Stepson has serious emotional & behavioral issues

[TJRodolph]

What to do?!

Ever since we finally got a specific parenting time schedule 2 years ago....we have been finding out all kinds of areas the child is doing poorly in. The child is 8 1/2 yrs old. We have known for over a year that he in an all day special ed class, due to his severe emotional and behavior problems, going into 2nd grade, and a year behind for his age.

According to some old therapist records and court papers from the pbfh....the kid did not know the alphabet, how to count or spell his name, the colors, pretty much nothing at all. He still can't read. It is very hard for him to sound out short words, and then he can't even tell you what he just read after he struggled to read a short sentence. Some of the records say that he has ADHD, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and questionable IQ. But his behaviors are so bad and so lacking, that there has to be some other problem. How can we help fix the problem when nobody will tell us exactly what is wrong with the child? it is obvious that he is developmentally delayed...but why? We sent a letter to the school therapist also. Hopefully we will get some feedback from her.

If anyone has remembered any of my previous posts, this is a child whose mother moved him from MN to OH 4 years ago, right after she found out I was dating "dad". No court order or permission, and denied all visitation and all information regarding the child for 3 years until we finally figured out how to get a specific parenting time order. Mom and child have had 13 different addresses since he was born 8 years ago, and the child has been in 3 different schools so far. There is literally no communication between pbfh and dad. Mother is very stubborn, uncooperative, hostile, vengeful. Its quite possible she has mental issues herself. Anytime we make a suggestion that is reasonable and in the best interest of the child, she gets very defensive as if this whole thing is about her.

We had the child last summer, but mother did not send him with any ADHD meds....and since we had just received medical records that were fairly new, we just took the kid to our own doctor, who wrote a prescription for his ADHD meds off the other doctor's order. That order said for child to take one pill, every day.

When child went home a month later, mother found out we got the ADHD meds and had a fit! She does not want the child on meds except when he is at school.

We had the child this summer for 6 weeks. No meds again. We called the Dr in Ohio, who said he writes the prescriptions based on what the parents want, and since mom has full legal and physical custody...and stated to him that child only needs meds for school. We sent him a copy of the letter listing all the bad behavior so he can make a better recommendation to the mom as to what the dosage of his meds should be.

Child had HORRIBLE behavior this summer. Very dangerous behavior to himself, others and property. He needs constant supervision as if he was a toddler. Seriously. You have to phyiscally look at him at least every 5 minutes or he gets into something. He needs constant stimulation.

He steals, refuses to tell the truth, plays with lighters and burning things, plays with knives, runs out in the busy street without even looking while someone was hollaring at him to stop, runs up to strangers and just starts talking to them like they are his friend, makes embarassing comments in public, and acts like a child who is only 4 years old. He found a lighter in the house, and was caught burning a feather duster. had the big talk with him about how dangerous it was, and then hid all the lighters. He was caught with lights FIVE more times, and burnt holes in the couch, a blanket, burned plastic on light bulbs, tore off tops of big plants, broke the remote controls, stole all the batteries and tried to open them, tried flushing burnt toilet paper down the toilet and caused it to flood through the floor to the basement and ruining a bunch of electronics that were down there, keeps stealing things from people's bedrooms, hides things under his pillow and bed DAILY, sometimes insignificant things like a paper clip, or a rubberband or batteries, (or the pocket knife he stole and lighters)....and lies, lies lies. Even insists that he is telling the truth while being punished. We had him move logs outside, took him SIX hours to do it, and he got in trouble again the same day. He spent most of his 6 weeks being disciplined. And I honestly think the kid just doesn't get it. It was very hard for dad, as he did not want to spend his visitation disciplining the child the whole time.

Dad to spoke to mom, and she admitted having a lying and stealing problem with him. Talked to mom again right after kid got on the plane, recommending she take him for a case study, to rule out any mental illness, and to check his IQ, and to have him take his meds on weekends and during the summer too. She said she would NOT do that, as she doesn't have these problems at HER house. Now SHE is lying, she has already admitted, and in writing to a lot of these problems, and so have his teachers at school.

My question is.......how can we get the child help that he really needs, if the mother won't do it. Mind you, mother had full legal and physical custody, and lives in a different state. So dad only gets a week of parenting time 3 times a year and then 6 weeks in summer. The child is on our own medical insurance and we can certainly get him in for testing and counseling while here, but he needs ROUTINE therapy.

We have to do something because I do not want that child back in my house unless he is on meds. He caused so much damage this summer and it is scarey to think he could have burned our house down, or caused major flood damage, or physically hurts himself or others.

Can we file a motion to get mother ordered to put child through a case study for mental illness and IQ testing?

[Sherry1]

He sounds like he has a learning disability coupled with ADHD and probably Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).  Sadly, as with my YSS who is diagnosed with ADHD & ODD, he will probably commit a juvenile felony.  YSS committed juvenile felony at 12 years old and has broken parole a couple of times.  He is in the custody of his mother, so DH wasn't held liable for anything.  BM had to pay restitution to the tune of $7000.  Really nothing can happen until BM wakes up and smells the coffee.  If she is like our BM, she won't until it is too late and he is too old to help.

[kaylene99]

Hi there,

Sadly, I agree with Sherry1.  My SS has ADHD and it's just tough for us, too, especially since we don't see him as much as we would like.  When he is with us for an extended amount of time like summer, we struggle with behavior and discipline issues, talking back, lying, not wanting to do chores, antagonizing siblings, etc.  We do our very best to teach him the right ways and raise him properly while he is in our care.  The truth is, every good thing we do gets undone as soon as he gets back to his mother simply because she does not run her household the same way we run ours.  There doesn't seem to be any structure or routine or proper disciplining/teaching going on there so where does that leave my SS?

It's VERY SAD and DISTURBING indeed but our hands are tied as they are.  We can only focus on what we can control and try our best every single time our kids are with us.  Maybe in the end, they'd learn a thing or two from us.

[TJRodolph]

I totally agree. The kid goes back to mom's home where the routine is not run like it is at our house. So it seems the kid will never actually benefit from our style of life. I also feel like our hands are tied.

It really is very hard for all of us, as we would like to have some enjoyment spending time with the child, but since we have to supervise him as if he were a toddler it gets very frustrating. Not to mention I worry when I am away from home that my teenage kids aren't really paying CLOSE attention to everything he does. What if he really does burn my house down, or seriously injurs himself or others?

Isn't there something, or SOME agency who can do anything? I know calling Child Protective Services won't help, as they will not find any immediate grave danger so will do nothing. And what the heck would we file on a motion to see the judge for? Maybe for custody reversal? Actually, as much work as this kid is going to need, I honestly do not even want full custody anymore. I don't think I could handle it. Plus we would have to do it all Pro Se so we would probably lose anyhow.

All we can do now is keep in contact with the school teacher and school therapist and keep the kid's doctor informed of his behaviors and our concerns....and hopefully one of those professionals will recommend and suggest to the mom a correct plan of action to fix this kid.

[Sherry1]

undo the bad parenting that has got him to this point.  Like I said, he will probably commit a crime and that will bring in professionals, i.e., judge, parole officer, counseling, etc. that might help him.

[kaylene99]

My suggestion is to just keep a very close eye on him when he's with you guys.  Explain to the teenage kids the situation and necessity to keep a close eye on SS to ensure everyone's safety including his.  Accidents do happen but you can prevent most, if not all.

I don't remember if your SS is seeing a psychiatrist/therapist but you may want to look into that while he's with you guys.  You can try a behavioral modification therapy for him.  Then again, this treatment does need consistency and commitment from home.  If he's not with you a lot of time to where this can be enforced, then I'm afraid it won't really do a whole lot of good.  

Just keep doing what you think is best for this child and PRAY for guidance and progress as well.  It is very tough indeed.  

[TJRodolph]

I'm sad to say, but I think you are right. I think it will take this kid committing a crime before anyone MAKES the mother get him the help he needs.

Now what happens when this kid gets in trouble, but nobody notifies dad? The BM will certainly not call, for fear that dad will try to get custody of him (and that would take away her child support money and make HER have to pay him!) Just like when the BM was reported for child abuse a few years ago by the school district in OH....we only found out because it is mentioned in the therapist records, and then we asked the BM and all she keeps saying is that it was unfounded and that we are trying to make her look bad. Don't know the circumstances around it, the investigation....didn't even know it happened till about 2 years later.

We get the kid for 6 weeks over summer. I guess next summer we could schedule the kid to have tests and get him into counseling for those 6 weeks.....but again, no continuity. Different rules in OH and MN.

[Sherry1]

unless the parent has sole custody.  Trust me, your BM will notify your DH if the child is arrested because she will be out tons of money between restitution and monthly parole costs.  Our BM had to pay restitution to the tune of $7000 for YSS's activities which equated to about $350/mo plus she had to pay between $50-$100/mo for parole costs.  The state that YSS committed his juvie activities only holds the parent who has control and/or custody of the child responsible.  She legally could not come after DH for part of the money, but she tried :P!

[TJRodolph]

Well, we were able to take child to a therapist last summer.....but didn't feel that lady did any good at all. The kid only went 3 times. The kid is under my insurance, so I just book the appt, made Dad take him in the 1st time, and I even brought him in to the doc myself. No one ever questioned me about legality of who had custody or for me being stepmom bringing the child in, and I suppose maybe because the insurance is My insurance. I am the one who brought him to our regular Dr....and showed him copies of medical record from Ohio (that was only 2 months old) showing what ADHD meds the kid was on, and he wrote a prescription based off that.....but he said he would only do it that one time last summer. So we didn't have any bad behavior from the kid last summer. But this summer, no meds and HORRIBLE behavior. I will make sure to have appts already set up for next summer.

I wonder if Ohio only holds the custodial parent liable if kid does something bad. Right now, the kid doesn't get any opportunity to do any crime, as his mom works 12 hours shifts, 4 days in a row and during that time the grandfather babysits.....and the kid says he has to stay in his bedroom with a tv the whole time. Has to ask to come out and use the bathroom and get a drink of water. Sounds like grandpa doesn't want to deal with the behavior. Or.....the kid is always lying so who knows what is the truth. The mother rarely takes him anywhere, and keeps a SUPER tight leash on him. Most of the kid's opportunity happens when he is at school, hence his bad rep for behavior there.

Lucky you guys didn't get stuck with that $7000 restitution!

[Sherry1]

I had to take the role of disengaging.  DH had custody of my YSS for a couple of years when he was 7 and 8.  It was really bad.  Mom had frequent visits which made it even worse.  We took one step forward, then after visits with mom 2 steps back.  Mom wanted him back so bad that she encouraged his bad behavior.  We finally had to let him go back to mom.  He commited his juvenile felony six months after returning to mom... Thank God, DH had signed off on her having custody before that happened.