I can't believe I'm admitting this but...

[kiddosmom]

First off...
Hi :)
Many here have seen your second wife as harsh and controling ect. I frankly see her as any other SM. It is your child, she can support you in it, but it is your responcibility not hers. If she chooses to be more involved then good for her, but it is and should be HER choice.
Second....
Your daughter is not happy,  she wants to be with her mother. That is something easily changed. Talk to your ex, write and noterize a new parenting plan with her, and have it filed with the courts.
Third....
You do not feel you can handle being a full time father. At least you say it.  Now it is time to set things right with your child and the ex. Make sure you let your child KNOW that you love her and always will.

You and yours WILL be fine.


P.S.... This is PD's ex-wife and current SO and going to remarry eventually. When we divorced I gave him custody of our children because I knew they would be fine with him, and were for 1 1/2 years before he met and produced a child with his ex gf.  I happen to be with him because I choose to be :)

Good Luck in finding your path!

[Stepmom0418]

I believe that was great advice!

[StPaulieGirl]

Some people are simply not cut out to be parents.  That's just the way things go.  Just because you are capable of producing viable eggs or sperm, doesn't make you a mommy or a daddy.  

You made an excellent suggestion about hiring a nanny. Just because you are capable of producing a human being, doesn't mean that you can jump in and be a mommy or a daddy.  At least this guy has a conscience, and enough love for his little girl to do the right thing.  In my mind, he has the makings of being an excellent father.  I hope things work out for both him and his daughter.   I don't think his new wife deserves to be trashed, either.  I am contradicting my earlier views, but she has a good point.  You trash your child's mother so you can take the child away from her, and you now expect me to raise this child.  BS!  I agree.

Yeah, I'm sure he could find plenty of bottom feeding women to take his wife's place.  Most of us women here would be very wary of a man who did what he did to his child's mother.  

[bigsigh2004]

HOW we handled the transition of my wife caring for my daughter the majority of the time to me? Or are you happy in your little world of assumptions like some of the others? you aren't reading between the lines, you are creating new ones.

My wife, is extremely sensative to the needs of kids. She has raised a fine child, honor student, active in the community etc. goes to her mom for everything, all by her little self there is no father really in that scenario. She is also sensative to the needs of my EX (hell of a lot more than I am or ever will be) in how my EX would feel about how much she parents our child.

We sat down and talked about what she planned to do. We both sat down with my daughter and explained to her that daddy was going to try to be around more, etc. We continued to reinforce that fact with her.

If my daughter goes to my wife for affection, she is right there doling out the hugs and kisses anytime. I love how you automatically assume my wife compeltely ignores my daughter as if she doesn't exist. If her shoes need to be tied or otherwise and I'm in the house, she directs my daughter to me. What you think if i'm not there she forces my child to fend for herself? Never once did I say that.

The blame, for how my daughter is acting is soely on my shoulders, as everytime she does act out, it's directly due to something I'VE DONE/SAID or otherwise. Who do you think told her she couldn't go to the store with SM?

My wife, made me go to counseling with my ex to better help our relationship for my daughter. She doesn't want my daughter out of our lives, what she wants is my daughter equal in both her biological parent's lives, now that the other half has attended to the treatment she needed. She "stepped up to the plate" when it was necessary to do so, now that my daughter has to able bodied and minded biological parents, she's stepping back.

There is no way in hell I'm dumping my wife, she has been the best educator, role model and support for what a family SHOULD be that I have ever come across. She wants for my daughter what her daughter didn't get BOTH parents actively involved in the upbringing and support of our child.

This isn't just about my daughter suffering. Now that my ex is back to herself, she is suffering too. which in turn, affects my daughter.

HIRE A NANNY?!?!? what the hell good would that do? This is NOT about my wife refusing to step up to parent my child it is about the fact that there is another biological parent out there who comes next in line to me in caring for my daughter. For god's sake a nanny would be something to consider only if my ex was totally insane and unfit and both my wife and I held full time plus jobs. The point here is to get my ex more time with my daughter because she is a good parent.

You can't tell me to "hire more workers" at my company when you don't understand the complexity of what I do. And who says I don't pay support? Yeah my CS was suspended after I took custody, but I pay my ex alimony. Not that it matters.

No, my attorney didn't do what I wanted him to do. That is because I wasn't educated enough in the area I had to quickly dive into. What SHOULD have happened was a temporary custody situation, to be reviewed in six months to see if my ex got better before it was determined to be permanent. Had I known, or had my lawyer informed me that that was an option, it is what I should have done. We wouldn't be where we are now if that were the case. I'm not calling myself a "victim" that word never came out of my mouth. Underinformed is not a victim. My ex, as far as I'm concerned is the "vicitim" in all of this. next comes my child.

Did anyone ever bother to ask what the custody/visitation set up was now? No. Right now, my ex has every other weekend and wednesday from 6 to 8. That's it. Is that fair for a parent who is fit to parent? Hell, when I was the NCP *I* even had more time than that. For a child who was raised primarily by her mom, then all of a sudden didn't see mom for weeks (or get to talk to her since she was hospitalized) then going to that little of time. Both my ex and kid are reeling and not recovering from it.

My daughter was better adjusted when she hung out with mom Mon-Fri, I came either on a wed or thurs night to go have pizza or something then got her all weekend. It worked. My child was happy. Why you want to chastize me for wanting to go back to what makes my child happy is beyond my comprehension. Getting all hung up on the fact that I want to give primary custody back to her. oooo bad me. Give me a break. Through the help of people from here and other places, I think I've got a pretty damn good plan in mind that will work for everyone.

I could choose to be the vindictive bastard and tell my ex you made your bed, lie in it. Not care that her downfall was not a permanent or recurring problem. She was diagnosed and treated for severe depression. All the evals that were done didn't come out with any "disorder' attached to her. I could be selfish and keep my daughter with me more just because it's in the court order now. I could try to take all the time in the world for my kid to "adjust". But that isn't fair to everyone.

I'm quite aware that there are people on this board fighting tooth and nail for more time or custody of their child. However, I would hope, that if they were going for custody it is because there is something seriously wrong with the other parent, or that they had a very limited visitation schedule (not unlike what my ex has right now) My wife and I both agreed that now that my ex is better, that she would more than likely at the very least go to court for more time, why make her pay for it? It's best anyway.

I have a new lawyer now. He's a pretty great guy from what I can tell and fully supports my choice and will be helping me attain it. His comment about "wording" of a court order is that they are "just words".  legal custody, physical custody, all of that, means nothing if either parents chooses to ignore it. Who has physical custody when both parents are fit is less important to me than the "legal" aspect. Say in things. As long as I can maintian that, and get to see my daughter as regularly as before - I'm a happy camper.

The advice that astounds me most of all that I've heard several times on here, is the one about how I should dump my wife. The one person in all of this who has been the advocate of equal time for both biological parents. How is that in the best interest of a child who is already reeling? Watching yet another fight and split of people she loves when all it takes is some strategic planning and reorganization to make everyone happy. I came here for advice on how to keep the chaos down to a minimum and I'm getting advice that would just make more. Boggles the mind.

[bigsigh2004]

Not that easy since my ex at the moment is so pissed off at me she won't talk to me - at all. Part of why I posted to begin with, to get other ideas on how to go about it since going direct ain't gonna happen. I've chosen to retain a new attorney and he is going to draft up an agreement and send it to her with a letter stating my intentions. Including a clause stating that if she ever goes downhill again, custody will revert back to me and there will be no changing it in the future among other things.

Oh my daughter knows full well I love her, NO doubt in my mind about that, and she will continue to. What this really ends up boiling down to is more of a change on paper than anything else (other than more time for mom)

Hey kiddo, tell peanut I said I think you should dump him & take the kids. =) You obviously have the common sense and brains in the family. I hope you are teaching your children compassion because he certainly doesn't have any.

Eventually remarry? What's the holdup? Don't tell me you want to save up for a huge affair and a white dress.

[demi]

 "If her shoes need to be tied or
otherwise and I'm in the house, she directs my daughter to me".
    -My point exactly! So what you're saying is she won't tie a simple shoe lace because you're home? Instead of; out of love and respect.

"What you think if i'm not there she forces my child to fend for herself? Never once did I say that".
   -Did I ever say you did say that? NO.

"Who do you think told
her she couldn't go to the store with SM?"
    -Why would you want to hold her back from that? Do you feel guilty about something?

"My wife, made me go to counseling with my ex to better help
our relationship for my daughter."
    -Wow! She has a lot of control! To bad YOU couldn't have thought of that.
 
"She doesn't want my daughter out of our lives, what she wants is my daughter equal in both her biological parent's lives"
    -Then why go back to your old visits of weekends? Shouldn't SHE be telling you that's not equal?

"She "stepped up to the plate" when it was necessary to do so, now that my daughter has to able bodied and minded biological parents, she's
stepping back."
    - That is the worst form of stepparenting I have ever heard of. If I was a child I would be crying too...because of confusion.

"There is no way in hell I'm dumping my wife, she has been the
best educator, role model and support for what a family SHOULD
be that I have ever come across. She wants for my daughter
what her daughter didn't get BOTH parents actively involved in
the upbringing and support of our child."
    -Then with that statement, SHE of all people should be there for HER stepchild...REGARDLESS! So when the day comes that SHE is classified as the "wicked stepmother" you'll then know why.

"This isn't just about my daughter suffering. Now that my ex is
back to herself, she is suffering too. which in turn, affectsmy daughter."
    -Your ex has been suffering a long time, remember what you did to her. Now you know why your ex doesn't want to talk to you.

"HIRE A NANNY?!?!? what the hell good would that do? This is
NOT about my wife refusing to step up to parent my child"
    -Go back and read the first line to this post.

"You can't tell me to "hire more workers" at my company when
you don't understand the complexity of what I do. And who says
I don't pay support? Yeah my CS was suspended after I took
custody, but I pay my ex alimony. Not that it matters."
    -It doesn't matter, you wanted suggestions...this was one of them.

"No, my attorney didn't do what I wanted him to do. That is
because I wasn't educated enough in the area I had to quickly
dive into."
    -You knew well enough to strip your soon to be exwife of all resources available for her and your child as well.    

"What SHOULD have happened was a temporary custody
situation, to be reviewed in six months to see if my ex got
better before it was determined to be permanent."
    - You're right but your actions of screwing the ex over in the beginning was more important. You should have had your "now wife" with you then.

"My ex, as far as I'm concerned is the "vicitim" in all
of this. next comes my child."
    -Yes! Just the way you had planned it from the start, until you SEEN the reality of it. Now you don't want it.

"Did anyone ever bother to ask what the custody/visitation set
up was now?"
    -Why should we have, when we were led to believe there wasn't one. Look at your first post, can you point it out to me? Maybe I missed it.

"Right now, my ex has every other weekend and
wednesday from 6 to 8. That's it. Is that fair for a parent
who is fit to parent? Hell, when I was the NCP *I* even had
more time than that."
     -So still, where is it fair for both parents? As your WIFE WANTS it to be.

AND;

"My daughter was better adjusted when she hung out with mom
Mon-Fri, I came either on a wed or thurs night to go have
pizza or something then got her all weekend"
      -I also think YOU were better adjusted.
 
"Why you want to chastize me for wanting to go
back to what makes my child happy is beyond my comprehension."
    -If you feel chastized I have no control over your feelings. However, it may make your child happy but not as FREE and HAPPY as you. Why? You ask...because you still won't go for 50-50% and you even stated you would be a happy camper.

"I could choose to be the vindictive bastard and tell my ex you
made your bed, lie in it."
    -You did that one already during the divorce when that's exactly what you wanted to be. Again read your first post. Now you want to go back to less time and being happy, and you can"t now be vindictive, now you have to be humble to get what YOU and your WIFE want.

"She was diagnosed and treated for severe depression."
    -I know I would have gone in a severe depression had my soon to be ex done to me what you did to her.

"I could be selfish and keep my daughter with me more just because it's in the court order now. I could try to take all the time in the
world for my kid to "adjust". But that isn't fair to everyone."
    -You could, but fair is not what you or your wife want, you don't want to parent half the time and your wife doesn't either.
   
"I'm quite aware that there are people on this board fighting
tooth and nail for more time or custody of their child.
However, I would hope, that if they were going for custody it
is because there is something seriously wrong with the other
parent, or that they had a very limited visitation schedule
(not unlike what my ex has right now)"
    -Your ex has been limited until YOU and your WIFE decided you didn't want that, because after all you wife raised her child, SHE has her tubes tied, SHE wants to travel. SELFISH!
 
"My wife and I both
agreed that now that my ex is better, that she would more than
likely at the very least go to court for more time, why make
her pay for it? It's best anyway."
    -Yes! Why put the poor woman through he** again while you get what YOU want, AGAIN.

"As long as I can maintian that, and get to see my daughter as
regularly as before - I'm a happy camper."
    -Selfish! There was no equal time then. That's all I have to say about that one.
   
"The advice that astounds me most of all that I've heard
several times on here, is the one about how I should dump my
wife. The one person in all of this who has been the advocate
of equal time for both biological parents."
   -I still don't see where the "equal" time comes in. Equality wasn't there in what you had before and that's what you want again.
 
"Boggles the mind."
    Mine too!

[lindaj]

Took me a long time last night to read through all the replies and responses - I really didn't think I had much to offer, but I just had to get my two cents in.  
Yes, you made a mistake - no shame in admitting that.  You were cruel to your ex for your own gain.  When we are going through divorce we go through the whole range of emotions, and the worst in all of us comes out.  And yes, it's usually the kids who suffer the most.  But it's not too late to fix things.  You may not like this piece of advice, but being on the other side of things, I think it's very important to say you're sorry to your ex.  Once she gets the letter from your attorney please make the effort to sit down with her.  You don't have to admit the wrong things you did, she already knows what they were and so do you.  Just say you're sorry.  It will take a lot for her to trust you, so having it all down on paper will make it easier for her, too.  She will never take you for "your word" again, and I don't think even you can blame her for that.

That said, on to your relationship with your daughter.  I am raising an eight year old boy basically on my own.  His Dad decided when our son was 4 that he wanted to return to our home town (6 hours away).  I was the only person who worked for the last 12 years of our marriage.  I have a good job where we are now, and there were many reasons we BOTH decided to make the move to where my son and I live now.  I was not willing to pack it up and move again just for his whim.  He left, son and I stayed.  I am a "real" single parent.  Work full time, have arranged my work hours around sons schedule.  I get no child support, no help of any kind from Dad.  He comes around a few times a year for fun weekends - that's it.  Yes, it's hard raising a child of the opposite gender.  It's hard raising any child.  I have played more games of Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh than I will ever care to count.  But that's what my son likes to do.  I'm the one playing football and basketball with him.  I have sat for HOURS coloring and drawing with him.  Yes, your daughter is different than any relationship you will ever have - but it will be the most rewarding relationship also.  Of course she is thrilled to go to her Mom's - she feels loved and WANTED there.  I'm not saying that you don't want her, just that she doesn't feel it.  I think you're right - she's better off with her Mom as custodial parent - and I don't think 50/50 living arrangements are good for kids.  But, just because it may not be "your day", doesn't mean you can't be in her life.  I would love for my ex to be at all of our sons activities, whether it was his day or mine, but it has always been just me there.  
I think you do need to make the change ASAP, before your daughter gets old enough to realize she doesn't want to live with you anymore.  You have so many wonderful years ahead of you.  My Dad passed away 7 years ago - you know what most of my memories of him are?  Him taking me fishing, him reading to me, him teaching me how to ride a bike, etc, etc.  He never had the money to send me to college or give me the things he probably wished he could - but those would not have been the things I remember now.  Your little girl will cherish the time you just sit with her.  Kids love to hear stories about when you were little, they love to just listen to you talk about them.  I have shelves full of books about "relating to boys", because boys are soooo different than girls.  I'm sure your ex and current wives will eventually love to help you.  Your wife has already raised one daughter - she can be a wealth of information to you - but she's right - you are her father, you need to find a relationship with her.  Your limits will be stretched, but your daughter will open your eyes to things you never knew existed.  Your life will be so much better for having a daughter.  
Okay, I have rambled on long enough - but I hope my point has been made.  Make the change, but also change yourself.  Stop thinking of what you can't do for your daughter and start doing the things you can (even when they are not the things you want to do).  Your daughter will only have one Dad, let her have the memories of him that will carry her through even after you're gone.  

[ItsNotMe]

Will you all cut it out now? This is FleetingMoment. For some reason, my auto signon stopped working. I did not save the numerical password given to me when signing up so, "Login Failed."

I owe it to Bigsigh2004 and the rest of the posters to come forward and let YOU know that HE is not ME. Long posts, posting styles are very far apart. Reanalyze if you must.  

Bolivar, you and a couple of others appear hellbent on trying to figure out who I am, compare me to other posters, and unfortunately create rumors in the minds of other posters regarding new ones such as Bigsigh2004. The man's story, whoever he may be, sounds truthful and you singlehandly managed to create chaos for him. His story may not be something you are accustomed to reading on this board, but every day comes along a new situation. You are not the ONLY person on this board that is very real.  

That is sooooo WRONG, and destructive of the integrity of new posters. Definitely something moderator should take note of.

PS.... Boll Weevil instead of Bolivar, the name's more fitting.  

 

[bigsigh2004]

One thing that seems to be overlooked in this is that my ex was in the hospital for her depression when I took custody. HOW it got taken was wrong, it shouldhave been handled differently, but the reasons it happened were still very valid and very fitting for the situation then.

You hear so much about "routine" and how kids, especially my daughter's age, are pretty rigid about it and my daughter's routine DID go ass over apple cart. What I am trying to accomplish is get my daughter back to the routine I know she was comfortable with.

It isn't about what my ex wants, it isn't about what my current wife wants, it isn't about what I want, it is about what my daughter NEEDS.

My ex was not perfect. I wasn't going to sit here and bash her for the things she did since this really was supposed to be about what to to for my daughter, but instead it turned into a burn at the stake of my current wife and lynching of me. I'm irritated beyond belief that I had to spend so much time "defending" myself and my wife. My ex tried to hide the fact she was in the hospital, she tried to keep it from me that my child was actually living with the neighbor...that is what drove me, and my attorney to the lengths it went.

Lets go over your questions/responses:

**My point exactly! So what you're saying is she won't tie a simple shoe lace because you're home? Instead of; out of love and respect.**

As I have stated, over and over and over and over and over...my wife, for the first three months my daughter was here did pretty mcuh everything, all the shoelace tying if I was around or not. That, is just plain wrong and I understand that now. It is not her place to take the place of either my ex OR myself. If I'm home I'M the parent. Right down to the little things. Out of "love and respect" my wife insisted I be a parent not a bystander. I was doing less for my daughter now than when the custody situation was reversed. My wife decided to call me on it. She was right to do it.

**Why would you want to hold her back from that? Do you feel guilty about something?**

Guilty for something? where did that come from? My wife chose not to take my daughter with her to the mall so that I'd spend quality time with her myself. Again, due to me doing less than before.

On the counseling...
Are you a step or something? Never been divorced? Sounds as if you are because you seem to have very little understanding of when you are that angry with someone, many times there are things you won't do just because THEY brought it up. Like hell I was going to counseling because my ex wanted it. My wife, helped me realize I was pretty much being a stubborn idiot. It was for my daughter, not a control thing by my ex as I was doing a good job of convincing myself.

You know what, I'm done going through all this point by point. You seem to want to take everything out on my wife and that can only lead me to the conclusion that there must be another woman in the picture with YOUR ex, and that venom is coming out in regard to my situation.

I'm not here to defend myself, and I'm tired of doing it. Not to mention with the advice I've already received from other people here and other sources, I'm well on my way to making what is best for my child a reality. You really don't get it and you never will.

[bigsigh2004]

**Of course she is thrilled to go to her Mom's - she feels loved and WANTED there. I'm not saying that you don't want her, just that she doesn't feel it. I think you're right - she's better off with her Mom as custodial parent - and I don't think 50/50 living arrangements are good for kids. But, just because it may not be "your day", doesn't mean you can't be in her life.  **

exactly exactly exactly

I think I'll be a better role model and parent when my daughter is older, When she gets into (I hope) some type of sporting thing, or hell, even if she becomes a cheerleader I'll still go watch. When it is easier to communicate and after I've (with the help of my wife) learned to communicate better. It kills me that I just can't seem to get into doing the things she wants to do, I really have tried, but I just end up frustrating her. My ex is so much more in tune with her right now.

The new attorney I have is an older, more gentle soul. I'm hoping going from a pit bull to a lap dog will help open the door to acutal communication with my ex.

Thanks for your comments linda. You sound like a wonderful person and a great mother. A lot of your wisdom is what my wife is teaching me as well.