Messages

 Thanks. I'm not NCP. We have a joint custody settlement--even though it is 60/40. That refers to the nights. We share all expenses 50-50.

In the past I have usually worked from home so I've taken care of child during the day. This has meant much more parenting time with me. It was great for our child. Now that I no longer work from home, a lot of parenting time with me is gone.

That is why I am trying to equal out the time. I'm trying to figure out whether it is best to pick up the time during the summer or during the year. Both of our work schedules allow either approach. I tried to talk to my ex about modifying the schedule and she became combative, abusive and hysterical. I mean that literally. I don't know why. Nobody who knows us understands why. It is very hard to discuss anything in that kind of emotional climate. She won't discuss going to a mediator either.

She is much happier that I don't work from home anymore. She didn't like the old arrangement. Even though I worked at home and our child wanted to be at home, she wanted our child in an afterschool program. But she wanted me to pay the whole bill. This made no sense. Our child has an established home with me. But she said she didn't like the idea of so much more time with me during the day because that felt unequal to her. So this is not about her concern that support payments will change. It will remain at 50-50.

Court is pricey and unpredictable and is to be avoided at all costs. But I just don't know what else to do. In the past we had a custody fight but I am a devoted father who supports my child, does most of the driving to classes and playdates, is involved in every aspect of education, health care, etc, and so she couldn't get the sole custody she wanted because she didn't have a strong case. That outcome made her furious. She made it clear that her preference was for me to disappear so she could raise our child by herself. I base this on a lot of hostility and lack of cooperation. But there is no way in the world I will do that. If I still worked from home this wouldn't be an issue.

That's all a long way of explaining why I am looking for how other people's parenting schedules are in similar circumstances.

Interesting.


We have 12 weeks of summer vacation.


I work. So does she.


I saw schedules where the dad's time is increased during the summer to make up for imbalance during the year. Or maybe the nights are equal in number like it is at Christmas. Maybe I read that wrong. Like I said, it's hard to figure out.


I'm afraid that there is no "arguing" or "negotiating" with the ex on these types of issues. That would be so nice. So I'm trying to get a sense of how it's typically done in order to get a comparison.


I miswrote. Not 3 wks vacation, 2.


Any help is appreciated.

Hi. I'm trying to find what a typical summer visitation schedule is. My ex and I have shared physical custody. It is a 60/40 arrangement. Mother has 60.

Does anyone know what is typically done with summers in this kind of situation? I have searched around but can't figure it out.

In my situation, the schedule doesn't change during the summer except there is equal vacation time...3 weeks with each parent.

I have tried to negotiate more time with me during summer to make up for imbalance during school year, but she won't budge. It would mean going back to court. Yuck. But fair is also fair.

Any insight would be most appreciated.

May I offer a suggestion that you can take or leave? Do not get involved on any level with father of the child. Don't even get involved in your head. Let everything happen between the two parents only. You will be much happier. I also suggest that you never allow the mother to play you and the father against each other.

If the child happens to be with the mother and you and she asks you to drop him at school, that seems problem free enough. If she asks you to drop child with father, I personally wouldn't.

 

Look at it this way. If you had a court order to pay $100 a month but did extra because you wanted to, that is a gift even if it went directly to child for something. Judge can not give you credit for what you do outside the court order.

Technically, you do not have to pay for anything if money is not ordered right now. Then, mom could go to court and ask for half of schooling as you did in the past (hoping she does not touch custody). Since she has proof, you paid all these years, it shows you could afford it, look at the numbers, and give you both a percentage to pay for schooling. You could try to prove why you can not afford it anymore and child should go to public school or mom pay for it.

If you bring it to court, same as above, still hoping that custody does not come into play. Teens are rough and many times kids want to stay at one house with friends and not be with either parent. Then they get a little older and start jobs/school sports/activities that interfere with the schedule. Need to be flexible and try to co-parent, otherwise child could play one parent against the other and has say in court on where they want their primary residence to be.

Good luck, sounds like you have not been in the halls of family court in a while...not pretty and not fair. You can go sit in hall and just observe what goes on there (all meetings are in hall,you know everyone's story before you leave, mini TV show...).

Yeah, that's an interesting idea. Go to the court and observe. It's a question of finding the time. But you're right--it's been forever since I've dealt with legal stuff. When I stopped by my lawyer's recently to get some advice, she pulled out my file and was shocked that it was so thin. She said that after all these years most clients' files are much thicker, containing all sorts of actions, I guess.

I would have no problem being able to show income decline in spite of my best efforts.  In fact, I have continued to pay equally even after my income declined. This is because it's important for me to support my child equally. But if it gets to the point where the money just isn't there and I'm hocking things to keep things equal, I think that's a little bit extreme...especially when the other party lives nicely and takes expensive vacations.

I get what you say about courts. As they say, "If you want justice, you don't go to family court." But for me, this is a more nuts and bolts situation. Or it may be. Hopefully my income gets back wear it was, and this is no longer a problem.

As far as the custody/child preference thing, when one parent deliberately tries to play the child so the child is less with the other parent as some form of punishment or retaliation--I really have no response. And that's what I will gladly tell a judge. Furthermore, if the logic behind maintaining long-standing support levels is based on continuity of the status quo, then the same applies to custody arrangements. To change a custody agreement that has worked effectively for all these years would require a significant change in circumstance no matter what the ups and downs of parental income are in the matter of paying for private school. By the same token, I could make a change in custody request because daughter is older now and try to talk her into going along with me. Leaving aside the psychological damage that would cause, I don't see a judge going along with that after all these years.

I wish "co-parenting," as you say, could actually happen. I stopped banging my head on the wall about that years ago. It was harming my head. I don't know about other women, but this woman doesn't do co-parenting. All the appeals in the world fall on deaf ears. It's ridiculous and it is not going to change. But I agree with you..in an ideal world.

.

Only you know if this is worth it. Weigh the options on both sides, try to work it out with ex but if she feels you are going to do something, she may go and file the custody papers. For NY, you have a great parenting deal that you would not have if it went to trial. If you can sneak by and pay for the school for the next xx years, that part will be over... If ex thinks you filed, ex can "keep" child as you do not have court order and police do not enforce parenting court orders anyway. So, yes, it could get very very ugly. (especially if lawyers get involved).
Good luck!

First of all, there is a custody agreement. Shared, with days clearly laid out, It has been the same since split. To me it is absolutely remarkable to think that I pay more than 35% of salary on my child's needs in education alone, yet the other party's change in custody request will seriously be entertained by a judge when the other party is paying 15%. And furthermore, that real, true monetary support in the past is considered a "gift" by the court and therefore invalidated as a monetary contribution when it actually went to pay for education and other needs and actually made a difference in the child's life and the other party actually chose not to make a gift of her own.  This, as I said earlier, it really is a form of legalized extortion.

An issue of custody may come up and with child's age (teen), they have a say, so either parent can persuade child into asking for more time at one parent and getting primary custody, then a more formal child support order. This is happen if your ex goes for custody through the courts and asks for change after you file the child support papers.

Unless your salary went DOWN, ex would say "he always paid the school with this salary and agreed to it by paying it the last xx years" so you need a reason why this year is any different than last year.

To me, acting this way would be a kind of extortion--keep paying x dollars or I will try to limit our child's time with dad by petitioning for a change in residential custody. I recall talking about this kind of behavior once and hearing back that No, money and time are two completely separate and distinct issues and must be handled separately. Otherwise you're talking about a kind of blackmail.

Is the accepted view now that courts are fine with ruling in favor of extortion? I'm confused.

I posted this because of changes in salary not of my making. Is Mixed bag saying that a change in salary not of your own making is "rocking the boat?" I haven't had to deal with these questions all that much, mainly because I've always brought more money to the table. I would obviously like that to continue.

Yes, I understand that parents can get dirty with each other. But what I'm getting from these replies is that you must accept that spouses WILL get dirty no matter what the circumstances, and you must accept that the courts WILL basically condone that kind of behavior (while speaking deeply into their robes about the best interest of the child). In other words, a kind of legalized extortion, legalized kidnapping. Obviously nobody is saying anything this extreme. But I'm certainly picking up a tone of threat. Or is that a total misreading.

Thank you.

No marriage. Custody agreement contains equal time with each parent.

I'm not too sure where this goes, so I'll post here. It's a money question. The ex and I have always had shared physical custody. Our child is now a teen. There is no support agreement. Daughter's in a pretty expensive school and up to now we've always paid 50-50. Ex's salary is much higher. In infant/toddler years, I paid entire 20K/year day care. Ex said she couldn't afford  to contribute.  We have a settlement agreement. It does not include any financial agreement, just custody. It was done through lawyers. This is not a court order.

Ex's salary is now quite a bit higher than mine--100 vs. 60k. Ex also has someone else paying her monthly rent payments. I cover all expenses in my house--rent, tuition, food, outside sports, etc.  I would like to continue 50-50 because this is my child. But it's tight. Ex is not willing to go above 50-50. She thinks I have more income that I actually do. Question: is it worth going to court over this to establish financial agreement in accord with our incomes?  Is it worth paying a lawyer to handle it? Or is people's experience that in the end it's better to just sweat it out and work for higher income on my end?