Should I Force Daughter to Discuss Female Issues with Dad?

[Ref]

I wouldn't be comfortable talking to my dad about that stuff. Shoot, it was hard enough talking to my mom.

Why don't you work on your approach a little with this? Keep your daughter out of the middle. She is only 11 and probably wont have any real questions of her own to ask the doctor. Ask her to write down her questions and then you call the doctor and speak with him and get your questions answered without your DD being embarressed. You can even take it a step farther and ask the dad if he has any questions for you to get answered during your call and tell him you would be happy to pass on the information to him.

Just because your DD isn't comfortable discussing these things with her dad, doesn't mean he isn't entitled to the information related to the issues. So the important thing to remember is getting him all the information he wants while avoiding embarrisment to you DD.

Chances are your ex isn't trying to do this because he wants to upset you or your daughter. He probably has a fear that you are going to deminish his role as a father. My DH's importance as a father was completly deminished by SD's BM and I can tell you there are few things more upsetting in the world to deal with.

Make him a part of the discussions, with your DD not there. This should help all involved.

Best wishes,
Ref

[greatdad]

>I wouldn't be comfortable talking to my dad about that stuff.
>Shoot, it was hard enough talking to my mom.
>
>Why don't you work on your approach a little with this? Keep
>your daughter out of the middle. She is only 11 and probably
>wont have any real questions of her own to ask the doctor. Ask
>her to write down her questions and then you call the doctor
>and speak with him and get your questions answered without
>your DD being embarressed. You can even take it a step farther
>and ask the dad if he has any questions for you to get
>answered during your call and tell him you would be happy to
>pass on the information to him.

Betteryet, Dad should go to the appointment and ask the questions first ad then ask the Dr. to be present for a 3 way conversation with his daughter.The Dr can "soften" things if they need it.
>
>Just because your DD isn't comfortable discussing these things
>with her dad, doesn't mean he isn't entitled to the
>information related to the issues. So the important thing to
>remember is getting him all the information he wants while
>avoiding embarrisment to you DD.

Excellent advice, and likely all he wants
>
>Chances are your ex isn't trying to do this because he wants
>to upset you or your daughter. He probably has a fear that you
>are going to deminish his role as a father.

Spot on to the perception
 My DH's importance
>as a father was completly deminished by SD's BM and I can tell
>you there are few things more upsetting in the world to deal
>with.
>So that proved the theory doesn't it

>Make him a part of the discussions, with your DD not there.
>This should help all involved.
Jus keep him in the loop, it will soon take it's own direction.
>  I am having similar issues about ear piercing with my 7 year old, so I went to a shop that does it and my daughter and I sat and watched it be performed on 2 others, then I asked if she was ready. She decided to wait a bit longer. BUT she and I watched together and made the decision together....it was a nice bonding experience.

If more woman would just  ease off a bit and teac us men, some of the "girl" stuff,they may find we are eager learners who will really have much more respect for them afterward.
>Best wishes,
>Ref

[iceclimber]

i have encouraged our daughter to talk with her dad. she is adamant that she does not wish to do so.
as far as giving him information obtained in private conversations with her.... i do not feel comfortable with that.
i make time for regular private chat time with both of our children. and the most important thing to them is that it is confidential.
i have violated that in the past more than once, by discussing these things with dad.
it harmed our relationship for some time.

at this point, the children understand that there will be some things that it is important for me to share with their dad, some things that they will need to talk with him about because they are just as much responsible for the relationship with their father as he is.... and they too have to make that effort.

however, i feel this is a different.

and this is not a 'health' issue. she isn't ill. and i truly feel it would be harmful.

BUT... this is not what this was about for me. and that is totally the point. this is not about dad, this is not about me.

this is about our daughter and encouraging a relationship with her doctor.
her pediatrician is a very good friend. i could just talk with him about these things and not have even mentioned it, but i want D to understand that her doctor is there for her and will maintain confidentiality.
and that if she wants to speak with him privately (without me present), she can do so.
i want this relationship developed now, so that if there is ever a need for medical care that she is afraid to come to us about she will not wait to seek treatment.

[iceclimber]

........

[iceclimber]

because he does not have that type of relationship with her.
i don't doubt that he loves her. i just do not feel that he has laid the foundation for it... so it's not there.

so even though i explained that DD did not wish to talk with him about these things, he feels it is my responsibility to make that happen.

[iceclimber]

we have a 50/50 rotating
the first three years, he was happy that i did it all, but dad has been much more involved lately.
it could be because of the modification for full custody he filed.......
either way more involved is good for the kids.

[Ref]

I come from the other side of the table. I am trying not to get angry or defensive, so forgive me if I get a little out of hand with my response.

This is a medical issue. You are voluntarily looking to have her get a shot that recent news has shown may has serious negative consequences . She may not be ill, but there is a chance that this shot could cause problems. DH should be entitled to any bit of information that he can get.

Your last paragraph is why I started to get upset. You discribe how YOU think she should learn to have a relationship with her doctor. This is how YOU want to parent and it seems that you think you have overriding authority. This is not how you co-parent. If he feels that it is important to understand what is going on with your childs physical being, then he should be entitled to every piece of information he wants, whether it goes along with your plans or not.

Having a conversation with your ex should follow the same guidelines as if you were still married. Imagine if you had a great relationship with the father and you were still together and he said "I really want to know more about how DD is doing. What are her concerns about this shot and how is she feeling about becoming a woman?" Would you turn around and walk away? Would you say that it isn't any of his business? No reasonable person would do that.

If you are reasonable and have any bit of brains you can figure out a way to discuss your daughter's physical changes and other medical issues without betraying a thing. That is a poor excuse.

Sorry to be upset, but your thought process is exactly what I was talking about. You make yourself to be the overrding parent and it is completely unfair to BF.

Good luck
Ref

[iceclimber]

actually... .no i am not looking to get her the shot. dad and i have already talked about the shot and decided to wait.

i do involve him in every decision.

i just don't think she should have to talk with him about her genitalia.

this is ONE appointment.

he doesn't want to talk to me about it. he wants me to get her to talk to him about it.

i can see what you are saying and it really gives me more to think about, but feel some things have been misunderstood.

basically... we will be discussing this with the psychologist. i will go along with her recommendations, since she really knows everyone and everything that is going on verses one blog entry.

i really want us to go a parenting coordinator, but he refuses. i think it would really help reduce conflict and would be a benefit for the children.

[Ref]

Like I said before. I totally agree with your daughter not wanting to talk specifics with her dad about her private bits. I am saying that you comfort BF by talking to him about it as parents. Just like you would if he was your husband.

If you had a little boy and he was having boy puberty issues, would you be ok with not being kept up to date on how he is doing physically? You wouldn't want to know the extreme details, but you probably would want to know about wetdreams so that you can handle it if he had a mysterious need to wash his own sheets in the middle of the night. I am guessing that is the type of stuff that your ex would want to know.

The more you offer to him, the less he will feel the need to go directly to your daughter. Keep conversations open and honest.

Listen, nobody knows who you are here. What are these issues that should be kept from BF? Is it her period? Is it sex?

How about you offer ways to help BF comfortably address these issues with her? Maybe you can suggest a book on female development for preteens that he can give to her and say "if you have any questions I am always here".

I am just throwing out ideas here. To me, the trick is to do two things at the same time. 1. Keep your daughter as comfortable as possible. 2. Enable BF to have all the information you would want to have in his shoes.  It is tricky sometimes. Sometimes you have to think outside of the obvious. It is doable and if you keep those two things as the goal you should be able to get the right answer.

Take care,
Ref

[olanna]

like you are more interested your daughter developing a relationship with her doctor than her dad.  I find that quite odd. No matter how much you may dislike your ex, you need to learn to love your daughter more than you dislike him.