Mistofelees & Helping Hands Menstruation Issue

[mistoffolees]

I never said that things should change for a long time - in fact, I specifically recommended that the time be limited.

I'm simply suggesting that it's an uncomfortable situation for a girl (certainly far worse than a boy's voice changing which was offered as a comparison) and that if the father was any kind of a father at all, he'd be more interested in helping the girl to do what she needs to get through the situation than he apparently is in playing power games.

[Mamacass]

But going back to the original post, the mother is looking to change a custody order based on the fact that the daughter is going to start menstruation soon.  A period doesn't equate change in circumstance in my mind and I thought to change a custody order there had to be a change in circumstance.  

So while yes, I agree that the father should allow the child what she needs, that doesn't have to be the mother and as you pointed out it doesn't have to be long term.  

However, the mother needs to realize that there are people other than her that can be supportive, including aunts, stepmom or even (if you can believe it) the dad.  Yes, dad's can be supportive too, even in issues like periods (mine sure was).  

[Tennessee Dad]

Very well put, Mamacass.  That's all I was trying to say, in my not so tactful way.  Change of custody, based on a future event, seems a bit far fetched.  And Fathers can be supportive, and compassionate, as well as Mothers.  JMHO

[mistoffolees]

That's one side of the issue.

The thing started when the BM asked for a little extra time to support the daughter's dealing with the problem. The BF refused.

We've all agreed that it would be reasonable for the daughter to spend a little more time with the mother if the period was bothering her.

So the mother made a request that everyone thinks is reasonable and the father refused it out of a power game.

Yes, some people go to court over stupid things, but IMHO, the father was being unreasonable from the start and the mother reacted in the only way she could get her reasonable request filled.

If it was important enough to the daughter, going to court wouldn't be unreasonable. But even if going to court was unreasonable, the father's playing a power game.

[Mamacass]

The original post doesn't state anything about the mom asking dad first, just states that she is filing charges.  So we're not really sure what started the whole thing.
It also mentions that one of the reasons BM doesn't have custody is because of hygiene issues (not keeping daughter clean).  If that's the case, she may not be the best person to teach daughter how to deal with a period.  
Also it sounds as though there's a lot of psychological "warfare" going on at mom's house.  And the father doesn't want temporary time granted, and then turned into permanent time later on b/c it has become the new status quo.  It sounds like dad is trying to keep his daughter from being in a bad situation if he can get her womanly help elsewhere

Or at least that's what I get from the original poster's information.  Either way, we don't really know the whole story, and since the original poster hasn't gotten anymore involved I'm guessing that he may not be keeping up with the posts anymore.  I'm sure if he wants more advuce he'll ask for it.  

On that note, I think I'll also stay out of it.  I'm starting to regret getting involved.  

[jilly]

>I never said that things should change for a long time - in
>fact, I specifically recommended that the time be limited.
>
Ummm...yes you did:

First quote: "Second, all I said is that if menstruation is traumatic for the girl, that it might be reasonable to have her spend a bit more time with her mother during the first months or years."

Second quote: "it seems to me that the right thing to do is for the father to be a little bit flexible to support the girl's needs - at least for the first year or two."

[gumdropgirl]

Enough already.

Mistoffolees, you are beating a dead horse.

It sounds to me like this is something Mom is doing without consulting the child. No where does the poster state that the child has asked for more time with Mom, or that she is uncomfortable asking dad about personal issues. For all we know she hates mom, can't talk to her about the matter and has already got the 411 on the big event elsewhere.

If the kid gets her period at Dad's house at whatever point in the distant future the stars have ordained, and SHE EXPRESSLY ASKS at that moment to spend some time with Mom to commemorate the glorious event, then so be it. Dad should let her go over for a couple hours or so, maybe overnight. End of story.

We don't know what the child wants because obviously the child can't post. Therefore we cannot assertain each parent's motives. Game over.

[mistoffolees]

Seems to me that you just proved my point. I didn't indicate that it should be forever. I indicated that the appropriate time to modify the visitation would be from months to two years. Whether you think that's reasonable or not, it clearly supports my statement that I suggested the time be limited.

I'm not going to say anything else on this. My view is that if the girl wants to spend more time with her mother when she's first getting her period, that the father should support it. Anything else is placing his own power games ahead of the child.

[Ref]

I can not see it as a power game on the dad's side but on the mom's. This is the lamest excuse to modify visitation than I ever heard. Months and years of anticipation of a period should be changed? That is just silly.

Attempting to modifying visitation legally for this dumb-ass excuse is one of the biggest power-plays I have ever seen on this board.

I agree that if you change the routine around a kid having her period, you are setting her up to use that as an excuse for the rest of her life. I think maybe if she wants more time with her mom the first time, maybe to get her advice etc, that is fine, but to permenently change it for the next several months to years for this crap?

To me, being a parent is more about life lessons and teaching a child how to be a good adult. How is treating this like anything more than a headcold assist her in learning how to deal with it in the future. It is nice to think of the child's immediate needs but to be a good parent, you have to keep an eye out for the bigger picture, adulthood.

Sorry, this thread is really getting under my skin.

Ref

[Windd]

I have been reading the post but unable to promptly reply as I am not at a public or my own computer.

I realize there are many views on this subject. I would never keep the child from mom as was likewise done to me along with the whole PAS thing. I feel the child should be taught how to deal with this. As I told my daughter, if it happen as midnight while you are with me I want to be prepared. My desire is that her mom has prepared her in case it does happen at night.

There are other females around, aunts, nieces, neighbors, friends, but her mom would be my FIRST choice. I would not mind it her going for the night but anything longer than that I just think is an excuse.  The child does see her mom much more that the standard every other weekend anyway.

Yes there are power struggles and always an ulterior motive. I have had two unfounded CPS reports alleging cuts, bruises, oral injuries and then not any of the found on the child the next day. The child has been told they do not have to do anything I say as I am trying to control them, instructed to keep a journal of anything (only)negative I do, told to lie, steal. I cannot get into the myriad of other issues.