I can't believe I'm admitting this but...

[bigsigh2004]

my wife got me books on effective personal communication. I've read all the ones in regard to business communication, have that down to a science but you don't have to be "touchy feely" in business...

and in all honesty, it isn't like I've broached the subject of sitting down and talking, I'm just assuming the worst will happen.

She is supposed to pick up DD tomorrow, maybe I'll bite the bullet then...

[catherine]

"This board was a wealth of information and helpful advice on how to get my daughter, as well as how to transition her to my home, but now that I find I can't do it, all I'm getting is condemnation and very outlandish accusations instead of the advice I'm looking for. "

This is why you are getting condemnation: being a parent isn't a choice.  It's a responsibility.  You say, "now that I find I can't do it" and that statement alone speaks a million words.  You can do it.  You are choosing not to do it.  May I ask an outlandish question?  What if your ex passed away?  Would a nanny be raising your daughter or would you step up to the plate?

[bigsigh2004]

well then "ya know" you just don't read very well.

If I had wanted advice on how to be a better parent, I'd have asked, "what do you suggest I do to be a better CP". Or had I wanted my wife more involved I would have asked "what can I do to get my wife more involved?"

Not, how do I go about giving my daughter back to my ex.

I think I was pretty clear on my intention from the get go.

And no you judgemental idiotic twit, my business isn't more imortant than my child. My child's FEELINGS are more important than anything. And she damn well better appreciate the fact that I can set her up with a future at the age of 18 instead of coming to me at graduation saying remember the time we colored clifford the dog purple when I was 6? What makes you think I can't still teach my daughter things on the weekends or other times I have her?

What's so hard about just "calling up my ex"??? Maybe it's the huge amount of tension and the very limited and strained communication we do have.  Maybe because 1/2 the time I do call, esp when my daughter isn't with her, she hangs up on me.

Yes it would be pretty easy to just dump the ball in my ex's court, but that isn't exacly the most responsible way of doing it now is it? By trying to come up with a plan I'm showing I care about my daughter's well being, not just dumping her like a pound dog.

Movies ARE NOT reality. I won't go watch some hollywood flick that is billed as a comedy (not even a documentary) with Ben Afleck & Jennifer Lopez that was produced by the guy who also did "Jay and Silent Bob"...and call that a learning experience.

[kitten]

I agree with DD.  So  many Dads out there would give anything to be in your position because they DON'T have their babies.  Time to eat crow with your ex.  Get a parenting plan together that gives your ex primary custody with 50/50 legal.  Make sure the agreement is such that you and your daughter have access to each other at any time.  Be there for your daughter, make sure she knows she can always count on you.  Have this prepared for your ex, I'm sure she'll take whatever she can get and appreciate the fact that you are owning up to your weaknesses and are willing to work on them FOR your daughters sake.  All children need their Daddies, but the bond between a Father and Daughter is very special.  Take care of your little girl, admitting you did wrong is the first step.  Doing everything you can to make it right is your life's work.

[catherine]

Nice.

Movies, aren't reality, DUH?  Really?  LOL!  Movies can have good MORAL points to them to learn from.  So you don't like Jay and Silent Bob, the director is capable of much more my friend.

Call me judgmental but you laid out the situation for what is was worth and now are going back on what you first presented the situation as.  Not just with my perceptions, but with others in this thread.

If you are wealthy, how about you get a counselor and attorneys to handle this for you and give you direction, instead of a bunch of people on an internet message board?  Why not buy the professional opinion, instead listening to people who are being so judgemental and unfair because we "don't get it".

[bigsigh2004]

**Last time you asked everyone for advice a couple years ago, how'd that turn out for you?**

good and bad. I got some great legal advice, but was also pushed into believeing my ex had all sorts of mental problems and couldn't care fo my daughter correctly because of them, when really she was just temporarily incensed at me and we were in the middle of a divorce that was ugly, a lot of property, money etc, and admittedly now, she got hosed.

I'm not sure which board it was on, here or another site, but I got talked into filing for full custody based on an e-mail exchange I had posted, and discussion about a confrontation related to it. I had a pit bull attorney, anything I wanted, I got.  I broke my ex's bank account, and then her spirit. It didn't take much to do it. But places like this fanned flames that never should have been I think. Too quick to think the worst and do the most extreme in retaliation.

I already am more involved with my daughter than my father ever was, even before I got custody, I think as she gets older I will get even more, but right now, I just don't understand her, she doesn't understand me and it is just hard on both of us. I think I'll be a better dad when she hits the teen years. I get along great with my wife's daughter.

I can't turn nurturing over night. I'd rather not make my daughter suffer day in and day out while I work on it. She has a very nurturing parent in the form of her mom. My wife helped me realize that.

[katz]

If you are truely sure about this, since it will be heck to even attempt to ever change again. I think it would be best to have an adjustment period with more and more time with mom, over several weeks to months time span.

Do not approach it as telling your ex she can have daughter back, you need to ASK your ex. It sounds to me like she simply may not be in a position to take daughter back, after the financial divorce devastation.

Dont worry about fathers rights, concern yourself with what is best for your daughter. How long has your daughter been with you? That may have something to do with her water works, more so then you not being the dad you thought you would be. I dont mean that to sound mean, I am stating a fact. I DOUBT that any of us parents can say we are everything we thought we would be in the parent department. It is dang hard work, and every parent has their faults, weather they are capable of admiting those faults or not.

Part of being human is making mistakes, we all have made them! Part of being a parent is admitting the mistakes, as you have done here. Truely I dont think you or your new wife are awful people at all, I think you are both human, and have a different goal then full time parenting. Which of course is fine, assuming your ex can and will take it over.

I hope I have helped some. Good luck

[bigsigh2004]

considering the fact I posted on the FATHER'S board I was looking for other FATHER'S opinions.

I love Jay & Silent Bob....but I also know the difference between comedy, drama and documentary. I don't go see a comedy for the message darling, I go to laugh my ass off. From what I hear, Jersey Girl STUNK. And if that is the type of thing you base your life on getting messages from - you have serious problems.

YOU are the one who isn't "getting it". Of course, call me an "internet troll" just because I didn't give the correct perspective on my first post and had to redirect it. How adult of you.

Attorneys are sharks, and they are only interested in getting you want you pay for. I'm not interested in "buying" an opinion. I already feel like I bought my daughter's custody.

Why a message board? Because amid the twits like yourself are people like kitty c and others who after some back and forth dialoge help to get to the real issue, and come up with some sound thoughts & options.  

Who are you to assume this is the ONLY place I'm seeking advice from anyway? That, by the way, is a rhetorical question.

[bigsigh2004]

I realize there are a lot of fathers out there who are probably going WTF are you thinking!! Part of why I made the initial father's rights comment.

However I didn't get custody of my daughter from a lousy mom, I just got custody from a lousy attorney (hers) at a time I was thinking only of myself. Time to correct that.

Thanks for the kind words.

[catherine]

I edited it right away.  I am not calling you a troll.

Jersey Girl spoilers below....

Don't call me a twit again.  I offered you SOUND advice, but apparently if one does not cater to you or say it exactly how you want it, too bad too sad.  Sound advice is to go to counselling and also to watch a movie that deals with a father who really doesn't want to be a father but he learns to deal with it, and it included losing the best job he ever had.  Small price to pay for being a GOOD father to his daughter.