Brainwashing my child

[worriedmom]

I see both your points about the psychologist (inviting the father) I agree that i should I am just scared he will use that to his advantage and plant things in his head to say. But I have given it a lot of thought and I have just about decided to invite him. I will write the letter and post it that sounds like a good idea bc i tend to get angry and write it like that. fresh, neutral eyes would be best Thankyou...

[worriedmom]

i agree with you on everything. I just didnt think of those things. Thank you  As far as my son is concerned hes been seeing his psychologist for about 8 months or so, hes slowly starting to open up about a lot of stuff he just clams up when his dad is brought into the conversation and he tells us his dad doesnt want him to talk about it. I am ready for the long haul...

[dontunderstand]

I have had a similar situation.  Although there was abuse in my DD situation.  IMHO, I would be therapist shopping.  Not that she isn't nice or isn't good at what she does, but your son should be talking and I would also see about a therapist that specializes in "play therapy"  I am telling you, I learned things that DD was not comfortable and afraid to tell me about the abuse.  I would also get copies of ALL current therapists notes, ESPECIALLY if she agrees that visits need to be supervised.
Also, DD also calls DH by his name most of the time, but there are times when she calls him dad.  She is FULLY aware that she has a dad that will ALWAYS be her dad, but she also knows that he is NEVER there no matter how much she calls.  He NEVER calls her and he has CHOOSEN to see her once in the last 1 1/2 years.  While I do not encourage her to call DH dad, I do not make a big deal out of it when she does.  To me she is expressing her feelings.  As long as she doesn't forget about her bio. that is all that matters to me and that she is comfortable in the situation we were delt.  Good luck to you and your family in this difficult time....  

[dsm]

The counselor should be able to help him make it more comfortable to talk about his dad.   It will take time - and the very fact that your son is so anxious about talking about what happens at his dad's house is plenty to be documented by the counselor and if your ex does get into the picture, she should be able to draw things out from both of them.

Hang in there.  Keep us updated.
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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[worriedmom]

thanks i will keep you updated    thanks for all the advice  i appreciate everyones time...

[worriedmom]

Thanks for your story, see I dont want to take him from him I just want him to get over what hes mad at me about and not use my son as a weapon against my feelings... I just dont know how to get him to understand that he is confusing and hurting my son in the process of playing his revenge tactics on me....

[mj]

I have read all the post to this topic.  I wish things were better for you.  I don't happen to agree with all the comments that were made however.  If your husband has been around your child for so long, and the BD just came into the picture when he was around four, why on earth wouldn't he be calling him daddy?  Yea, he has a dad alright, but he isn't the one that seems to be trying to psychologically damage him.  If you ask me, the BD needs to go straight to Jail!  This is the problem we have way too often in this world.  This is why we have juvenile homocides and suicides, because people seem to think they don't cause harm by filling our children up with our sick minds.  

I have been in my 32 month olds life since she was seven weeks.  She calls me daddy.  Her BD wasn't in her life until he found out she was a wonderful child, about a year old.  Now if he threatens her and her older sister about not calling me what THEY decided to call me, they want to come home.  Right now, they have twoo daddies, one is with them all the time and goes through the pain the endure as well as all the love they feel, but isn't around when the other takes over...fighting to try and make them NOT call me daddy.  What kind of a life is that for them...it won't be long before they decide they can't stand going over there because he is too full of himself and has forgotten what being a daddy is all about.  

I hope things get better for you and your son.  I pray that he will grow up to be a loving son.  I also pray that your ex begins to see past himself and starts to concentrate on spending some quality time with your son and forget about all that %^&* that is only harming him.  Like I said, I think he should be jailed. Let those mean guys in jail beat him up...then he'll wish he would have treated his son like a son instead of some weapon against you.

[worriedmom]

OK well things might b worse but i would liketo thank ALL of u for your comments, I have certainly put them all to use or kept in mind.
I went to mediation last weekend (9-18-05) and i think by going, things became worse. This update is going to be a couple posts long but i want all the information in this so you can get a good picture and then I can understand your advice better if you choose to reply. ALL replies welcome whether you agree, disagree or indifferent. I need to know if what I am doing is right for my son. I am a young mother and this is my first child of 3 so i really have a lot to learn still. Here's my outline i made for mediation/list to discuss with my sons dad. The next post will b his comments to each topic and the mediators comments. NOTE: During mediation i did NOT at all accuse him of anything on the list. I asked him for his input on our sons behavior that has suddenly occurred in the past 7 months.

Mediation List of Things to Discuss
1. Not Being Involved with Lukis- Facts
  A. Kindergarten Night- didnt show up
  B. Kindergarten Screening (I asked him to go)- didnt show up
  C. Karate Nights- dosent come when he tells lukis he will be there
  D. First Day of Kindergarten- never even called to ask how it went
  E.Hasnt asked how hes doing in school
  F. Hasnt wanted to see his work hes been doing
  G. Called him to let him know about 103.8 fever- never called back

2. Not informing me of Changes
  A. His GF's hospitalization-I let him have him 3 days that were my week and asked him to call if anything changed (she was going in labor)
She was sent home that night and he never called
  B. His GF (i had never met) brought Lukis home and told me BD was helping dad (Lukis told me he went with the police and BD told me he was working)

3. Physical Appearance when brought back after 2 days
  A. Dirty/ Stinks
  B. Black Bags under eyes
  C. Shaky
  D. Returned Lukis in 95 degree heat with a 2T Sweatshirt(he wears a 6) and 3T pants (he wears a 7) and put on his coat. None of these clothes were the clothes I sent with him.

4. Picking Fights with my son around
  A. Lukis's Birthday (He was only supposed to have him from 9-6 and argued that I couldnt have him until 2 days after his bday when he knew i had a party planned at 8.)
  B. Sent him home with no underwear and told me I have all his underwear (yelling at me)
  C. I wrote him a "truce" letter offering parenting classes for parents that live apart ( Parenting Together Living Apart- name of classes)- he never responded and refused parenting classes with me
  D. His GF cussing me out in the background when I am trying to talk to him (my son was at his house and i could hear him crying hysterically) so I hung up to hopefully stop the yelling over there.

5. Violence
  A. He lets him play a MA rated game that i asked him to not let him play bc he comes home being violent towards my 2 yr old.
  B. Play fighting is ok but he doesnt stop when my son asks him to so he ends up being upset and not wanting to go back

6. Concerning things Lukis says when he comes home
  A. Our house is not his home
  B. If he doesnt hurt his brother then the bad guys from jail will come kill him
  C. He doesnt have to listen to us because his dad says so
  D. If he calls my husband dad then he will get spanked
    a. Scared of dad because of this
  E. He is not supposed to love us when he is at his dads
  F. He does not get showers or baths- begs for a shower the night he comes home
  G. Police officers are bad-doesnt like them ( I am in the police academy to be a police officer)
  H. Lukis questioning me about his BD going away with the police
  I. Swearing at us and using discriminating words towards other races (e.g. N****R, B***H, F***ER, and many more)
 J. His BD is mean to his GF and he doesnt like it
  K. Asked why his dad calls me a B****

7. Smoking weed around my son
  A. Wasnt able to tie Lukis's shoes, took him 3 trys on each shoe, moving slowly, and avoiding any eye contact or conversation with me
  B. Lukis rolled up a peice of paper like a joint(licked it and twisted the ends then acted like he was smoking it)

8. Calling Lukis names
  A. F***ER- I have yelled at him for saying this to him, I was present when this occurred
  B. Prick- Lukis asked me to tell him not to call him this bc it hurts his feelings
  C. Whiny baby- Upset Lukis and he wouldnt talk to us because "I am just a whiny baby" Lukis's exact words


This is my mediation outline, I am going to post his remarks and as you may have gathered in the beginning of post that it didnt go very well.

[worriedmom]

Here is my sons BD comments:

1A. NO REPLY, Just shrugged at me
  B. His boss wouldnt give him a long lunch
  C. Doesnt get off work in time and has another child at home to worry about ( I have 2 other children as well)
  D.NO REPLY, just shrugged
  E.He says he asks Lukis
  F. NO REPLY, just shrugged
  G. NO REPLY, again just shrugged

2A. He says I wasnt "specific enough"
  B. Says He was at work

3A. Says I send him dirty and he stinks- denied not giving him bath
  B.He doesnt sleep all night, stays up and watches TV
* Sleeps all night at my house
  C. NO REPLY
  D. says they were the clothes I sent him in and that I dont give his clothes back

4A. Says I wasnt supposed to have him at all that weekend
  B. Says I dont send him in underwear so he sends him back in his underwear and he had no underwear on when returned because he didnt have any
  C. He didnt want to go to parenting classed because "he doesnt need them." but he did recieve the letter
  D. Says my husband does the same thing and denied his GF doing it
*My husband leaves the room when we talk so he doesnt have the want to get involved.

5A. Doesnt play that game anymore
  B. Always stops when lukis wants to- Lukis comes home and says otherwise
 
6A. NO REPLY- Shrugged and grinned
  B. Doesnt know where he got it
  C. Denied saying that to him
  D. Denied saying that to him
  E. Denied
  F. Denied
  G. Shrugged and grinned NO REPLY
  H. Denied, (2 different stories between him and his GF)
  I. Says uses the N word as a slang toward his friends "not a big deal"
  J. Says "everybody fights"
* I dont ever argue in front of my kids
  K. Denied calling me a B****


He pretty much turnedeverything I said and made it look like it was coming from me and the mediator was fishing him excuses like:

"well you couldnt make it because I imagine you were at work"
"did you give him notice?"
"well you probably just didnt have the time bc of your new baby"
* I have a 2 month and 2 yr old *
"maybe you should let him take him every wednesday to let him catch up"

and many more the only thing she said in my defense was the parenting classes. I dont think she was mediating very well. She would fish him these excuses and of course he would agree to them. She gave me a bad attitude the entire time. I think I just made things a lot worse. Any comments appreciated. I feel like a fool that I actually thought he would want to talk and work on working together. I feel like I may have put my son in more danger. I am scared of what hes going to do to Lukis because he knows lukis told me all this.

One more thing- During mediation BD left my son outside in the truck with his grandpa and GF and they didnt have the truck on in 100 degree weather. My son got in my van and told me he didnt feel good because he was too hot. He was flushed out and ready to pass out. He was also in a long sleeve shirt and pants. This really ticked me off. Mediation was 3 hours long.

I feel like I am just going to have to wait unitl my son is dead or hospitalized b4 I can do a damn thing about this.
 

[worriedmom]

Something I forgot to put in about the weed smoking. I know for a FACT that he smokes weed from the time he wakes up till he goes to bed and so does his GF I have seen him do it and I honestly think he is back on meth but I have no proof and I have no proof he is doing it around my son. I just wanted to point out that i dont think he does weed, I KNOW he does weed. He admitted it in mediation actually, but I knew before then.