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Getting baby used to dad - Need help!
Started by RainGirl, Sep 17, 2004, 11:05:31 PM
for every privilege there is an equal responsibility
Sep 30, 2004, 05:38:54 AM
the love and and trust of a child is not a right it is something that grows and develops. The original poster wants to ensure the emotional safety of the child within her care. that suggests to me she accepts the responsibilities that come with the privilege of love and trust. She wants the supervision to last until the child knows the father and feels comfortable in his presence.
If the father truly wants to grow his relationship with the child he would take the baby steps that growth requires.
When you talk of your husband's relationship with his son you are talking about an intact family - this is a very different situation as we all know - you had no issues of trust with him and that would have been sensed by the baby. Your relationship with him was on a daily and ongoing basis - that also would have bene felt by the child.
taking an unknown child for the day because YOU want a relationship doesnt neccessarily make one happen. It takes two to make a relationship and if one of those is a panic stricken and fearful child the task of developing trust is going to take a lot longer.
RE: for every privilege there is an equal responsibility
Sep 30, 2004, 05:49:48 AM
were you here and did you read the posts by this poster? other than this one?
When she first came here she wanted this father to have nothing to do woth this child!
Knowing that she has these feeling towards this father.......That in its self tells me that her child is feeling her emothions and therefor will never develope a bond with this child. All due to the mother and her emotions! Is that fair? Is that right?
This child deserves to know her father and form her OWN bond and opinion of her father!
I do not disagree with that
Sep 30, 2004, 05:59:55 AM
I simply have a different view from you about how that might best occur.
**added on later**
yes the child deserves to have a relationship with her father of her own making and on her own terms however, the poster stated the father did not turn up for arranged times with his child. If this is the case he is making it difficult to develop a relationship with his child not the childs mother.
maybe he doesnt like the idea of the childs mother being there.
maybe he would like to go the whole hog and take the child for the day irreespective of the feelings of the child and the mother.
maybe he doesnt want baby steps
but you know sometimes you just have to suck it up and do whats best even if it isnt the instant gratification you want.
worst case scenerio:
father takes frightened and unwilling child to 'bond'
child becomes more fearful and trust is not developing
mother becomes anxious and boom
big bad ugly situation
I was thinking back to remember what it was like when my children were tiny and my marriage intact and i know I guarded those babies like a lioness.
I didnt let them leave my sight for an instant for a long time. All our relations happily worked within my fearfulness as a new mother and began the bonding process with me there.
As a CP I know my NCP xh has to work harder at his relationship with our children than I do - simply because he doesnt see them as often.
As their mother it is my responsibility to help them develop the best relationship they can with their father even when they do not particularly wish to - but I do this from a baseline of shared parenting. I cannot image what it would be like to try and co-parent with an absent father.
Ive raved on a bit and Im sorry but I find this very compelling
This just BLOWS my mind..........
Sep 30, 2004, 06:09:15 AM
Parents have NO problems leaving a child, even as young as 4-6 months with a babysitter (I know, I've babysat MANY times with infants), but there's a problem letting Dad have even a couple hours with the baby without anyone around??? GET REAL!
The first time I babysat an infant that young, I felt like I didn't know what to do, either. And this was ALL DAY. We made it thru the diaper changes, the feedings, and the crying.......certainly not the exact same way Mom would have done, but we made it. And that child was not scarred because of the experience. I've babysat an infant who cried for 45 minutes solid, but I knew that eventually he would wear himself out. After the initial 10-15 min., he was only crying because he was crying.......and tho the mother told me to page them if he cried longer than 30 min., I knew that it wouldn't be long till he would tire himself out. I made sure that he was dry, fed, and there wasn't any other obvious physical reasons why he was crying, so we rocked until he wore himself out and then he slept for the rest of the night.
He was the son of a resident who worked in the same clinic I did........his dad really didn't know me from Adam. They came from somewhere on the East Coast and went to Utah after his residency. Techincally, I was a COMPLETE stranger to them. So basically, it comes down to TRUST, nothing more and nothing less. If you can hire a babysitter for your child, there's NO reason why Dad can't have a couple hours with his own child. I would still recommend an infant parenting class, just to give him some basics on feeding and changing, but the rest he's gonna have to wing it, just like every other parent does. No two children are alike and what works for one may not work for another. AND a child will react differently to different people. I've seen that with my own child. It's called human nature.........
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......
you see thats the thing
Sep 30, 2004, 06:13:46 AM
some people dont do that.
they dont leave their children with strangers, they dont let them cry themselves out.
My children's baby sitter got to know them by coming to play with them when I was there, staying with them when they were asleep and slowly - as their relationship with her developed - sitting with them for longer.
She became their god mother and is now - for always - an integral part of their extended family.
I hear what you say about your experiences - I just wouldnt do it.
RE: I do not disagree with that
Sep 30, 2004, 09:18:04 AM
This father is NOT absent!! He is there and the mother in this case wants to controll everything about his visits!!
RE: this is an 8 month baby!
Sep 30, 2004, 04:02:25 PM
Thank you for your understanding. Yet out of all fairness to him, I must admit that things between us were really bd and we didn't even talk for the last few months of my pregnancy. When she was born, I called and told him. He came to see her and shortly after that I told him that I still didn't like being around him and would honor his requests for visits, but would appreciate it if he kept them to a minimum. He called about every 3 weeks and I would take her to see him when he called. When she was 4 months old I got angry at him for telling lies and starting in with the controlling head games. I told him I couldn't take it, told him not to call me and didn't talk to him for almost 4 months. So it is greatly my fault that she is not used to him.
Things have progressed some since the initial post but it is still very much a wait and see kind of thing. If nothing else, he seems to have settled into an understanding of her needs. Maybe not a full understanding, but at least something and for that I am grateful.
RE: this is an 8 month baby!
Sep 30, 2004, 04:31:01 PM
It has been two weeks since you first posted.
I think you are looking for excuses.
This man is the childs father, let him be a father. Let him take the child 6 hours one day and then 6 hours the next. Progress up to more time and then overnights.
The only way he will bond is to actually have the child and address her needs one on one.
There are a lot of fathers who have been the caregivers since birth. It should not make a difference if it is mommy or daddy giving her care.
You apparently have some type of mental block on letting this go.
Sep 30, 2004, 04:46:11 PM
No, I do not wish to control every little thing about his visits. I just want her comfortable with the people she is with and not afraid. I see no good coming from that. Three of the four visit times he requested each week are without me. Yet those are consistantly the three that he misses!!! Originally we agreed that her school would be a good place for her to get used to him in a place that was comfortable for her but without me. Since making that agreement, he has had six visitation times. Remember, these are time slots that HE chose, but he as showed up for ONE of the six. That was the time he brought his gf to show her. (No, I don't have issues with the gf being there, but I think getting to show her off was the only reason he went.)
No, I don't believe that she is "feeding" off of my feelings or emotions or cues. She freaks out on him when I am not there. When I am there, she is at ease with him. Now and then she wimpers and lets me know she's had enough. I don't push those limits. I take her back, she "recharges" a bit and then is ready to go back and play wth him again. When I am not there she is very uncertain about him.
He does show up for visits now when I am going to be there. I have also made a regulr habit of trying to give him additional chances to come over and hang out with her. I invite him to dinner a couple of nights a week. He hates his commute to work/school in the morning (not an AM person) and much rather likes leaving from my house which is closer. Usually a couple of nights a week I let him come over and sleep with her. I'm usually up all night doing homework and only sleep an average of 3 hours a nght so it isn't a big deal. Slowly she is getting better and better at going with him, but it hasn't come in the form of the visits he requested.
The other night I asked him if he would want to take her on his own. It was a personal and sentimental day for him an I knew it might be made easier for him if she was there. He ended up inviting us to go along with him but we went in separate cars. He took her and when we arrived, I hung back a bit to give him some time alone. A few minutes later he was happy to hand her over as she screamed at him the entire time. I have ofered to let him take her at night several times, figuring she would be tired and sleepy most of the time but he could spend time with her before bed and if she woke up. He has always declined claiming he has too much homework and can't afford the distraction.
For those of you that feel I am being too controlling, I'm sorry. I'm trying to do what I feel is best for my daughter by helping her feel comfortable and not greatly pushing the limits she sets. Some of you have put forth ideas about the inner workings of an infant that differ greatly from mine. I'll respect your right to hold an opinion but at the same time, I am not able to agree with it. I've read too many reasearch studies, talked with too many child psychologists, read too many text books and been studying this very subject for too long to agree with you. That being said, I do not intend to shove her out the door with him for any length of time until I feel she is ready for it. What I am looking for are ideas of how to help their bonding process grow and develop in a positive manner. There have been some wonderful ideas so far and I look forward to incorprating them into what we are already trying. Those of you with other ideas or sugguestions that may be of help are encouraged and I look forward to learning some of the things that may have helped others on this board. Thank you.
Sep 30, 2004, 05:03:26 PM
Whether you believe it or not, that is exactly what's going on. A child can sense emotion at a very early age. She is getting her cues from you.
Try leaving her in your home, have him come by. YOU take a walk and give them sometime together.
I am sure her being placed in a strange car did not help the matter...
From posts you wrote earlier this year, makes me wonder how much real effort you put in. And of course, we only have your word.
"Children learn what they live"
Getting baby used to dad - Need help!
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