Hello... new and would like advice

[catholicmom]

Hi! I've read through this board and it seems like a good place to talk.  

I had a brief fling last summer with my former boss and ended up pregnant. The father refused to believe that he could be the father. According to him, he had a vasectomy and I supposedly had sex with lots of men. When I tried to reason with him, he said threatening things like "I'll just let you suffer for nine months, then I'm taking the kid." At that point, I decided that he was bad news and requested a transfer to another store. Gossip, plus my sudden request for a transfer, got him investigated and ultimately fired. I'm sure he blames me for it. I had no desire to get him in trouble, I just wanted to get away from him.

So, I had the baby two weeks ago. He's beautiful! I am quite happy to be a mother (this is my first child.)

I'd initially planned to simply leave that man out of my life. I was afraid of him, I guess. Afraid he'd make things unpleasant for us. Now, however, I think differently. For one thing, I think my son has a right to know his father at least on some level. I also think his father has a right to know him. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Finally, I believe that he is financially responsible. I'm not sure how much money he should pay, but it should be something. I don't want it out of spite or anything, just because it seems to be the right thing.

So, I went ahead and tried to contact him. I do believe he has left the area - he moved here for the job, so why stay here - and I only have one small way of reaching him - his son's email address. His grown son once emailed me something long ago and I still have the address. So, I wrote a brief email and politely asked his son to please pass along a message. I included some photos and politely said (names have been changed)

"'Junior':

I'm sorry, but I have no other way of reaching your father. I just happened to still have your email address in my inbox. If possible, could you please pass this along to your father?

Thank you,


Dear "Daddy":

I have attached some photos of "My Son", who was born on May 18th. He is your biological son. I feel that I have an ethical obligation both to you and to him to tell you that he exists.

He is a very beautiful baby, as you can see. Those photos were taken when he was four days old. Yesterday, he turned two weeks old and today he had his first appointment at the pediatrician. He was born weighing 9lbs, 5oz. Today, he weighed 10lbs, 4oz. He seems to be in fantastic health and is a very sweet baby.

I can still be reached at the same phone number: 555-555-5555. If you want to talk, then please feel free to call at any time. I would like to hear what role you want to have in your son's life.

I hope this message finds you and "your grown son" happy and healthy."

I don't expect to hear anything back on this. That was several days ago and he there has been no response.
I don't think he really wants custody. My guess is that he'll threaten such things in order to scare me away. Therefor, I intend to urge joint custody. I don't think he's a dangerous man, and I don't mind saying "Joint custody would be wonderful!" I believe he lives some distance away and won't go to too much trouble to actually see his son. If he does, that's great.

So, what sort of dirty tricks must I be prepared for? I live in Ohio. I am fairly sure that he can be located by the court and ordered to appear. He'll insist on a DNA test, and I agree that that is a good idea. Why have any lingering doubts? I don't expect any particular sum of money, but I do intend to go through the process.

Is there anything I should be aware of? What can a man do if he's determined to be difficult?

Thanks for your input.

 

[Kitty C.]

For the most part, I commend you on your outlook with this situation.  There's only one statement I have problems with:

'Finally, I believe that he is financially responsible. I'm not sure how much money he should pay, but it should be something. I don't want it out of spite or anything, just because it seems to be the right thing.'

HE is not financially responsible, you BOTH are.  Equally.  As far as custody is concerned, someone has to initiate it by filing the petition.  You are right, in that he probably will request DNA testing, which should be a matter of course.  If he lives a good distance away from you, you will find sample parenting plans on this site that makes allowances for that.

Also remember that there's TWO kinds of custody:  legal and physical.  I strongly recommend joint legal, as it is very important that BOTH parents be involved in the major decisions needed to be made in a child's life.  As for physicla, a lot will depend on how far away the father lives and how actively involved he can be in the child's life.  Best case scenario is 50/50, but it won't work unless both parents are local and can co-parent effectively.

As for infants, there's no reason why there cannot be overnight parenting times with the father, even if you are breastfeeding.  There are breast pumps and it can be frozen, but NO parent should be denied the opportunity to watch their child grow and start discovering the world around them and there's a LOT of that going on during infancy.  Many firsts that many fathers never have the opportunity to participate in.  

Another thing to remember as you go thru this, don't just plan for his infancy, take into consideration how things will change when he starts school (shifts in days and times for exchanges, etc.).  Try to plan it for the entire minority of the child's life.  You don't want to be running back to court every few years because circumstances have changed.  Anticipate it and plan for it ahead of time.

Also, when you do your parenting plan, make it VERY concise, do NOT give generalizations like 'Father has visitation from Friday evening to Sunday evening'.  Set specific dates and times so there is NO question or leaving it open for interpretation.

 But above all else, be flexible.  You may not like him, but your child is a different matter.  You have to put your personal feelings aside and focus ONLY on the best interest of the child, and that is for him to have equal, uninhibitted access to BOTH parents.  Once you have a parenting plan in place and it's ordered by the court (and you can get along for the sake of the child), use it only as a general guideline.  If the father has some family or other event that he wants the child to participate in, and it's not during his parenting time, allow the child to go if it doesn't infringe upon anything else important, like school.  This should also go both ways.  

And if the child wants to participate in activities that would inpinge on the father's time, ASK the father first about how he feels about child's participation, before you arbitrarily sign him up.  That way, the decision is mutual and there are no hard feelings.  You cannot dictate to him what he can do with the child on his time any more than he can dictate the same to you.

One thing I STRONGLY suggest you DON'T push for (unless it's mutually agreed upon) is to force the father to help pay for college expenses.  If the govt. cannot legally demand that parents of intact families to pay for their children's education, neither should those who are separated.  Hopefully it will be something you can work out, but if not, there's plenty of grant's scholarships, and student loans available, too.

I know I've left a lot of things out, so you can tell you've got your work cut out for you.  I know there will be others who will offer more as well.  Read everything you can on this site, too.  It's an invaluable resource that emphasizes active participation by both parents and keeps the best interests of the child first and foremost.  Good luck and let us know what happens!  

[catholicmom]

>For the most part, I commend you on your outlook with this
>situation.  There's only one statement I have problems with:
>
>'Finally, I believe that he is financially responsible. I'm
>not sure how much money he should pay, but it should be
>something. I don't want it out of spite or anything, just
>because it seems to be the right thing.'
>
>HE is not financially responsible, you BOTH are.  Equally.  

Naturally, I consider myself financially responsible. I mean only that he has a financial obligation to his offspring.

As for "equally" - well, I rather doubt that it will play out that way. From what I hear, many non-custodial fathers pay less than $200 a month in support. Furthermore, I fully expect that *I* will be the one who stays up all night when he's sick, does all the daily stuff, etc.

As I said, if his father has a sincere interest in joint custody, then I believe that that is the right thing. I have only very mild reservations about it: I'd prefer that he not smoke around the baby, and I do worry a bit because his other (grown) children aren't exactly great successes in life. I may have screwed up a lot in my life, but I have certain expectations of education and such. However, I don't think that either of these reservations are sufficient reason to avoid contact. But, it does scare me - to think of relinquishing control to a man I really barely know.

I want to avoid enmity and nastiness. I dread the idea of fighting. I fear something like being falsely accussed of nonsense just to make me miserable. I keep my nose very clean (no partying, don't have a boyfriend, go to Mass daily when possible) and I intend to be as kind as I possibly can. I am pretty sure that it's nearly impossible to TAKE my son from me. But, what might he try if his intent is to be disagreeable?

[janM]

Kitty is right about everything, including that he will have to file in order to have any rights to the child. You don't have to file anything unless it's for child support, and you can do that through CSEA (child support enforcement agency). The amount is based on both parent's incomes and other factors. In Ohio, as in most states, a single mom has automatic custody and dad has to go to court to establish his rights.

If he does file for custody/parenting time, you can write up a parenting plan (see the articles here) and try to include a clause on him not smoking in the house, but it could be very hard to prove or enforce.

And, congrats!

[richiejay]

 I am fairly sure that he can be located by the court
>and ordered to appear. >
>

If you believe this....then why drag the man's other son into this?  Totally unfair to this kid...totally.  Why not..."Have your father contact me...it's kind of an emergency".....???

[catholicmom]

Because he and his son are "best friends" and roommates and his son has already been quite liberal in his input of opinion. Trust me, the son is not at all offended and would have been sitting RIGHT THERE in the room had I been able to locate himin person. Also, because I feel certain that a request to be contacted would be absolutely ignored, and I just had to tell him - not ask for an opportunity to tell him.

I only emailed at all in order to have made the gesture to be civil. I don't think it's very nice to just get a letter from some court. At least I've tried to be decent and give him the opportunity to voluntarily do the right thing. I fully expect to be ignored, but at least I'm going through the motions.

I agree that it's not very classy to go through his son, but it's really the ONLY means I have of reaching him, and I'd rather do that than just have him get some unpleasant letter from a court.

Now, of course, I can go through the courts and the outcome will be the same, but I believe in at least trying.

[catholicmom]

I am now worried that I've opened a "can of worms." By inviting his father into our lives, I'm losing absolute control! Remember, this is a man I don't really know that well. I have reason to think that he may be at least somewhat bad, even.

I fear things like kidnapping or abuse at least on some level, not for any specific reason, but because I'm a mom and I don't know this man.

I also worry that this guy may try to fight dirty. I hope that by being only kind and civil, I can avert that. I pray to St. Joseph about this and I hope to never lose my temper or get caught up in any head games. But, I hear terrible stories.

Now, my cousin has joint custody with his ex and she is a true piece of work. As in, she has joined a gang of white supremacists (and has the swatchstika on her neck to prove it), she lives with various drug dealers, she smokes crack and takes oxycontin by the fistful, etc. My aunt assures me that it is not that easy to win custody away from a mother, since this woman is clearly bad news and yet the courts don't move on it. That makes me feel a little less frightened, but I still worry.

I used to be quite a partyer and I had a rambuncious lifestyle. My son's father knows some of those details. I'm sure he'll try to use them in court. Something tells me, however, that the judge just hears "blah, blah, blah... I don't like her... blah, blah, blah" and pays little attention to even the most lurid accusations. I'm hoping that if I keep my nose clean now and always walk the straight and narrow, I should be OK. Is that the case?

[janM]

Your ex would have to have solid proof of either criminal activity or substantiated abuse on the child. As long as you are law-abiding now, the court doesn't care about "hearsay".

If he does ask for visitation, if you are unsure of his character, you can ask for a Guardian ad Litem or a custody evaluator who will check out his background, home, and people close to him and make a recommendation to the court. This is someone who speaks for the child in court (if they do their job well). They will also check you out. If you always take the "high road" in your dealings with dad, you will be fine.

[StPaulieGirl]

You cannot make someone parent their child if they don't want to.  A DNA test is imperative in this case.  

You don't have to worry about custody.  He's already shown how interested he is in parenting this child.  It's going to be hard to explain to your boy when he gets older, but you can do it.  Little white lies....

Btw, congratualations on the birth of your baby boy ;-)

[lacunar]

It natural to be afraid, but since you proclaim yourself as Catholic, then I will give you some words to cling to form the New Testament: "Perfect love drives out all fear."  I would tell you the book and chapter, but cannot recall it at the moment.  

You have so much going on that you should try to hope for the best while not neglecting the need to learn your legal rights.  Being unmarried, your arte presumed the custodial parent and the father has to show a genuine interest in the child before he would get a court decision that was much more than the standard (but limited) EOW and one night per week partial custody order.  

He should be able to get joint legal custody, and yet practically speaking this means you will have final say in many decison since you will be the primary physical custodian.  Yet, making decisons mustaully is the ideal you should be strving for, and you should certainly keep him informed of all medical, educational, child care, etc decisons that are being made with copies of all records being sent to him.  

The fact is, one you establish he is the father, he has parental rights.  You cannot chnage that unless he would decide to surrender those rights (and hgis support obligations).  Its too late to decide who you want to parent this child with.  That decison was made already, and now you are blessed with a child.

One thing that most parents hate is the sense of a loss of control, and I think this is what drives many custodial parents to resist the attempts of non custodial parents to be more involved in their children's lives.  However, one of the most important things that a parent has to learn is that they cannot control everything, and as the child matures the parent has less and less that they can control.  The best thing you can do as a Chrsitian is to accpet that ultimately God is in control, and to trust in that.  

Peace be with you.

[catholicmom]

I think you make a great point about the fear of losing control. It's really not at all a trivial concern... and it takes a lot of strength to keep that fear from poisoning everything we do.

I try to pray for my son's father. I think it's really important to do so. I would recommend that anyone who has animosity towards their ex pray for them. And I mean to say that we should pray for them in a very positive way. We should pray that they are blessed in every way and made happy. This helps us to let go of our animosity.

Also, I try to pray to St. Joseph about the parenting issues. I'm pretty sure his father won't do anything catastrophically bad, and I can only pray that we both do what is BEST for our son. St. Joseph is good to pray to because he was chosen by God to be the custodial parent of Our Lord, and is therefor the ultimate model of fatherhood.

[rainbow1]

Sounds like you don't really trust this guy. Maybe you should consider asking him to terminate his parental rights. Might save you and your son a lot of trouble and heart ache down the line.

[jilly]

LOL...I WISH my hubby paid less than $200 a month in child support!! Forgive me for laughing because you are obviously new to this whole "culture", but it just shows what the "average" person believes about child support.

My hubby has 2 children (both by different women). We have a 2 year old daughter. He pays almost $1,000 a month in child support. I know that this is "small" compared to what some people pay, but for us it's a huge amount.

Congratulations on the birth of your son!

[kiddosmom]

A parent cannot 'teminate' their parental rights unless there is someone there to step up and take the responcibility ie: adoption.

You can file in court for sole custody, but that will be hard unless the father agrees.
A parent can give up his / her rights to visit child/ren but they cannot give up the support obligation unless as above another is ther to take up that responcibility.