Narcissist's wife speaks out

[bluegarden]

Hello,
I am new here but wished to thank everyone in advance for taking the time to read this post and respond accordingly.

Housewife with 3 boys, 10 and under is my title.  Unfortunately having my amazing children had to be a trade off for being married to the ultimate narcissist.   Without giving you a sad story, allow me to go straight into my present situation:
1- Finally decided to file for a divorce after 10+ years of marriage (haven't filed yet)
2-My husband will go full force after the custoday of the children
3-He owns a comapany that does over 5 million/year in sales, yet gives me $200.00/week without access to any accounts or credit cards
4-Everything that he owns is in his mother's name, doesn't even have a checking account in his name
5-I just happened to remember my own credit cards from before and that is how I am going to pay the attorney

That is a thumb nail sketch of my situation.  He has told me before that if I ever left him, not only would I loose the children but also I would be left with his debt from his old company which he walked away from.

He is taking us on a trip to Europe and the middle east to visit his family,(yes he spends money) on the 30th.  I have talked to one lawyer and have another appointment tommorrw.  I am not scared but worried, I know with his money he will find the best attorney.  I really want to file before we leave, but don't know if that is the right step to take.

Do you have any suggestions?  By the way, he keeps all bills,receipts and paperwork in his office.  Should I go to his office and try to make copies of documents?   While overseas at this parents, could I have a recored conversation with his mother who does not speak English and is being supported by him to get he to say that she does not own his company?

I apologize for the length of this post, I am in a state of oblivion so I am shouting as loud as I can.

bluegarden

[msjanbo]

First off - don't worry about the lawyer's fees - if HE has the $$, he'll end up paying in the end (at least, that's the way most courts work).  I'm not certain, but he may have to pay outright or reimburse you for expenses paid to date.

Second - what were you thinking by allowing him to PROHIBIT you access to your accounts?  Even though you aren't working (sounds like you are a stay at home mom?), you are still entitled to spend money - and I'm not talking a measly $200 week!

Third - what about the house, bank accounts, credit cards - are they all in his mom's name too?  The laws vary by state, but irregardless, these things may still be considered "marital property", UNLESS he can prove that mommy paid for them and not him just putting things in her name to "hide" assets".

Fourth - the debt from his old company is HIS debt - NOT yours, NEVER will be.  Even if you were married - you weren't working, he was the bread winner, it's HIS responsibility.  Let him tell you until he's blue in the face that he'll dump it on you - you know better!

Fifth - make copies of EVERYTHING you possibly can.  Since you have chosen to sit back this long and let him handle everything, keeping yourself in the dark, don't waste another minute!  Sorry if this sounds harsh, but my god, what were you thinking?!?!?  I'd NEVER let a man do that to me - period, no excuses.

I'd wait to file until you get some copies of records (if you can).  Once you let the cat outta the bag, he'll be on his guard and might destroy or hide them.  Get what you can BEFORE he has a chance to do that, and THEN file.

GL

[CustodyIQ]

I agree that you shouldn't worry too much about money at this point.

A few questions...

Which parent has mostly taken care of the kids for the past year?

Do you have any family member in town who would let you and the kids move in?

How big is your town?

Is your husband a violent man, or just a control freak?

[bluegarden]

Thank you both for the replies.  To the author of "Well, you are in a jam" I must say that psychological brain washing and contro, strips you from all of your goals, aspirations and needs.  I had virtually turned into an extension of my husband's existance. I am not stupid by any means, just for the record.

To answere your questions, I have been the parent taking care of the kids, helping my son turn his D grades into A's, going to all school functions, after school classes and etc..
I do have a brother here but I am hoping to get my husband to leave.  We live in the suburbs of Los Angeles, in an up scale, quiet gated community.
My husband is not voilent, or I should say has not been up to this point.  In my opinion, it has alot to do with his fear from authorities..

blue

[4honor]

Since you are not being abused and you are alowed to live in a nice house with good food to eat and your only STATED problem is that he is narcissistic and a control freak with the money...

get yourself some counseling and bide your time.

Look at it this way, he may not be all that you want him to be but he is probably the same guy you married. What has changed that you feel the need to leave now?

The divorce you are contemplating will be far more damaging to your children than you would wish on your worst enemy (or any PBFH for that matter.) It sounds as if you are dealing with a middle eastern culture. The likelihood of you getting an order quick enough to keep your kids off a plane to your husband's home country is slim to none.

The STATED reasons for wanting a divorce do not rise to a level that I would counsel you to leave.

Is he a US citizen (not clear from your post)? Wait until the last child graduates and then reassess. Get a degree in accounting and assist your husband in his business over the next few years while the children are in school. Then you will know where you stand should you decide to leave when the last graduates.

If you were truly being abused I would counsel you other than I have, but I will not suggest that you forsake your vows (in good times and bad) and tear your children apart in what is sure to become an international custody battle given the facts presented. You will likely lose them to a non-extradition country.

I honestly believe you will lose your children if not your life should you file for divorce of this man while your chidlren are young. You do not mention any abuse and admit that you get $11,000.00 a year to "play" with, but that he takes care of everything else.

I repeat. Bide your time and reassess this after your children are out of the picture.

[FL_48603]

>I am new here but wished to thank everyone in advance for
taking the time to read this post and respond accordingly.<

My posts are rediculous in length sometimes, usually because I enter this place with the presumtion that people where will give a damn and want to help.  This is exactly why I am answering your post.

>Housewife with 3 boys, 10 and under is my title.<

What do you mean "title"?  Do you have joint custody?
 
>Unfortunately having my amazing children had to be a trade off
for being married to the ultimate narcissist.<

Do you use narcissist asa personal jibe, or do you hace a documented diagnosis detailing narcissistic tendencies?  I ask because the first can be used against you as statement unbecoming with intent to alienate if entered into court.

So much for FREE SPEECH.

>5-I just happened to remember my own credit cards from before
and that is how I am going to pay the attorney<

This is not intended to be legal advice, howeve, having spent 5 years fighting 5 times as hard to get half the distance in protecting my parental rights against my ex's father (also her lawyer).

In the time I have chased my parental rights, the one thing I have heard over and over from lawyers and end-users alike is:

"He [She] who FILES FIRST wins."

>He has told me before that if I ever left him, not only would I loose the
children but also I would be left with his debt from his old company which he walked away from.<

Do what is BEST no convenient for the kids - and don't buy into threats.  His does not sound legally founded.  For this kind of advice you should turn to financial advisors.

>He is taking us on a trip to Europe and the middle east to visit his family,(yes he spends money) on the 30th.<

If it were me, I would refrain from allowing the children to enter a foreign counrty (particularly in The Middle East which favors the father over the mother by cultural dispossition) without etching protective order in stone - in fact I would not permit the trip p e r i o d.

>I really want to file before we leave, but don't know if that is the right step to take.<

Better to do too much and not need t than to do too little and need it.

>By the way, he keeps all bills,receipts and paperwork in his office.  Should I go to his office and try to make copies of documents?<

You can subpoena these documents which would pose a better argument for your case than if you get caught doing anything which could be miscontrued as your breaching the law.

>could I have a recored conversation with his mother who does not speak English and is being supported by him to get he to say that she does not own his company?<

Too much trouble for too little impact.  Your case might be better served by showing that he is devisively using the mother in order to evade his ordered responsabilites.

"Action = Nirvana; Hesitation = Oblivion"     ---Sun Tzu "The Art of War"

[bluegarden]

Fl, my thoughts seemed far more clear to myself even,  being seperated and replied to one by one.  I did file before the trip yet kept it to myself the entire time we were gone.  
If I were a pet with two basic needs for food and shelter and (money/toys to play with as the other author put it), then yes I'd be in heaven.  But I am a being with far more sophisticated psychological needs and desires.
He will get served tonight, don't know about the difficulties of the road I'm taking but know that I am moving in some direction and that alone means alot to me.

[gipsy]

My self or no person on this site can guess the extent : Or lack of the extent : Of the issues that make you want a divorce : Divorce to me is a choice you have to make ! All the input you get from every person on this site including me Is purley based on YOUR SIDE of the story , And as for Me My side is right and SHE is the jerk thats why, I  Filed for divorce , And I am done period , That is MY choice , The rest of the choice is a big legal problem , And Maybe you could hope to try to get out easily , And do the least to hurt the children , But ONE QUESTION , That was common with Atty's and , The legal service person that served her was , "Does she want the divorce"? and the answer was "NO' And there repsonce was " she will fight you all the way " And she did, but it is over now. And I have no question in My mind : I am Happy without her ! I feel much better ;
  remmember this is your choice !

[bluegarden]

 Either I have lost the talent of expressing myself or I just go on assuming that listeneres/readers have the ability to comprehend the deeper side of issues.

Sir/madom, what I wrote was a brief discription of my financial situation so that I could get some advice based on my limitations.  I am not a shallow person who leaves her husband for money.  On the contrary, it is the person who holds on to money and hides it from his loved ones who is shallow and materialistic.

I did not think that I had to give a full description of why I was seeking divorce. To me my reasons are far too personal and dear, to be discussed with complete strangers who could care less about how I feel.  I will never belittle my feelings in such  a way.   This is a board for practical problems and solutions, and that is exactly what I put on the table.

Your post contains plenty of things to do and not to do.  How do you do it? I find it difficult to tell my closest friends what to do with their life, when I'm asked for my opinion on certain subjects.  

I know you mean well,  but sometimes it is best to keep that PARENT personality deep inside of you,you know the one with all the should and shouldn'ts.  

[jilly]

Got to wonder who the narcissist is here.