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A better understanding

Started by pixie84, Jul 05, 2008, 09:28:34 AM

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You can't go the mentality of trying to "fix" things.  Us as woman try to fix everything and everyone and we are trying to do it for the better.  

In this stepfamily environment trying to fix this situation usually backfires.

Kitty C.

You mentioned 3 round-trip tickets for your DH, SD and BM....why?  Why would there even be a ticket for the BM?  And are you aware that your SD can fly unaccompanied as long as it's a direct flight?  Then once she turns 8 or 9, she can fly with one plane change?  You can go to any major airline website and search for their 'unaccompanied minor policies' to get the details and costs.  We had LD visitation for 10+ years and that's how DS got to see his dad, plus there are others on this site who have utilized it as well, so if you have any questions about it, just ask.

I agree with the other poster.......your DH needs a new CO.  But if you said that the judge left certain details of visitation up to mediation....and BM never agreed to anything in mediation....then it sounds like there isn't a final order anyway, as all details have not been worked out.  If mediation is a bust, then the court will decide the matter.  So you and your DH have a LOT of decisions to make.  

I agree with others in that you need to let him take the lead in how much or little effort is put into this.  But if there was anything that I personally would insist on is for him to understand just how important he is to his daughter's life.  I can understand how defeated he must feel, but if all his daughter ever hears is her mother's side of the story, she could very well grow up hating him for no other reason than from what she's been told.  Many adult children have harbored ill feelings to absent parents for many years, not knowing that what they had been told was all lies.  I, too, would recommend he come to this site...if for no other reason than to get a perspective on things.

If, when all is said and done, your Dh is unable to maintain a consistent LD relationship with his daughter, I would strongly recommend he keep a journal or write letters to her (but don't send them).  Then, when she becomes an adult, give them to her so that she can read for herself how much he loved her and that he did not forsake her.  It might go a long way to healing the wounds time, distance, and circumstances created.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......


know when the kid might actually get to the mailbox first.  I did.  I got there three days before mine and my brother's birthdays.  First time we had gotten cards from our birth mother.  Found out later that it wasn't the first time she sent them.  
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!


No doubt there's an unspoken void in this little girl's life !!!

Kitty advised "But if there was anything that I personally would insist on is for him to understand just how important he is to his daughter's life. I can understand how defeated he must feel".

and that MUST be the one and only mindset he needs...nothing else really matters at this time under the circumstances and Prixey is critical in her support role for her to have him

Screw the so called court system ... he can overcome all the issues knowing he is not alone .... with this board and his wife and others.

Keep posting with more info (you've been asked) and good luck.


It's not about logistics, it's about control.  We did move from one coast to the other to be closer to my SD.  It was hell.  We wish we never had.  PB took DH to court ALL the time.  She would not follow the court orders, so DH still didn't get to see SD.  In the end we uprooted our family and lives for nothing.  


It's really hard to take the high road some days.  Sometimes I really just want to put her in her place.  She is such a PB and she knows how to push peoples buttons to make them do something to her or say something that she can manipulate to get a protection order.  I just stop talking to her when she gets like that but my DH doesn't know when to stop with her sometimes and it's hurt him in the past.


HE moved from her because BM was making his life miserable and he didn't want to live in the same city as her.  He doesn't care about paying for his daughter and himself he just doesn't want to pay for PB.  She also stated in something she filed that she wouldn't come here unless her husband could accompany her for her own personal safety.  My as I have stated before my husband has never been physically violent toward PB or daughter.  He has only met the sdad once so he's never done anything to him either.

Also my husband use to smoke pot.  He did when BM and him got together (this was 5+ years ago).  Because of this she is saying she needs supervised visits and to spend time with daughter in front of a mediator.  She said something about the pot smoking during their divorce hearing and the judge asked her if he'd ever been violent, to which she responded no, and he responded that it didn't matter to him then.  As long as he had no history of being violent toward her he didn't care what he did in his recreational time.  I thought it was a weird response.

Is there anyway that I can get copies of what exactly is said during the court hearings so she can't say one thing when really it wasn't said.

I do find myself obsessing about this.  She just makes me so damn mad which her crazy delusional beliefs and always thinking I'm the bad guy and out to get her.  I don't talk to her unless it's about something with the daughter.  She will engage me in other things which I feel rude not responding to.  I guess I need to stop responding.  I just hate it when I ask her for help buying something for my step daughter and she won't give me any information on what she wants or clarify what she's talking about.  Last year for Christmas my step daughter said she wanted leap pad books.  That was great but  there are multiple leap pad systems.  The PB wouldn't even tell me what kind she had so I'd buy her the right books until I called her practically crying and she said she felt bad so she returned my call.  I tried email, my husband email, asking the daughter, nothing worked it was like she wanted us to fail so finally when I was desperate and miserable she responded.  She tries to say she's not a control freak but that Christmas thing to me says otherwise.


When was the divorce final? What was his relationship with his daughter before the divorce? Why is there a situation and order that limits his time with his daughter now?

The divorce was finalized I think 3 years ago.  Before the divorce his relationship with daughter was pretty bad.  BM had several protection orders against him (for saying the wrong thing to her on the phone which she manipulated into a threat and example of this would be the time he(DH) told her(BM) they were stuck with each other and basically if something happened to her and she died he would be there for his daughter and thus probably at her funeral. She hung up called the police and said he threatened her life.  This protection order was extend for a full year because the day of the court hearing to decide the extent of the TPO DH's father passed away).  Their relationship is leaps and bounds better now that she's older and can understand things a little better.  She knows she use to live her when she was  baby, her mother moved back home with her when she was 6 months old.  BM told my husband he was welcome to come if he wanted!

Also some advice here would be appreciated, I told him to tell her the truth about why he didn't talk to her if he missed a call (which he hasn't in a while) or if she asked him about something, like why he doesn't visit her.  Is she old enough to be told the truth.  I'm not suggesting he bad mouth the BM and say it's her fault he doesn't see her.  But would it be wrong of him to tell her that he can't yet because it's not finalized in court the stipulations of the visitation?  Obviously in words she will understand.  

The only situation that limits his time with his daughter now is the LD thing and that her mother won't allow it unless it's set-up with a mediator.  


If you ever directly try to communicate with her, you will set yourself up for a verbal attack from her.  If you don't engage her, then there is no reason for her to attack you.

It doesn't matter what was said in court.  The only thing that matters is what is in the court order.  The court order is the bible and that is what needs to be followed to the *T*.


If she asks, just simply say that you're trying to make that happen but it may take a while.  Since she is 5, perhaps you could encourage her to practice writing?  Maybe send her some paper, envelopes and stamps?  Send her letters, keep them brief and written clearly so she can practice her reading skills as well.  KEEP copies of the letters that you send.  This will show the court that you wish to establish communication in a constructive way....
Now I'm living....Just another day in Paradise!!