Touchy Subject

[dipper]

Dear Soc,

My husband has joint legal of 12 year old son.  We are in Va.  My husband is on unpaid medical leave for about six weeks now as he is ill and was in hospital for two weeks.  In August, we kept ss for three weeks.  I have paid two insurance premiums for husband and his son.  I have also bought child clothes and school supplies and paid toward medical bills.

SS molested my child while here.  It did not go any further than touching, but she was held down and threatened punishment if she told.  My husband wants counselling for ss, but now that school is starting he will not be here for us to get it.  His ex is not someone he can talk to about this.  Also, we have not reported it to the cops, but have been told that we should and have them call the mom to bring ss in.  My daughter is receiving counselling now.  I believe ss needs it - this is just one further step in a line of destructive behavior for this child.  

Husband is afraid his ex will keep the son away from him completely.  She is demanding money for school and making snide comments to the child about him spending all his money on his 'new family' although she knows he is not getting any money while not working.

Soc, is there any way to force her into getting the child counselling?


And, doesnt child support cover things such as school fees?  She moved to a much more expensive town and expects my husband to pay for her decision...................

[socrateaser]

I'm sorry to inform you of this, but your priorities are messed up. Your primary responsibility is to protect YOUR child from your husband's child.

You either have your husband send his son back to his Mom, until your child is full grown, or you send your child back to her father until she is full grown, or you move out, because the problem that you are describing will probably never be fixed in counselling, and even if it is, YOU CAN'T TAKE THE CHANCE THAT IT WON'T!

Your husband's illness and his child support issues, difficult as they may be, must all take a back seat to your child's safety. And, until you fix your problem, you have no room to be worrying about your husband's child support woes.

[dipper]

Soc, I have to respectfully disagree with one comment - counselling can help ss if he receives it.  If there is no help for him, then what should be done?  My daughter's counselor recommended both counselling and calling the police to treat ss.  My concern is what will happen if he doesnt get it - not to my child as if he is ever here again, there will not be a chance - but, he could harm others if we use the 'out of sight, out of mind' thinking.

I did give you the shortened version of what is going on.  My daughter is wanting to put it all behind her, which I do not think is healthy.  You are right though - there are bigger concerns here then CS at this point.

Thank you!!

[socrateaser]

>Soc, I have to respectfully disagree with one comment -
>counselling can help ss if he receives it.  If there is no
>help for him, then what should be done?  My daughter's
>counselor recommended both counselling and calling the police
>to treat ss.  My concern is what will happen if he doesnt get
>it - not to my child as if he is ever here again, there will
>not be a chance - but, he could harm others if we use the 'out
>of sight, out of mind' thinking.

Re counselling, I don't really have near enough facts to be able to analyze whether your SS has a problem that can be remedied by therapy. But, the raw statistics are overwhelmingly against sexual abusers being cured, no matter how long they receive treatment and regardless of what treatment they receive.

So, my point is still the same. You are rolling the dice in a casino where the odds strongly disfavor you. Can you win? Yep. You can win the Lotto, too, but I wouldn't count on it to buy bread and milk.

Anyway, you seem pretty thoughtful -- I'm sure you'll find a way through it all. And, no, "don't shoot him -- that will just make him angry!" -- Gene Wilder re Alex Karas as Mongo, "Blazing Saddles."

[Kitty C.]

And I find myself in a peculiar situation, as I never dreamed I'd totally disagree with you, Soc.  But I certainly do in this case.

It is proven that sexual abusers have a HIGH risk to re-offend.  BUT that's only in regards to adult offenders, NOT children.  DS was abused by a playmate many years ago, without my knowledge, and has displayed inappropriate sexual behavior because of that incident.  Not all child offenders start that way, but many do.  DS has an EXCELLENT therapist who has worked with the juvenile justice system, other govt. agencies, and in a large private practice.  She is in high demand not only because therapists like her are few and far between, but because she is possibly the best in the state.

After working with her for the past 9 months, I have learned a LOT about child sexual offenders.  It is almost a guarantee that, left untreated, a child will reoffend just as easily as an adult.  BUT children respond to therapy much better than adults do in this arena.  If caught early and treated extensively, it is possible to rehabilitate the child in their thinking processes.

JMO, but my recommendation would be to bring this out in court, if you have any suspicion that the BM will not actively seek treatment for the boy.  It would be the only way to court order her to do so and to guarantee that the boy gets the help he needs.  I also strongly recommend that your DD continue counseling as well.  Whether you report to the police is a moot point.  Because if the boy is not treated, he WILL reoffend and the next time it could very well land him in juvenile hall and his name on the state sex offender registry for a VERY long time.

[dipper]

Soc, I have to respectfully disagree with one comment - counselling can help ss if he receives it.  If there is no help for him, then what should be done?  My daughter's counselor recommended both counselling and calling the police to treat ss.  My concern is what will happen if he doesnt get it - not to my child as if he is ever here again, there will not be a chance - but, he could harm others if we use the 'out of sight, out of mind' thinking.

I did give you the shortened version of what is going on.  My daughter is wanting to put it all behind her, which I do not think is healthy.  You are right though - there are bigger concerns here then CS at this point.

Thank you!!

[socrateaser]

>Soc, I have to respectfully disagree with one comment -
>counselling can help ss if he receives it.  If there is no
>help for him, then what should be done?  My daughter's
>counselor recommended both counselling and calling the police
>to treat ss.  My concern is what will happen if he doesnt get
>it - not to my child as if he is ever here again, there will
>not be a chance - but, he could harm others if we use the 'out
>of sight, out of mind' thinking.

Re counselling, I don't really have near enough facts to be able to analyze whether your SS has a problem that can be remedied by therapy. But, the raw statistics are overwhelmingly against sexual abusers being cured, no matter how long they receive treatment and regardless of what treatment they receive.

So, my point is still the same. You are rolling the dice in a casino where the odds strongly disfavor you. Can you win? Yep. You can win the Lotto, too, but I wouldn't count on it to buy bread and milk.

Anyway, you seem pretty thoughtful -- I'm sure you'll find a way through it all. And, no, "don't shoot him -- that will just make him angry!" -- Gene Wilder re Alex Karas as Mongo, "Blazing Saddles."

[Kitty C.]

And I find myself in a peculiar situation, as I never dreamed I'd totally disagree with you, Soc.  But I certainly do in this case.

It is proven that sexual abusers have a HIGH risk to re-offend.  BUT that's only in regards to adult offenders, NOT children.  DS was abused by a playmate many years ago, without my knowledge, and has displayed inappropriate sexual behavior because of that incident.  Not all child offenders start that way, but many do.  DS has an EXCELLENT therapist who has worked with the juvenile justice system, other govt. agencies, and in a large private practice.  She is in high demand not only because therapists like her are few and far between, but because she is possibly the best in the state.

After working with her for the past 9 months, I have learned a LOT about child sexual offenders.  It is almost a guarantee that, left untreated, a child will reoffend just as easily as an adult.  BUT children respond to therapy much better than adults do in this arena.  If caught early and treated extensively, it is possible to rehabilitate the child in their thinking processes.

JMO, but my recommendation would be to bring this out in court, if you have any suspicion that the BM will not actively seek treatment for the boy.  It would be the only way to court order her to do so and to guarantee that the boy gets the help he needs.  I also strongly recommend that your DD continue counseling as well.  Whether you report to the police is a moot point.  Because if the boy is not treated, he WILL reoffend and the next time it could very well land him in juvenile hall and his name on the state sex offender registry for a VERY long time.

[dipper]

This child has a history of lying, stealing (even in stores), vandalizing (slashed neighbor's tires, shot another's new truck with a bb gun), fights in school - and he has ADHD - I think his behavior will continue to escalate if left unchecked.  I do see Soc's thoughts on this happening again though - I would not let him be out of my eyesight with my girls again.  However, he will only be doing weekends with us while in school - and there are no weekend counselling centers around here.  That is why it is important for her to take care of that part.  She was supposed to call back and has not done so.  Honestly, I think she is probably talking with her lawyer on how she can use this to stop visitation all together.  She didnt even tell the kid he had done wrong - just asked him what happened.  Whenever he does something it is inevitably blamed on my husband.  

To me, seeing that her child has this line of destructive behavior - if she refuses to get him help, that should be considered neglect - to him and to society as well.  

My dd seems to be doing well.  She will remain in counselling as I know that even if she isnt showing outward signs, there is no telling how this can all be scrambled in her head.  And if she is in counselling and ss is not - that seems to be a messed up message to her as well.  

[Kitty C.]

Have you tried someone with a private practice?  DS's therapist works out of her home and we have 6 pm. appts., so that I don't have to take time off work so much.  Don't give up on trying to locate a therapist in your area, you just might be surprised!  I know I was......therapist was even willing to meet us as a family unit on a Sat., since DH is out of town all week long, and I know she'd do it again for us if we needed to.

As for your DD, I really don't think it would be a mixed message of she's getting help and your SS is not.  That's part of what counseling works on, dealing with how the other person is acting/doing.  If nothing else, make sure she stays with it until the counselor tells you she's doing okay.