I can't believe I'm admitting this but...

[Wi-Mom]

Look, you've apparently got a problem with honesty. I'm seeing that you've been dishonest with your new wife, your ex-wife, and your daughter. It bothered me that you want to go through this major transition in returning your daughter to her devastated mother (which you admit to having caused) without admitting to her that you'd made a mistake because "you'll never hear the end of it." Where is your remorse????  You want to send your child back without consequences for the hurt you've caused. Shame on you. You've hurt a lot of people for your own selfish gain. Honesty is sometimes all we've got anymore.. and this board exists because of all the liars out there .. devastating others for their own selfish gain (hear our pain!). I'm going through it with my ex.. and my DH's ex.

Start by making things right.. apologize to your ex for your behavior. (And your wife and your daughter for that matter) Then discuss with her how the two of you can parent your little girl with her suffering the LEAST consequences of your divorce.. because it's not her fault. What does that look like to your ex? What does that look like to you? I bet you'll find your daughter's Mommy has some good ideas on that.. and once you've admitted you were wrong and assure her you're not going to devastate her again.. she'll share them with you. If you were sincere.

Above all.. everyone.. please.. make honesty your policy!!

[bigsigh2004]

No, I wasn't "dishonest" with my new wife. We didn't communicate effectively. She wanted no involvement with my divorce, it was mine to handle and I took that to mean every aspect. When I was first getting divorced, I had no plan on going for full custody of my daughter, that changed, I didn't inform my current wife as per our agreement originally. Dishonest, no, my wife doesn't feel I was dishonest, so I really don't care if you feel that way. You weren't there.

Who said I didn't want to admit my mistake? I think giving custody back in and of itself is a HUGE admission. The "why's" behind it are irrelivant, and what happens if we get into the "why's" and my wife gets spiteful enough to talk to our daughter about it later? Hmmm? I'm trying to figure out the best approach here. I have no problem telling my ex that it is too hard of a job for me to handle, I never said I wouldn't say that. However what I'm not going to do is give her reason to put herself on a pedestal.

This board was a wealth of information and helpful advice on how to get my daughter, as well as how to transition her to my home, but now that I find I can't do it, all I'm getting is condemnation and very outlandish accusations instead of the advice I'm looking for.

[nosonew]

Everyone needs to keep in mind that not everyone, including BOTH mothers and fathers, are not born or made good parents.  This guy has his child's happiness in the forefront, and took on the biggest job anyone can have, a FT parent.  

So, since you hadn't discussed with your wife about how having your daughter FT would affect her, and how she would feel about it, I say she is justified by her feelings.  I very much doubt she is intentionally hurting your daughter, and likely feels badly that she (being so young) cannot participate in their shopping adventures, etc., which is more difficult with a little one.  

You were raised primarily by your mother, and thought your wife would just step in those shoes.  Didn't happen.  You don't like the role you now have, and with your child's best interest at heart, you are considering revising the residential custody order.

Initially I thought of 50/50, like others did, however, if she begins school next year, that will not work with your distance factor.

So, what to do?  I say suck it up, explain to ex that your daughter needs her mom more than she needs you. Apparently you believe that, and you need to quit worrying about looking like a schmuck, you did this, now you must live with the consequences.  

Put your pride aside and go have a real heart to heart with your ex.  Don't bring up your wife...just tell her the truth.  Go for eow, one night during the week, and extended summers & holidays.  

What do you think your daughter will say about this?  Do you think she wants to live with mom?  

Well, that's all.  This isn't about Father's Rights...this is about the well-being of a little girl who appears very unhappy in her current situation.  Perhaps you should get a pet?  

[bigsigh2004]

Well gee, a full circle. Didn't I post originally that I wanted to give custody back to my ex, and asked the best way to go about it? I was never on the fence about it being the right thing to do, you people tried to talk me out of it and had a field day trashing my wife now.

Isn't a four year old a bit young for counseling? How would we relate to the same professional?

[bigsigh2004]

My DD gets very excited when her mom calls and when she knows mom is coming to get her, so I think she will be pretty happy.

LOL on the pet. Dumb dad here thought a puppy would help make the tears go away. It did for a few days, until the poop and piddle showed up all over the floor. My 16 year old SD was the one crying though, as the puppy ate her favorite shoe and then proceeded to poop on a shirt she liked as well. My DD, thought it was hillarious.

Yet another thing I didn't communicate with my wife on. Just brought the thing home.

I have really crappy communication skills. I admit that. Took me this long to learn it, and I don't know why I didn't in my first marriage, but then again my ex wasn't one for confrontation, my new wife, will pretty much kick my rear end if necessary. It's gotten to the point that my ex and I are so bitter having a heart to heart might lead to dagger throwing. Would it be a cop out to write a letter?

And thanks for seeing the big picture.

[Wi-Mom]

"Who said I didn't want to admit my mistake? "

You did...


(This is from your very first post...)

"I don't want to admit I was wrong because I'll never hear the end of it,"


"and what happens if we get into the "why's" and my wife gets spiteful enough to talk to our daughter about it later? Hmmm?"

A. You mean spiteful like you were during the divorce?

B. If the two of you are HONEST with each other.. and all apologies and admissions are out.. forgiveness is asked.. etc.. etc.. this shouldn't be an issue anymore. The policy has changed.

[Kitty C.]

Well, if you hadn't slammed her yourself in your initial posts, we wouldn't have gotten that impression!  We were only basing our responses to what you posted, so I suggest in the future that you make sure the impression you're giving is the 'right' one.

Four is NOT too young for counseling.  DS is currently seeing a therapist who treats kids as young as yours and includes the families.  She's fantastic.  You need a child and family therapist, a specialist.

And with what you just posted to nosonew, it sounds like you need some lessons in communication as well.  Think of it this way, with the 'bombs' that you've dropped on your wife, how do you think YOU would feel if she did the same to you?   How would you feel if you came home one day, finding a $60,000 SUV parked in your drive, and your wife said, 'Oh, I didn't think you'd mind'?  Or a $125,000 Class A RV?  Think about it.  ANYTHING you do that could even remotely have an effect on the people closest to you has to be decided on jointly.  Heck, I have some major dental work that needs to be done, but until DH and I can figure out how we're going to pay for it, it's not going to be done.  I wouldn't just go out and get it done, even tho it's supposedly only going to affect ME, but he also pays bills in our home and it's another bill that we need to budget for, therefore HE must have a say-so in the decision, too.

[StPaulieGirl]

Lol, I didn't want to go that far in my reply.  Since you did, I have to generally agree with what you're saying.  

Kids come first, no matter if you are married to the child's other parent, or not.  The wife never expected that this guy would get custody of the kid, and now she's po'd.  That's ridiculous.  In this world you have to roll with the punches, and I guess she can't.

I would go with at least a 50/50 plan, if not changing custody over to the mother.....of course with liberal visitation.  You know, if the wife will not accept the child, what else will she not accept???

[catherine]

You need to ALL go to FAMILY counselling and talk about this stuff.  Esp your new wife.

[bigsigh2004]

Oh for craps sake, she isn't pissed. She knew what type of parent I was before I figured it out.

Kitty C has that quote on the bottom of her posts, about having to have brick thrown at you...

my wife threw a brick at me for the sake of my kid.

She accepts my child, she doesn't accept my parenting, or lack thereof. Just as she was 100% into parenting, she expects me to be and I just don't have it in me. I wasn't putting my child first, I was putting MYSELF first. My WIFE made me see that. By giving custody back to my EX I'm putting my CHILD'S NEEDS FIRST.