?ing What is in Best Interest of the kids?

[Blended]

I am a father of at the end of my rope and need help desperately!!  

BM (CP) motioned the court back in July to change our current order and get an order for transportation.  (Current order is joint custody of our 3 kids w every other weekend & unlimited negotitated time; BM moved 5 hrs away 1 yr ago and we worked out an agreement which became a court order.)   BM wants the current plan rescinded and changed to only during school holidays and vacation supposedly because 1 child would like to be in school sports.  (I have no problem with activities for the kids but I feel that we should reschedule the missed time so the kids & I can continue to have best relationship possible.)  To date we still have not even set a date for the hearing.  

Since BM filed our oldest child turned 18 and decided that he wanted to live with us.  He told his mother personally because it was his decision and moved in with us.  He is a senior in high school.  Now BM is telling the court that I remove my son with filing a motion for modification of his parenting time and for residential custodianship.  I thought because he was 18 he could do want he wants!?!  

BM is bringing the kids now when she wants and I have been told that we just have to wait until we get into court to do anything.  She has brought the kids to my home after they have traveled over seven hours to get there for a visit of 23 hrs to then turn around and travel an additional of 5 hours to her home.  I have made it clear that I do not feel that much travel is in their best interest and that is why I would rather reschedule the visit.  I see how exhasted my  younger kids' are, their behavior is changing in a negative way (one child mooned my wife as he left our house to get in his mother's vehicle) and I think that it just is not worth it anymore. One child told me that he wanted one life in one city and the other wants to keep the visits the way they are.

The BM's emails never stop with the demands about what should happen, when & how.  I love my kids but this situation just in not healthy for any of us involved.  It causes to much conflict for everyone included myself & my wife, BM & her husband not to mention the kids.  Last night, I told my wife that I was thinking about just agreeing to the proposed plan and she was so upset & could not believe what she was hearing.  She told me that I am a great father and that is one of the things that she fell in love with.  She feels that kids will feeling abandon if I don't continue to fight for them and it will teach them to give up even though you don't agree.  She feels that it was selfish to just agree so we can have our own life but I know I can't take this for another six years.   That means at least another three court appearences because BM takes us to court about every two years.
 
Any & all thoughts would be appreciated.

[catherine]

that you do all the driving and go to BM's new town and stay at a hotel with the kids, say once a month?

I agree that a 10 hr round trip is a loooonng drive EOW for the kids.

About the 18 yr old, I am not sure but he may need to be emancipated by the courts (at least he does for CS).  But, I highly doubt ANY judge would care about your ex's objections to him choosing to live with you.  He is an adult now after all.

Hope you find a solution that works.

[joni]

the way I see it is she got to move, gave you a liberal visitation in order to get her move and now that she's settled in, she's trying to change everything.  I also think she's angry because the 18 y.o. left her and she's taking it out on you because the child 'chose you over her.'

My SD is 7 y.o. and flies 2 w/e's a month from New York to Chicago to visit us.  It's a 2 hour flight, she loves to fly and wants to live with us....but that's another story.

The children are just projecting their mother at this point.  They're disrespecting you to make her happy.  It's called survival.  If you start to cut back on your visits, IMO it will only drive a wedge between you and your kids at their mother's whim.  It's a no win situation.  Mom hates you and is trying to remove you from your childrens' lives.

If you cut back, I would get the most.  I would ask for
--every single long weekend school break, such as Columbus Day, President's Day.
--Alternate Xmas/Thanksgiving.
--ask for every 2nd week of Xmas break
--ask for the entire Winter (Feb) and Spring (Apr) breaks
--ask for the entire summer break, where kids would be in sports activities in YOUR town, mom would only get the week after school gets out and the week before school goes back.
--mom gets Labor Day, you get Memorial Day.


Mom was the one who moved away.  IMO she lost the opportunity for vacations because she moved your children away from you and now mom wants to eliminate your eow.

[Raisin_3]

It is in their best interest to see you.  If you are willing to work around their schedules the mother has no reason to go to court to change visitation.  It sounds like another poster stated that she is settled and jealous the oldest chose you.  Stay involved and dont give up.  You may end up with more time w/ the kids if you go to court and ask for all their school breaks.  The time w/ you would be longer and better quality.  Dont think it isn't worth it.  Someday you will look back and be glad you stayed in their lives.

[Blended]

I work 10 hr days in a town about 2 hours away so it makes travel difficult.  By the time I would leave my home and get to BM's town on Saturday I would only have about 24hrs of total time (that counting sleeping time) with the kids.  I did not even have a vehicle that would make the trip over the mountain passes until recently.

Thanks for the ideas.  

[Blended]

Your view is very close to how my wife and I see/feel about the situation.  It seems that since she moved, she is doing everything to get rid of me and my family.  After doing some research on PAS, I think that she clearly meets the profile.  

I appreciate the ideas about times but I just feel that I should have to lose my relationship with my kids because she does not want to follow our agreement any more.  I just worry that with my work schedule a judge might not go for it.

Sometimes it just feels that fighting for them will hurt them more with very thing that is going on.  I just care so much and hate to see them be put in this kind of position.

Thanks for your response.  I wish you the Best in your situation as well.  

[Blended]

Thanks for your comments!! It helps to have an outside oppinion when the situation is so close to your nose.

I think you and my wife probably have alot in common in view of your answer.

Thanks again.

[Blended]

I work 10 hr days in a town about 2 hours away so it makes travel difficult.  By the time I would leave my home and get to BM's town on Saturday I would only have about 24hrs of total time (that counting sleeping time) with the kids.  I did not even have a vehicle that would make the trip over the mountain passes until recently.

Thanks for the ideas.  

[Blended]

Your view is very close to how my wife and I see/feel about the situation.  It seems that since she moved, she is doing everything to get rid of me and my family.  After doing some research on PAS, I think that she clearly meets the profile.  

I appreciate the ideas about times but I just feel that I should have to lose my relationship with my kids because she does not want to follow our agreement any more.  I just worry that with my work schedule a judge might not go for it.

Sometimes it just feels that fighting for them will hurt them more with very thing that is going on.  I just care so much and hate to see them be put in this kind of position.

Thanks for your response.  I wish you the Best in your situation as well.  

[Blended]

Thanks for your comments!! It helps to have an outside oppinion when the situation is so close to your nose.

I think you and my wife probably have alot in common in view of your answer.

Thanks again.