Projection grilling (PAS)

[mango]

DH's ex accuses him and I of "grilling" SD. We never do, nor do we ever talk about the BM. It's her that does the constant grilling and badmouthing. But child thinks mother has a right to know every detail of our lives, because the mother is "protecting her". Whatever....

Problem is every thing we do or every conversation we have is directly relayed (an not always the way it was happened, it gets twisted) back to the BM. But "nothing" ever comes to DH's/our home. We are not allowed any information about SD life there.

We have a right to have normal conversations don't we? It's as if she is a stranger in our home, or an informant.

It's to the point that we are afraid to have any conversations with the child because the mother informs the child that we have no business knowing what goes on over in their home.

While that is somewhat true, why can't we ask what she is into these days, or if she has friends, or if she attended the school class movie with her friends etc.

We get lies like  "I can't remember" I don't know" for answers. She is getting really clever at lying to get out of conversations. Real good.

It seems touchy, if we discipline her for the lies the mother accuses us of being cruel to the child. If we address the fact that we think she is lying about "not remembering seeing a movie with her school" she gets uncomfortable, and we hate to accuse her, but we know when she is lying.

Anyone have this one? Or ideas on what to do?

[junglechicken]

As a general rule, I don't ask the girls questions about their other household, and we don't have the problem you do.  We tend to let them lead.  It's unfortunate you can't have "normal" conversations, but if you don't ask, you won't get answers like "I forget" and "I don't know".  Takes some of the pressure off the kid.

[nosonew]

We tried two things when this happened:

1.  Made the rule  that said, saying "I forgot" or "I don't know" grounds for grounding.
-This worked a little, #2 worked best:

2.  Began to be creative in asking questions.  Never a direct question, just would bring up.... "Oh, did you hear Billy down the street went to the movies the other night?  Heard Shrek 2 was great!"  SS would then say, "Oh yeah, I went with my grandma and...."  Now, if I had asked, "Have you seen Shrek 2?" His answer would have been either "I don't know, or I forgot"  I suggest, be creative, bring up a similar subject, worm your way in....:D

[joni]

my SD just started using that one.  I've been creative to ask her general questions but I like the approach to hold her accountable for "I don't know"

[littlebit]

This is a tough one that we've also beeen dealing with for quite a while now (son is 10).  The one thing we decided for sure is that we no longer care what info is relayed to BM.  Of course she is using him as her spy, then twists everything and schemes and lies; but she is going to do that no matter what we do.

My only concern is lessening the burdon on my son.  It really stresses him out to feel like he has to hide information.  I cannot control what happens at BM's house, only mine.  So......

I explained to son that I know his Mother wants him to tell her things about our lives and that was OK.  We do not do anything we should be ashamed of, embarrased by, or need to hide.  We also do not say bad things about anybody, make up stories, or tell lies.  And for that reason, it is OK for him to tell anybody anything about his life or ours.

He was very obviously relieved, so I feel good about that decision.

Yes, it is a shame that we can't have 'normal' conversations the way we do with the other kids.  Simple questions about his life seem to put a lot of pressure on him.  I tend to avoid asking, but I don't like that option either.  Unfortunatley, I am still looking for a good solution to that problem also.

LittleBit's Dad

[Bolivar OH]

Thank you all for sharing your experience(s).  My son is 4 now.  Reading everyone's posts helps me prepare for the future.  

Hopefully everybody's knowledge will translate into wisdom for me.  Instant wisdom,, wouldn't that be great!!!!

[nosonew]

Yes, you must explain to the kid(s) that they can talk about anything and everything with anyone regarding whatever, however, they must tell the truth and not make up stories.  This does relieve the pressure, and they feel safer with you...less stressed.

My grounding rule for "I don't know" or "I forgot" happened when ss was in 2nd grade, school had started 6 weeks earlier, and I asked him what his teachers name was... his response, "I don't know", I was like, "You have gone to school for how long and you don't know your teachers name?"  Then his response was, "I forgot"...that did it.  He was soooo programmed not to answer questions, he didn't know which were okay to answer and which weren't...he later told me (like 2 years later) that his mom told him if he didn't know if it was a "SAFE QUESTION", to just respond with 1 of the 2 statements above.   GRRRRR

[stepmom74]

Now I know why my SD says "I don't know" , "I can't remember" and "I forgot" all the time!!!!  I am sooo sick of hearing the same excuses for everything we ask her I think I'm going to lose it.  I just thought she didn't have the words to answer the simpliest questions but now I see it's because she doesn't dare answer them because of her mother.  It makes sense but it is so sickening to here 20 times a day.  

I have gotten mad at her and asked "Can you remember any part of your life!" and have got the confused look.  I don't know why the BM's have to be so hard on their children. So what if she tells us something.  She supposed to talk to people who love her and want to know about what's going on in her life.  Isn't that being a good parent?  Talking to your children about school, friends, life, feelings...etc.  We don't get much out of SD either and now I know why.  She's just scared.  

Isn't this whole game getting old to anybody else?  When will BM's and BF's just let kids be kids and not make them feel scared or ashamed of the other lives they lead?  It's the children who always suffer and I'm so tired of it.

[almostastepmom]

I know what you are going through.  My SO has 2 kids (D-9 S-10) and instead of running home to tell mom what we say, they make stuff up so that she can call and yell at us.. especially me!  They are being brained washed by her because she doesn't want them to like me.  They actually use to love me and he's daughter even wanted to come live with us.  When she told her mother that, her mother went crazy and told her that she couldn't beleive she would do that to her and that if that was the case, just go and don't come back.  Now she is affraid of what her mom will say if she knows she actually likes me.  So they both make things up to make their mother feel better.
We recently told them there willl be NO LIYING in our house.  If we catch them they will be sent to their room and they will not do anything until they tell the truth and apologize.  Well, that only works with me, because their father says he doesn't want to ruin the weekend by punishing them, so in turn, I again look like the bad person and they relay that to their mother to.
I don't know what to do or say to them other then I don't even want them to come over because they might make something up that would be life altering to me, (ie abuse, which I would never do, I'm a nanny and love kids), but honestly I wouldn't put it past them.
So, I guess you just have to keep things to yourselves or don't disguss things that they could use as "amo"  It's horrable to think you have to watch what you say in your own home, but hopefully your children will someday see what their mother is doing or has done is wrong....
good luck

[mango]

I totally relate. Even to teh part about not punishing them. My DH never wants to bring up "hot topics" that should be addressed because it will ruin good family time that is currently  going on.

We have been in court every 3 to 6 months by the BM doing. Just found out throught a friend of mines daughter that the BM has been telling the SD that WE are the ones taking HER to court over and over again.

Do we address this, or pretend we knew nothing about it?

Problem is we can't possible cover all teh lies, that happen at the BM's home or protect yourself against  these lies that she comes up with. (who kknows what else is being said), we almost have to let it alone and fate take its' run....

Is that foolish?