HA, this one's a hoot!!!

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

As normal, I gathered up my daughter's clothes this morning to wash them, as I do every weekend I have the kids.

My daughter tells me, "Mom, please don't wash my clothes." I asked her why. She told me that her dad told her not to let me. I say...."HUNH??? WHY???"

She says, "Dad said you might ruin them."

With the exception of one sweater, the clothes she had brought were all purchased by me.

Is this a set-up to say that I return the kids with a bunch of dirty laundry?

[MKx2]

Now I just CANNOT leave this one alone!

Tell Daddy Dearest that you've been doing laundry a LOT longer than he has, and that if you have one SINGLE doubt about an article of clothing you will return as is - not washed.

In fact, I think I'd WRITE it to him and copy your attorney on it.  Make it a nice letter, like,

Dear XXXXX,

I was about to wash XXXX' and XXXX's clothes, when our daughter, XXXX requested that I not send them home with clean cothes.  When I asked her why she told me you had said that I might "ruin" them.

While I understand your concerns, my opinion is that it would be wrong of me to return the children with dirty laundry.  If I have any concerns about any particular article of clothing, and if it can be put in the laundry, I will defer to your request.  Otherwise I will send them home with clean clothing.  It is part of parental responsiblity as well as the appropriate thing to do.

I hope you understand.  I also hope that this does not become an unnecessary issue for us.

Thank you for your understanding.

XXXXXX

What a crock of STINK!  Just one more example of trying to "control."  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE (!) document this petty and ridiculous behavior.

[sweetnsad]

with MK...what a joke!!!  This guy has some serious control problems....of all the things there could be a problem with, sending the children home with CLEAN clothes shouldn't be an issue..

My daughter returns from her weekend with her Dad with FILTHY clothes..all stuffed in a bag and smelling like cigarette smoke...even clothes that haven't been worn have to be washed.   Gosh, I would die if she came home with clean clothes for once!!

Do as MK said and continue being the responsible mother you are.  You are doing a good job!:-)

[nosonew]

At least they don't smell like MOTHBALLS!  SS comes over, HE smells like mothballs, coats, shoes, baseball mitts, everything, SMELLS LIKE MOTHBALLS!  I have to wash everything twice  in lemon scented pine sol, then about 3 more times and I add extra downy rinse (April Fresh) and EVENTUALLY it smells better!  Gross!

Whenever I smell mothballs I am reminded of the "nerd" in our class from high school who wore the black glasses, greasy hair, pocket protector, etc.  And when he walked by...ewwwww....you could smell...MOTHBALLS!

(I think I am getting a psychological issue with MOTHBALLS!) LOL

Now that ss lives with us, he LOVES the way his clothes smell!! AHHH, April Fresh!!!

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

Ain't it the truth!!!

[joni]

He's just trying to tear you down in your daughter's eyes.  We get the same thing from my SD's BM.  When she says stuff like this to me, I just laugh and tell her "That's silly, it's not true" and I do what I want anyway.  

Put it this way, if you didn't wash the clothes, he'd be telling her that you're a slob and filthy.  Do what you want.  It's none of his business and as my son would say "he's not the boss of you".

[MixedBag]

When you're faced with a "damned if you do, or damned if you don't" just plain do what YOU'RE comfortable with, period.

The fact that you recognize the dilemma puts you miles ahead of the games your EX is playing.

And forget the letter idea....he doesn't give a rats a$$ about it anyway.  

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

Perhaps he doesn't give a rats pitootie...but, I CC my letters to the clerk of courts who places it in my file. So with the instances of contempt of court that I also have "holding"...it will be seen that I have tried to civilly take care of matters before rushing back into court.

[NoNicky]

OMG!!!  I thought I was the only one who went through this.  LOL  

I no longer wash my children's clothes that come from their father's house.  I did for a while even after they said their step-mom said I wasn't supposed to.  I mean, really now, it's laundry.  The funny thing is they now will not let the children wear anything they purchased to my home.  Too freaking funny.  So I purchase their clothing, they wear it to their father's home on Sunday and when they come back the next Friday they have to change into the clothes they were wearing when they went back to his house on the previous Sunday.  Presumably their step-mother washes them in between.  After all, she's a saint, just ask my EX.  I stopped washing their clothing before though because the children were horribly upset because rather than being adult and taking up the issue with me they were being punished because they allowed me to wash their clothes.  It was a matter of choosing my battles and I didn't think that one was worth fighting.  

In my case they inspect the children for stray cat hair when they get back.  Never mind the fact that they have 2 dogs that could just as easily get hair on them.  If the kids have a scratch or hair it must have come from my cats!  

NoNicky
For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6

[kiddosmom]

I understand the aggrivation of this!
The thing with our pbfh is we send SD to her for her weekend visit in new clothes we have bought. She comes back to us in old clothes that are sometimes stained and dirty and are to small. 4 pairs of 6 socks was traded with socks that are too small,, sheesh. We paid her cs for months before we gained custody, so where did that money go? deffinatly not on SD. We also have not recieved a penny of the cs bm was ordered to pay, but are still losing the clothes we buy.
My mom told me she is doing this so she has decent clothes for SD at her house. We have not made an issue of this but it is still aggravating.

[Realist]

Our crazy ex does the same thing. She sends the kids in the same clothes every other weekend with instructions not to wash them. So, they are there Saturday until Sunday and they are supposed to wear the same clothes for 2 days?  Even on Christmas day she sent them in the same old sweats.  My SO's son (who is 7) told us that our laundry products give him a rash.  Of course we saw no evidence of that when they were with us for 2 weeks in the summer.

Whatever, I figure its control and a way to belittle their dad.  Our house, our rules, no one wears dirty clothes.

[nerd]

We had this problem also.  Clothes and toys never came back or new clothes were replaced with old clothes.  So now we simply send them in the clothes they have on and toys stay home.  This has forced the NCP to provide the children with all the necessary items they need while at the NCP.  A dresser of drawers to keep their clothes in, and also keeps them in the frame of mind to know the children's sizes.  And also to provide a place to store their toys that he has had to purchase for them to play with, etc.  
 
NCPs must be made to realize that it is not our jobs to pack everything they need as if they were going away on vacation!  It is very important that the children have a HOME waiting for them when they arrive with all the things they need.  This shows them that they are a part of that home, are welcome, and that all the things they need have been provided and are waiting for their return.  It is a comfortable feeling to a child.  And in no way should the NCP or CP allow other children in the home to play with, break, rearrange, or remove the possessions that belong to the visiting child, while the child is away, unless that child has given permission.  The visiting child should have a space all their own if possible and trust that all their things will be as they left them.    
 
It has worked well in our situation because neither parent is burdened with rounding up clothes, last minute laundry, gathering toys, packing, running down the lost toothbrush, etc.  It is a comfortable feeling to know you can just hand over your child and know that their needs are met on the other end.  
 
But this takes effort on the part of both parents as well as stepparents and will be a learning process, but be patient and hold your ground.  Good luck!

[sweetnsad]

While it's nice and convenient if the NCP can have extra clothes and toys available for the children when they visit, that doesn't always work...Yes, I agree that it would give the children a sense of security and belonging, it's not always possible to provide this.

When we have my SO's kids, we have to travel two hours with our children to see them....then, we have to stay at his parent's house for that particular weekend...it's the only way we can afford to see them at all.  With all the CS being paid out and our own bills, we can't bring them back to our home and back again...it's too costly.

So, seeing as how we have to stay at his parent's house, we don't have the space to leave clothes and toys for the next visit.  We get the children once a month...what's the sense of keeping toys and clothes for twelve visits a year???   Any new clothes or toys the children receive from us or their grandparents, we send them to their mother so the children can actually get to wear them and play with them...and she sends them clothes and toys, if they want them, for every visit they have with us...it just makes more sense.

So, I clean all the clothes and send them back..end of story...end of hassle.  And yes, I believe it is the CP's responsibility to make sure their children have everything they need for their visitation with their other parent if the need arises...especially in our case.  The same goes for my daughter when she visits her father...he sees her maybe once every two months, so I don't expect him to have anything for her, so I send what she needs.  It makes it alot easier.

Hats off to those NCP's that CAN provide what their children need during their visitation, but it doesn't apply to everyone.

[kiddosmom]

-----Hats off to those NCP's that CAN provide what their children need during their visitation, but it doesn't apply to everyone.----

I agree that it doesn't apply to everyone, I was commenting on our case.
We paid quite a bit of cs before the custody was changed to us. Yet the bm does not have decent clothes for sd?

If there was an honest need, I would be the first to the store to send clothes/ toys to the bm (even if I do not like her, I love sd)

Our bm gets sd eow, thurs 2 hrs. extended weekends on holidays.
That is enough to make sure she has clothes/toys in the home.

[nerd]

You're right that it does not apply to everyone.  each situation is different.  It is a 1 hour and 45 min trip one way for us every other weekend and extended holidays.  the family does a lot of shopping in the thrift stores, and luckily have friends and family whose children grow out of clothes and toys about the time another set grow into them.  

It is a focused event every other weekend, it is tiring, and hectic, but when they are here, they are home.  
The NCP provides them with everything that would be in a home.  all cp has to do is show up  at desinated drop off.  We are a mixture of cp, ncp, stepdad and stepmom family.  every child has a place, and every child is provided with all their needs and some of their wants.  

NCP and spouse  pay somewhere close to 900 dollars a month toward child support.  It is hard, and the entire family helps where ever we can.
One child is working on putting together a robot kit he received for christmas.  It sits on his dresser, exactly as he left it, waiting for him to return and work on it. It is the first thing he does when he arrives.  It gives him a pleasant memory  to think about when he is away and something pleasant to look forward to for his return.  
So often the children are pas'ed and it is one way to offset the negative effect of PAS.  it has worked for us.  I hope you find something that will work for you.  Keep faith!

[sweetnsad]

I was replying to Nerd's comments, not yours...and yes I agree with you...if the NCP has the child for quite a bit of time every week or so, then they should be responsible for their things, especially if the child/children are spending time in the NCP's home.

That doesn't apply to us for several reasons:
1)  The children don't visit us in our home, we have to travel to see them and stay at their grandparent's home.
2)  We only see them once a month, so what's the sense of keeping clothes and toys that they barely get to wear or play with?
3)  We simply cannot afford to buy extra clothes and toys to keep for part time...it's just not in our budget...not with all the money going out in CS and having two other children and one on the way to support.

Like I said, I applaud NCP's that CAN do it...