How do you feel about your child's step parents??

[caringstepmom]

I am sure there are some hard feelings towards them, but here is are my thoughts:
I definitely look at my involvement with step child is that I have a right to have communication and decisions regarding him when he is at my house.
I also feel that a SP's should be allowed to speak with a birth parent (CP) regarding the child.
I don't understand why it's one sided when it comes to SP.
I always hear people say: it's between me and the ex...
or do not speak to me regarding my child, my ex can...
or something to that effect.
Well, the way I look at it, is I have established a relationship with this child, and I am the child's stepmother.
When he is in my home, I am an authority figure.
Everyone always says that step parents have no input in the child's life, and that they should know this when they marry their spouse, but how about the argument that a birth parent should know a possible step will help raise their child after they divorce?
Just wanted to hear everyone elses opinions on it, birth parents or step parents.
In my opinion, neither party ASKED for the situation, but both parties still love the child.

[charlie967]

If the step-parent is loving and caring to the child, why not like them?  I have a step-mother who I love just as much as my mom and dad.  To me, as long as my son's step-mom or step-girlfriend  LOL is good to him, I have no problem with her at all.  If she wants to talk with me about him that's fine also. She has never talked to me about him but we do talk casually when we see eachother.  My son has been raised by my husband since he was 8 months old so that is his father figure at home.  BF had supervised visitation until DS was almost 3. Now, my husband does not like BF because of the way he has treated DS and me and they way he continues to take advantage of my niceness and the system. I'm sure DS's step-mom has feelings like that towards me but she doesn't show them anymore.  I don't blame the step-parents for having feelings like that because it's hard on them too. But they knew what they were getting involved in also.  So I can see it both ways. Especially if the parent and the step-parent have a child together.  I personally don't agree that the step-parents don't have a say in the child's life.  They are part of the family too. Now I think it would be different if there was a new step-mother/father every year or so LOL but step-parents are parents to in my eyes.  Sometimes step-parents can be a great outside view on a situation.  I know my husband has really helped me in my thoughts and how to rethink a situation before I react.

We try and keep everything simple meaning what happens at his house is their business and what happens at my house is our business unless it becomes a danger to DS.  Sure there are things that really annoy me like clothing not coming back or him taking DS early when it's his parenting time and not doing the favor of returning him early but in the long scheme of things, that's petty.  It's the things that effect DS health wise etc...that get me upset.  

So I guess basically I'm saying if the step-parent is a added benefit to the family dynamics then it's great. I would much rather have someone who loves my child and help his BF in raising him than someone who ignored him, abused him etc... But I do know that some times some step-parents aren't that way.  But that goes both ways.  There are CPs that are just as bad too.  

[wendl]

Well I am a stepmom and  CP. My son does not have a stepparent, but I did growing up.

In our house my husband and I JOINTLY make the decisions, if he is not home then it is what I say.

I feel the same as you do, my stepsons mom used to talk to me. One time I asked her something and she said it was NONE of my business (I just needed to know if they were on state medical, my dh was liad off and I was tying to get him insurance and they needed to know) Anyways she told me I only need to conern myself with my child and my dh. Well hmmmmm what affects my dh affects me and my child and therefore certain things are partially my concern. BUT when she wanted extra money for the kids sports she had NO problem calling me (as I made more money than dh) Funny how that works huh.

I think a lot of moms feel like a stepmom is trying to take their place (talk about insecure, in reality by doing this it will actually push the kids to the stepmom--at least it did with me when my mom acted so childest with my stepmom.

Just remember the kids will see and learn and know later in life.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Bradley]

WIFE OF BRADLEY I have the t-shirt as the most unappreciated step parent in texas. I have been around for 3 years. I have taken my step daughter to the dentist every time except once, gotten her hair cut, paid for extra curricular activities, taken care of the x-wifes other child, made homecoming mums, paid for half school supplies registered her for school 2 years and summer camp. Now all of a sudden I am not allowed to talk to the x wife or her family, I am evil, can't come to meet the teacher night but did anyway. The x=wife is trying to take my husband back to court for calling his own daughter and that I am harrassing her and she doesnt want us to cut her hair or inroll her in any extra curricular activities. WHat ever! The ex wife is the one who has had several live in boyfriends and walks a fine line of verbal abuse.

[backwardsbike]

Boy, this is a whole can of worms for me.  I am a NCM.  When my X got together with the current Sm I invited her to mediation. She left in a huff when the mediator suggested that they were'nt HER children. I invited her to have coffee with me. She turned me down cold.

 I encouraged the kids to have respect for her.  When they complained becasue her behavior wasn't worthy of respect I encourged them to realize that when soeone is mean to you it is usually more about them than you.  I encouraged them to give her hugs when she seemed down/angry etc.  I reminded them to always repsect her, no matter what, that as thier dad's wife she had a place in thier home and family.

The X and SM took custody of the kids from me.  Sm became a real idiot.  She encouraged the children to lie to authorities to cover her poor behavior. She constantly tells the children that I lie ( I do not and my attorney tells me I'm too honest!).

She wrote me a bilstering email because I contacted the X about a school related issue on the email account he gave the school to use.  I had been using a different addy but he wouldn't check it or at least not aknowledge that he got the email I sent to that one.  In it she threatened me saying "We will have BIG ISSUES" if I continue to use that account to contact the kid's dad becasue it is HER personal account.

The list goes on and on.  She is a prim alienator and both children have ben hurt by her hateful demeanor and constant criticism.  But they feel they have to stay in the house to support thier dad.  Yeah, that's how sick it is.

I don't have a very high regard for my kid's SM.  Ihad hoped for a ally in raising them.  I wanted to build a relationship with her.  But that is not to happen.  My youngest is 13.  Ihave five more years and then I will celebrate because I will never have to deal with th e woman again, except across a room during weddings etc.

[Sunshine1]

YAAAAAAAaaaa, this subject is a good one.  I couldn't wait for BF to get married to someone else and to move on.  i was excited in having some more "help" beyond what BF was doing, and that SM and I would be pals....hey a girl can dream can't she?  LOL

I got Lucifer's demon child instead.  One week after of wedded bliss between the BF and his wife all hell broke loose and I was never to contact BF again for any reason whatsoever unless it was through her.  Whooaa, WTF??  Come to find out SM concealed that she has a bi-polar disorder, and thought BF would leaver her is she told him. Umm pretty sure he would have, but instead of telling him, she got pregnant and then the real fun began, now he won't leave her and instead of getting another divorce, he has decided not to have to deal with me or the children.  She gets mad if I glance at him, so he stopped visitation with the kids because he couldn't stand getting kicked out every visitation.

I am also a CSM.  BM hates me with a passion.  It wasn't always like that though, we actually used to do things together with the kids, garage sales, parks, horseback riding, she'd invite me in to do things etc.. Now, we have HRO's against eachother, and it will never be the same again.  If she could hit me with her car and get away with it, she would.

We found out 4 months ago that BM has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dependent Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Anorexia, and there is one more in there that I can't remember.  She is Satan.  She is also very good at lieing.  I have never seen anything like it.  If it comes out of her mouth, she believes its true, therefore convincing everyone it is true.  I bet one day they will study her for scientific purposes she is so good at it.  She hates me because the kids live with us. She hates that the kids talk about me, like me, and acknowledge my presence. She hates me simply for breathing.

[backwardsbike]

Yerp, I know what you mean about the SM who is too insecure to "allow" the X to communicate with you.  Ours is like that too.  I used to just think it was me.  But if I listen carefully, I hear the kids talking about all the other people she hates.  She only likes someone who will be 310% on her side.  At the first sign of dissent, its "Your Fired".  I don't know if she's actually diagnoses, probably not becasue she firmly beleivs there's no problem with her.  But if I was pressed, I say Borderline PD or Narcissistic.  What the hell, ya can have more than one!  She probably meets criteria for both.

But the court is saying THIS is the best environment for my children.  Well, OK...your honor.  Wonder if the court is gonna pay for the therapy when my kids are odwn an out casue they can't hold down a job cause they think the way to relate to people is to lie, cheat an threaten.

Well, then, maybe they'll be really successful casue that seems to be the way to go, at least til you get casught.  Think Enron, MArtha Stewart etc etc.

[MixedBag]

I think wendl hit it on the head -- replacement stepmom.

In my life, we have several divorces, so several combinations.

As a CP, my children's stepmom is just another adult figure in their lives that they must respect.  They may not really like her, but they've learned to deal with her over the years.  She has never overstepped her boundaries as a stepmom.

As an NCP, my child's stepmom (is really just legally a girlfriend) takes on a replacement attitude towards me.  She doesn't respect the fact that I'm the mom in my son's life.  How do I know that?  In his school records for the last 7 years, she's listed as mom.  She has listed herself as mom in his dental records and medical records, and even boyscout records.  I know -- I saw them even though I'm 750 miles away.  When I call and ask to speak to my son, she has said "The $itch, Egg Donor, MixedBag, Angelica, and "First Name" is on the phone." -- NEVER just plain simple "Your mom/mother is on the phone."  The closest she came is "Your mom is AL is on the phone" and that was way about 7 years ago.  That should be example enough.  My EX supports her in what she does and so I find him at fault for this behavior too.

As a SM myself, I try to find a balance for the sake of the kids.  I take on the attitude that I'm there to support and help my husband with his children.  The children are well aware of who their mom is and that she is MOM.  However, I'm still the adult in this house, and in dad's absence, what I say or do goes.  So far so good, except that his EX hates my guts and doesn't believe that I'm NOT trying to replace her.  She has many issues and the children are old enough to figure out for themselves what the true source of her issues are -- and that it's not me.  Only She hasn't figured that out yet and keeps embarassing herself when it comes to her children.  Time might fix that.....so we shall see.

BTW -- as you read this, my EX's Camilla will be printing this off and will be sending it to DH's EX.....and the phones will ring off the hook again and again and again.....  But that's their way and I'll deal with that too.

[junglechicken]

(and God willing he never does) but I'm a stepmom with some rather definitive thoughts on these topics...

"I definitely look at my involvement with step child is that I have a right to have communication and decisions regarding him when he is at my house."

That I do - with my dh.  I also reserve the right to absolve decision making and leave it to dh.

"I also feel that a SP's should be allowed to speak with a birth parent (CP) regarding the child."

I think it would be nice if the bioparent didn't decree that the stepparent is not to speak with them, but that the two would come to an agreement about what is best for both parties and the kids.  I don't communicate with bm.  We have call display because of bm, in that I will not even answer the phone if it's her.  I figure, I was never married to her, and she's not my mother.  Therefore, I have no need to speak with her.  If it should ever come up that it is urgent that I speak with her, I wouldn't hesitate.  I would hope that bm would respect that.  I don't know how she feels about the fact that I won't answer the phone for her.

"I always hear people say: it's between me and the ex...
or do not speak to me regarding my child, my ex can...
or something to that effect.
Well, the way I look at it, is I have established a relationship with this child, and I am the child's stepmother.
When he is in my home, I am an authority figure."

I agree, but I also have the boundary that if it has to do with something outside my home, I am not the authority figure.  DH can deal with whatever it is.

"Everyone always says that step parents have no input in the child's life, and that they should know this when they marry their spouse, but how about the argument that a birth parent should know a possible step will help raise their child after they divorce?"

I hate "shoulds".  The fact is, each family has its own rules, boundaries, and methods of dealing with certain situations.  It's up to that family ("family" being a loose term - by it I mean all the parents of the children) to figure out how best to establish those.  

As a bm, I also hate the thought that I should know my son may one day have a stepmother....that certainly wasn't our intention when we conceived him!  I don't think there are many parents who can say it was, or who can say dealing with divorce is easy and low on the emotional scale, leaving plenty of energy for the introduction of a stepparent!  Divorce makes people who once loved each other, hate each other...and everything that they do, and everyone they know.  i didn't have to do anything to make bm hate me except get together with dh.  And no, I was not the other woman.

[flewwellin]

It took 1 1/2 yrs for me to be able to talk to the BM about the kids.  She would tell DH that it was his place to communicate with her about them and she wouldn't talk with me.  He told her if she didn't talk with me then she wouldn't talk with anyone.  So he sort of forced her to.  I agree I am effected just as much as anyone else in this sittuation even though I am not their bio mom.  I support their relationship with their mom tremendously when they started callin her by her first name I am the one who corrected them.  Now she is willing to talk to me about everything involving the kids, it's actually easier for her to talk to me because she and DH always end up in a fight!.  

[Avaya]

I agree with you.  We have a vested interest in how our stepchild is raised and bioparent, like it or not, society places some burden of responsibility on how that child turns out as an adult.  Enter Christian parenting and it's even more difficult because we feel we have a moral responsibility to parent that child because we married his/her parent.  Then add siblings and then you have a responsibility to treat the kids equally - that goes for punishment as well as rewards.  I get so tired of telling my son he 'can't' when my sd's parents tell her she 'can'.  I don't want to allow him to do something I think isn't good for him just because she gets to do it and he's feeling left out.