Need help - remarriage quandry

[catherine]

Soc, these are the "facts" and although it seems like I am degrading the opponent, well, the facts are indeed facts ....

DH has had custody of minor children (6 and 11) since August '02.  He has joint legal and primary physical.  State is FL.  Previously, he was NCP for approx 2 years, which was difficult (visitation denial, phone denial, PAS type behaviors).  BM gave him custody when he petitioned for 50/50.  BM is a constant problem as NCP and enjoys undermining our relationship with the kids on a weekly basis.  YSS was diagnosed with ADHD and she refuses to give him his meds and tells him that he doesn't have it.  She refused to take part in the diagnosis but did attend about 2 of the psychiatrist appointments.  


Her latest stunt is disturbing and that's why I must ask for direction.  About 6 weeks ago, she broke up with a man she was dating for 2-3 months prior.  When the kids asked her why they broke up she stated that "he decided to go back to his wife".  This past weekend, she called the kids on Sunday morning and told them that her and this man are getting married "within two weeks".  He is an Arab from Morocco.  He has only met YSS once briefly, and has never met OSS.  It's obvious that the marriage is a fraud and he will benefit by getting a Visa in the US, and she believes that it will help her get the kids back.  

She has been living with family ever since the custody change, as she is seemingly incapable of budgeting and surviving on her own.  She's burnt a lot of bridges with her family and she isn't even on speaking terms with her own mother at this point.

The kids are in a group counseling program for children of divorce (2nd session as they did the program last year too).  Dh and I are resigned to the fact that there isn't really that much we can do with this other than be there for the kids.  My internal question remains, "What type of person marries someone without having developed a relationship with her children beforehand?"  

The kids have already been bribed because this man works for a major theme part and they have been promised that anytime they want to go, they will be able to go for free because Mom is going to be married to this guy.  So of course they are excited about that and they want to see their Mom happy.

1)   Would you demand that DH meet this man in person before allowing visitation?
2)   If he meets him, what sort of things should DH ask him?
3)   If DH refused visitation (it would be the first time ever) because BM didn't want them to meet, what would a judge say about that in court for contempt?
4)   Would you pursue the false marriage with the INS department?
5)   YSS has already stated that "he is getting a new daddy" and this has hurt my DH very much.  Do you have any advice for speaking with the child about this or for my DH?
6)   Do you have any other general advice on how to handle the impact this is going to make in all of our lives?

Thanks in advance.

[socrateaser]

>1)   Would you demand that DH meet this man in person before
>allowing visitation?

You have no right to demand anything. If you are concerned about the putative stepparent, then ask to meet him for lunch -- and ask him, personally, not your ex, because that is the person whose character you need to assess.

>2)   If he meets him, what sort of things should DH ask him?

I'd just be friendly, and try to let him do the talking. You should just express your love for your child and your hope that he will be a good friend to the child. If you try to couch everything in terms of your relationship with your ex, this man will become defensive and close you out completely. Men from Islamic countries are frequently used to being completely in control of their relationships and their women, and if you give your ex deference to this man, he will probably be offended.

>3)   If DH refused visitation (it would be the first time ever)
>because BM didn't want them to meet, what would a judge say
>about that in court for contempt?

The judge would find you in contempt, unless you can show a clear threat to the child's safety.

>4)   Would you pursue the false marriage with the INS
>department?

You are jumping to conclusions -- you don't know that the marriage is a fraud, however, INS will be extremely interested without your input, because of this man's nationality and the location of his residence. Mohamad Ata, the pilot of the first plane to hit the twin towers lived in FL.

>5)   YSS has already stated that "he is getting a new daddy" and
>this has hurt my DH very much.  Do you have any advice for
>speaking with the child about this or for my DH?

Sit the kid down and tell him that you hope the man is a wonderful friend to his son. And, if the man ever scares you for any reason, your son should call you immediately. Don't turn this guy into the boogyman.

>6)   Do you have any other general advice on how to handle the
>impact this is going to make in all of our lives?

I think you may be overreacting about this situation. Keep a close watch and if you see a real danger then file for emergency supervised visitation until you are satisfied that the danger has passed.

[catherine]

I might be overreacting, but with this woman, it's always better to think ahead and plan for the worst, hoping for the best!

Thanks for your opinion, it's appreciated greatly!