinct as you possibly can. Don't waste emotion or anybody's time in disputing wild allegations. Say, "I am not wasting time answering your wild allegations" then tell it how it is.

2) Don't explain anything to your ex. They don't want to hear it and it just upsets you. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. If they want an explanation they can ask -- twice.

3) If a court order says one thing and it is the last pertinent order... you just stand your ground and file contempt if needed to enforce compliance. Do not negotiate away the rights given you in your order, as teh constant re-negotiation is often detrimental to the child -- they see it as fighting.

4) Do not rant to anyone likely to repeat your rant in front of your child.

5) Maintain a business-like tone in your letters.

6) Ask stupid questions (i.e., Would you agree that the safety of our child is more important than your desire for a trip to Maui?) the kind of things that they would be stupid to answer in writing.

7) Stupid questions should be followed up by stupid assumptions (i.e., I know you intend to follow the current court orders requiring you to.....).

8) Never send a letter that has not been read by 3-5 others. People who can tell you if you are being pulled off track... good, objective, wise people.

[Ref]

Thanks to all of you for your empathy. He mailed the letter overnight today. Tomorrow should be a day pf nerves for me. His letters are always very professional to the point were she will mock him in her letters in response. She finds it very annoying that he doesn't bow to her level. His letters are only read by me. We have had a lot of success checking each other as far as keeping on track. I guess it is part of my profession to have all things relate and in order. I am an auditor.

Wish us luck!

Ref

[Ref]

No, BM did not sign for the FedEx. SD did. We haven't heard anything yet. I just hope SD didn't open the envelope and read the letter. She may have thought it was the tickets for her flight up here. I know, my mind can fill itself with tons of 'what if's". I reread the letter so many times to see how SD might interpret it. I don't think there is anything in there that someone uneffected by this whole situation would see as wrong. On the other hand, DH's refusal to pay for filing fees for CS modification may make him look greedy. DH's insistance on knowing about Kayla's schooling may look like he is trying to be controlling. ARRRGH.

Sorry venting again
ref

[Kboeds]

I first want to say to 4honor that you give great letter writing advice and I should have you read/edit my letters to my ex.

Secondly;
I know every letter I send to BF is read to my DD. He and his wife always show her everything I write so they can twist it to mean what they want. Then selectively show her what they write to me or he calls with all the threats so that DD doesn't know about them, then writes the nice little request letters so that DD thinks he is being all pleasant and I'm being a horses butt.

I don't say anything in my letters that I'm not willing to say to my DD if she ask about it. I asked her back in Feb if her SM had read a letter I sent to her dad and DD said yes. I told her that if she ever wanted to know why I say anything I say, she just needs to ask. DD doesn't need to ask, she knows how I feel already about the situations that are being battled over right now. What she doesn't know is her father has threatened to take me back to court 3 times since Feb for CS modifications and for motion to enforce.

The final papers were just done in Oct of 04.

Thank God I only have 3 1/2 years to put up with this crap.

I know you and DH don't want SD involved but if she opened an envelope that was addressed to her mother or if her mother read the letter to her, then you and DH just need to be prepared to a nicely as possible state your case to her. Why did you say what you said.

Thanks for letting me vent too. LOL
KB