Best way to manage ongoing issues?

[DecentDad]

Soc,

As I've previously described, my ex is high maintenance in constant issues.

I do my best to avoid the back-and-forth, but there's such a fine line between being nonresponsive (irresponsible) and constant debate.

Very recent issues (for example):

A) After six-year old child's routine in my home was reinstated in June (after a month of disruption due to the reported suicide threat), biomom started sending 8 security objects... two pillows, a blanket, and five stuffed animals... with child for sleeping in my home.  During the prior school year, child was fine with a small bunny and small blanket, both of which could be packed into her backpack.  School has started again, and biomom is now sending 1st grader to school with a large bag of the security objects to take to my home.  Child never uses them at night (i.e., they're shoved to the foot of her bed).  I've suggested that child take whatever we can pack into her backpack.  Child is fine with that.  Biomom insists child needs everything, will continue to send everything (and I don't want to have to send everything with child when I return her to school in the morning).  Biomom states her wish that I'd be more sensitive to child's needs, as this is why child doesn't want to sleep in my home (i.e., per biomom's opinion).

B) Child was referred to orthodontist by dentist.  Referred orthodontist was great... personable, experienced, involved child with discussions.  Biomom wanted to try another orthodontist, the one used by biomom's best friend (as a patient) who has been involved in our custody issues.  Second one wasn't as impressive as first one, but was very appearance oriented (biomom's style).  For reasons of wanting neutral ground (i.e., don't need biomom and her friend biasing this doctor), I prefer objective referrals.  Biomom refuses.

C) We're ordered to take a "co-parenting course", but not a specific one.  We apparently can't agree on one, biomom demanding that we do private counseling (i.e., no witnesses, no paper trail, and no ability for therapist to testify without biomom's consent).  I've proposed two courses, neither acceptable to biomom.  My invitations for acceptable courses have gone unanswered.

D) Biomom repeatedly asks that I join her in counseling with a particular person.  I've experienced that counseling with biomom is merely used as her emotional outlet to engage me with refusal to settle on any resolutions.   Child has her own psychologist, who is great and insightful.  Biomom has repeatedly asked that we end the child's psychologist.

In her communications, biomom appears pleasant and cooperative.  She's a master at conducting such a outward facade while covertly creating chaos and conflict.

1.  How does one identify the right balance between engaging and disengaging (i.e., ignoring)?  The endless debates become viewed as "They just can't get along", whereas attempts to disengage are portrayed as, "She attempts to communicate, he refuses."

2.  In the past month alone, I've received 18 emails from biomom.  Maybe 3 or 4 were necessary.  From an outsider's perspective, they all look rational (but they're all rational views of biomom's delusions).  She selectively cc's the child's therapist, and minor's counsel, creatively twisting the situation to make her perspective seem wonderful and mine not (out of context).  Is it just part of my life that I need to constantly correct these things?

What would you tell your client on how to deal with such an ex?

Thanks,
DD

[socrateaser]

>1.  How does one identify the right balance between engaging
>and disengaging (i.e., ignoring)?  The endless debates become
>viewed as "They just can't get along", whereas attempts to
>disengage are portrayed as, "She attempts to communicate, he
>refuses."

Tell her you're taking coparenting course X on such and such a date and invite her to join. If she doesn't, then you have evidence that you showed up and she was uncooperative.

>
>2.  In the past month alone, I've received 18 emails from
>biomom.  Maybe 3 or 4 were necessary.  From an outsider's
>perspective, they all look rational (but they're all rational
>views of biomom's delusions).  She selectively cc's the
>child's therapist, and minor's counsel, creatively twisting
>the situation to make her perspective seem wonderful and mine
>not (out of context).  Is it just part of my life that I need
>to constantly correct these things?

I would forward every communication to the minor's counsel and cc: back to the other parent, with a request that she cc the minor's counsel on all future correspondence. Then you will have an audit trail.

You're never going to get cooperation from your ex -- so just expect to not receive it, and cover your ass.

[DecentDad]

Soc,

Minor's counsel engaged at the last minute before the review hearing and hasn't responded to any cc'd documents ever since.

Still advise to cc him on everything?

Thanks for your suggestions.  Make sense.

DD

[socrateaser]

>Soc,
>
>Minor's counsel engaged at the last minute before the review
>hearing and hasn't responded to any cc'd documents ever
>since.
>
>Still advise to cc him on everything?
>
>Thanks for your suggestions.  Make sense.
>
>DD

Yes. You will have an audit trail, and if minor counsel later states that he/she had no idea what was up, then you can defeat that argument, as well.