looking for non-bias opinions

[curious_mom]

I could use some help. I have a daughter who is about to be 3 years old and her BF hasn't seen her since she was 6 weeks old nor has he attempted to call in the last 2 1/2 years to check on her or provide any type of support. I'm not looking for any type of support from him but what I would like is for him to at least be curious on how HIS daughter is doing. I understand that he lives over 2 hours away and the few times he did drive out to see her (which he was coming to see some old friends anyway and just stopped by to see her while he was "nearby") he slept while holding her the entire time and when he woke up he always had somewhere else to be. My family is trying to get me to look into terminating his rights but I just keep thinking that she is so young and maybe he'll change but I just don't know.  And if I do look into terminating his rights I don't even know where to begin. Any help is apprecited.

[vlad tepes]

in my opinion, he has already forfeited his rights as a father. on the other hand, you're right that she is young and he might change his mind. on the other hand, your daughter is 3 and could probably use some stability in her life and maybe it's time to look elsewhere for that. on the other hand, breaking up a family is bad. on the other hand the family is already broken up and healing and rebuilding need to start.

[4honor]

Her BF has NEVER seen her or had contact with her.

Although, based on the strength of family ties in his family (one of 12 kids, parents were both from large families, etc.) I assumed -- wrongly--that he would one day want to meet her and know her. I assumed wrong. However, that does not mean that your child's father will continue in the pattern he has.

If there is no other father in the picture willing to adopt, the courts will rarely allow a termination of rights.

I suggest if you are remarried and your husband is willing to adopt that you do so -- he is the only father she has ever known, but do not demonize BF or say anything negative about him over the years.  One day he may see the error of his ways and want to know her, and there may come a time when she may need to know him.

I do not think we should be punished forever for the stupidity of our youth.

[Rockwell15]

Why would you terminate his rights? As long as he is making some kind of an effort to see the child why do so? Think of the consequences. What do you tell the child when they get older why you had his visitation rights terminated. I wouldn't think that you would want to lie about it. Are you going to tell the child that you stopped  letting daddy seeing you all together because he didn't see you enough? How will that look in the childs eye?  Eventually the X will make a greater effort in seeing the child or he will not. But don't take away his rights just because he doesn't see the child as offen as he could. Your parents are biased. They don't like your X, that I am sure of. What parent does like the X? They look at it as if this is the guy who hurt my daughter and put her in this situation. In their eyes he deserves nothing. In your childs eye, they deserve and want  their daddy even if it is not that often,as of now. As long as he is making some kind of an effort do what you can to help. For your childs sake.

[smtotwo]

**I do not think we should be punished forever for the stupidity of our youth.**

How do you deal with being punished for the stupidity of DH?

I am near my wits end and close to separating with him.  When he was younger (9yrs ago)  He got drunk and slept with his brothers g/f.  She got pregnant and they never did DNA to determine whose child it is.  

CHild has brothers name as middle and last name, but now she's claiming its DH's child. She can't find brother and we don't know where he is, so she's not getting any support.  But DH pays religously to his ex so she knows where to get the money.

How close are sibling DNA?  He and his brother could pass for twins if not for the age difference.

[curious_mom]

He hasn't attempted to call, write or come by when he's visited family in the area since she was 6 weeks old. I never thought about terminating his rights and I'm not sure if I really want to, but I do also understand what my family is telling me. Our last conversation in April 2003 was him asking me if I knew what type of an inconvenience she was to him. I try to keep telling myself that we're still young and he might change but I'm just really unsure. I'm not remarried nor am I trying to get that way any time soon, I just want to focus all my attention on my daughter and give her what I can. I just don't know what I should do about her BF.

[dontunderstand]

How long BF has to be MIA before one can petition the court for someone else to adopt the child?  We are in WA.

[dsbhde0707]

I cannot say that my opinion is non-bias, since my sons BF has not seen him in over 4 years, but her goes anyway.....

I did not ever pursue having rights terminated for a few reasons....No matter what, if BF called and asked to see my son tomorrow, the answer would be yes. I will never stand in the way of the two of them having a relationship. No doubt about it, it is painful for me to try and understand why he would not want a relationship with our son, but I am sure it is more painful for my 14 year old son to try to understand.

Another reason, which is based on the first reason.....BF may change someday and he could have a great relationship with our son....since I will never deny my son that opportunity, BF would end up with no responsibilities for our child, yet he would end up with the priviledge of having the relationship. I am a fair person, but as long as he pretends my child doesn;t exsits...he will be reminded when his child support is garnished from his check, and his tax check is intercepted every year!!
Spiteful?.....maybe....but I tend to get that way when it comes to my kids.

So I would say....let it ride, your child may still get to have a relationship with her dad.....and what could be better?

[4honor]

RCW 26.33 talks all about adoption. The state of WA views a parent who has paid no support and not had contact with their child for 1 year or more as a parent with no interest and thus termination can be initiated by the CP (bio) and an adoptive spouse. IN the event of a child with potential adoptive parents and no bio parents, it says you can petition for termination of parental rights and adoption "when it is in the best interest of the child."

[4honor]

That this too shall pass. It is not going to be like this forever... it can always get worse. It got worse for me before it got better.

BM messed up SS so bad that he found no value in DH or his brothers and he abused the LO's. The benefit of all that is I don't have to deal with all the drama. I have quit worrying about SS and if BM wants to continue to mess with SS's mind -- go for it, witch!

I have reinvested that energy. and you need to too. Unless you have a boat load of money to throw at the problems with the ex you are throwing good money after bad.... SS got what he wanted, his dad to himself.