Menu

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Show posts Menu

Messages - FLMom

#161
Father's Issues / RE: Dad Needs Advise on Custody
Aug 27, 2007, 02:54:32 PM
I think Kent has given you some great advice. My only addition would be that in the future tell no one else, except maybe your wife and your dog, what your plans are. I wouldn't even let the kids know. This woman sounds bitter and nasty. Don't give her any extra info that she could use against you.

Good Luck,
FLMom
#162
Father's Issues / RE: Time to share...
Aug 12, 2007, 09:18:55 AM
This is FANTASTIC! Bet there's some teeth gnashing and gum flapping going on somewhere else this week!

You SO deserve this, and your son is going to be all the better for it.

WOOT WOOT!
#163
><>myself and checked the wrong box. Two tiny strokes of a pen.
>X. I thereby relegated myself to the whims of my ex. >>
>
>Not trying to pick a fight...just curious.  Had you marked the
>correct box would it have ended up the other way around.
>Would your ex have been the NCP? Relegating him to your
>whims?
>

With a question like that, I do feel like you are picking a fight, whether you think you are or not.

The answer is that while I wrote up the division of custodial time 50/50, when it came to whom the primary would be, or would there be none, I X'd the wrong box. So from the start, it never would have ended up the other way around. I came out of the starting block wanting 50/50 for our kids.

My ex did what it seems some of the CP mothers have done that fathers here have dealt with--he took his position as CP as authority to make me pay for not wanting to be married to him. That is something I'd never do to my children, so your sum answer is a definite "no".



>As I have stated in other posts, I think that 50/50 custody
>should be the presumed outcome if parents have to break up a
>family.  That is 50/50 legal and physical custody.  There
>should not be a "Custodial" parent. There should be "Parents"
>period.

>I agree, wholeheartedly.
>
#164
As it usually goes, just when I think I've seen the worst thing possible, something else comes along and I'm left speechless again.

Kent, that is probably one of, if not THE worst judicial decisions I've heard of. But there's always tomorrow. And I've found that tomorrow never ceases to amaze me.

My circumstances and experiences have drastically changed my outlooks on how "fair" the courts are. Judges that make decisions like the one in your case should be out of office, or sent for some serious retraining.

Until that happens, and until there comes a time that courts see families in a scenario that approaches reality, I will be here, one post at a time. I'll be educating people I know r/l, through one divorce with children at a time.

I was apprehensive when I first came here. I thought that because I'm an NCP I'd be viewed at having a screw loose. I'm happy to say that I feel like I belong here, just like any other parent, man or woman, that wants to be fully involved in their children's lives.

I too now have 50/50, thanks to SPARC and those that have come before me here. My technicality was only the tip of the iceberg in a full blown battle including neglect, PAS and blackmail. But I didn't write it all out, just because it would probably be mundane compared to what others have gone through. Like I've said, there's always tomorrow to boggle my mind.

I may be in a minority of a group, but when the whole group sucks, who wants to be a member? I don't want to be a part of men's reality---I don't even want men to have that reality. I want to make things different. Maybe we can sway the spin of the axis a little. That's my goal, anyway.

I have to be able to look my children and future grandchildren in the eyes and have enough feeling of self-worth to be able to look back at them. That starts with change, no matter what the problem or who's agenda it is.

One more post, one more day,
FLMom
#165
Thank you so much for writing here. I'm glad SPARC is what it is, for both mothers and fathers that want equal access to their children.

I won't go into details about my situation, but I know all about the bias. It's almost normal for a father to just see his kids every other weekend. That supposition is SO sad to me. It's just as sad as the supposition that non-custodial mothers have something wrong with their mothering gene. We're seen as defective and something to be sneered at.

Simple reason I'm a NCM? I filled out the divorce papers myself and checked the wrong box. Two tiny strokes of a pen. X. I thereby relegated myself to the whims of my ex.

I hope our causes join together, and we unite in the belief that both mothers and fathers deserve to be a permanent fixture in their children's lives.

FLMom
#166
If it's not too long I'd love if you'd post some of that here. Would be an interesting read and might help us to answer your questions better.

Is this your attorney's form or a state court form? Seems like the attorney may have too many clients if it's his form. A one on one meeting with him taking notes would be just as effective.

The sad truth was put to me best by our judge. He said, "You two can either sit down and work things out, or you can let me decide. And I guarantee that if I decide neither of you will like what I do." So, to better your odds, I'd shoot for the moon but settle on the clouds. If it comes down to a settlement conference, it would be better to show that you're willing to give up a few things. The hitch is, you aren't really giving them up because you overstated what you wanted in the first place.

Example:

"I want full custody."

Now, you and I both know it's not going to happen. But if that's what you ask for, you may end up with a "settlement" of 50/50 or 60/40.

Second example:

"I want 50/50."

OK, so you've left yourself no room to negotiate. Best you'll get is an extra afternoon thrown in during the week, with every other weekends.

And don't apologize, calling it ignorance. This is all a learning game. We were all new to this at one time or another. The family law system is baffling sometimes. It's a bugger to even know the right questions to ask, because scenarios come up all the time like a tornado through a trailer park. Most of the time you're just standing there stunned, wondering what the hell just happened.

Hope this helps,
FLMom
#167
Let's see if there's anyone from Texas that will see this flagged. They may be able to give you some more pertinent advice.
#168
There's a lot of theories in shopping for an attorney.

You want to make sure he or she is an experienced family law attorney. You want someone who is busy enough that they have a great reputation, but not so busy as to not be accessable when you need them. Think of anyone you know that has been through a divorce--even a friend of a friend--and ask whom they used and if they would recommend him or her.

One thing I found out is that you absolutely want an attorney, man or woman, who isn't a "yes" man. They act outraged when they hear your story, tell you that you have a 100% chance of everything going your way, and they nod like a bobblehead at everything you say. I needed someone who would tell things to me straight, and not be afraid to set me straight or even hurt my feelings.

You may have luck doing what I did. I called the local county clerk of court and asked who they saw regularly there filing paperwork that was a family law attorney. They gave me a few names, and I think I called the first three on the list. One called me back by lunchtime, the others never bothered to call back. Voila, I found my attorney.

There's also the state bar association's website---Texas has to have one---you could start there and see who is family law certified in your area. If they have an office that's in a ritzy area, keep looking until you find one in the right neighborhood for your cost level.

I don't think $7500 is too far out of the ballpark, although I was able to find an attorney here in Florida for about half that amount as the retainer. Read the fine print before you sign anything, and move on if you don't like what you read.

I haven't a clue about no fault divorce or what Texas law is like in that regard, so I can't help you there. I can tell you one thing, though. Don't sign anything "temporary" thinking it will change later. Temporary orders have a way or morphing into permanent orders.

Just remember one thing. Your lawyer works for YOU. There's a fine line between steering you straight and taking you for a ride. If you can't get him or her moving at your speed, you want someone you can get in telephone contact with quickly. One question I'd ask is how long on the average it takes for them to return phone calls. If they answer honestly, great. If they get flustered and huffy, move on.
#169
Welcome to SPARC. Check out the archives and read anything that you think may help.

This may sound kind of harsh, so please don't think I'm bashing you in any way, shape or form. Since you're here asking for advice, just keep in mind it may not be what you'll want to hear.

I understand that you love your wife. Divorce sucks, no doubt about it. If she's gone as far as she has right now, she's probably already been thinking about this for a while. Don't let the love you still feel blind you. She has left with the most precious things in the world to you----your children. Get mad, and get mad quick.

You need to not only file for divorce, you need to file for emergency custody of the children, and I mean RIGHT NOW. You've got one major thing over her right now------in the eyes of the court, she's a vagabond and you're a stable father who is still in the family dwelling. Courts don't want to mess with kids' continuity. You need to show in no uncertain terms how stable you are and how stable she isn't by upsetting their lives through leaving with them.

As for the "RIGHT NOW" part-----the longer you give her time to settle in somewhere, the more she creates a nasty burden called "status quo". This happens all the time. A wife files for divorce and moves away with the kids. It takes the husband a few months to understand that the divorce is going to happen before he reconciles himself to it. He decides to file for custody, which could take many months----sometimes up to a year before a judge finally takes things under consideration. By then she has created a "status quo". The kids are now more used to living in the NEW place than they were the family home. They're settled in, and a judge won't want to upset that apple cart. Boom, custody lost. You become an every other weekend and two weeks out of the summer dad.

RUN to an attorney this afternoon.

If this is an emotional issue on her part, and she ends up getting her act together and realizing she wants to be with you and be part of a cohesive family unit, great! You can stop a divorce many months from now. You can celebrate your second marriage with a ceremony even better than the first. What you can't do, unfortunately, is undo time.

It's a 50/50 crap shoot that you'll have a relationship with your kids if you wait. Those odds fall every day that they're settling in somewhere else.

And BTW----if you've got a little voice that's poking you on the shoulder and making you go through your mental Rolodex of possibilities, it's doing it's job. Those same signs that you're thinking of as mental illness are also the signs of a woman getting ready to fleece her husband before she starts a new life.

Please keep us updated. I wish you the best of luck.
FLMom
#170
Father's Issues / RE: advice??
May 21, 2007, 09:55:19 AM
Welcome to the wonderful world of court hearings.

Family law courts are, with few exceptions, backed up beyond belief. I know that it's frustrating to wait and wait, but unless you are in dire financial straights, I would take your atty's advice to just hold out until the hearing. She's still going to have to pay the same amount of money, she's just prolonging the agony.

The last time we had to go to court, it was a full year from the start of everything being filed until the day of the hearing.

So you don't go insane while waiting, it's a good time to go through your files and put things in order. If it's not relevant, put it in one folder. Make separate folders for things like medical, dental, school expenses, clothes, etc.

Think of it like this: She's just given you an extra amount of time for you to get things in order to fight her. She's helping you, although it may not feel like it now.

Also, I found reading custody related books helpful. It helped me get "family court lingo" down pat before I made an a** of myself in court (i.e. not "my" daughter, but "our" daughter, etc).

Good Luck,
FLMom