secrets?

[gollymolly]

i have been amidst a custody modification battle with my ex going on three years now... really slow moving.
during this time i got pregnant with my third child by my new husband.

now i am pregnant again... and this time with twins. we were concerned that we must wait a little while to let my ex in on the news, because of the possible reprecussions.  about two weeks ago my oldest children (from the previous marriage) found out about the pregnancy by mistake.

they are really excited, but i talked with them about the fact that i had planned to set a meeting with their father to tell him the news as well as other things that needed to be discussed. i wanted to be the one to tell him and have been attempting to arrange a third party meeting to do so... which has been difficult.

my ex is a hot head and very verbally abusive. i cannot have phone conversations with him or speak to him without a third party present. we mostly communicate via email.

i explained to our children that it wasn't a big deal. if it slipped out in conversation with dad or stepmom that it was ok and if asked, they certainly should not lie to them about it.  i just asked that they give me a little time to tell him myself.

tonight when my daughter called, she told me that the secret slipped out today. she said that her dad told her it wasn't good to keep a secret and that he would talk with me. i told her well, you knew you weren't going to get in trouble if it accidently came out. and she said 'i know.'

my explaining all of this to the ex will not make a difference. it will all be blown out of proportion. however, i do understand that to an extent it wasn't exactly the best thing to do. i just did not see any other choice in the matter. i know that our best communication is with our family pastor and that was the intention.

what do you think?

[ocean]

Kids are kids and you do not have to tell him anything, he is now EX-husband. You do not owe the ex any explanation and I would not comment on it any further. If you are asked about it in court, I would say that you planned on telling ex in person at the next mediation but that the children had told him before you got there" Not really any of his business and should not interfer with the current court case.
IF you feel the need to tell him, maybe just e-mail a quick "We were not going to say anything to any family members until a little longer inthe pregnancy but the children said it came out over the last visitation. We are having twins and all the kids are very excited"
Congratulations!!!

[gollymolly]

thank you. that is exactly what my husband says.

i guess i have allowed him to make me feel defensive. it seems a weekly event that he accuses me of something i didn't do or twisting something the kids have said.

only recently have i stopped trying to 'explain' everything, like i have to defend my actions, decisions, or parenting ability.

he is a very controlling person and attempts to micromanage our household, but really it is my fault for allowing him to get to my that way.

[Kitty C.]

If he gets really pissy with you regarding the pregnancy, tell him to talk to an OB/GYN.  I miscarried twice before I had DS, so I waited until my 2nd trimester before I even told my own mother!  Of course, we were also 1800 miles apart at the time, but I told her I didn't want to say something prematurely then have a repeat of the previous pregnancies.  It would have devastated her.

With twins, it's even more so.  I'm not trying to scare you, but it is a legitimate reason to tell your ex why you wanted to wait to talk about it.  Not like he even deserves it, tho!  You really don't owe him any explanation at all!

[gollymolly]

that is exactly why i have been cautious. i knew of the high risk with this pregnancy. i too have had two miscarriages in the past and many female problems prior to this pregnancy. it took over a year for this to happen.

[CGS]

I know it's a hard pattern to break, but stop defending your life decisions to your x. He is your X and you don't owe him anything by way of an explanation.

If he brings it up, do as the other posters have said and simply say you meant to tell him but the children are so excited they let it slip first! End of story!

You deserve to be happy and move on with your life, anf frankly having children with your new husband is none of his business!

[gollymolly]

well, this got worse.

of course my ex emailed me stating that i hurt the children by asking them to keep a secret.

when they returned home we talked about it all. it turns out that dad and stepmom sat them down and made them upset by telling them it was wrong to not tell them, that they should have told them about it and that it was the same thing as lying.

they have spanked the children for lying... so of course they were upset and crying.

i feel horrible!  poor babies!!!  i told them that they did nothing wrong and that i was sorry that they had to deal with that situation. i also explained my philosophy on secrets once again and that it is not just 'black and white' or 'good secrets and bad secrets' but that they are old enough to make the decision on their own.

it is only a bad secret if it hurts them or upsets them to keep it or it will hurt someone else if they keep the secret.

what a mess.
i told their dad that i felt the situation could have been approached differently. and in doing so, it could have spared the kids the guilt and hurt that occurred.