Money question

[OneMan]

I'm not too sure where this goes, so I'll post here. It's a money question. The ex and I have always had shared physical custody. Our child is now a teen. There is no support agreement. Daughter's in a pretty expensive school and up to now we've always paid 50-50. Ex's salary is much higher. In infant/toddler years, I paid entire 20K/year day care. Ex said she couldn't afford  to contribute.  We have a settlement agreement. It does not include any financial agreement, just custody. It was done through lawyers. This is not a court order.

Ex's salary is now quite a bit higher than mine--100 vs. 60k. Ex also has someone else paying her monthly rent payments. I cover all expenses in my house--rent, tuition, food, outside sports, etc.  I would like to continue 50-50 because this is my child. But it's tight. Ex is not willing to go above 50-50. She thinks I have more income that I actually do. Question: is it worth going to court over this to establish financial agreement in accord with our incomes?  Is it worth paying a lawyer to handle it? Or is people's experience that in the end it's better to just sweat it out and work for higher income on my end?

[MixedBag]

If it's not a court order -- are you legally divorced?
How many more years do you have to go?

The fact that someone else is paying HER rent is not relevant to your argument/logic in court.

What's in the settlement agreement?    Does it say share 50/50?

[OneMan]

No marriage. Custody agreement contains equal time with each parent.

[ocean]

You could file yourself in family court for child support order (they may make you also do a custody petition too).

You can file yourself at first and then hire a lawyer if it gets ugly. Child support court is strictly by the numbers usually so in your petition you can write "father and mother have shared custody for the last xx years and split all costs 50/50 with no child support. However fathers income is now drastically lower than mothers income and father requests that activities and school costs be split by the percentages of parents income. This will be in the best interest of the child so he/she can continue xx school and her/his activities".

An issue of custody may come up and with child's age (teen), they have a say, so either parent can persuade child into asking for more time at one parent and getting primary custody, then a more formal child support order. This is happen if your ex goes for custody through the courts and asks for change after you file the child support papers.

Since you have no order in place, you are not obligated to pay any of these costs, however other parent can go to court and get a court order at any point. Try to talk it out in person and let her see (not take copy of W2 to prove your salary)? Maybe offer to pay for the rest of this school year and work a deal for next one since you already knew the costs this year?

Unless your salary went DOWN, ex would say "he always paid the school with this salary and agreed to it by paying it the last xx years" so you need a reason why this year is any different than last year. Her salary going up does not make your amount go down. Ex is allowed to make more money or second job if they want too.

So, up to you....you may be going back to court about college anyway (depending on your state) so you have to weigh the options...

[OneMan]

Thank you.

[MixedBag]

I see by searching on your old posts -- your daughter is almost 13 now and the state is NY.

SO....I think I'd not rock the boat at this point and stick with  50/50 time and $'s.

And I think you're looking at college expenses afterwards too.  But maybe not since there was never an order.

[ocean]

Oh boy...NY. Child support until 21 and college "may" be included, up to past court orders and judge that day....

[OneMan]

An issue of custody may come up and with child's age (teen), they have a say, so either parent can persuade child into asking for more time at one parent and getting primary custody, then a more formal child support order. This is happen if your ex goes for custody through the courts and asks for change after you file the child support papers.

Unless your salary went DOWN, ex would say "he always paid the school with this salary and agreed to it by paying it the last xx years" so you need a reason why this year is any different than last year.

To me, acting this way would be a kind of extortion--keep paying x dollars or I will try to limit our child's time with dad by petitioning for a change in residential custody. I recall talking about this kind of behavior once and hearing back that No, money and time are two completely separate and distinct issues and must be handled separately. Otherwise you're talking about a kind of blackmail.

Is the accepted view now that courts are fine with ruling in favor of extortion? I'm confused.

I posted this because of changes in salary not of my making. Is Mixed bag saying that a change in salary not of your own making is "rocking the boat?" I haven't had to deal with these questions all that much, mainly because I've always brought more money to the table. I would obviously like that to continue.

Yes, I understand that parents can get dirty with each other. But what I'm getting from these replies is that you must accept that spouses WILL get dirty no matter what the circumstances, and you must accept that the courts WILL basically condone that kind of behavior (while speaking deeply into their robes about the best interest of the child). In other words, a kind of legalized extortion, legalized kidnapping. Obviously nobody is saying anything this extreme. But I'm certainly picking up a tone of threat. Or is that a total misreading.

[ocean]

50/50 in NY is not common at all and you do not have any court orders. If you only file child support, you will be sent to child support "judge" BUT if ex gets lawyer, they will tell her to file custody papers (if you don't) and will be heard together. It "should" go by past practice but a teen can give their say in court and say they want to be more with one parent, especially if you do not live in same school district. Family court- there are no rules, it is what your judge feels like on the day of the decision. It will take a few times in court as they try to make you work it out in hallway first, then a trial where your financial paperwork will be handed in and for the most part, judges go by the numbers.

So, custody may be on the table if you rock the boat. And if you can not prove a reduction in your salary recently it will be hard to prove why you need the change now (remember no court order so judge is starting from scratch). NY child support is 17% of your check plus percentage of  education/activities/daycare. What you did in the past will be up for consideration but will be thought as of gift as you were not obligated to pay (officially).

Only you know if this is worth it. Weigh the options on both sides, try to work it out with ex but if she feels you are going to do something, she may go and file the custody papers. For NY, you have a great parenting deal that you would not have if it went to trial. If you can sneak by and pay for the school for the next xx years, that part will be over... If ex thinks you filed, ex can "keep" child as you do not have court order and police do not enforce parenting court orders anyway. So, yes, it could get very very ugly. (especially if lawyers get involved).
Good luck!

[OneMan]

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Only you know if this is worth it. Weigh the options on both sides, try to work it out with ex but if she feels you are going to do something, she may go and file the custody papers. For NY, you have a great parenting deal that you would not have if it went to trial. If you can sneak by and pay for the school for the next xx years, that part will be over... If ex thinks you filed, ex can "keep" child as you do not have court order and police do not enforce parenting court orders anyway. So, yes, it could get very very ugly. (especially if lawyers get involved).
Good luck!

First of all, there is a custody agreement. Shared, with days clearly laid out, It has been the same since split. To me it is absolutely remarkable to think that I pay more than 35% of salary on my child's needs in education alone, yet the other party's change in custody request will seriously be entertained by a judge when the other party is paying 15%. And furthermore, that real, true monetary support in the past is considered a "gift" by the court and therefore invalidated as a monetary contribution when it actually went to pay for education and other needs and actually made a difference in the child's life and the other party actually chose not to make a gift of her own.  This, as I said earlier, it really is a form of legalized extortion.