My Moral Dilemma

[Astro]

Hello to all again...

Some of you may remember a couple of my writings concerning this situation earlier this year.

Last February my son's mother had called me saying she couldn't handle my son and that he needed my influence.  Of course I jumped on the chance (after talking her out of it the first couple of times because I knew she'd change her mind (she did)).  So since February 6th he has been here living with me!!

Neither of us want(ed) to go through the fiasco of court and so we made some promises.  I promised that I wouldn't try to "take" custody of him and she promised that she would send back all the child support that I'm required to send through the state.  To this end she signed a notarized statement saying that she would send it all back while he was in my custody.  Our agreement was left a little open--seeing how he would do through the rest of the school year here and discuss where he'd be later.

To date, almost 5 months, I've not received a dime.  Of course.  I really didn't think that she could part with free money.  Plus now that she has more free time she has actually gotten a job as a flagger.  I don't know for sure the wage but I do know that they do pretty well.  I have asked her about it on several occasions, of course being real careful not to push the wrong buttons, and her only response has been for me to not freak out and that she'd send it.

The real issue is not the $2500 that I've donated so far, although it would certainly help with raising my son, but the fact that her contact with our son is very limited.  Phone calls average about 1 1/2 weeks (less at the end of the month due to her prepaid cellphone plan) and she's seen him only once in the interim.  She called on his birthday, but he received absolutely nothing from neither she nor all of her family that she lives with/near.  Not even cards.  I could tell he was hurt but he didn't want to talk about it.  Her visit with him was a week after his birthday (for a week) and he still got nothing.  It's been a month since then but that bugged me.

My dilemma is this--I KNOW that he is much better off with me.  I take him to appointments, do his eye therapy, take him to softball everyday, read with him, etc.  None of this was done with him by her.  At all.  I am a man of my word and I made a promise not to take her to court.  For that matter she made a promise regarding the child support.  She reneged on her end.  But two wrongs don't make a right.  Right?  If I filed for a change I would feel bad about reneging.  But the best interest of my son is at hand--so I could live with that.

I've read and heard that 6 months is the magic number when it comes to a "significant change in circumstance."  However he will be going to spend the rest of the summer with her sometime in July and come back for the next (this) school year (that's the plan, anyhow.)  For me to file soon is before that 6 months--and if I were to file later there would be that 1 to 1 1/2 months where he was with her.  I am a bit cynical when it comes to the court system and I figure that if there's a way to get screwed they'll find it.  So the question is--what would you do?  Is there a way to do this without having to physically show up in court?  Should I get a lawyer?  I know the answer to that--I just can't afford one again.  

Also, in anyone's experience, is there any merit whatsoever in the notarized statement she signed stating she'd send back the support while he is with me--or is that just fuel for a proverbial fire.....

[Peanutsdad]

JMHO,


But I would wait until you have him there for the new school year. When you file, ALSO file that the current staus quo on where he is residing be kept pending final decision of the court.

[wendl]

well hope your documenting everything to show you have been the primary care provider for all this time.

I would suggest consulting some attorneys and see what their opinion is, you can also post on Socs board and see what he says.

:)


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Kitty C.]

I agree.  Wait until he comes back from BM's before taking any action whatsoever.  And with what you've descibed so far, I've got a feeling that she might not take him at all, or could very possibly cut the visit short.

But since she's not holding up her end of the agreement, YOU now need something more concrete to make the situation more secure for the welfare of your son.  Let him go to BM's, for however long she'll keep him, but when he gets back, FILE!

[patton]

Make double sure that your decree is at least one year old or the Judge will toss everyting out.

I actually had son with me for 6 months, BUT because the orignal decree was not at least one year old she would not even hear the case.

[Astro]

My thanks to those who responded--and sorry about not getting back sooner--work has been hectic.

I will probably seek a lawyer'$ advice....  I have been documenting with the PTT now for about 3 years.  Hopefully it will be of use.....

Any comments on the validity of the notarized statement??

[ksmomof2girls]

JMHO...

I think that it would stand up in court.....and its proof that she agreed to it..because she signed it.

[Hawkeye]

pardon my brevity, but at least your ex calls... mine just harrases.... is getting funnier tho, she can't seem to tell the diff tween 'need and want'

no more whining, no more excuses....

[Astro]

LOL--Believe me--it sure USED to be harassment.  Nasty, out of this world, jaw dropping, psychotic harassment.  I taped and transcribed most of these calls.  She "won" custody by the skin of her teeth with a very strong admonishment from the judge telling her that if this (or anything else to inhibit my visitation) happened again that he would overturn his decision.  I think it was my transcriptions that did it--I saw his reaction when he read them.  

It did get better from there--albeit slowly.  She is now pretty civil.  And yes, "need and want" are one and the same to her, too.  Hedonism.  There ought to be a pill for that....  :)

[rainbow1]

Keep track of all time he is with you. Wait and see if she brings up having him come during summer. If she is enjoying her freedom, she may not. Start checking into GOOD lawyers in this field NOW!

[txblonde]

Since she broke her promise to return the money, all bets are off the table.  Get full custody, get a lawyer and document.  If the tables were turned and you had custody, she would be paying you child support.  This will help you pay for the lawyer fees.  

[gipsy]

Here's what I have found with atty's . I fired two !! And finally figured it out ! Call A bunch [lot's] of atty's tell them the Very basics , NO bitching , There is atty's out there that will just ask you a couple pertinent questions . And give you pertinent answers , Like what the law say's about length of time the child resides with you to get a change of custody , And if the notarised agreement will hold water in court , I have had my share of troubles in life and it is my opinion that when there was an agreement . And two people don't live up to it . then thats when you ask a few atty's,, I have used two atty's  That were good, no BS types , I feel the best way is to ask them first if you have a legal chance based on what ?, And secondly if they will help prop se , If they are willing to help you pro se thats a good sign , the good atty's I have used tell me exactly what I need an atty For. I Have went prop se and won cases And know people [men] that have accomplished things pro se , What A good atty has told me is what My argument is . To the court , And I am telling you that It has always been pretty simple ,And thats what a good atty should tell you , the reason, I changed from pro se and used the atty's was simple , Although my arguments were simple the stakes are high , And I need to present the right fact's , Thats why you should then choose to hire an atty , But if a decent atty tells you , " Your argument is simple , The boy has been with You for X Time and you prove it to the court and Thats Your best shot "If its simple Like that, Then Maybe the atty  will help file it pro se . with the idea that if it gets complicated then He will take the case ,The point I am trying to get across is this , A real human will tell you the facts  Fairly quickly. And as My good atty say's Family law is not some complex , Hard to understand legal jumbo . And the judge really has a lot of room to make the decision He /she wants , And [ two Atty's] Told me In separate cases Its more important to look like the good parent and try look good to the judge When you are asking the judge to do what you want ,There is a lot of latitude in family law , the judge can decide to do what they . want, The main thing to understand is You want an atty that treats you like Some one installing some  gadget would , they are willing to give some explanation of the facts knowing that You probably won't get it any way , But you are a customer and they treat you like one .But You have to think about it , Because I fell for the big blowhard story crappola atty . Thats no good iether , You want an atty that Just tells you if you have an argument or not , And don't forget Your parenting plan May read that You have to  Go to dispute resolution or some process before bringing any of this before the judge again , And you will get there and the judge will say , Did you go to dispute resolution ? You say DUH ? no! The judge will say OK read the parenting plan , Where it say's where to go to before bringing it to the court again . Trust me I had a dipshit atty Not even do that , And a good atty say The above about the judge, And sure enough my plan said I had to apply to dispute resolution , And the dip atty would have charged me for the judge to tell me what the parenting plan say's , So first read the parenting plan about changes , Then maybe she will go to the disput process and put all this into the effect of a court order that say's what you both agreed to , then take the order to child support that say's what you agreeed to And stop the support payment . Here dispute resolution costs 75 $ Its some how connected to the court . so call the court anyway and ask them if there is some sort of mediation or dispute process you could use before returning to court . then apply they send papers to both parties , then send a report ,the order could simply read ,         no change of custody but , while child resides at dads child support to mom ceases.And the child will reside with dad for the following school year  , try it