Nice guys finish last....

[melissa3]

Dear Socrateaser,

Please forgive me, I am frazzled but I will do my best to make this post comprehensible.

My ex, my daughter (5 yrs.) and I all live in Mass in the Hampden County. My ex is the custodial parent.

I am having trouble dealing with my ex, in and out of court. Bottom line is my ex is going to great lengths to keep our daughter away from my S.O. (Note: Before I met my S.O. it had been a year and a half since my ex and I had been to court. Since my S.O. and I moved in together 6 months ago, my ex has taken me back to court countless times. I have evidence of my ex's animosity on tape.)


Periodically, in a matter of 4 months, my ex managed to bring a number of motions in front of the court. The motions, in order from first to most recent, are:
1. motion to keep my S.O. out of visitation
2. motion to stop my visitation due to drug abuse
3. motion for more child support and for me to be responsible for the total amount of delinquent medical bills
4. contempt for non-payment of child support.

The judge decided on a temporary order in September, for 1 month, that I was to be the only one present during visitation. (Come to find out, the order was never filed) My ex was displeased that this oder was only temporary and, on the day before the experation of the order, she told her lawyer I was abusing drugs. She managed to tape me, at some point, in a bathroom taking my medication. She used that as evidence.

Truth is I take prescription pain medication for an injury I sustained 3 yrs ago in a motorcycle accident. What bothers me is my need for medication never bothered my ex until I met my S.O.. I  have since stopped taking my medication, despite the chronic, insufferable pain and could pass a drug test.

I have been (unwillingly) deliquent in child support payments. I am self-employed and I own a good masonry/home repair business. However, the time I missed from work for court apprearances, lawyer appointments, substance screenings and substance abuse evaluations has caused my business to suffer. Consequently, my attempts to get my daughter back and play by the rules have resulted in putting me further in a hole.

My lawyer doesn't seem to be a help. I asked him to file for a temporary suspension/reduction in child support. He didn't and told me it wasn't the right time. He waited until a month after my ex called me on contempt to file for it.

I had a hearing Jan. 17 about the contempt to which he showed up for an hour and 1/2 late and didn't have his paperwork prepared. I didnt get to speak with him before or after the hearing and he didn't contest anything my ex's lawyer threw at me. I now have to pay 4weeks past child support in 2 days and, on top of my legal fees, I have to pay her legal fees and court fees as well.

In a nutshell I just want to see my daughter. I'm not a bad guy, I'm not abusing drugs and I'm a great father.


My questions are as follows:
1. I can't afford to pay 4 weeks child support in 2 days and my ex's legal fees. Can I appeal the order?

2. Should I pay what I can (which is nowhere near what Ive been ordered) towards the order or should I wait until after I appeal?

3. It's obvious to me that I need a new lawyer but would switching lawyers be detrimental to my case at this time?

4. Should I try to prove my ex's motivation for all of her actions are out of insecurity and because of my S.O.?

5. Im tired of playing catch up. If I found evidence against my ex, is it possible the judge would just think I was mudslinging?

Thank you in advance for your time.

[socrateaser]

>My questions are as follows:
>1. I can't afford to pay 4 weeks child support in 2 days and
>my ex's legal fees. Can I appeal the order?

Yes, but, the appeal will cost a lot more than the 4 weeks child support.

>2. Should I pay what I can (which is nowhere near what Ive
>been ordered) towards the order or should I wait until after I
>appeal?

I don't have enough facts to be able to assess whether you can or cannot pay the order. The fact that you don't have sufficient income says nothing about your net worth. You may have a home, stocks, bonds, savings, etc., or a very substantial credit line that would make it possible to pay the order.

Assuming that you are insolvent and have no money or assets that can reasonably satisfy the order without impairing your ability to earn a living or pay your rent, then you can file a motion with the family court for reconsideration, and offer new evidence to show your inability to satisfy the terms of the current order, and to have it modified.

>
>3. It's obvious to me that I need a new lawyer but would
>switching lawyers be detrimental to my case at this time?

Based on your post, I don't see how anything could make your case any worse than it is already.

>
>4. Should I try to prove my ex's motivation for all of her
>actions are out of insecurity and because of my S.O.?

Irrelevant.

>
>5. Im tired of playing catch up. If I found evidence against
>my ex, is it possible the judge would just think I was
>mudslinging?

The issue is the child's best interests. As soon as you lose sight of this, you are lost in family court. The judge doesn't care about you or your ex, frankly. Only the child matters to the court, because only the child can break what would otherwise be a tie between the two parents on the issues.

Winning is about getting the child to want to live and spend more time with you than with the other parent. Otherwise, you will continue to lose right up until the day that that your child support obligation is terminated by the child becoming an adult (or for some other legal reason).

So, you need to get it into your head, that if you are the noncustodial parent -- you will lose, unless the other parent does some affirmative act that clearly and convincingly injuries the child or the child's interests.

That the other parent does things that annoy you or seem unfair to you is irrelevant, unless it affects the child. So, put that stuff out of your mind. If your ex doesn't like your new relationship, and you think that your ex will give you a better shake if you didn't have that relationship, then I suggest that you balance the risks and benefits of improving the old relationship vs. maintaining the new one.

Your ex is in a position where she can injure your interests, because she has the child -- simple as that. It's not fair, but it's the law.

On the other hand, your new relationship may cut your cost of living because that person is paying 1/2 of the bills.

If this is not the case, then, frankly, you're nuts for being in the relationship, because you evidently can't afford the two relationships simultaneously.

The family law system is not fair. It hurts parents under the theory of helping children. This theory frequently fails both parents and kids. But, evidently society doesn't care, or We the People would tell our legislative representatives to stop passing laws that hurt us.

On a last note, if your attorney is not doing his/her job, then write out everything that you think he/she has done wrong and send it to him/her and ask for an explanation (and a credit for the bills that you think are unreasonable or the result of incompetence). If you arent' satisfied after that, then complain to the State disciplinary agency (usually the State Bar). This won't get you your money back, but if the attorney is actually not performing to the standard of the rules of professional conduct, then that attorney will be suspended/disbarred.

This may not help your current situation, but it will help others who may fall victim to an attorney who shouldn't be practicing law (assuming that your attorney is in that category -- I have no opinion as to the truth of this).

All I can tell you is that you're not alone in feeling jerked around. The good news is that eventually, child support ends. And when that day arrives, you can break out a bottle of Dom Perignon (or, Bud, if you prefer). Whereas, your ex will suddenly find herself with less money than she had the month before.

Wish I had better advice, but that's all the advice that anyone really has to offer. You just have to tough it out until it's over.

[melissa3]

Thank you very much for your help.

I just want to say I didn't realize my post sounded as vengeful as it did. I'm not out to "get" my ex.

What my ex is doing to me is putting emotional stress and is drastically hurting my daughter. Also, her animosity towards my S.O. is causing my daughter much confusion - my daughter loves my S.O. and can't understand why her mother, my ex, doesn't.

My ex has done everything imaginable to interfere with my father/daughter relationship - denying phone calls, denying visitation, putting me down infront of my daughter.....

Above all else, my little girl is my motivation in court and I want nothing more than to be a part of her life.  

If it were not for my S.O. I, undoubtably, would be on the streets right now. She is a godsend. People around me tell me I must make a decision between my daughter and my S.O. and I choose to keep the both of them.

As far as ability to pay, I have a retirement plan, which I've been ordered to, and, will be paying out of.


I recieved a letter today, Jan 18, from my attorney. It it was a photocopy of a fax from my evaluator, on Dec 21 2005, claiming he and I lost contact. I actually changed numbers and repeatedly left the new number with the evaluator's answering service and with my lawyer. Evidently, my lawyer didn't answer the evaluators fax until just yesterday, Jan 17. Does it get any worse than that? (Rhetorical question.)

For the substance abuse and supervised visitation, my lawer recommened my present evaluator. Both of them have been very lax in communication and have put an uwarranted damper on this case. Both of them seem to be very overbooked.

1. If I change lawyers can/should I replace the evaluator, too?

2. Is it common for one evalutor to evaluate substance abuse and manage supervised visits?



As far as ending child support, I want to be invoved with my daughter. Not being involved and not being there to support her isn't tangible to me. However, not funding my ex (we all know that's where child support really goes) is a definite cause for celebration and I will crack open a Bud, some Dom Perignon, whiskey......whatever.


Thanks again

[socrateaser]

>Thank you very much for your help.
>
>I just want to say I didn't realize my post sounded as
>vengeful as it did. I'm not out to "get" my ex.

My apologies if you inferred that I was suggesting you were out to "get" your ex.

Maybe I'm just tired and I'm reading things into other people's posts. I'm probably editorializing too much myself, too. I'll try to stick with the facts and law.

Keep smilin'

[melissa3]

Dear Socrateaser,

>Keep smilin'

Will do. It's my humor that is keeping me sane.

Question:
At the risk of sounding impudent, I was wondering if you had any input you could offer in regards to my 2 previous/latest questions, which were:

1. If I change lawyers can/should I replace the evaluator, too?

2. Is it common for one evalautor to evaluate substance abuse and manage supervised visits?

Thank you

[socrateaser]

>Question:
>At the risk of sounding impudent, I was wondering if you had
>any input you could offer in regards to my 2 previous/latest
>questions, which were:
>
>1. If I change lawyers can/should I replace the evaluator,
>too?

You can fire your attorney at any time. The evaluator will require a court order. I don't have facts with which to evaluate the evaluator, so I can't really advise.

>
>2. Is it common for one evalautor to evaluate substance abuse
>and manage supervised visits?

I don't know about "common," but it's not unreasonable. Either the person is a neutral and detached third party or he/she isn't. If so, then good, if not, and you can prove bias, or prejudice, then you should use that as grounds for disqualification.

[melissa3]

I'm not sure if I could ever express my immense gratitude and gratefulness for your work on this site. I'm sure there are many here who feel the same.

Thank you again for your time.