I can't believe I'm admitting this but...

[BusyMom]

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[BusyMom]

Have you figured out that your actions are controlling and manipulative?

[gipsy]

I don't know how old you are but I am 41 , It's been My experience from being married to a woman that did all the similar crap ,But in a different way , That self centered is self centered , And If She can't respect the most precious thing You have , I will garuntee she doesn't respect You , They are two fold , But I have read your responses and if you are looking for support to do what You want , then You don't really need to ask ,I drew the line with My current wife and had her ass served with divorce papers , She was Mean to My son and She was the one to go , My soon to be ex had the same double standard , and it was all about her and her daughter of similar age to your step daughter,I would NEVER Let this happen , And I stood up to the mouthy brat step Daughter , And My soon to be ex went balistic . All the while she had smacked My son a few times , And was mean too him , But all the while when I was trying to deal with her Brat daughter , She would come unglued on Me ,This un equality even played out at the dinner table over wich child got to blabber mindlessely , Of course My son was told to be quiet and step daughter was alway's preffered , I am not a wimp . And YOU ARE , Stand up to this Woman , And tell her the children get treated equal , If you can't do that then Give the child back , Who cares about what People think . If you can't stand up too your current wife, And the current wife disrespects your child like this , Then It won't work , My wife abused My son and Yours will to , When she does what she does That. is a terrible step mother , I know because I had a similar situation , Get a grip people like your wife [and my soon to be ex ] DON'T CARE about any one but themselves and THERE children , And I won't compromise Good human ethics , I See you as compromiseing what is equal and fair , And My wife is a product of this  , She had a terrible step mother and Her Bio dad never stood up to Her . And  this will Be My wife's third divorce, And I do not wonder why . This is a terrible thing to do to this child . My advice too You <<< Do what Your wife want';s , And I will garuntee You will see that there will be other crap she pulls, this won't end with You appeasing her By giving the child back ,  
     OR ;Think of this angle , It alway's happens in reverse when Couples are married , and mom gets stuck at home , So maybe this isn't so abnormal after all , Or maybe , Just give the real mom a lot more time, Ask If she wants the child more, I bet she does , But here's another reality , Maybe you are just not cut out to be a full time parent, Thats not so terrible of you to admit it. than to carry on like this treating the child unfairly, Only you can answer wich is more important , I love My son , But I'm Not so sure I want to deal with Him full time , And My special time with him is the best , BUT My very similar Soon to be ex , Was even jealous when He was here and I would read him books ,And spend My special time with Him , I think Your wife and My soon to be ex are birds of a feather , And you will continue to have problems , Or maybe  just give bio Mom a bunch more time , And see how it goes ,. But certainly the time Your daughter is spending at home unfairly, could at least be spent with the bio mom , Get over the ego and pride trip and  Let Bio mom And your daughter Benefit While you sort this out :  
       It's a better Man that live's By principle than pride "

[bigsigh2004]

my wife is not controlling by any means and I'm not here to defend her, myself or anything else, I came for advice, and the people who recognized that and are willing to not compare their lives with mine,  and just get to the business of answering the questions I have/had offered up some excellent ideas.

My wife does not consider my daughter a brat, loves her tremendously and does anything for her if I'm not around, but expects me to parent when I am there.

I'm sorry your life with your STBX is so bad for your child, but what you are describing is NOTHING like my situation at all.

[FleetingMoment]

Hmmmm, now suddenly this handle is working again.  Thanks, moderator :)

[T_Man]

Well I'm conflicted here, I see your problem. I can see that your situation could happen to almost anyone.

On one hand, the fact is that if you were a woman asking the same in a group that supports a fatherless society, or were a woman just asking girlfriends about this, you would probably be told, "Go get her a babysitter and go out and have a good time yourself. Or give him some more time on Fridays and Saturdays."


I would advise you before making such a decision, to consider that your new wife may act the very same regardless. I seldom see any woman get in the habit of "going out with her friends" and suddenly cease this no matter what change the husband makes in his life. If you stop going to the bar with the buds or whatever, one day you'll stop by and visit a relative on Friday night and to her you've given her a go out and drink card.

She may say, "Your kid, your problem." now, but when you hand your daughter to your wife you'll still be giving up a couple weekends a month for your daughter and your new wife might be looking at your paycheck and saying "Your kid, your problem."

Again, I can't grasp the entire situation from just one post, but you say you're afraid of being a single dad, have you ever considered that you will still have some of the same problems with your wife after you give up your daughter, and then you'll be in an even lonelier position? Trust me, unless maybe you're Don Juan and have a hot date every weekend, having a kid around the house is better than being lonely.

I've seen plenty of couples that have had previous broken marriages and they think their marriage will work if they just go out together instead of separately, but I almost never see it work over the long haul. Spending time together is great, but if the problem is her going out to clubs with her girlfriends against your wishes while you sit at home alone or with your daughter, I doubt finding a way that you can be free on the weekend will fix the situation. Maybe if you can just look at it that way you may not hold a grudge against your daughter next time you have to stay at home on a Saturday and dry her tears. Trust me, I've seen this stuff a million times, once a wife or girlfriend thinks she's discovered the "ultra life", nothing but a huge paradigm shift (like on the magnitude of suddenly discovering religion) will ever change any of her behavior, and I doubt you being free on some weekends is a big enough paradigm shift.

[T_Man]

Damn dude, relax. What he was saying wasn't meant to cast aspersions on you, he was trying to relay his experience to you and the bitterness he felt as a result of such.

Every guy here has probably experienced a similar situation to yours, as far as women feeling different about them because they have kids from a previous marriage or whatever.

If your second wife really is so great you want to spend more time with her and the full time parent gig just isn't working out, it's understandable that you'd consider changing that.

But if you are saying that a lot of the problem is your wife going out with friends when you want her to stay at home, I'm sorry but this almost never changes. If you go out partying with her, she'll want to do the same on weekends you don't want her to, and after a few quiet weekends she'll resent you because she knows she could be out somewhere with guys lined up to ply her with free drinks (a uniquely female experience, they don't have bored househusband porn sites you know.) This attitude invariably leads to emotional infidelity which usually leads to either physical infidelity or marital breakup.

The idea that trust and calm communication and quality time above quality are all paramount in a marriage is largely the suggestion of feminists IMO. Rather, mutual respect and addressing conflicts while maintaining it are more important, and fidelity is most easily maintained by people not placing themselves in situations where they're likely to faulter.

[Jules]

What I can't believe is how this thread went from a man asking for help in transitioning his child back to his mother and ended up being about his second wife's partying ways.  Maybe everyone here who seems to think this is the fault of the second wife should go back and read his first plea for help.

The erroneous assumption that women are better able to handle children than men has led to many stepmothers being forced to parent children they have no real relationship with.  Many men see women as the nurturers and assume that they know how to handle children.  I would resent my DH assuming I could step in as his children's mother, and the children would resent it as well.  

This woman is not out drinking and partying while her poor husband is stuck home with the kid.  She simply stated the obvious - that she is not the child's mother and does not intend to play that role.

Let's get back on track - he was looking for advice about helping his daughter transition to a new living arrangement.  

[All of us are family]

My husband tried mediation with his ex-wife. If you are both willing to change the custody order, then an unbiased observer might be the best thing. You tell them what you want, your ex-wife tells them what she wants, and you compromise until you reach an agreement.
Personally, I think that it's a refreshing change to see someone who does actually take responsibility for their actions, and realizes that they have made the wrong one for their child.
Maybe if you take the first step and apologize to your ex-wife, without expecting an apology in return, then things could move foward so that you both can parent your little girl to the best of both of your abilities.
It's amazing what can be accomplished when you lower your own walls of defense and humble yourself before someone. They usually have a tendancy to listen a little more closely to what's being said.

[All of us are family]

Just one more note...
It's pretty interesting to see that most of the people who are lambasting bigsigh for WANTING to give his ex MORE time with their child are the same people who are FIGHTING their ex for more time with their child(ren).
What I wouldn't give to have my ex WANT to give me more time with my child and be WILLING to work out an arrangement where BOTH of us could parent our child more effectively.