The boychild needs help . . .

[hagatha]

hey guys,

At my wits end with the boychild and school, already. Every day is a struggle.

First problem is getting up. 13 yrs old and in 8th grade and I still have to fight every morning to get him up. (big problem for me is working till 1am and taking Dh to work at 3:30 puts me in "bed" about 5am. Boychild has to get up at 7:30)
I have tried the alarm in his room, being nice and gentle, screaming, and cold water squirted in the face. If we make it out the door at 8:30 (school actually starts 8:25) we're having a good day.

Next problem, he is either playing around or flat out refusing to cooperate with teachers and doing class work. They have called and are telling me he is being disruptive and "I" need to fix it. (well damn, I'm not there and not sure what they want me to do from home) They told me he is also not handing in homework DUH!! if he isn't doing classwork they think he is really writing his assignments down to do at home.

I have spoken with 3 of the 4 and none had checked his file to see if there was and IEP or 504 plan. (there is) I have asked for a meeting to discuss revisions in the 504 plan and will call again to get this set up.

Then he comes home and is told DAILY to get changed, do dishes and do homework. Getting changed takes at least an hour. Doing dishes (his ONLY chore) can last up tp 4 hours. (really he can stretch this to 4 hrs) then he claims to be s t a r v i n g  and must eat. well it's now 6:30 and he still hasn't cracked a book. I am getting ready for work at this point and DH is getting ready for bed.

We tried homework first and he finds a way to stretch that out all night to the point only half is completed and no dishes were done.

So, screaming doesn't work. Grounding doesn't work. No computer/no tv doesn't work, all night in his room doesn't work, and getting his ass smacked doesn't work. We also tried the "incentives" route and it worked for about a week. Tried prasing every thing he did, and that didn't work. Have had DH sit with him till homework was done, still took hours. (not because he didn't understand the work, he just doesn't want to do it)


Oh yeah, and my D is 7mths pg and we have a whole other issue with her.

Any one have ANY ideas cause I am about to run away and leave no forwarding address

The Witch
Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[Droogle]

Get an air horn and when it is time to get up Blow it right in his ear.  Then set a timer for about 15-20 mins and tell him if he isn't done getting dressed by then he goes to school as is.  

As for chores, tell him for every day that they are not done he doesn't get a favorite snack or something equally bad.  No eating until homework, chores and everything he has to do is done.  

Sadly, I think he is acting out because he knows it drives you crazy and knows that neither you nor DH will be there to make sure it is done.  Maybe you should tell him that he needs a babysitter and if he doesn't straighten up his act that is what you will do.  

Sorry I didn't have any better ideas.

[joni]

ick...testosterone hormones at their finest.

I'm not the kind of person who defers to therapy all of the time as a scape goat but consider this.  Growing up, my male cousin went through the same thing at this age.  Turned out to be a chemical imbalance that caused him to go into a deep, deep depression and act out.  Went on meds and therapy and he turned it around in 6 months.

So it could be hormones, it could be acting out for some other reason.  maybe he had a crush on a girl and was rejected.  either way, you've got to get into his head and find out why he's so frustrated and angry.  

[DK]

SS was doing this.  We gave him one hour to do homework.  Teacher said it should take no more than 30 minutes, so we doubled the time.    
If at the 1 hour time homework is not done, close the book and let it go.  He is old enough for this to be his responsibility.  Tell the teachers to go ahead and give him the grade he deserves.  If homework is not done he can watch TV, you get to pick the show.  Let him use the computer, you get to pick the educational game.  

Dishes done in a half hour.  No dinner is the consequence for this.   And he still has to finish the dishes.  Believe me he won't starve.  

Late for school?  Doesn't the school have a policy for tardiness?  Such as Saturday school, lunch detention, or afterschool detention?  How about on Saturday helping the groundskeeper or maintanence workers?  Cleaning some school toilets may detour the child from being late again.  

Kitty gave me this idea.  Punish him with something he hates.  SS wants to stay inside.  He does outside chores.  

Hope some of this helps!

[Kitty C.]

Yup, got a good one for this kid:

Cleaning the toilet with an old toothbrush at home!

You've got to find the most DESPICABLE, distasteful job possible.  And DK gave some excellent ones, too.

Gotta get those teachers on board with the program as well.  Sounds like they might be a tad lazy, but that's JMO............

[KAT]

Mine tried that. He was warned but yup, I did end up walking him by the hand to class wearing my bathrobe, slippers, rollers & coldcream.....

I also hired a high school girl to drive him home from school (she only lived down the road). They would have a snack & work on the homework for about 90 minutes....also kinda had rap sessions too. :) He seemed to respect her opinion more then dear ol' Mom.

Gotta love those teen years!!!

KAT

[hagatha]

I am beyond pissed the teachers never checked his file for the 504 plan. What if there was a medical problem and he needed something and they never took the time to check.

I am still waiting for them to give me a time and place for a meeting. Will be calling again monday.

Idealy I want them to keep him after school till all calsswork and most school work is complete. At least until he proves he can do the classwork without a problem.

The rest we'll just have to work out ourselves. Dh is taking a more active role after school, and is more consistant than I

I guess time will tell

The Witch
Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[All of us are family]

I'd have to agree with Droogle.
It seems to be that your child is going through that stage where he is asserting his control over you by "pushing your buttons." When you react to these manipulations with frustration and anger, you are giving him control of the situation.

I've found that the best way to get back control is to control YOUR reaction to the situation. Calmly and firmly explain to your child ONCE what needs to be done and the time that you expect it to be done. As far as homework, tell him that you will help him if he has a problem. Don't argue, yell, scream, go into any detail, etc. Then turn around and walk away. Give him the responsibility to get done what needs to get done. If he doesn't get his homework done, then HE will have to suffer the consiquences of his lack of action. If he doesn't get the dishes done, then leave them for the next night for him to do. If he doesn't get dressed for school, or doesn't have time to eat breakfast, then he'll have to go in his pj's, and be hungry.

It's amazing how much can be accomplished in a short period of time when you don't give the child the reaction they are expecting. It's kind of like the "bully mentality." Bullies bully people because it gives them a sense of control. They tease/hit/abuse you, and you yell/scream/run away which is the reaction they were looking for. However, about 95% of the time, if you ignore a bully, they get tired of trying to get a rise out of you. Same with your children. Once they realize that they can't make you react the way they want you to react, they will give up trying. Not forever, mind you. There's always that struggle to maintain their independance.

And above all, make SURE you stick with the consiquences that you have set. Children learn very quickly at any age that if a parent doesn't follow through with the consiquences they have outlined for the child, then anything goes.

[annas mom]

Ok, ok....I've got to step in here, 'cause you guys are killin' me. I am a teacher at a middle school (6th, 7th and 8th grade) and you can put it off on the teachers all you want, but ultimately, if they don't have the parents backing them at home, then why bother. The teachers scheduled a conference because they recognized there is a problem. They need your insight and at many schools (mine included) they are required to have a parent conference if a child is having behavior issues. Furthermore, you can be pissed all day long that the teachers did not check his file, but ultimately each teacher has at minimum 200 students per semester. This is not grade school anymore where you only have 30 kids and you have them all year. At this stage in the game, you as a parent should be informing the teacher that there is pertinent information in their file that they should see. Did you attend Open House at the beginning of the year? If not, shame on you....this is the time to go meet your child's teachers and inform them of things such as this. At our school, the files are locked up in the guidance office (by law they are to be locked up) and they have to be requested and signed out. You're a fool if you actually believe that every teacher reads every form in every child's file that they teach, that's totally unreasonable. 9/10ths of the problem with schools today is that parents constantly want to put the blame back on the teachers. If I was your child's teacher, I would be with your child 90 minutes a day.....how much time do you spend with your child?? I'm sorry if I'm venting at you...please understand that not all of this is directed at you. I am not privy to the particulars of your case, but I've seen many cases similar to yours and can only give you my advice. You need to be in constant communication with the child's teachers. They can email you weekly with his progress. Yes, they should give him detention, daily if necessary, but I'll tell you from experience, I keep kids for 1 hour after school and that's it. If they are honestly trying and need more help, I'll keep them longer with the parent's consent, HOWEVER, if they are just killing time and don't care if they don't finish their work then when the hours up, it's over. That's when you have to take over. It's your child, deal with it....It's my time to go home and deal with mine.  Sit with your child at the table and stay there until the work's done....if you have to sit all night, so be it, but don't punish him by not giving him dinner. Denying a child dinner is absurd and is considered a form of child abuse to boot. Another idea that we use alot is parent shadowing. Take a day off of work, or more if necessary and go to your child's school.  You can go to each class with him and put your chair right next to his. Sit with him through classes and through lunch. Walk with him down the hall, butt in on his conversations with his friends. I promise you, if you threaten to stay with him every day until he straightens up, you'll see a quick turn around. By the way...wear your raggedy jogging pants and your '#1 Mom' shirt when you go...If you try hard enough, you can embarass him into getting his act together. I guess what I'm trying to say is this...You can be mad and blame all you want, but it's not going to change the situation. The fact of the matter is, you have to step up and be a parent. If you can't control your child, what makes you think his teachers can?

[Kitty C.]

I agree, the education of EVERY child is only as good as the cooperation between the parents and teachers.  My previous comment was on the 'assumption' that the teachers were aware of the IEP.

When DS's IEP is reviewed, the teachers he currently has are in on the meeting, but that can change practically every quarter or semester.  So I take it upon myself to contact any new teacher to inform him/her of the IEP and what it contains.

This all hit home for me many years ago, when a low-life 'acquaintance' was bitching to me about her 2nd grade daughters teacher, because she were telling the mother that her daughter needed to be evaluated for LD's and ADD.  I asked her who the daughter's teacher was and she said she didn't know!  Mind you, this is a VERY small district and the class size was probably 20-25!  Right then and there, she lost ALL credibility and respect with me!

[hagatha]

Annasmom,

In the school district here, they don't change classrooms  for every subject. In fact this week they combined the advanced algebra class and the regular math class. This eliminated 1 teacher. This is a small school (even by public school standards). The only teacher that has a small class time is math and math is now 1 hr. The other teachers have the same kids, as in the entire class moves for almost half the day.   There is a total of 67 kids in 8th grade, and 2 classes that are completely seperate. All teachers are given "teacher notes" from the previous yrs teachers. I'm sorry but I'd think by this time they would have had enough time to at least look at the notes.

I have called and written at least 3x to get a meeting set up and am still waiting for a time and day. The school therapst must also attend at my request and apparently this person is not part of the package when reviewing a 504 plan.

I would love to sit with him all day in class but the school frowns on parents coming to class as it disrupts the entire class and is a huge embarrassment to the kids. (and besides there is a big self-esteem problem with the boychild)

I would love to put him in a different school, but my only option would be private school and I just cannot afford tuition.

Please understand, school is just part of the problem. I swear he dreams of ways to irritate and instigate just to see who will get riled fastest.

Anyway, I hope this is really a maturity thing and I will not have to resort to calling him "Peter" when he is an adult.

Thanks
The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[lucky]

if you don't know of the organization called PACER.  They are based in Minnesota, but their website says they are a national organization.  I heard about them when my 11yo son's principal blew off our requests for an IEP evaluation and then he "suddenly" brought a knife to school.  My mom works for the MN Dept. of Ed and she talked to a BUNCH of co-workers in the special ed areas and they all told her to have me contact PACER because they are advocates for the parents and they KNOW so much about the IEP/504 processes and laws.

In fact, the district's special ed director called me (after I sent a detailed letter to her, the superintendent, the principal, the weapons committee chair and the IEP case manager - for speech therapy only - that named names and dates.  he he he.  I don't think he'll be going back to that school cause I think the principal now HATES me for calling her on it) and told me to contact PACER as well since we've had so many problems with this.

http://www.pacer.org/

[wendl]

Hey Haggie,

My son is 12 and refuses to get out of bed in the am too, drives me nuts.  I tried banging pots and pans, yelling you name it, but the he is doing much better since I purchased and AIR HORN, I have only had to use it ONCE.

As for school, I thought my son was having a problem too, he wasn't disrupting the class so to speak but wasn't understanding homework, I requested that he be tested (school district we were in has to comply within 20 days, which they did) well that wasn't the probelm.

So 2yrs later he grades started to drop, while playing baseball a mother of a teammater informed me she thought my son may be having absence seizures. So I called DR for a referral and off for a EEG, well yep he does have absence seizures (formaly known as petite mal) anyways he has been on meds since and is doing great. I do feel bad as I used to yell at him for NOT paying attention NOT doing what I asked etc, well in reality he was having a seizure and missed parts of what myself and teachers where saying (seizures last 3-40 seconds each)

Keep at the school and if they won't help go to the school district. I am sooo thankful, we used moved into a small town and they have homework time (yep in middle school) they also have afterschool help and detention OMG detention didn't have that in our big city school.

Keep at it and don't give up, go lock yourself in the bathroom and take a hot bath.

HUGS

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**