The storm...knew it was coming

[Genie]

And maybe I missed this somewhere in another post on this or a response.

When BM asked Will to sign the paper stating she is willing to let him switch and is being cooperative, did Will just refuse to sign it all together or did he state he will sign it if it is specific to this instance only?

I think what we are all arguing about here may be chalked up to lack of communication too.  And believe me this is sooooo hard to deal with and get to a point to even be able to communicate in a healthy way between ex's.

If Will just refused to sign the paperwork no matter what, my suggestion in the future is for him to say something like "BM, I am more than willing to sign this, however only if it is specific to the dates we are discussing today.  I think that this is a good idea and will eleviate any confusion in the future between us."

If this works, then he should also state that she will need to print off 2 copies to be signed b/c you will need a copy.  If she refuses, I would come with my own letter for her to sign.  And of course document (like  journal with dates, times etc) the whole conversation.

Sometimes if an alternate is proposed instead of just flat out refusing, things get done better.  No granted, the other person will not always go for the alternate either and in those cases it just shows they are trying to be difficult on purpose and it is their way or no way.  Oh, have I dealth with that so many times in the past.

And also, since your attorney told you not to sign anything, it may also be that BM's attorney told her to not do any more switching without getting it in writing.  Attorneys usually give alot of the same advice.  Their main goal is to get as much documented as possible to prove their side of it all.

[kitten]

Mesg# 5156.

She wanted him to sign something saying she has been flexible with the visitaion.  Period.  He said on Dr. Phil that she has not.  She is looking for something to make him look bad in court.  She wants to be able to say he lied on Dr. Phil because now she has a peice of paper that says otherwise.  She is not doing this for the kids, she is doing it to support her case against their father so that she will get permission to move them 3000 miles away.    You are right, he could have made sure the paper was specific in regards to the date, but this is a very emotionally charged situation and they do not communicate well at all.  Her only motivation in life is to move the children away.  So that she can "move on".  

[Genie]

and I know that sometimes it seems that there are many people ganging up on you.  On these boards sometimes it is very hard to get the wording out correctly when trying to give advice. B/c others can't "hear" the tone of our voices as we are writing, words come off as differently than what was intended.

My advise to you on this whole situation is to step back just a little bit.  I know it is very hard to do b/c it took me many many years to be able to do that.  We call it disengaging.  Now you don't have to say you are out of it totally, but you also can't let it succomb your whole life while you are going through court battles etc.   My life the last couple years has been quite peaceful b/c it hasn't been a constant struggle and battle with PB and the SKids.  Now we haven't seen them as much either which is upsetting but the stress level is way way down.  But recently things have been happening that is making it worse again and I can just feel the stress and muscle tightening and my brain working and the being restless and sleepless etc at the mention of her name or what she has done or what she is trying to do now.  It can burn you out really quick and be a relationship killer.  I'm sure neither of you want to go through another divorce so you need to be able to support him in a healthy way without it affecting you, your life and your sleep.  There are some that it affects them so much that they are sick to their stomaches. Don't want that and don't want this to be the only thing that you think about or discuss either.

So I have no idea how this is going to turn out at all.  Except for alienation of the children (which the courts really don't do much about anyways), I don't see alot that shows she is the worse parent if you think about it on the courts side of things.  This is just bad all around. It is no win - both sides will lose something no matter the solution.  

Now, if she is told she can't move the kids, what do you think she will do? Will she give you custody?  Will she not move at all? Do you think her husband would then move here?

And what is Will's plan on visitation and transportation if she is allowed to move? Also have to think about phone contact with them and it would be a good idea to request counciling for the children to adjust to the move.

If you ever want to vent off board, let me know and I can give you may email address.

[MYSONSDAD]

What is eating at her is the close, loving bond they have with their father.

Stick as close to the CO as he can. Do not engage in a "battle of words". This will get to her fast.

When I pick up my son and drop him off. I say nothing. I am there to get my son. She stands in the yard with her hands on her hips, fuming, and grabs the phone. She  likes having the last word. And it gets to her that my son loves me and we have a very close bond. I refuse to let her get the upper hand and initiate an arguement. Unless it is directly related to my son, I just walk away.

Sometimes, Silence is Golden...

"Children learn what they live"

[sweetnsad]

My SO does that too.....just walks away.  When he picks his kids up, he says nothing.  The children pretty much maul him to death when they see him...they get so excited!  And, it just kills her!

Good advice....follow the CO...then, there can't be any discrepancies.

[joni]

yes, you don't want to set a precedent for deviation, after that, it makes it difficult for any party to be held in contempt.

[joni]

.

[kitten]

Yes.
He does remain silent at pick up/drop off.  The deal was that he stays in the vehicle and she stays in the house or on the porch.  She has many times tried to approach him and engage him in conflict.  He tells her to please call him later if she needs to discuss the children.  He has had to bring a video camera to stop her from acting up in front of the kids.  So far, it is working.  I'm sure she will slip up soon, she can't help herself.

[Raisin_3]

My opinion is that they should both grow up and do what is right for the child.  DO NOT come here and talk about how terrible the mom plays games when dad has done the same.  Mom was willing to make a switch.  To sign a piece of paper that the judge probably would not have even looked at would have meant time w/ his child.  He instead wanted to 'show her' and said not w/out consulting his atty so he did not see his child who then became upset.  Was it worth it?  What is more important- spending time w/ your child or one upping the other parent?

[Raisin_3]

In a situation that the family goes on national TV you think the mom should have 'offered it up' w/ no proof or verification of the switch?

My dh's situation isn't even nasty and we still make bm send us an e-mail or sign a letter w/ any switches confirming it.

I am not talking about the rest of the situation (regarding the move).  I am talking about THIS situation where they are here claiming bm is evil b/c she would not make the switch when they are partly to blame.  My guess is if everyone owned up to their part in making this a bad situation it may get better.  It is apparent bm isn't going to and from the posts I have read here kitten doesn't feel they have done anything wrong.  It is always easier to blame the other person rather then look at what you have done to escalate the situation.