Stepmother Issue

[spangle1033]

Socrateaser,

First off, I apologize for the seeming pettiness of my question.  I realize that you are advising many parents in far more difficult circumstances.  Thank you for any attention.

DH is NCP to 2 children.  Since we have been married (3 years), BM has been a constant cause of problems as she has attmepted her own interpretation of the custody agreement, etc.

BM often attempts to make visitation changes, switches, etc. through me via email and phone.  I have always been more than happy to be helpful in such an area.  But I've gotten more than a little fed up.

Basically, BM is sweet and helpful when she wants something changed for her, but as soon as we have a request, she immediately starts citing the wording of the papers, becoming quite upset and angry.

For instance, I will use one of my sick days to take one of the children to the DR, but the next day she explodes over the fact that we can't switch weekends due to a prior engagement.

Or she will suddenly decide, if I've done something to upset her, that the children cannot talk to me on the phone, "ever again".

I know I'm a stepparent and have no rigts at all, don't misunderstand me.  I've never thought that I could oppose any of her decisions concerning interaction between me and the children

Basically, at this point I want to extricate myself from the situation. I don't want her to call or email me or attempt to make changes through me.  I'm not being petty or childish, but after three years I realize none of this is my place and I'm tired of being used in such matters.  I have no legal rights or recourse concerning these children and do not want such things as phone time with them snatched away every time she becomes upset.

1.  Can you advise me on how to go about this extrication?  Should I just begin ignoring phone calls and emails or send a one-time reply explaining my actions?

2.  If a one-time reply is necessary, any suggestions on wording?

3.  Basically, I don't want my decision to have any negative impact upon my DH and the children, in terms of a judge believing that I am hampering BM's attempts at contact, etc.  Could this occur?  I simply don't want such contact done through me.

Thank you so much.  

[socrateaser]

>1.  Can you advise me on how to go about this extrication?
>Should I just begin ignoring phone calls and emails or send a
>one-time reply explaining my actions?

I'd tell your spouse that you feel that you're being manipulated in circumstances beyond your control, and that going forward, you would prefer that anything concerning the children and the past relationship be dealt with without your involvment.

And, if your spouse refuses to understand the difficulty of your situation, then maybe it's time for you to divorce your spouse.

This situation is not your problem, and it's not between you and the other parent. It's your spouse's problem and the other parent's. So, stop making it your problem.

>2.  If a one-time reply is necessary, any suggestions on
>wording?

You're getting ready to address the wrong person. Just tell your spouse "This is not my problem anymore and I don't want to be a part of it, because it's driving me nuts. So, you must deal with it, or I'm outta here!"

>3.  Basically, I don't want my decision to have any negative
>impact upon my DH and the children, in terms of a judge
>believing that I am hampering BM's attempts at contact, etc.
>Could this occur?  I simply don't want such contact done
>through me.

You're being WAAAY too easy on your spouse. He should have stepped up and said, "Honey, I can see this is drving you crazy, so why don't you just let me deal with it, because it's not your problem."

You need to just step out of the line of fire. When the other parent calls, you ask that she call back when you're husband is available, or call him directly, or leave a message on the answering machine, because you can't be involved in the situation anymore. If you feel the need to explain way, make it short and sweet:

"I understand that you are the child(ren)'s mother and that my husband is their father, but I feel manipulated without any recourse from both sides, and I'd really prefer if the two of you would deal with everything between yourselves, going forward."

One more piece of advice. If your relationship with your husband is good, this should go rather easily. Just slide up against him and tell him that if he handles this problem for you that you will promise him that sex life will improve radically (no matter how good it already is). That should get is attention rather quickly.

[Nesto]

Why soc, you're turning into an old softie, answering a question that has no legal nature!  ;-)

[socrateaser]

>Why soc, you're turning into an old softie, answering a
>question that has no legal nature!  ;-)

Wow. You're right. I avoided the legal issue and gave a theraputic response.

OK, forget everything I said. The legal answer is for the poster to divorce her husband. That will definitely avoid any further interaction with her DH's ex-spouse or children.

Kind of harsh, but that's the ultimate "legal" solution. I think the therapist's answer is better, but, I admit, I am not really qualified to offer that opinion.

[jilly]

I have dealt with this same thing, to a certain extent.  For some reason, DH's ex has decided to make me her best friend and she'll e-mail or call me about things.  For the most part it's minor stuff and I have no problem dealing with her.

The times she's wanted a schedule change or brought up something I'm not comfortable talking to her about I just tell her I'll pass the message along to DH and they can sort it out.  She will try so hard to get me to agree to her point of view or go along with what she wants.  I just repeat, like a mantra, I'll have DH call you. I'll have DH call you. I'll have DH call you.  LOL

That's what you should start doing as well because really it's not your problem if she gets mad.  Your DH needs to deal with that.

[kaylene99]

Hi, I agree with others.  You should let the husband and ex-wife deal with this together.  Of course, you could always help husband but let that be in the background.  Put him in the limelight and not you.

Ex-wife once called me on the phone "complaining" about husband and all these "awful" things.  All I said to her was "hey, if you have issues with him, take them up to him".  I think she was really taken aback by my response.  Sad but I had foreseen it all coming -- her trying to "befriend" me for many wrong reasons.  She said we could have been "best friends"!  REALLY??????????????????????????????

Take care and I wish you all the best.  Cheer up! :-)

[spangle1033]

Soc- Thank you so much for the advice and I very much appreciate you taking the time for a non-legal question.  You are completely right (as usual).

I also appreciate the other replies to this post as well.  Everyone's correct, this is not my problem and will not be from here on out.

Soc, I also just wanted to say that the service you perform on this board is wonderful.  Keep up the fine work.

:-)  

[socrateaser]

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