RE: Teenage Boys - Out of State - Visitation

[SFMedic]

>I don't know how you answered, but it's obvious that you've
>scared your ex and she's gonna use that fear to influence your
>kids.
>
>There's really not much you can do. And, in many cases there
>will never be anything you can do. Frankly, sometimes, the
>only solution is to tell your kids that you love them and
>you'll always be there if they need you, no matter what, and
>then just pay your support and go on with your life, and hope
>that once they're adults, that they will want to reestablish
>the relationship.
>
>You may be in that situation.

Dear Soc,

I answered and replied to her counter-claim motion for a "change of venue" by requesting a scheduled "hearing" regarding my motion of "modification/enforcement of visitation" and initiated a "contempt of court" motion with her denying my visitation.

Prior to the Mother receiving this in the mail some 2 weeks ago, I was still able to call and at least have a 5 minute conversation with my teenage sons.  

Now that this has been set in motion with the courts, I find myself being completely cut off from anything their doing, short of some medical emergency taking place.

I've tried to remind the mother how "we" still need to communicate about what's going on in their lives, so I can attend and be a part of activities that they do at school.

It's very obvious the mother is sparing no expense, with the deliberate alienation hoping to erase my having any type of relationship with our Son's prior to us apprearing in court and I refuse to just up and throw in the towel.

I would think she is obligated in someway to maintain contact with me about what and how the boys are doing at school?  It is in my court papers that I'm to have complete access or that she's to provide that access.

The same thing took place "alienation" when the mother deliberately moved out of state from MD to WV, and said to my face "how her friends and family was giving me 6 months before I would tire of the drive back and forth to her front door".  This was back when the boys were 20 and 6 months old at the time.

Question:  How would I approach / discuss / address this (alienation) in the court room once I receive a court date?

Question:  Is proving "alienation" through no phone contact with her and the children hard to do or will the judge just dismiss the matter completely because of seeing it as not relative?

Question:  Would sending a letter to the Mother / Court expressing my concern about the importance of my maintaining some type of relationship with the boys make a difference at all with the courts or would it just be a waste of time?

Question:  Both boys also have failing grades in core subjects at school, which has taken place each and every year since middle school, now in 9th and 10th grade, is this something I can address with the courts as well, if so, what would be the best way to present this information?  The mother has the ability to enroll them in after school tutoring but for reasons unknown to me it seems to not be a priority with her.

At this point it feel's like I'm grasping for straws...

thanks...

[socrateaser]

>Question:  How would I approach / discuss / address this
>(alienation) in the court room once I receive a court date?

If you have a scheduled visitation, I would show up with a private investigator carrying a video recorder and start compiling proof of the alienation.

This is why I say that sometimes there's nothing you can do -- the financial cost of obtaining credible proof becomes prohibitive. You can show up and then call the police if you can't get to the kids, but most of the time the police won't come out unless there's a genuine disturbance threatening the peace, and your report that you were unable to see the children will be inadmissible hearsay.

Moreover, if the children are buying into the custodial parent's claims of your evil nature, then it simply doesn't matter what anyone does, because an uncooperative child pretty can pretty much bring the legal system to a standstill (unless it's a genuine juvenile delinquency problem).

>Question:  Is proving "alienation" through no phone contact
>with her and the children hard to do or will the judge just
>dismiss the matter completely because of seeing it as not
>relative?

The word is "relevant," not "relative."

The mother can just say that the kids aren't interested in seeing you. Then it's not alienation, because the children are doing it themselves, unless you can prove otherwise.

>Question:  Would sending a letter to the Mother / Court
>expressing my concern about the importance of my maintaining
>some type of relationship with the boys make a difference at
>all with the courts or would it just be a waste of time?

I would write that you intend to exercise your parenting rights and that you'ld appreciate some help and encouragement from your ex. Then, if those rights are frustrated I would write stating my dismay at your ex's refusal to help or encourage the relationship between you and the children.

Then you can bring the letters into court and ask your ex about why she did such and such. If she has a good attorney, the attorney will object that such questions assume facts not in evidence, but its worth a shot.

>Question:  Both boys also have failing grades in core subjects
>at school, which has taken place each and every year since
>middle school, now in 9th and 10th grade, is this something I
>can address with the courts as well, if so, what would be the
>best way to present this information?  

You can request anything relevant to the issue before the court. But, you need to lay out your allegations, show how they are relevant to the motion request and then use evidence to prove your case. You can't go in ad hoc or the judge will believe that the court's time is being wasted by a pro se litigant with no understanding of the legal process, and you'll get shut down.

[SFMedic]

>>I would write that you intend to exercise your parenting rights and >>that >you'ld appreciate some help and encouragement from your ex. >>Then, if those rights are frustrated I would write stating my dismay >>at your ex's refusal to help or encourage the relationship between >>you and the children.


Dear Soc,

Quesion:  The following is the actual format letter I have sent several times already to the mother and county court house, regarding my visitation being denied, is there anything else I should add or change?

Question:  You referenced "stating my dismay at your ex's refusal to help encourage the relationship between you and the children".  How exactly would you suggest that I correctly word those intentions?  Should they be added to the letter below or sent as a separate document?

I'm also suppose to have the children for Thanksgiving this year as well as Christmas break and it doesn't seem likely at this point that either will be taking place!  

Thanks....


October 8, 2005

RE: Notice Of Intent To Exercise Scheduled Visitation

XXXXX
xxxx
xxxxxxx

Dear Xxxxxx,

   I'm sure you realize that I consider my time with Xxxx Xx and XX to be extremely special and valuable beyond measure.  They are very much a part of my family, and these visits are an important part of all of our lives.

   In our last hearing on this matter, visitation was ordered by the courts on this schedule:

   ORDERED, that Xxxxx Xxx Xxxxx, Plaintiff, shall have visitation with both minor children of the parties on alternating weekends from Friday evening at 5:00 pm until Sunday evening at 6:00 pm and the Plaintiff shall have visitation with the minor children at any place which he deems reasonable and in the best interest of the children

   In practice, however, you have failed to comply with this schedule and have put undue restrictions on it that are not in compliance with the court order.  To demonstrate, I've prepared this table:

Date(s)   /    Time Scheduled  /   Time Arrived  /   Time Returned  /   Missed Time   /   Remarks

05 -23 Aug 05   6:00 pm        No Show              N / A        Summer Visitation
12 Aug   05          6:00 pm        No Show              N / A        Weekend
02 Sep 05          6:00 pm     No Show     N / A        Weekend
16 Sep 05        6:00 pm              No Show               N / A        Weekend
07 Oct 05        6:00 pm     No Show               N / A        Weekend      
      
   Total time missed:  27 days


   Because of your actions, I've had far less than my allotted time with Xxxx Xx and XX.  It also makes it extremely difficult to plan the kinds of family activities we like to on these occasions.

   The conditions and restrictions you have placed on these visits violate the court ordered schedule and are not acceptable.  You have 26 days per month to schedule activities for Xxxx Xx and XX as you see fit, please allow me to do the same with my 4 days.

Please be advised, that when I attempted to exercise my visitation rights, as per the standing court order, you denied my visitation for the date(s) of October 7th.  I would like to make-up this lost time, by returning to the standing schedule of weekend visitation on the date of October 14, 2005.  
 
   I'm willing to be flexible with the schedule (for example, when special events occur), but I expect reasonable advance notice and compensatory time.  I also reserve the "right of refusal" on all such changes in the court ordered schedule.  I hope that we can reach agreement on these issues without involving a third party, but understand, that I will do whatever is necessary so I can spend my parenting time with Xxxx Xx and XX.

I look forward to hearing from you regarding this letter, to date, I have not received a written response from you, regarding the previous weekends of visitation that have been denied.  I would hope to workout some type of arrangement without having to resort to litigation.

Sincerely,


Xxxxx X XxXxxx Xx

XXX/xx
c.c.: Xxxxx X. XxXxx Xx
       COURT CLERK: Case# XXXXXXX / X-XX-XXXXX
       Return Receipt Article# XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX
       Document also mailed via first class postage

[socrateaser]

>>>I would write that you intend to exercise your parenting
>rights and >>that >you'ld appreciate some help and
>encouragement from your ex. >>Then, if those rights are
>frustrated I would write stating my dismay >>at your ex's
>refusal to help or encourage the relationship between >>you
>and the children.
>
>
>Dear Soc,
>
>Quesion:  The following is the actual format letter I have
>sent several times already to the mother and county court
>house, regarding my visitation being denied, is there anything
>else I should add or change?

Apparently, it's not working, so maybe you need to change everything. I didn't review it entirely. I strongly suggest limiting your comments to what will fit on one letter page. Most people find anything greater than that abusive and they will stop reading, so your message goes unnoticed.

>Question:  You referenced "stating my dismay at your ex's
>refusal to help encourage the relationship between you and the
>children".  How exactly would you suggest that I correctly
>word those intentions?  Should they be added to the letter
>below or sent as a separate document?

You're already writing letters adversarially, so it will do little good now to retreat to a more deferential position. I rescind my advice in this regard.

>
>I'm also suppose to have the children for Thanksgiving this
>year as well as Christmas break and it doesn't seem likely at
>this point that either will be taking place!  

Why don't you just show up at the time when you're supposed to have visitation, and bring along a dictation recorder. Keep it in plain sight and recording, so that you have a record of her refusal to turn over the kids. You could also have someone video the attempted exchange.

Bottom line is that if you want to play hardball, then you have to be prepared to do just that, i.e., get irrefutable evidence of contempt, then file for sanctions and request that she spend a few days in jail to encourage future cooperation. This may cause your children to hate you, so be careful with this approach, because it may not provide the result you seek (unless you seek to have your ex punished).

I really don't have a good solution for you. The ideal would be to get into counseling with you and your ex and the kids and try to resolve the situation. But, your description of the circumstances, suggests that it's probably way too late for this sort of intervention.

[SFMedic]

>Why don't you just show up at the time when you're supposed to
>have visitation, and bring along a dictation recorder. Keep it
>in plain sight and recording, so that you have a record of her
>refusal to turn over the kids. You could also have someone
>video the attempted exchange.
>
>Bottom line is that if you want to play hardball, then you
>have to be prepared to do just that, i.e., get irrefutable
>evidence of contempt, then file for sanctions and request that
>she spend a few days in jail to encourage future cooperation.
>This may cause your children to hate you, so be careful with
>this approach, because it may not provide the result you seek
>(unless you seek to have your ex punished).


Dear Soc,

When we meet to exchange / pick-up the children, it's at our halfway point, which takes place within the state I live in.

Question:  What about going to her front door to ask to speak with the children, we've asked several times in the past, and the children come up with some lame excuse as to why they can't do it.  Would this be worth a try or just waisting our time making a 4hr one-way trip?

Thanks...

[socrateaser]

>Dear Soc,
>
>When we meet to exchange / pick-up the children, it's at our
>halfway point, which takes place within the state I live in.
>
>Question:  What about going to her front door to ask to speak
>with the children, we've asked several times in the past, and
>the children come up with some lame excuse as to why they
>can't do it.  Would this be worth a try or just waisting our
>time making a 4hr one-way trip?

The kind of questions that you're asking make me wonder whether or not you're actually understanding my comments. I guess I need to be a little more blunt:

I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT WILL OR WILL NOT CAUSE YOUR KIDS TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU!!!

Only your kids can answer this question, so stop asking me and start asking them.

The legal issue is simple: if you want to have the court punish your ex, then you must prove contempt beyond reasonable doubt, so that the court can order incarceration. I've given you the basics as to how to accomplish this. But, as for getting your kids on your side, I haven't a clue -- so, stop asking.

[SFMedic]

Dear Soc,

Not my intentions to cause any problems.  When I was earlier asking about going to their front door, it was in response to you talking earlier about hiring a private investigator to video tape our visit, and yes I was confused to some extent.

Just the same, I appreciate you taking the time to clarify, sorry for the misunderstanding...

[socrateaser]

No problem. I just don't want to keep revisiting the same territory, because it's not productive for anyone.

[SFMedic]

Dear Soc,

This past Friday, I received a notice from court with surprising news, the change of venue the mother (WV) was attempting to change from MD to WV has been denied, and there is a scheduled conference with a judge on Dec 7th.

Question:  Correct me if I'm wrong, this "conference" is basically a question and answer session with a Judge/Master, to determine any further action regarding my resuming visitation, i.e. through court appointed counseling, limiting visitation, and to determine if an actual court trial is required?

Question: Is there a particular format I should follow in terms of talking points to bring up or is it a wait and see what the judge wants to know and ask about?  I'm trying to figure out the best way to approach this?

Question:  Would it be worth having an attorney present instead of remaining Pro Se or save the money towards going to trial knowing it could be the end result?

Thanks...

[socrateaser]

>Question:  Correct me if I'm wrong, this "conference" is
>basically a question and answer session with a Judge/Master,
>to determine any further action regarding my resuming
>visitation, i.e. through court appointed counseling, limiting
>visitation, and to determine if an actual court trial is
>required?

Judge wants to see if the matter can be settled without litigation. If you both were represented, the judge would pull the attorneys into chambers and tell them to get their clients under control and resolve this so that the court doesn't need to deal with it.

>Question: Is there a particular format I should follow in
>terms of talking points to bring up or is it a wait and see
>what the judge wants to know and ask about?  I'm trying to
>figure out the best way to approach this?

You should tell the court that you would very much like to resolve all of the issues amicably and in the child's best interests, and that you merely want to obtain a reasonable opportunity for parenting time with your child. You want to appear to be interested only in your child's welfare, and not at all interested in anything that even remotely appears to be a fight with the other parent.

>Question:  Would it be worth having an attorney present
>instead of remaining Pro Se or save the money towards going to
>trial knowing it could be the end result?

I can't judge your ability to remain calm in a courtroom environ. You could go in pro se and tell the judge that in the event that opposing counsel states that he/she believes that his client is unwilling to settle amicably, that you would like some time to retain counsel. Then you will have sort of put the ball in their court. Your ex's attorney will have to say, "No, my client's an ass, so you'd better hire an attorney," or "I think that we can resolve this quickly and amicably, and without resort to a trial."

Or, you can hire an attorney now and spend the extra dough for the conference, if you think it will make you feel more comfortable -- it's really your call, but I can tell you that you're probably looking at paying about $500 for the appearance if you hire someone now. Not saying you shouldn't, just giving you the cost factor to consider.